Page 10 | 20 years together and doesn’t love me anymore.

Swils1009 · 2025-02-16T08:39:17+00:00

Hi, I’m currently on holiday with my boyfriend of 20 years. We have been together since I was 19 (and he was 20). Our first day here and the night has ended with him saying, ‘I have a lot of love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.’ He tells me that he is unhappy and has been for a while. Claims that he has been trying for a ‘long time’. This has come out of the blue for me. I am broken and unsure what to do. He’s all I’ve known for my adult life. We have talked and agreed to try to make it work, but I know that he doesn’t want to really. He just doesn’t like me being upset. I don’t really know why I’m writing this…just need someone to talk to I suppose...

Inthedeep · 29/03/2025 09:52

Very convient to decide its a mistake AFTER sleeping with her, a whole month after first kissing her. You’d think the month he had after the kiss would have made him realise it was a mistake, especially after the whole heart to heart you had. You are better off without him and you will flourish ❤️

Original poster

Swils1009 · 29/03/2025 10:02

Inthedeep · 29/03/2025 09:52

Very convient to decide its a mistake AFTER sleeping with her, a whole month after first kissing her. You’d think the month he had after the kiss would have made him realise it was a mistake, especially after the whole heart to heart you had. You are better off without him and you will flourish ❤️

He’d text her the day after coming home from holiday. So the heart - to - heart was yet more bullshit! I’ve seen every text

OP posts:

SirRaymondClench · 29/03/2025 10:16

Orangesinthebag · 28/03/2025 22:06

This is totally irrelevant.
The OP has discovered her ex partner is a cheating arsehole.

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Believe it or not I hadn't read OP's update at that point but thank you for the slap on the knuckles, Thread Police 🙄

Horses7 · 29/03/2025 10:23

Keep strong OP - you’re doing brilliantly 🩷

Inthedeep · 29/03/2025 10:40

Swils1009 · 29/03/2025 10:02

He’d text her the day after coming home from holiday. So the heart - to - heart was yet more bullshit! I’ve seen every text

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Stay strong, you sound like you’ve got this and will come out even stronger.

SCWS · 29/03/2025 10:46

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 08:49

Yes I am.
Theres plenty of women on here who say they aren’t in love with their partner but when a man is honest about his feelings everyone says there’s another women.

A milestone birthday often brings up true feelings and makes people re evaluate.

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Well men and women are different and the majority of the time, men leave for another woman and women leave because they’re unhappy. Sometimes men will leave just because they are unhappy but it’s very rare.

For some reason, a lot of men will just put up with being unhappy. Until someone else comes along that is.

SCWS · 29/03/2025 11:12

I’m so sorry to read your update OP.

Freeme31 · 29/03/2025 11:20

So sorry to read your update, stay strong you've got this girl, if your having a wobble come here & get your support were all rooting for you. Just remember he wasn’t sorry when he was texting, shagging her. Your so much better stay classy Go Girl

Orangesinthebag · 29/03/2025 12:20

SirRaymondClench · 29/03/2025 10:16

Believe it or not I hadn't read OP's update at that point but thank you for the slap on the knuckles, Thread Police 🙄

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Well perhaps you should have done before you jumped in to refute what other people were saying, including the OP herself!

IAmNotDarling · 29/03/2025 23:39

OP I’m sorry he did turn out to be a cheat.

Good advice from @ruddygreattiger You can do this.

I’d also add, make sure you tell people he lied and cheated. It will stop do gooders encouraging you to work on it etc..

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 30/03/2025 09:03

Being angry is easier than being devastated when it comes to kicking them out/up the arse. No, he doesn't NOW get to decide that he wants you really, he's shattered your trust in him TWICE.

Telling everyone how it ended is your best revenge. Cut him off dead, out of the house (or you move, and take the dog) and sever all lines of communication not necessary for any selling/practical arrangements. Let him really feel what he's done.

I am so sorry.

Orangesinthebag · 30/03/2025 09:54

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 30/03/2025 09:03

Being angry is easier than being devastated when it comes to kicking them out/up the arse. No, he doesn't NOW get to decide that he wants you really, he's shattered your trust in him TWICE.

Telling everyone how it ended is your best revenge. Cut him off dead, out of the house (or you move, and take the dog) and sever all lines of communication not necessary for any selling/practical arrangements. Let him really feel what he's done.

I am so sorry.

Definitely do this.
I didn't. I was sold a lie about the extent of my exH's infidelity, stayed with him so the kids' lives weren't wrecked.

Years later I discovered the truth about how it was way, way more than he had initially confessed to, ended the marriage then obvs but people incl the kids think we "just grew apart". I didn't dredge it all up at that point because it seemed inappropriate & bitter and it would have messed the kids up in their exam years more than us just separating did.

However, it still irritates me that he essentially got away with it and skipped off into the sunset looking like a good guy instead of a sneaky, selfish cheating twat.
And, yeah, deep down I am still bitter. I just have a good game face for everywhere - except MN!

So don't be me.

Original poster

Swils1009 · 01/04/2025 22:37

Just an update for those invested…hate it when a thread just stops. I am just about holding it together, going to work, getting through days! I’m flopping between furiously angry and upset.

He won’t leave the house - and I’m certainly not leaving! My family are hours away and his are around the corner! Just keeps crying and saying sorry / begging me to give it some time / give him another chance. If anything, it’s just pissing me off more.

Don’t know why I’m writing…need a vent

OP posts:

SunflowerTed · 01/04/2025 23:25

Get rid! You’ll never trust him again x

Freeme31 · 01/04/2025 23:45

Im sorry to hear this OP he has ruined everything for a meaningless shag but the grass was not greener. He wants you now he’s had had his fun & expects you to forgive and forget how disrespectful. He is able to lie to your face and WANT to have sex with someone & he sorry - sorry he got caught more like. He obviously has no respect you will never be able to trust him again. Dont waste any more time on this looser.

ZekeZeke · 02/04/2025 06:54

It’s easy for us to say walk away, but OP you will never ever trust him again if you get back together.
My sister did, she is a shell of herself.

StrawberryDream24 · 02/04/2025 07:20

I find the nuclear level.gas lighting and personal attack on you (calling you crazy, a psycho, paranoid etc. almost as bad as the cheating tbh).

He's not got much integrity, has he.

Now he's crying and won't give you any space...when he's the person who's betrayed you. And you're supposed to be the one crying.

"It's all about me" seems to be the theme song.

Cheaters tend have certain traits, like selfishness and lack of integrity, that don't make them good partners.

StrawberryDream24 · 02/04/2025 07:24

Also, sorry to say this, but I think if you were to accept this; he'd just do it again sooner of later.

He's not committed.
He's not loyal.
He's not got the necessary boundaries in place.

He's just not ready to jump ship for this one.

But that might be different with another one, some time in the future.

I could be wrong but it seems to me like your relationship has run its course for him.
But at this time, he's not ready to leave it definitively. And he still wants the option of it. Probably partly because it's both your default/familiar. He doesn't want to not have the default option. He doesn't want you doing the finishing.
As with the vast majority of cheaters; they want to do any finishing that's to be done, if and when it suits them. You don't get that right. (Another fundamental in the personality of a cheater; their partner never has equal rights to them).

Chersfrozenface · 02/04/2025 07:28

@Swils1009 if it were me, every time he started the crying and begging, I'd just tell him sharply to shut up.

cosmicbabe · 02/04/2025 07:38

I’ve just read your thread and thanks for updating it as it really does help to see. Especially for people potentially going through the same thing. You seem a really strong person with your head screwed on. You’ll be fine and come out the other side of this. What a wan*er he is x

SillySeal · 02/04/2025 08:47

Ahh OP that sounds difficult. Seems like his refusal to move is in the hope of wearing you down.

It is not up to us what you do but often once the trust is gone that's it. Would you really want to live constantly wondering what he's up to when he's not with you.

Have you got any support now?

Hdjdb42 · 02/04/2025 09:13

Swils1009 · 01/04/2025 22:37

Just an update for those invested…hate it when a thread just stops. I am just about holding it together, going to work, getting through days! I’m flopping between furiously angry and upset.

He won’t leave the house - and I’m certainly not leaving! My family are hours away and his are around the corner! Just keeps crying and saying sorry / begging me to give it some time / give him another chance. If anything, it’s just pissing me off more.

Don’t know why I’m writing…need a vent

You can never trust him again. My sister had numerous affairs, and her husband always took her back. She eventually left him for another man (then left him for someone else!) I don't really understand why he wasted 20 years, when she was blatantly looking for better. He was used as a stopping gap to help her feel comfortable. Don't let yourself be used, you deserve better than that.

BeckyBismuth · 02/04/2025 09:18

SCWS · 29/03/2025 10:46

Well men and women are different and the majority of the time, men leave for another woman and women leave because they’re unhappy. Sometimes men will leave just because they are unhappy but it’s very rare.

For some reason, a lot of men will just put up with being unhappy. Until someone else comes along that is.

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The mistake I made was not leaving because I was unhappy, but trying to find Prince Charming to help me get away. (I never found him). In the end, I told my H that I had had enough of the marriage and he packed his bags like he had a flight to catch. Yep, he had been shagging a teaching assistant. Good riddance.

VoodooQualities · 02/04/2025 18:34

StrawberryDream24 · 02/04/2025 07:20

I find the nuclear level.gas lighting and personal attack on you (calling you crazy, a psycho, paranoid etc. almost as bad as the cheating tbh).

He's not got much integrity, has he.

Now he's crying and won't give you any space...when he's the person who's betrayed you. And you're supposed to be the one crying.

"It's all about me" seems to be the theme song.

Cheaters tend have certain traits, like selfishness and lack of integrity, that don't make them good partners.

Oops double post for some reason

VoodooQualities · 02/04/2025 18:34

StrawberryDream24 · 02/04/2025 07:20

I find the nuclear level.gas lighting and personal attack on you (calling you crazy, a psycho, paranoid etc. almost as bad as the cheating tbh).

He's not got much integrity, has he.

Now he's crying and won't give you any space...when he's the person who's betrayed you. And you're supposed to be the one crying.

"It's all about me" seems to be the theme song.

Cheaters tend have certain traits, like selfishness and lack of integrity, that don't make them good partners.

Agree 100% with this post.

Now he needs to decamp to his family round the corner and let you grieve your relationship, what a bastard to refuse you that simple courtesy after what he's done.

My advice is not to dwell on your (perfectly justifiable) thoughts of revenge, and if you can, channel those feelings into getting on with your life as a newly independent (albeit a little battle-scarred) awesome woman. Best of luck!