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Original poster

20 years together and doesn’t love me anymore.

263 replies

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:39

Hi,
I’m currently on holiday with my boyfriend of 20 years. We have been together since I was 19 (and he was 20).

Our first day here and the night has ended with him saying, ‘I have a lot of love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.’ He tells me that he is unhappy and has been for a while. Claims that he has been trying for a ‘long time’.

This has come out of the blue for me. I am broken and unsure what to do. He’s all I’ve known for my adult life. We have talked and agreed to try to make it work, but I know that he doesn’t want to really. He just doesn’t like me being upset.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this…just need someone to talk to I suppose...

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:55

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:53

Everything was as it always has been. We are away for a belated birthday present and I thought we were both looking forward to it.

He’s been looking at houses for us to possibly move into as we wanted a bigger garden for the dog. I don’t know…

Show quote history

“The way it has always been”

Do you have a sex life you are both happy with?

user1471538283 · 16/02/2025 08:55

I'm better there's another woman as well.

But regardless I would tell him that's it. Sell the house, you keep the dog. Be as cold as you can.

He is not your friend and you are playing catch up with all of this.

PheasantPluckers · 16/02/2025 08:55

I agree it's not necessarily another woman. He's had a significant birthday, perhaps it's made him reassess his life.

I've certainly had times of ennui and feeling 'is this all there is?'.

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:57

Blue278 · 16/02/2025 08:51

OP I was the same when mine had his (probably third!) affair. Just couldn’t get my head around the ending of two decades of building a life together. I even went a bit surrendered wife and tried everything but he was too focused on the latest attraction.

It’s basic psychology though. People don’t appreciate what they have. Let him feel the consequences of rejecting your relationship. If he doesn’t want you then just withdraw and preserve your dignity and energy and time and emotional bandwidth and money for yourself.

I always hoped I’d be a head held high type of person, but I’m feeling so broken. I just want to understand.

OP posts:
Lorelaigilmore88 · 16/02/2025 08:57

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:47

And you are a woman?

Show quote history

Agree with this sadly. Men and women are different in this regard. Men rarely leave a stable relationship to be on their own. Hes met someone else or hes had his head turned and wants to explore the possibilities with someone else.
Its cowardly and pathetic to not tell the truth, but men never like to be the 'bad guy'.

Its all very raw right now and you are understandably devastated. You need to get away from him to think. Hes very cruel doing this while you are away

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:57

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:55

“The way it has always been”

Do you have a sex life you are both happy with?

Show quote history

I thought so.

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:59

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:55

Never. Although probably me not wanting to more than him if I’m honest.

Show quote history

Any reason why?

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:59

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:54

Op what makes you on think there is OW?

I can’t think of another reason, so presumed it was what it usually is when things break down.

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 09:00

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:59

I can’t think of another reason, so presumed it was what it usually is when things break down.

Show quote history

Odd that he chooses the first night of the holiday to tell you

you’re abroad? Sharing a room? How long is the holiday for?

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 09:00

IAmNotDarling · 16/02/2025 08:53

Sorry OP, he’s either having an affair or has had his head turned by someone he views as a better option.

Get him out of your life. I thought my ExH was depressed, but he was struggling with the fact he was fucking someone else and hadn’t had the guts to end it first.

Back your things and fly home. If you own a home together, get ready to buy him out or sell up. Cut all connections with him and his family, get counselling and shag some younger men before moving on with someone who wants you for you. Good luck.

I want to be that person who flies home and toughs it out, but I’m just not.

OP posts:
nc43214321 · 16/02/2025 09:00

I am another one that thinks there is another women, if he's so confident, ask him for his phone. How is his phone behaviour?

SuperTrooper14 · 16/02/2025 09:00

Is there a reason you haven’t had children?

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 09:02

PheasantPluckers · 16/02/2025 08:55

I agree it's not necessarily another woman. He's had a significant birthday, perhaps it's made him reassess his life.

I've certainly had times of ennui and feeling 'is this all there is?'.

This is what I’m mostly thinking. However I know that the usual is another woman…

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 09:02

Bloody hell I wouldn’t leave the holiday!

id ask him to get another room or go home

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 09:03

@RubyRedBow did you get back together with him?

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 09:06

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 09:00

Odd that he chooses the first night of the holiday to tell you

you’re abroad? Sharing a room? How long is the holiday for?

Show quote history

Yes abroad - his birthday gift from me ironically. He’d had a bit to drink, but was fine when we woke up earlier and saying the same thing. He’s cried and told me that I’ve done nothing wrong 🙄 but he just feels unhappy apparently.

Didn't marry as we always said we were content as we were?! Most people find it strange, but it was right for us. No children as we both said we didn’t really want them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 09:07

nc43214321 · 16/02/2025 09:00

I am another one that thinks there is another women, if he's so confident, ask him for his phone. How is his phone behaviour?

Not secretive at all with his phone. It’s on the side now and I know the passcode.

OP posts:
Chersfrozenface · 16/02/2025 09:08

I've known a couple of cases where the man wanted to leave without there being another woman. All couples who had got together late teens or very early twenties.

From what I could gather, the men got to their late thirties/early forties, started taking notice of what younger men at work or in their social life were doing and thought "Hang on, I didn't get any of that, I didn't get to sow my wild oats in my twenties".

Something like that might explain the "I haven't been happy for a while" line.

There may not be another woman at the moment. There may well be a desire to go and see what other women are out there (as well as other perceived opportunities).

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 09:09

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 09:06

Yes abroad - his birthday gift from me ironically. He’d had a bit to drink, but was fine when we woke up earlier and saying the same thing. He’s cried and told me that I’ve done nothing wrong 🙄 but he just feels unhappy apparently.

Didn't marry as we always said we were content as we were?! Most people find it strange, but it was right for us. No children as we both said we didn’t really want them.

Show quote history

He’s a drinker isn’t he?

researchers3 · 16/02/2025 09:11

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 08:46

I wouldn’t say he’s had his head turned, there’s not always another person involved. Feelings change.

I was with my partner from 16-28 and I didn’t love him anymore despite trying and trying. Nothing happened and nobody was involved.

I would say end it now because working on it won’t change anything especially if he’s been trying without you knowing.

Hard disagree. I'm guessing you're female?
It's very rare a man would leave if there wasn't someone else.

My lovely ex dh even swore on our children's lives there was noone else! There was.

Crazybaby123 · 16/02/2025 09:13

You have been together for so long and it sounds like you hav'nt really known a life without each other. Something weird happens when you are 40 where you realise you are more than half way through life and have to get a move on with the things you want to do. Maybe it is to do with this, that he has been wondering for a long time about what other possibilities are out there and finally got it together to do something about it now the big 40 has hit him in the face.

I don't think there is another woman, but the possibility of other women and a need to explore the world outside your relationship before he gets too old to enjoy it.

Weddingbells6 · 16/02/2025 09:13

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 09:00

I want to be that person who flies home and toughs it out, but I’m just not.

Show quote history

You can be OP. It’s not that hard, one step at a time, book the flight, pack your bags, go down to reception etc. it’s exceptionally cruel to have you trapped somewhere after saying that. You need to go home and get your affairs in order, you don’t want someone that’s not in love with you, not really. Doing this and giving him very little access to you saying ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore after what you said’ along with leaving will reclaim the dignity you feel you’ve lost.

Original poster
Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 09:13

No - not at all. We just went a bit daft as we were on holiday so had more than we both usually would. Up until we got back to the hotel, we’d been fine…I thought. Just spent the day walking around the city and bobbing into the bars.

OP posts:
nc43214321 · 16/02/2025 09:14

@Swils1009 I would check his phone then whilst he's not around. I know it's not a great thing to do 😬 but sounds like you feel something is off.

Moveoverdarlin · 16/02/2025 09:14

He’s turned 40, never married, no kids, been with the same person since he was 20. I can understand why he’s having a wobble. Genuinely sounds like there might not be someone else and I never say that.

Don’t paint him to be the bad guy, he’s just being honest. At this point, he hasn’t done anything wrong.