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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

20 years together and doesn’t love me anymore.

263 replies

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:39

Hi,
I’m currently on holiday with my boyfriend of 20 years. We have been together since I was 19 (and he was 20).

Our first day here and the night has ended with him saying, ‘I have a lot of love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.’ He tells me that he is unhappy and has been for a while. Claims that he has been trying for a ‘long time’.

This has come out of the blue for me. I am broken and unsure what to do. He’s all I’ve known for my adult life. We have talked and agreed to try to make it work, but I know that he doesn’t want to really. He just doesn’t like me being upset.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this…just need someone to talk to I suppose...

OP posts:
VeryDeepEverything · 16/02/2025 09:39

Sorry to hear you're going through this op.

First thing to do is make no drastic changes or decisions.

Mid life can throw up all kinds of things feelings about life slipping through your fingers.
People who have only had one adult relationship from a young age can find they've changed but the relationship hasn't, and/or that you wonder what else life has to offer which is often connected to that sense of your potential being more behind than in front.

Sometimes this will shake and break your relationship.
Sometimes the person works through it and finds the source of the issue was not the relationship, but they needed to acknowledge they were in a new life era which throws up questions about who you are and how you have/are spending your life, make some changes, inject some fresh thinking to break out of the ruts... and if the relationship can change and adapt then the person finds they don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water after all.

When you are sharing life with someone each others turmoils are shared turmoils, so you end up going through it all together. Even when your own internal emotional landscape is (was) calm and happy you have to face the challenge anyway.

You and he both need to recognise that his feelings could be about his relationship but could be about life in general.
It will hurt, and that's got to be faced because otherwise it will be swept under the carpet and choices will be made based on avoidance not working through it.

You also need to be wary that how you support him as he works through this isn't at too great a cost, so you don't sell yourself short when agreeing supportive actions.

So what you need to do is say...
"I hear you are fundamentally feeling unhappy, that hurts and was a shock.
I think this needs to be faced and taken seriously, but I also feel it is fair that you get help working out what is at the root of it so you don't sacrifice what we've built together until you are sure that's the right thing to do.
I want you to talk to friends/family/counsellor and really look into yourself too understand if this is a life thing or an us thing, or both.
While you do that we put a pause on any changes until you can honestly say you've done all you can to understand your own wishes for the future.
It is fair if you are going to drop this bombshell that you do this so at least, given I don't want this, if we go out separate ways I know it was the only way."

Your shock and distress is palpable and this is awful for you, but better you face this than you just allow fear of his inner feelings to create a situation where all is well on the surface but he's going through the motions.

Because that will mean you both drift into a situation (whatever that may be).

Grip the steering wheel of your life.
He finds guidance and clarity somehow, does the time self examining and then whatever the outcome is the right one.

Pinkissmart · 16/02/2025 09:39

OP, you say you don’t know what to do? This is what you do:

  1. Find a quiet spot away from him for the day so you can digest this. Bring a book, pen, notebook ( or however you like to make notes)

  2. He TOLD you he’s only staying because he doesn’t want you to be upset.

  3. Call or email three estate agents to book an appointment to get the ball rolling to sell your house if needed.

    3a) Make an appointment with a mortgage advisor at your bank

  4. One of you will have to move out in the meantime- any immediate thoughts on who that could be? If you have family close by who you could stay with, start getting your head around it

  5. Remember again that he told you he is only with you because he doesn’t want you to be upset.

  6. Focus on that a bit. He is no longer your friend, he’s not your person anymore. Don’t assume he’ll act in your best interests.

  7. Make a list of what would really be difficult to divide- ie any finances? Investments?

Elasticatedtrousers · 16/02/2025 09:40

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The timing is odd, it does sound a bit like his hand has been forced.

There was no reason to declare this on the first day of your birthday treat holiday.

Sorry, 'just felt he needed to say it' doesn't wash for me.

I know you are in pain but you will be ok, given time. Please don't beg and plead, either enjoy your break and leave him to it or fly home. You deserve better than this. What a creep to do this to you now on you birthday holiday grrrr!

Theeyeballsinthesky · 16/02/2025 09:41

Chersfrozenface · 16/02/2025 09:08

I've known a couple of cases where the man wanted to leave without there being another woman. All couples who had got together late teens or very early twenties.

From what I could gather, the men got to their late thirties/early forties, started taking notice of what younger men at work or in their social life were doing and thought "Hang on, I didn't get any of that, I didn't get to sow my wild oats in my twenties".

Something like that might explain the "I haven't been happy for a while" line.

There may not be another woman at the moment. There may well be a desire to go and see what other women are out there (as well as other perceived opportunities).

Yes me too. I wouldn’t automatically assume another woman either in this case

im sorry OP this is so hard but please don’t grovel or beg - you’ll hate yourself later & honestly it won’t work anyway xxx

when he wakes up, you need him to explain to him what he actually wants to happen as a result of lobbing that bombshell at you. He can’t just explode that and then think everything can carry on as normal

2anddone · 16/02/2025 09:41

My guess is he isn't having a sexual affair but an emotional one (which in my opinion is worse) he has now come away and realised how much he misses seeing her, whether at work or in free time and has been imagining how the day would be had she been there instead
I'm so sorry OP I would head out for a long walk before he even gets up and compose yourself. When you return either tell him to get a different room or to leave then you spend the rest of your break having a bit of self care and taking time to look after yourself Flowers

Nothitrockbottomyet · 16/02/2025 09:41

I agree that there is probably OW who he is missing because he is away on holiday with you and so can't see or contact easily atm. And having a bit more to drink than usual has brought on this confession that he wants to end your relationship because atm it's not you he wants to be with .

But. That's just my interpretation. As pp said its really neither here nor there whether there is someone else. You can't make someone love you.

I think getting the first available flight home and start dealing with the practicalities of separating your lives is the best thing to do.

Dror · 16/02/2025 09:47

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 09:00

Odd that he chooses the first night of the holiday to tell you

you’re abroad? Sharing a room? How long is the holiday for?

Why are you asking such a huge number of weird questions?

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 09:49

Dror · 16/02/2025 09:47

Why are you asking such a huge number of weird questions?

Because it seems him telling the op this as to be very ill thought out on his part

and fact that he and op drinking all day makes me think he got as pissed as fart and just said it in a drunken state

shiningstar2 · 16/02/2025 09:49

I'm so sorry op. It does sound like the script ...but it may not be. At this stage I wouldn't openly ask to see his phone. This would just make him more cautious and give him a chance to delete anything he doesn't want you to see. Wait until you can look on your own. When he's in the shower or sleeping. If there is anything there screen shot it so there can't be any argument about what you've seen. ,It could be that he's having some sort of midlife crisis and has possibly started an emotional affair or that he's just a bit down. Too soon to come to any conclusions. Have a quiet look at his phone and then start deciding what you think. No knee jerk reactions. No following advice to ltb until you know a lot more. Hope things go ok. 💐

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 09:50

And I reckon he then passed out before the op could probe!

BunnyLake · 16/02/2025 09:50

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 09:37

@BunnyLake how old was your son?

My son 20s, step son 30s. Neither left for another woman.

Hwi · 16/02/2025 09:53

There is OW, there is no OW - what difference does it make? He does not want the OP, does not appreciate her, RUN!!!!! Please ask him to leave - you paid for this holiday, it was your present to him and he ruined it, he ruined everything, People are making silly suggestions that YOU should fly back home. No, HE should fly back and leave you alone. Why should he continue to enjoy the holiday and you fly back? Ask him to leave and say that when you come back, you want him gone from the house. And then get angry. Keep saying to yourself - he thinks I am not good enough, on repeat - this will put you in the right frame of mind!

VeryDeepEverything · 16/02/2025 09:53

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 09:50

And I reckon he then passed out before the op could probe!

Whilst that's possible, it's not really based on anything op has said.
Op is hoping for guidance on how she responds rather than speculation on how pissed he was and whether that meant he timed the revelation badly and the conversation was shorter than it should have been.

3luckystars · 16/02/2025 09:56

Was everything genuinely hunky dory, no bother, you were both really happy for 20 years and this is a genuine bolt from the blue?

caringcarer · 16/02/2025 09:56

OP he told you last night after a few drinks but he's had these feelings for a while now. For you it's a huge shock. You need time away from him to process before making any decisions. I'd ask him to leave and you carry on alone on holiday. If you have a joint account take half of the contents out immediately and put into an account in your own name. Think about your house. Do you want to stay living there or not? If you do could you buy him out? If you don't can you sell it and get half the money to move on? Tell him you will be keeping the dog. Leave him no room for arguing about that. Once you've had time to think you'll probably decide you don't want to live with someone who doesn't love you. You may not believe it now but you can find a new partner and you will likely be happier in the future.

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 09:58

VeryDeepEverything · 16/02/2025 09:53

Whilst that's possible, it's not really based on anything op has said.
Op is hoping for guidance on how she responds rather than speculation on how pissed he was and whether that meant he timed the revelation badly and the conversation was shorter than it should have been.

drinking all day
lying beside her snoring
op didn’t get a chance to talk to him post revelation.

rugrets · 16/02/2025 09:59

I can't imagine being someone's "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" for 20 years. I think if he loved you he'd made you his wife long before now. Let him go you are worth more

3luckystars · 16/02/2025 09:59

I’m wondering if you just went along with whatever he wanted all the time and didn’t notice things.

Is it a genuine shock, or have you been drifting apart over the last while?

Fencehedge · 16/02/2025 10:01

His birthday gift from you?! Find your anger. Fucking wanker. Send him home whilst you stay. Why hasn't he offered to go home? What an absolute shit of a man to ruin your holiday like this.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/02/2025 10:01

I'm so sorry.
I think you'd be best packing your bag and flying home. You won't enjoy the holiday if you stay, you'd be better off at home where you can be practical, and where hopefully you have friends and family to support you. I also think you need to be away from him for a number of reasons:
So that you can cry privately and retain your dignity.
So that you can start thinking about how to separate
So that you can get real life support
So that he gets a chance to miss you ( if you're thinking of trying to continue the relationship)
So that you have the opportunity to dig a bit to find out what's going on
So that you have organised yourself by the time he shows up back at the house.
It's horrible this has happened, but time for big girl pants now. As another poster said, he's not your person anymore. Even if there is no one else, he isn't putting you first, and to tell you this on the first day of a holiday (that you have paid for ) is downright cruel. He could have said something when you were booking it, or a few weeks before so that you could have gone with someone else.
I'd leave now, and make sure he can't run up a bar bill on your account at the hotel .
Don't enter into long weepy discussions, just pack your stuff and go.

Mapleunicorn · 16/02/2025 10:01

Oh OP I feel for you. My Exh did the same. Together 20 years, met at 18. First day of holiday, he picked a fight with me over nothing and then announced he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. Looked me dead in the eye and swore on our DD’s life there was no one else. I believed him. Of course it was a lie.

We flew home early 2 days later. If you can afford it I would do the same. Get yourself home to your support network and a familiar place so you can think straight. Even if there isn’t an OW (and I’d be amazed if there isn’t) dealing with such a shock whilst away from home is hard.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 16/02/2025 10:01

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:51

I think so too, but he keeps saying it’s not that. I will ask again when he gets up.

The ‘I’ve been trying for a long time’ is getting me the most. As I was oblivious to it! I feel so stupid…but I feel so sick and sad right now that I can’t think straight. I’m also sooo embarrassed. I thought we were fine.

No children, just a dog that I will be keeping no matter what. Joint mortgage too.

No need to feel stupid as it likely isn't true. He will have found another woman and he is rewriting history. This is one of the most hurtful things they can do but it suits their purpose so they do it anyway.

Give it time and you will find he goes straight from you to her. They very rarely set up home on their own like women do.

User0103 · 16/02/2025 10:02

VeryDeepEverything · 16/02/2025 09:39

Sorry to hear you're going through this op.

First thing to do is make no drastic changes or decisions.

Mid life can throw up all kinds of things feelings about life slipping through your fingers.
People who have only had one adult relationship from a young age can find they've changed but the relationship hasn't, and/or that you wonder what else life has to offer which is often connected to that sense of your potential being more behind than in front.

Sometimes this will shake and break your relationship.
Sometimes the person works through it and finds the source of the issue was not the relationship, but they needed to acknowledge they were in a new life era which throws up questions about who you are and how you have/are spending your life, make some changes, inject some fresh thinking to break out of the ruts... and if the relationship can change and adapt then the person finds they don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water after all.

When you are sharing life with someone each others turmoils are shared turmoils, so you end up going through it all together. Even when your own internal emotional landscape is (was) calm and happy you have to face the challenge anyway.

You and he both need to recognise that his feelings could be about his relationship but could be about life in general.
It will hurt, and that's got to be faced because otherwise it will be swept under the carpet and choices will be made based on avoidance not working through it.

You also need to be wary that how you support him as he works through this isn't at too great a cost, so you don't sell yourself short when agreeing supportive actions.

So what you need to do is say...
"I hear you are fundamentally feeling unhappy, that hurts and was a shock.
I think this needs to be faced and taken seriously, but I also feel it is fair that you get help working out what is at the root of it so you don't sacrifice what we've built together until you are sure that's the right thing to do.
I want you to talk to friends/family/counsellor and really look into yourself too understand if this is a life thing or an us thing, or both.
While you do that we put a pause on any changes until you can honestly say you've done all you can to understand your own wishes for the future.
It is fair if you are going to drop this bombshell that you do this so at least, given I don't want this, if we go out separate ways I know it was the only way."

Your shock and distress is palpable and this is awful for you, but better you face this than you just allow fear of his inner feelings to create a situation where all is well on the surface but he's going through the motions.

Because that will mean you both drift into a situation (whatever that may be).

Grip the steering wheel of your life.
He finds guidance and clarity somehow, does the time self examining and then whatever the outcome is the right one.

Edited

This is what setting yourself alight to keep somebody else warm looks like.

He has utterly disrespected her and their relationship, and this level of accommodation is nuts. This isn’t being mature or philosophical- it’s just a different brand of Pick Me dancing.

Pippinsdiary · 16/02/2025 10:03

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:50

Because I honestly think think of a single man who has left a relationship without another woman involved

and if you’re honest… can you?

even If people comment and say they know men that left without another women, they get told they’re wrong and there has to be another women 🤷🏼‍♀️

researchers3 · 16/02/2025 10:05

Pippinsdiary · 16/02/2025 10:03

even If people comment and say they know men that left without another women, they get told they’re wrong and there has to be another women 🤷🏼‍♀️

Agree! My ex made a point of telling everyone there was no one else and how hard leaving me had been. People felt sorry for him!

All bullshit.