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Original poster

20 years together and doesn’t love me anymore.

263 replies

Swils1009 · 16/02/2025 08:39

Hi,
I’m currently on holiday with my boyfriend of 20 years. We have been together since I was 19 (and he was 20).

Our first day here and the night has ended with him saying, ‘I have a lot of love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.’ He tells me that he is unhappy and has been for a while. Claims that he has been trying for a ‘long time’.

This has come out of the blue for me. I am broken and unsure what to do. He’s all I’ve known for my adult life. We have talked and agreed to try to make it work, but I know that he doesn’t want to really. He just doesn’t like me being upset.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this…just need someone to talk to I suppose...

OP posts:
User0103 · 16/02/2025 10:06

Hwi · 16/02/2025 09:53

There is OW, there is no OW - what difference does it make? He does not want the OP, does not appreciate her, RUN!!!!! Please ask him to leave - you paid for this holiday, it was your present to him and he ruined it, he ruined everything, People are making silly suggestions that YOU should fly back home. No, HE should fly back and leave you alone. Why should he continue to enjoy the holiday and you fly back? Ask him to leave and say that when you come back, you want him gone from the house. And then get angry. Keep saying to yourself - he thinks I am not good enough, on repeat - this will put you in the right frame of mind!

Yes he should fly back - but OP can’t make him. So she has to focus on the things she can do, with or without his buy in. She shouldn’t be asking anything, she needs to be telling - but that limits her to the things she can do without his input.

3luckystars · 16/02/2025 10:07

researchers3 · 16/02/2025 10:05

Agree! My ex made a point of telling everyone there was no one else and how hard leaving me had been. People felt sorry for him!

All bullshit.

Show quote history

How long before it all came out? Was he definitely involved with her while you were still together?

what a clown

ForeverPombear · 16/02/2025 10:07

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:50

Because I honestly think think of a single man who has left a relationship without another woman involved

and if you’re honest… can you?

Show quote history

My ex didn't.

He ended it and 4 years later he's still single.

RentalWoesNotFun · 16/02/2025 10:08

VeryDeepEverything · 16/02/2025 09:39

Sorry to hear you're going through this op.

First thing to do is make no drastic changes or decisions.

Mid life can throw up all kinds of things feelings about life slipping through your fingers.
People who have only had one adult relationship from a young age can find they've changed but the relationship hasn't, and/or that you wonder what else life has to offer which is often connected to that sense of your potential being more behind than in front.

Sometimes this will shake and break your relationship.
Sometimes the person works through it and finds the source of the issue was not the relationship, but they needed to acknowledge they were in a new life era which throws up questions about who you are and how you have/are spending your life, make some changes, inject some fresh thinking to break out of the ruts... and if the relationship can change and adapt then the person finds they don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water after all.

When you are sharing life with someone each others turmoils are shared turmoils, so you end up going through it all together. Even when your own internal emotional landscape is (was) calm and happy you have to face the challenge anyway.

You and he both need to recognise that his feelings could be about his relationship but could be about life in general.
It will hurt, and that's got to be faced because otherwise it will be swept under the carpet and choices will be made based on avoidance not working through it.

You also need to be wary that how you support him as he works through this isn't at too great a cost, so you don't sell yourself short when agreeing supportive actions.

So what you need to do is say...
"I hear you are fundamentally feeling unhappy, that hurts and was a shock.
I think this needs to be faced and taken seriously, but I also feel it is fair that you get help working out what is at the root of it so you don't sacrifice what we've built together until you are sure that's the right thing to do.
I want you to talk to friends/family/counsellor and really look into yourself too understand if this is a life thing or an us thing, or both.
While you do that we put a pause on any changes until you can honestly say you've done all you can to understand your own wishes for the future.
It is fair if you are going to drop this bombshell that you do this so at least, given I don't want this, if we go out separate ways I know it was the only way."

Your shock and distress is palpable and this is awful for you, but better you face this than you just allow fear of his inner feelings to create a situation where all is well on the surface but he's going through the motions.

Because that will mean you both drift into a situation (whatever that may be).

Grip the steering wheel of your life.
He finds guidance and clarity somehow, does the time self examining and then whatever the outcome is the right one.

Edited

This OP.
Sorry you're going through this. What a waste of a perfectly good holiday.

3luckystars · 16/02/2025 10:09

No way would I want to be in a foreign country by myself after a relationship breaking up ! I’d be on my way to the airport now and have rifled through everything at home before he gets back.

i also might take his passport by accident

Blinky21 · 16/02/2025 10:10

It sounds like he is being honest with you and you should listen. Please don't force him.to stay with you, it's much better for you in the long run if you walk away, staying will erode your self esteem. I'm sorry

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 16/02/2025 10:12

Oh what a horrible thing to happen, and especially whilst you're away from home and your support network.

I appreciate you're in pain but you must put yourself first now. Decide if you want to go home early or stay there by yourself. He no longer exists to you. You are the most important person in your life now. Take one decision/step at a time.

JLou08 · 16/02/2025 10:13

I've been with my DH same amount of time and had periods where I didnt feel I was in love with him. There was no one else. We worked through it and got the spark back. There may be another woman as other posters suggest or he may genuinely want to make things work with you.

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 16/02/2025 10:13

ForeverPombear · 16/02/2025 10:07

My ex didn't.

He ended it and 4 years later he's still single.

Show quote history

I think this is how it appears in a lot of cases when in reality, they presented themselves to the OW as a free man and she turned him down.

There will be some men that do leave to be on their own but it is very rare.

HideousKinky · 16/02/2025 10:14

Is it possible he is revisiting the issue of having children in his mind and is now considering finding someone younger with whom to have them?

(Really sorry OP if that sounds stark & brutal)

Nothatgingerpirate · 16/02/2025 10:14

RubyRedBow · 16/02/2025 08:46

I wouldn’t say he’s had his head turned, there’s not always another person involved. Feelings change.

I was with my partner from 16-28 and I didn’t love him anymore despite trying and trying. Nothing happened and nobody was involved.

I would say end it now because working on it won’t change anything especially if he’s been trying without you knowing.

Yes, I get your point and I'm a woman.
However, in his case I'd say he's had his head turned, it's classic. Most men are really simple.
Most (not all) women probably would be very happy to be left the fuck alone after 20 years and live their own lives, if gotten the chance.

LushLemonTart · 16/02/2025 10:16

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'd definitely be fly home.

LlynTegid · 16/02/2025 10:17

You have decided to work through it. I think there is hope you could remain together, but if that turns out not to be the case, hope things turn out better for you.

ItGhoul · 16/02/2025 10:19

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 08:50

Because I honestly think think of a single man who has left a relationship without another woman involved

and if you’re honest… can you?

Show quote history

This is odd because I can think of loads, off the top of my head.

Hwi · 16/02/2025 10:19

User0103 · 16/02/2025 10:06

Yes he should fly back - but OP can’t make him. So she has to focus on the things she can do, with or without his buy in. She shouldn’t be asking anything, she needs to be telling - but that limits her to the things she can do without his input.

Show quote history

Unfortunately, you are right, I have not thought about that part.

Hollyhedge · 16/02/2025 10:20

Sorry to read this. What made him think first night of a holiday is the moment to announce this. How long until you get home and can lean on family and friends??

murraymcgill · 16/02/2025 10:21

@Swils1009 I was in the same position years ago but ut was me who didn't love him we had house dogs son wernt married I had to tell him I was starting to haye him and everything he done got on my nerves there wasn't anyone else either with me but maybe he's done u a favour sorry to to say all this as it's probably not what u want to hear

Hollyhedge · 16/02/2025 10:21

ItGhoul · 16/02/2025 10:19

This is odd because I can think of loads, off the top of my head.

Show quote history

Most men leave for someone else. Fact. Usually same for women

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 16/02/2025 10:23

He could have thought (misguidedly) that taking about this on neutral grounds would make it easier.

If you don’t think there is another woman then would be considered counselling - both joint and separately? 40s can very much be the drudge years and it is easy to blame that on the relationship (especially if comparing your inside to others outsides).Could he have changed his mind about kids? Again seeing other people’s families might make him want his own, especially if he feels his life lacks purpose.

Spend today apart and then plan to have a very honest and long conversation tomorrow.

Thighdentitycrisis · 16/02/2025 10:24

I agree, he should leave.
time away from home alone is always good for me to reflect, whereas at home I tend to fall back into familiar patterns.

It’s a horrible shock, but you should take him at his word now and assume the relationship is over. Sorry, it’s hard.

Nina1013 · 16/02/2025 10:24

I’m sorry, I don’t have anything to add other than this is going to be extremely hard emotionally for both of you, in a hotel room and where he can’t just walk away. Your comment where you said you’d both agreed to try - I really wanted to just add, I don’t think he’s got any intention of trying, I think he’s stupidly decided that on holiday was the right time to bring it up, but then the reality of being ‘stuck’ on holiday with someone begging and crying may well lead to him telling you he didn’t mean it or it will all be ok, but it’ll only be until you get home and he’s got an escape. If you believe this, you’re going to end up with a second round of shock and grieving.

If you can afford to, just fly home and face it, because this is just going to be torturous for you both otherwise.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 16/02/2025 10:24

I’d be inclined to throw the ball back at him. Wake him up, say you’ve thought about it, best if he moves out now. Of the hotel room so he can go home on the next flight and move his stuff out the house. You’ll sort the house out in your own time Don’t let him call the shots.

Orangesinthebag · 16/02/2025 10:25

Everyone will say it's another woman but it's probably a reaction to turning 40 and realising he has been with the same woman since he was 19/20.
So not another woman now but perhaps a desire to have the chance to be with someone else or a feeling he "missed out".

Instead of being a "bastard", it seems he is actually doing what MN always says people should do & rather than have an affair, he is telling you how he feels and expressing his unhappiness.

It's really tough and you must feel so upset but at least he has communicated with you.

Obviously you could ask if he will consider counselling but I am afraid the sad truth is if one part of a partnership feels it's over then it is.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean what you had wasn't special or real, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you either. Some relationships just have a shelf life & people grow apart.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can communicate with each other and if things do end, they end amicably.
The old adage about loving someone & letting them go serms to apply here. Xx

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/02/2025 10:26

Oh OP. FWIW my XH told me he didn't want to be with me when we were away on a fabulous and long planned weekend trip. He couldn't drive, so I had to drive us both back, six hours on a motorway with me crying quietly and him happily sitting planning his new life (there was a woman he had his eye on, nothing had happened and nothing DID happen (she didn't want anything to do with him) and he's still single).

You have to concentrate on YOU. If it is a mid life crisis in his case, then the very best thing you can do is show him what he's going to miss and get yourself out of there. Let him tootle about alone with nobody to say 'ooh, look at that!' to. It might give him the jolt he needs. If it is OW, then you won't gain anything by staying anyway.

Get home and make plans to split, sell the house etc. If he's having a wobble, then seeing you self-assured and prepared to live without him might kick him up the arse. If he's actually meaning what he says - then you're ahead of the game. Nothing to lose. Get home, get away from him.

Dontknowwhyidoit · 16/02/2025 10:27

You are in shock and when we are like this we shouldn't try to make any big decisions. If I was you, I would need to get away and be either on my own or with friends/family who could help me sooth myself and start to process my feelings. Once you have calmed down, I would be writing down any questions I needed answers for and then make decisions based on those answers. What ever his reason are, he has been a shit doing this now, while your on holiday.

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