Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

You don't often appreciate just how much your behaviour is driven by your hormones when you're younger. It's only, as a woman, when you hit menopause and the hormones start falling off a cliff that you realise just how much they impact you. Once the sex drive hormones fade, there is literally no desire there. The very act of sex seems faintly ridiculous even. I guess it's just one of the reasons why early 50s is often a time couples split up. I'm not sure what the answer is if your wife can't have hrt and isn't motivated to try and address the issue.

I'm in the same boat - menopausal and just about zero sex drive. My partner and I still have sexual relations as I know it's something he enjoys. I'm happy just to give pleasure to him, but it's also skin on skin contact and intimacy which is perfectly acceptable to me. But if anything were to happen to him, I would never enter into another relationship (unless it was a celibate one!).

I can 100% understand your wife's point of view, if there's no desire, there's no reason to engage in sex.

Do you share any intimacy, cuddles, holding each other in bed, massage? Is there much affection in your relationship?

I feel for you both because I am like your wife. Can’t have HRT with a strong family history of breast cancer combined with post-menopause and the new addition of lichens sclerosis Id rather read a book or clean the house than have sex. I do my best to engage with it though because my husband deserves to have a sexual life but it’s hard. I would love to feel like I used to but I don’t and I can’t and nothing will change that.

I was like your wife and remember having exactly the same conversation with my DH. It's the weirdest feeling. You want to do something because you know it will give another person pleasure, it's important, it's about intimacy and - above all - you used to really, really like it, but you just can't conceive of ever doing it. It's like someone putting a gun to your head and saying 'you can live if you start talking in Norwegian' - you really want to live, but you have no fucking idea what Norwegian sounds like.

HRT sorted me out but I really don't know how you start resolving this without HRT. You both have my sympathies - she's not happy either OP.

Any affection is usually one way i.e. I cuddle into her. She occasionally slips her hand into mine but that’s about it. Without intimacy, there’ll be very little else (she wouldn’t dream of spontaneously giving me a proper kiss). We did have sex a few times backend of last year, which I know she did for me, but very quickly she made it clear that she didn’t reallly want to every time I asked. Who wants to have sex with someone who clearly doesn’t want to? She says she was making the effort, but if someone makes it clear they don’t want to, I don’t see that as making an effort! It just became a constant source of conflict.

I think if my partner decided he was done with sex and I still wanted to stay in a relationship for emotional connection, companionship and partnership - I’d get a FWB.
I have a sex drive. If he didn’t - well I wouldn’t force him to ‘service’ me.

In some parallel universe where people are rational - I’d be able to talk to him about it and he’ll agree as this is the only solution. And because sex doesn’t have to mean an emotional connection to me.
But in our reality - I’d do it discretely because he’ll feel hurt.

But this’d be the only solution - bar becoming a nun, that I am not ready and diidm’t chose.

As sex is important to me - I understand that if I went off it - my partner still needs it. So - i’d either try to continue having it with him FOR him, bc I love him. Or if it were not physically possible - I’d tell him to outsource…

But I realise - I am not very traditional…

Thanks for providing your perspective. Do you just sort of get on with it (I know it sounds terrible) because you know it’s important to your husband? Or is it a case that he’s got to try really hard to get you in the mood?

My wife wouldn’t accept that and I honestly don’t think I could do it (I haven’t so much as looked at someone else in the 18 years we’ve been together). The frustrating thing is that I only want her, but if someone doesn’t want you physically, what do you do?!

In that case - you become celibate. 🤷🏻‍♀️

There is no solution. If she doesn’t want to have sex and doesn’t care that you need it - that is it.

People are different in how they see sex. If you only want it with her, then you need to accept the status quo.
No amount of complaining and ‘talking to her’ would do anything.

Personally - I’d be really frustrated and consider my partner to be self centred and not considering my needs.
So - before resentment sets in - I’d find a solution that works for me, while doesn't increase conflict….

Long time ago when I was married to exH - and had been drained by the kids; and our relationship was in a bad place - i also went off sex with then-H. He nagged me about it - and all i could think was - i wish he found someone else and stopped bugging me. I didn’t say it then - was young and not felt confident in myself. But this is how I felt…

You’re right about the talking… we’ve talked endlessly about it and it always ends up with us both being upset and her saying it’s not her fault the way she is and I should just accept that it may only happen now and then (she cites other couples as being happy with a sexless relationship). She backed me into a corner tonight and I admitted that I don’t know how ill feel in 12 months time and whether I could do the whole plutonic relationship thing indefinitely.

I think it’s ok for you have said it’s not ok, and you don’t know if this is something you can live with. Give her time to process what you said. Don’t bring up the topic again, let her decide what she wants to do. If you can’t live with it then you have the choice to leave or discuss potentially finding it elsewhere. She can say she doesn’t want to, but you don’t have to stay.

I do just get on with it. It can be painful so that can mean it’s not really fun for anyone but sometimes after a few drinks I’m obviously more relaxed and I will be able to participate in a way that means it’s been nice and he feels like he’s loved and wanted. I am very keen to stay married because he’s an incredible person in every way so we’ll middle through I guess as long as he is willing to have this less than wild sex life. Having said that at 40 it wasn’t the same as at 30 and same for 30 v 20s. He’s getting older too and has instances of ED etc. I am trying other options to help because I’d love to stay married and I hate feeling so insecure at my age it’s heartbreaking and causes me massive stress and worry.

So - here are your choices:—
…. continue as is hoping she changes her mind. Keep talking and trying to re-ignite her drive — outcome: you both will get increasingly frustrated
…. accept situation as is, stop trying to get her to understand - outcome: she’ll be ok. You - frustrated for a while… then either losing libido or leaving. W will be surprised as from her POV - things were fine
— accept you cant change her and your relationship is based on something else. Find someone in similar situation and share physical intimacy - outcome: your marriage goes on, and eventually you too will slow down with sex and it won’t be an issue anymore
…. leave now

Do you think I have missed something?

In the ideal world - she regains libido. But i’d not count on it

Not much help, but just to point out that not all post-menopausal women lose their sex drive.

All I see in these messages from you lovely ladies is that you’re all making the effort because you love your partners. I really don’t know if I’m just overthinking some of this or what, but when we have done it she makes me feel like she really didn’t want to, hence it becomes a source of conflict and I feel terrible. I don’t want her to do something she really doesn’t want to do. But at the same time I want her to want to at least for me, but I’m made to feel selfish and like I’m pestering her!

You have to tell her op. You don’t want to live like this it’s a marriage you’re not flatmates. Ask if she is willing to try or if the tap has been turned off forever and then it’s your turn to tell her you’re either going to accept the status quo or you’d prefer to amicably separate and find someone else so you can have a sex life again.

Amazes me that posters give thoughtful sensible replies to these ploppers, why bother? He's only interested in rhe magic words he imagines will make his poor wife comply.

I’m responding for other women because I know I read the replies for myself too. Does that make sense?

I might get torn apart for this but I think your wife is being quite selfish to be honest.

after having our second child, between looking after a new born, negotiating with a toddler, and breastfeeding 1648362 times a day my libido was in the toilet. Sex was the absolute last thing on my mind. But I done it, once a week, and I put on a show so my husband felt like I actually wanted to do it. He never pressured me and never made me feel like I had to, he’s an amazing husband and I know he would have accepted it if I said I didn’t want to. But I also know he has needs and if I wanted my marriage to work long term which I do more than anything then sex had to be a part of it. And even though I didn’t want to do it, I wanted to want to do it so I just felt like well I’ll fake it until I make it. Honestly half an hour once a week wasn’t the end of the whole for a happy marriage.

2 years later I’m starting to enjoy it again and getting my mojo back. I appreciate this might be more difficult for your wife given her health issues but to unilaterally decide your marriage is now sexless and you just have to accept that is quite selfish.

Life's too short and we'll all soon be dead for millions of years. You can divorce and remain friends while still seeking fulfillment.

No way would I stay with someone who makes me feel like a nuisance.

When you discuss the relationship, what does she say she feels about you, other than the sex? Does she say she is still in love with you? Still passionately committed to you above all others, etc?

I will first explain first - I am a menopausal woman who has been lucky enough (so far) to retain her libido, perhaps with the aid of HRT, so I can't fully empathise with how your wife feels (tho I have previously suffered low libido when on hormonal contraception, so do have some insights maybe).

But for me, libido is only one element of that passionate attraction to my partner. To just give two examples from today: my man has recently grown his hair long which I really like and when he came out of the petrol station today I didn't recognise him for a moment, thought who is that gorgeous bloke? And then I wanted to tell him about that when he got in the car. Because I love him and know he can be insecure about his looks and thought he should know how beautiful I still find him, even in our late 40s....Then later, we were cuddling in bed and I was thinking how nice it was to have his strong arms around me (sorry for sounding like a bad romance novel) even tho I have a cold currently and no interest in actual shagging, Tonight, as I do often, I definitely initiated and enjoyed lying naked together for the physical pleasure and emotional closeness (though not for sex itself).

NONE of this is connected to libido/sex. So these feelings of love, wanting him to feel special, finding him beautiful etc, they would still remain if my libido were gone, I believe. And consequently I believe some level of sexual intimacy would still be possible and desirable for me, even if my actual literal sex drive was totally gone......I might focus more on his pleasure than mine, for example. And more on things like massage/sensual touching with some sexual release at the end...... Just speculating. But I think there are ways to go about it that can make it a pleasant experience for both partners even if one of them doesn't feel much like having actual sex....... OF COURSE I only mean if both are fully on board and agreed to try - I hope that goes without saying......

IF your wife still feels that she loves you and wants you to feel special and loved, then I think there is hope and maybe you can work on it together.If, however, as it sounds from your later messages (about her never initiating cuddles etc) she more sees you as a friend/housemate now, then I think it is possible you may need to look to leave.

It's possible that all the arguments have been making her feel more entrenched in her no sex position. It's difficult, because my immediate response is that you shouldn't be trying to argue her into sex she doesn't want...... But equally she shouldn't expect you to live a sexless life you didn't sign up for ....

What I would absolutely urge you NOT to do, is show her this thread and say, look, other women make the effort even though they don't feel like it. Everyone is different, and you can't persuade her to love you/want you by telling her what other women do.

In the end her feelings for you are what they are, and you sadly won't be able to argue her out of them. If she doesn't love you any more - or not as a husband/partner/lover anyway - then I think you may have to get your head around moving on.

I think you have three options here : accept a sexless marriage and stay married without sex forever, stay married but seek sex somewhere else, divorce and find someone completely new.
I also think your wife is being incredibly selfish (sorry!).

The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again.

The main legacy for you. She doesn't find it that important.

JFC, read your words again. Your wife has been through hell, lives with ongoing risks, and "the main legacy" is the effect on your sex life.

See a couples sex therapist to work out how you move forward

There are many ways that your wife could make you feel sexually fulfilled (if PIV is painful for her - and if it is painful she can get help) but she doesn't want to make you happy sexually

I think she is wrong and a therapist will help you both work through it and decide how you both find happiness

If your wife continues to take the no sex, no touching, no closeness stance, you'll probably have to leave or get sex elsewhere

I'm sorry for everything your wife has been through and my answer has any intention of trivialising anything at all your wife has gone through.
We are in our 50s and my hormones have gone DH husband always accusing me of being snappy etc.
If he is ill he doesn't want sex. If I then get the same illness a day or so behind him and don't feel well enough for it when he is ready again he gets grumpy.
Sex with somebody his age isn't the best more like a 3 minute fizzle with a bit of mess at the end a night of itching.
Maybe if there was a bit more fire too it it would be worth having. Cos I find it a massive turn off when the man apologises for it been over too quick totally puts you off bothering. Then the whining starts.

I think there's a book by Davina McCall and someone else which is supposed to be insightful for partners of menopausal women.