Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

I gather from your posts that you're also lacking non-sexual intimacy. Perhaps you would feel more wanted if your wife kissed you and cuddled you, and told you how much she loves and appreciates you and wants you in her life, and finds you objectively attractive.

But you need to make her feel safe to do that. You've been putting sexual pressure on her a long time and she's had sex she really didn't want with you: this is the straightest of straight pathways to a really entrenched and visceral aversion to sex - AND anything like kissing that could lead to (more) sexual pressure.

I suggest telling her that you accept that she doesn't want sex and that you're working on accepting that too, but that you do need hugs and kisses and cuddles and being told how much she loves you. And that you won't make a move on her when she does kiss/hug you, and that if she thinks you are you will accept that and back off.

I had to tell my H a few times not to grab my behind during hugs initially, and he completely backed off and left his hands chastely on my waist. That made me feel safe to show him how much I loved and appreciated him.

I think that men in particular have been raised to link sex with love, so they feel unloved and undesirable when their partner doesn't want sex. But in your wife's case, it isn't personal - she's not not wanting sex because she doesn't love you, she doesn't want it because the hormones that engender sexual desire aren't there.

You should give her the space and safety to show her love in non-sexual ways.

Funnily enough, I would reckon it was, for a man.
But I might be misinformed, who knows (and who cares).

I feel exactly the same. You think it’s a fundamental part of who you are, not just driven by hormones. But it really is all hormones. You can’t understand this until it happens

I get really annoyed at men using the old trope line of "I want sex because it makes me feel connected and have intimacy" as that makes me feel about as connected as a sex doll would.

I feel intimate and connected to my husband, and he me because we love each other for more than just the ability to have sex.

If he ever suggested he didn't feel connected to me, because he can no longer put his dick in me, our marriage would be over. Because I know if my husband got ED and could never have sex again, I would still love him, feel intimate and as connected to him as the day we married.

Exactly.

You can't love her that much if you're chewing her ear off constantly about your needs.

She's been through hell. She doesn't want to have sex. She shouldn't have to grin and bear it like some of the women on this thread.

You sound incredibly entitled. You have no right to sex. Either accept what your wife has told you - repeatedly - and stop pressuring her or leave.

I'm a woman and I want sex to feel loved and connected. It doesn't mean that's the only way too achieve it. Of course there are other forms of connection and intimacy but knowing my partner desires and wants me is crucial to me (with exception of short term issues or illness etc).
Now you can get mad at people for thinking they way they think and feeling the way they feel but that's your problem.

Really?
That's what you get out this?
This bloke wants his wife ffs- not any random hole. He obviously loves and wants her and feels massively rejected. I can totally see his point.
I can see hers though too. But it seems like she doesn't want to, isnt prepared to and expects him to accept that.
That's not really fair is it?

I'm in the same situation but opposite genders. The only thing that makes my husband interested sexually in me is if he catches me checking another bloke out

This is the perfect answer. Spot on.

In that case, why bother replying to women asking about their partner’s lack of sex drive?

Oh, I know; it’s because the poster is a man.

Stop being exclusive. This site is for everyone.

Me too post menopause zero interest. You can get testosterone at a menopause clinic which is supposed to reverse this.
I preferred just to end my marriage.
But I guess testosterone might be worth a try.

My husband can lack interest too unfortunately. It’s great when he’s interested but it can be incredibly frustrating when he isn’t.

Where you are going wrong is asking her every two weeks!

One of the advantages of sex therapy is that (from what I have understood) the first thing the therapist often does is ban the couple from having sex. The pressure needs to stop.

Tell her that you will not ask her for sex for the next two years, as a minimum. Say that you would like discuss the situation again around early 2027, or perhaps later.
Agree that in the meantime, you would like cuddles and hand holding, but you will not touch her sexually (basically not on the boobs, stomach, thighs or backside, let alone anything more intimate).
Then you have to be absolutely true to your word, so if you don't think you have the self control, don't try this plan, just divorce now.

As @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta says, it took her five years of absolutely no pressure to start to feel even a tiny flicker of interest.

But beware, it may be that in two years, or five years, she still has no interest, so don't count on it.

I went right off sex after menopause, we were like rabbits previously so it was very difficult for both of us but in different ways.
We talked at length and both decided morning sex might be better rather than night when tired. I've always had toys so decided to buy a muti speed wand and some Sylk lube fantastic stuff, feels so natural and mich better than KY imo . Both work a treat, some foreplay, I'm back to being multi orgasmic, short time of penetration for choice and it's fantastic. Twice a week now but we are close as we ever were.
May be suggest a wand to play with OP,there are plenty to choose from on line and they don't have to be obvious like a penis shape [not my thing]. Mine is like a massage wand, black and gold, looks really stylish.
Hope you and your wife can resolve this, life is too short to be celibate if you don't want to be.

Can I ask you if you are on HRT?

Don't ask for sex for two years?? What planet are you on Euc ? I think many relationsships would have collasped by then unless it's something you both agree on. Unrealistic otherwise and it would be natural for one person to call time on the relationship. I think it would be too easy to slip into best mates mode rather than lovers if too much waitting in the respect of years passed.

Bibi, of course, I ended hrt about three years ago and being celibate was always going to be difficult so tried various toys but the wand I ended up buying cracked the case as it is variable speeds and I orgasm easily before piv.

That is why I said the alternative is divorce now.

Yes, and this is true too for other hormones, such as thyroid hormone. You don't realize how much they dictate your mood and desires until they're gone or they're perturbed in some way. In his late 40s, my poor H had a stage 2 thyroid cancer and had to have his whole thyroid removed and then undergo 6 weeks of no replacement therapy before he was treated with radioactive iodine. He's an energetic enthusiastic man, full of beans and humor, and at the end of the 6 weeks he was bloated, had a moon face, and could only sit dully on the sofa. It was like he didn't exist. It took a few months for him to recover his essence after he was started on levothyrox. It was quite sobering and scary to watch.

But even then I didn't really understand the power of hormones until perimenopause - and then HRT. I went from feeling like a chunky fatigued old crone whose every joint hurt to feeling functional and even powerful again.

The PPs here who say that OP's wife is selfish for not forcing herself to have sex should realize that they too are vulnerable to hormone loss that will fundamentally change them. Sympathy and acceptance are in order, not hectoring and screaming selfishly about their "needs".

OP is a decent guy and I hope he will be able to find a solution that he can comfortably live with.

Because she doesn't want to have sex - so he either accepts no more sex ever again (not saying he should do that, I don't think I could!), or leaves, or they agree to him having sex outside the marriage.

He can't have what he wants - which is his wife wanting sex.

I’m the same, no libido at all. Luckily DH has ED and antidepressants, so it’s not an issue here.

I think some of the replies on this thread are shocking. Nobody should be having sex if they don't feel like it. It's basically consenting to rape. I decided to stay single at the end of my last relationship and one of the reasons, in fact probably the main reason, is that I didn't want to feel obliged to have sex. It's a horrible situation to be in. OP you're going to read about the women who 'endure' sex for the sake of their husbands and interpret that as your wife doesn't love you. That's not true. She just doesn't have any sexual desire and in fact without HRT possibly even has some degree of vaginal atrophy which can cause uncomfortable symptoms and lead to UTIs. You're being incredibly selfish. Your poor wife has had breast cancer, is having to endure menopause without HRT and all you can think about is your own libido. Either accept that you are not to have sex with your wife or leave. They are the only options. Your wife deserves autonomy over her own body.

'Quite frankly if I’d survived cancer, had to have an early menopause, went through a horrible black menopause time, and then had to deal with a man baby complaining and arguing with me because I’m not in the right place to put out, I’d be glad if he left.'

Honestly. If someone gets to their 50s and hasn't had a run in with cancer they're very lucky. However it is no excuse to physically reject a partner for evermore.

All this talk about libido, you don't need to walk around in a constant state of arousal to want to be intimate with your supposed loved one but we all know the more you do have sex the more you actually want it. It is a good cycle to get into. All that blood flow to the vagina is good for keeping atrophy at bay!

I think a lots of women just cba and think their dp will put up with it. Until an enthusiastic third party comes on the scene and suddenly they can't understand what went wrong. We see it daily on these boards.

Relationships consist of many things and it isn't being a grubby perv to want and expect a sexual relationship to be part of it.

You may, either individually or jointly, wish to explore some form of relationship counselling. You obviously aren't the only couple this has happened to, so it must exist. If you could both get to a better level of understanding each other's perspective, that may help your marriage survive in the long term.

Obviously no one should feel obliged for have sex. I have no words for your rape comments that it just absolutely inappropriate.

In a loving relationship we share lots of things, fanmly friends, happy times. A physically relationship is a healthy part of it! To have such a warped view of it is sad to read.

We should all know what we enjoy, ensure we get it and be proactive in our sexuality. All this 'feeling obliged' stuff is depressing to read.

Cancer, peri, menopause whatever. We should all invest in our relationships and make them as rewarding as possible, not reject our partners.That includes men with ED. Get some viagra!