Page 14 | Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

LoyalSwan · 2025-02-13T23:51:03+00:00

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

Seeline · 18/02/2025 09:04

@Janiie can I ask how old you are?

Patterncarmen · 18/02/2025 09:16

OP, I’m nearly 58, DH is 61. My husband and I have not had sex for the past year. After a very difficult menopause (hot flushes, severe muscular and joint aches and pains, mood swings, dry crawly skin, anxiety, poor sleep) my desire disappeared. It is just gone. I have vaginal atrophy and dryness which pessaries only alleviate a bit. PIV Sex is thus very painful, and when we tried it, I ended up bleeding, stinging, and pain, and then an UTI on top of it and a course of antibiotics. I only had a UTI twice before in my life. My DH felt really badly about it, and we didn’t do it again. After 4-5 years in menopause hell, I finally came out the other side and feel pretty normal and so much better, and I wasn’t fancying any more pain/discomfort. To be fair, I have taken care of birth control stuff my entire life, and just not having to worry about my reproductive status, hormonal fluxes and my sexual desirability has been a blessed relief.

That said, my husband and I still hug a lot, cuddle, and kiss, and tell each other we love one another all the time. We do nice things for each other and enjoy each other’s company. We both keep fit, at a proper weight, and exercise together, and take turns cooking healthy food.

I asked my DH if he wanted to leave, or have someone on the side with my blessing. He said no way. He said he misses PIV sex, sure, but he also said…we had a very good run you know, and it is OK, and then he said he loved me and was really glad I was feeling physically so much better. That’s when I knew I had a treasure of a husband. I love him more than ever because he values me, as me, as a human being, not just for sex.

At some level, OP, you have to weigh whether being with your wife without sex is worth it to you, you have someone on the side (which you don’t want to do) or you leave and find someone else. Stop bothering your wife about it and make a decision. I’ll offer there are many other ways to show love, and being pressured for sex does not encourage loving feelings.

Crikeyalmighty · 18/02/2025 09:26

@Patterncarmen that's exactly my situation too -

Velvian · 18/02/2025 10:53

Janiie · 18/02/2025 08:48

It's nothing to do with who still wants sex, it is recognising thet there are many parts to a relationship and physical intimacy is one of them. You can't just opt out and expect your dp to say ok fine. Well you can and many people on here sadly have done but it's does damage relationships. They need effort from both parties.

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Your partner doesn't get a say in it. It is a choice to accept it, leave the relationship, or discuss opening the relationship.

Janiie · 18/02/2025 11:59

Seeline · 18/02/2025 09:04

@Janiie can I ask how old you are?

Old enough to sadly have had plenty of experience of cancer, peri and all of life's challenges.
Life is too short imo. Relationships may need working at yes but are very rewarding when both parties nurture and invest in said relationship.

Macaroni46 · 18/02/2025 13:39

Patterncarmen · 18/02/2025 09:16

OP, I’m nearly 58, DH is 61. My husband and I have not had sex for the past year. After a very difficult menopause (hot flushes, severe muscular and joint aches and pains, mood swings, dry crawly skin, anxiety, poor sleep) my desire disappeared. It is just gone. I have vaginal atrophy and dryness which pessaries only alleviate a bit. PIV Sex is thus very painful, and when we tried it, I ended up bleeding, stinging, and pain, and then an UTI on top of it and a course of antibiotics. I only had a UTI twice before in my life. My DH felt really badly about it, and we didn’t do it again. After 4-5 years in menopause hell, I finally came out the other side and feel pretty normal and so much better, and I wasn’t fancying any more pain/discomfort. To be fair, I have taken care of birth control stuff my entire life, and just not having to worry about my reproductive status, hormonal fluxes and my sexual desirability has been a blessed relief.

That said, my husband and I still hug a lot, cuddle, and kiss, and tell each other we love one another all the time. We do nice things for each other and enjoy each other’s company. We both keep fit, at a proper weight, and exercise together, and take turns cooking healthy food.

I asked my DH if he wanted to leave, or have someone on the side with my blessing. He said no way. He said he misses PIV sex, sure, but he also said…we had a very good run you know, and it is OK, and then he said he loved me and was really glad I was feeling physically so much better. That’s when I knew I had a treasure of a husband. I love him more than ever because he values me, as me, as a human being, not just for sex.

At some level, OP, you have to weigh whether being with your wife without sex is worth it to you, you have someone on the side (which you don’t want to do) or you leave and find someone else. Stop bothering your wife about it and make a decision. I’ll offer there are many other ways to show love, and being pressured for sex does not encourage loving feelings.

I think the difference between you and the OP's wife is that you acknowledged how your DH might feel about no more sex, you are affectionate towards him and you offered him the option of sex outside of the marriage. In the OP's case it seems that she's decided that sex isn't happening anymore, end of, no discussion or recognition of where that leaves the OP.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 18/02/2025 14:06

I’m not going to comment on the question you asked about sex, but I am going to tell you something…I had breast cancer a few years ago and I went through a year and a week of incredibly brutal, traumatic treatment. I am ‘recovered’ in the sense that I am cancer free now. But my god…I don’t think I’ll ever recover mentally. Unless you’ve been through it you have NO IDEA of the impact it has on you. People think because your treatment was successful, that you’re all fine and back to normal! Well, that doesn’t happen I’m afraid, and if your wife is anything like me she’s probably living with a daily terror that the cancer will come back, and most other issues take a back seat, because you simply can’t function like you used to. I know it doesn’t help you and your relationship issues at all, but I have to say, I’m absolutely sick and tired of everyone thinking I’m over it and completely as I used to be, because nobody has a clue…and I’m afraid to say that person has gone forever. I wonder if your wife feels the same.

JenniferBooth · 18/02/2025 14:26

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 18/02/2025 14:06

I’m not going to comment on the question you asked about sex, but I am going to tell you something…I had breast cancer a few years ago and I went through a year and a week of incredibly brutal, traumatic treatment. I am ‘recovered’ in the sense that I am cancer free now. But my god…I don’t think I’ll ever recover mentally. Unless you’ve been through it you have NO IDEA of the impact it has on you. People think because your treatment was successful, that you’re all fine and back to normal! Well, that doesn’t happen I’m afraid, and if your wife is anything like me she’s probably living with a daily terror that the cancer will come back, and most other issues take a back seat, because you simply can’t function like you used to. I know it doesn’t help you and your relationship issues at all, but I have to say, I’m absolutely sick and tired of everyone thinking I’m over it and completely as I used to be, because nobody has a clue…and I’m afraid to say that person has gone forever. I wonder if your wife feels the same.

Glad you are better now. Employers also need to realise that it can affect an employee in this way and offer more support
Ive heard of people being "managed out" for having cancer.

Janiie · 18/02/2025 14:27

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 18/02/2025 14:06

I’m not going to comment on the question you asked about sex, but I am going to tell you something…I had breast cancer a few years ago and I went through a year and a week of incredibly brutal, traumatic treatment. I am ‘recovered’ in the sense that I am cancer free now. But my god…I don’t think I’ll ever recover mentally. Unless you’ve been through it you have NO IDEA of the impact it has on you. People think because your treatment was successful, that you’re all fine and back to normal! Well, that doesn’t happen I’m afraid, and if your wife is anything like me she’s probably living with a daily terror that the cancer will come back, and most other issues take a back seat, because you simply can’t function like you used to. I know it doesn’t help you and your relationship issues at all, but I have to say, I’m absolutely sick and tired of everyone thinking I’m over it and completely as I used to be, because nobody has a clue…and I’m afraid to say that person has gone forever. I wonder if your wife feels the same.

Have you had counselling? Your feelings are valid and of course absolutely normal after cancer treatment. The old you has gone but there is life to live and a new you. I'm not being patronising, I've been there and as I say anger and fear for reoccurrence are normal but you have to try and embrace life. Make the most of everything and enjoy relationships.

Patterncarmen · 18/02/2025 14:53

Macaroni46 · 18/02/2025 13:39

I think the difference between you and the OP's wife is that you acknowledged how your DH might feel about no more sex, you are affectionate towards him and you offered him the option of sex outside of the marriage. In the OP's case it seems that she's decided that sex isn't happening anymore, end of, no discussion or recognition of where that leaves the OP.

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Sure, but I can kind of see why the OP’s wife has withdrawn if she’s being bothered a lot about having sex. If my DH had done that to me, it may have not worked out so well for us. I would not want to be pressured. And, I really cannot imagine having cancer and early menopause…a menopause on schedule when I was well was hard enough for me! I hope OP and his wife work it out.

Patterncarmen · 18/02/2025 14:56

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 18/02/2025 14:06

I’m not going to comment on the question you asked about sex, but I am going to tell you something…I had breast cancer a few years ago and I went through a year and a week of incredibly brutal, traumatic treatment. I am ‘recovered’ in the sense that I am cancer free now. But my god…I don’t think I’ll ever recover mentally. Unless you’ve been through it you have NO IDEA of the impact it has on you. People think because your treatment was successful, that you’re all fine and back to normal! Well, that doesn’t happen I’m afraid, and if your wife is anything like me she’s probably living with a daily terror that the cancer will come back, and most other issues take a back seat, because you simply can’t function like you used to. I know it doesn’t help you and your relationship issues at all, but I have to say, I’m absolutely sick and tired of everyone thinking I’m over it and completely as I used to be, because nobody has a clue…and I’m afraid to say that person has gone forever. I wonder if your wife feels the same.

I’m glad you got through it, but I am so sorry to hear about the trauma. That stuff takes time to heal from. There is a really good book called How we Break by Vincent Deary that was helpful to me when I was going through a rough time.

Smittenkitchen · 18/02/2025 15:26

.

Smittenkitchen · 18/02/2025 15:29

Motherofdragons24 · 14/02/2025 03:15

I might get torn apart for this but I think your wife is being quite selfish to be honest.

after having our second child, between looking after a new born, negotiating with a toddler, and breastfeeding 1648362 times a day my libido was in the toilet. Sex was the absolute last thing on my mind. But I done it, once a week, and I put on a show so my husband felt like I actually wanted to do it. He never pressured me and never made me feel like I had to, he’s an amazing husband and I know he would have accepted it if I said I didn’t want to. But I also know he has needs and if I wanted my marriage to work long term which I do more than anything then sex had to be a part of it. And even though I didn’t want to do it, I wanted to want to do it so I just felt like well I’ll fake it until I make it. Honestly half an hour once a week wasn’t the end of the whole for a happy marriage.

2 years later I’m starting to enjoy it again and getting my mojo back. I appreciate this might be more difficult for your wife given her health issues but to unilaterally decide your marriage is now sexless and you just have to accept that is quite selfish.

I don't think the hormonal situation in menopause can really be compared to postpartum although it's another time when libido can be low. Temporarily not feeling in the mood in your 30's/early 40's because of being touched out etc I don't think is the same as an all-encompassing physical and mental feeling that it is not possible/desirable to ever have sex again, as some women experience in menopause. That's in addition to this lady's specific health situation, as you acknowledge.
I am also 2 years postpartum and don't have direct experience of being in menopause/peri btw.

Gymbunny2025 · 18/02/2025 17:24

Patterncarmen · 18/02/2025 09:16

OP, I’m nearly 58, DH is 61. My husband and I have not had sex for the past year. After a very difficult menopause (hot flushes, severe muscular and joint aches and pains, mood swings, dry crawly skin, anxiety, poor sleep) my desire disappeared. It is just gone. I have vaginal atrophy and dryness which pessaries only alleviate a bit. PIV Sex is thus very painful, and when we tried it, I ended up bleeding, stinging, and pain, and then an UTI on top of it and a course of antibiotics. I only had a UTI twice before in my life. My DH felt really badly about it, and we didn’t do it again. After 4-5 years in menopause hell, I finally came out the other side and feel pretty normal and so much better, and I wasn’t fancying any more pain/discomfort. To be fair, I have taken care of birth control stuff my entire life, and just not having to worry about my reproductive status, hormonal fluxes and my sexual desirability has been a blessed relief.

That said, my husband and I still hug a lot, cuddle, and kiss, and tell each other we love one another all the time. We do nice things for each other and enjoy each other’s company. We both keep fit, at a proper weight, and exercise together, and take turns cooking healthy food.

I asked my DH if he wanted to leave, or have someone on the side with my blessing. He said no way. He said he misses PIV sex, sure, but he also said…we had a very good run you know, and it is OK, and then he said he loved me and was really glad I was feeling physically so much better. That’s when I knew I had a treasure of a husband. I love him more than ever because he values me, as me, as a human being, not just for sex.

At some level, OP, you have to weigh whether being with your wife without sex is worth it to you, you have someone on the side (which you don’t want to do) or you leave and find someone else. Stop bothering your wife about it and make a decision. I’ll offer there are many other ways to show love, and being pressured for sex does not encourage loving feelings.

Your husband sounds like a gem you are very lucky. Tbh after a long and happy marriage I would assume this is how good partners would respond in this situation.

Janiie · 18/02/2025 19:19

Gymbunny2025 · 18/02/2025 17:24

Your husband sounds like a gem you are very lucky. Tbh after a long and happy marriage I would assume this is how good partners would respond in this situation.

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Yes but sadly many men and woman in sexless relationships get tired of being rejected and have flings. They play the happy wife/husband at home as they've no choice but given the opportunity many will have an om/ow.

Not in the ops case as he doesn't want anyone else but seriously, in many cases that is exactly what happens, this board is often full of threads like 'I've just found sexts how did this happen?'.

JenniferBooth · 18/02/2025 19:53

A natural menopause and a medically induced menopause are two different things @LoyalSwan although im sure you already know this.

The former happens slowly and naturally (although this still causes many women problems) and the latter is crash bang literally overnight.
Amy Dowden gave a good interview to Red magazine about it last year.
She called it crash menopause.
https://www.zinio.com/gb/article/red-uk/november-2024-i631956/what-i-wish-id-known-about-crash-menopause-a81054

https://gb.readly.com/magazines/red-uk/2024-09-26/66eec093fa19500883455863?srsltid=AfmBOorfYVptlh2OHKn-EoqRoT56yEA4jjn2ihqkPBdjLhfgCTHxhss7

Patterncarmen · 18/02/2025 20:04

Gymbunny2025 · 18/02/2025 17:24

Your husband sounds like a gem you are very lucky. Tbh after a long and happy marriage I would assume this is how good partners would respond in this situation.

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Aw, thank you. He is a total gem, and yes, I am very lucky. We have had, and continue to have very happy times together.

AmIEnough · 20/02/2025 12:58

LoyalSwan · 14/02/2025 00:53

Any affection is usually one way i.e. I cuddle into her. She occasionally slips her hand into mine but that’s about it. Without intimacy, there’ll be very little else (she wouldn’t dream of spontaneously giving me a proper kiss). We did have sex a few times backend of last year, which I know she did for me, but very quickly she made it clear that she didn’t reallly want to every time I asked. Who wants to have sex with someone who clearly doesn’t want to? She says she was making the effort, but if someone makes it clear they don’t want to, I don’t see that as making an effort! It just became a constant source of conflict.

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God this is me!!!! I feel for you. I feel so dreadfully guilty that my husband doesn’t get the intimacy he needs. Like your wife, I just don’t have it in me to show affection, in fact I fear intimacy. We do still have sex but if I never had it again it would really take the pressure off me. I wish I could help but I can certainly relate

AmIEnough · 20/02/2025 15:31

PinkPandaShoes · 14/02/2025 09:44

OP I wonder if part of the problem is the pressure that has built up.

Whenever you do anything remotely intimate or nice for her maybe she thinks you’re only doing it because you want sex which means she doesn’t particularly like the nice thing that you’re doing.

I know it’s hard but I think you need to agree that for a set period of time you will not ask for or expect sex. Maybe 6 months? Completely take the pressure off.

Maybe then intimacy in general will be received in a different way. As there is no expectation from anyone that it will lead anywhere.

It might help you to get out of the current cycle of being upset with each other.

I appreciate that this would be you doing a lot of the compromising but it seems like you’re also a stale mate at the moment and getting nowhere. And maybe she doesn’t want to be intimate because she’s worried it’ll make you think it’ll lead somewhere. Setting a clear expectation might help her come back a bit on the hugs and kisses side?

Who knows, it’s a tricky situation

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head because I think this is partly why I don’t show my husband any affection whatsoever. I really feel for him as he’s such a lovely guy but I’m so hellbent on not doing the lovey-dovey thing, partly because I find it uncomfortable but also perhaps subconsciously that I think it will lead to sex. Having said that I am much better off just doing the act of having sex rather than having sex and touching stroking kissing at the same time. I guess it makes it very transactional but for me it makes it much easier to cope with.

Minglingpringle · 20/02/2025 18:59

Patterncarmen · 18/02/2025 09:16

OP, I’m nearly 58, DH is 61. My husband and I have not had sex for the past year. After a very difficult menopause (hot flushes, severe muscular and joint aches and pains, mood swings, dry crawly skin, anxiety, poor sleep) my desire disappeared. It is just gone. I have vaginal atrophy and dryness which pessaries only alleviate a bit. PIV Sex is thus very painful, and when we tried it, I ended up bleeding, stinging, and pain, and then an UTI on top of it and a course of antibiotics. I only had a UTI twice before in my life. My DH felt really badly about it, and we didn’t do it again. After 4-5 years in menopause hell, I finally came out the other side and feel pretty normal and so much better, and I wasn’t fancying any more pain/discomfort. To be fair, I have taken care of birth control stuff my entire life, and just not having to worry about my reproductive status, hormonal fluxes and my sexual desirability has been a blessed relief.

That said, my husband and I still hug a lot, cuddle, and kiss, and tell each other we love one another all the time. We do nice things for each other and enjoy each other’s company. We both keep fit, at a proper weight, and exercise together, and take turns cooking healthy food.

I asked my DH if he wanted to leave, or have someone on the side with my blessing. He said no way. He said he misses PIV sex, sure, but he also said…we had a very good run you know, and it is OK, and then he said he loved me and was really glad I was feeling physically so much better. That’s when I knew I had a treasure of a husband. I love him more than ever because he values me, as me, as a human being, not just for sex.

At some level, OP, you have to weigh whether being with your wife without sex is worth it to you, you have someone on the side (which you don’t want to do) or you leave and find someone else. Stop bothering your wife about it and make a decision. I’ll offer there are many other ways to show love, and being pressured for sex does not encourage loving feelings.

“We had a very good run” - what a lovely way of putting it.

I think anyone who enjoys both a good, supportive, enjoyable relationship AND a mutually fulfilling sex life with the same person for a sustained period of time is actually pretty lucky. They have done well in this lottery of life and they should enjoy and appreciate that, even if it comes to an end. Loads of people aren’t so lucky.

For all the people on here who keep saying how sex is an important part of a relationship - of course it is. But they have obviously been lucky enough never to lose their sex drive or go off their partner sexually. It is perfectly possible to do this yet still love your partner and for your partner still to feel like home and for you not to want to lose him. It’s a shitty situation that’s nobody’s fault.

The people who say “sex is intimate and warm and a crucial part of a relationship so if you are in a relationship you must never stop offering sex” are showing a real lack of imagination. Loss of desire is a setback which each couple must work around in the best way for them.

Andpppy · 20/03/2025 02:38

We are clearly in this boat. I’m 56 and wife 50.

Communication has pretty much gone - I’m out at work most of the time. Our kids 14 and 17 are still at home so when I’m at home the kids are too and somehow they think they should be in every damn conversation.

I’m not clear on how seeking intimacy elsewhere is even possible if it were ever desirable. If everyone is in the same boat there must be armies of men looking for sex or intimacy and women who don’t. And who wants to carry on like that in any event. We are all different but I’d find love and betrayal incompatible.

Growing older - it could suck the joy out of Christmas.

Mischance · 20/03/2025 06:58

What is clear is that women's sex drive tends to decline over time and men's does not.
I.know there are exceptions but this is the basic trend. And it makes biological sense.
Most couples will face this dilemma over the course of the years and have to find the right solution for them.
To any men out there you do need to know that the solution does not lie in constantly pestering your partner for sex.
Taking sex off the table and fostering all the other aspects of your relationship is the only way forward. As your relationship develops that depth it is posdible your partner might begin to warm to the idea again ... but not certain.
But sure as eggs keeping on about it is not the way forward that will simply make things worse as you will both lose everything else that it good in your relationship.
Growing up.invloves accepting that life is not perfect and concentrating on the positives.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 20/03/2025 08:46

Mischance · 20/03/2025 06:58

What is clear is that women's sex drive tends to decline over time and men's does not.
I.know there are exceptions but this is the basic trend. And it makes biological sense.
Most couples will face this dilemma over the course of the years and have to find the right solution for them.
To any men out there you do need to know that the solution does not lie in constantly pestering your partner for sex.
Taking sex off the table and fostering all the other aspects of your relationship is the only way forward. As your relationship develops that depth it is posdible your partner might begin to warm to the idea again ... but not certain.
But sure as eggs keeping on about it is not the way forward that will simply make things worse as you will both lose everything else that it good in your relationship.
Growing up.invloves accepting that life is not perfect and concentrating on the positives.

Perfect!

LetGoLetThem1234 · 20/03/2025 09:10

@Andpppy "Our kids 14 and 17 are still at home so when I’m at home the kids are too and somehow they think they should be in every damn conversation." - The joys of living with teenagers🙈

Crikeyalmighty · 20/03/2025 10:40

@Mischance beautifully put -