Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

Is there anything there you don’t want to do? Do you go to shows that only interest her?

My dad used to sit through Shakespeare with mum, and make a good attempt at talking about it afterwards. He’d have preferred to be at the rugby.
I don’t go to such things with DH now because I know he won’t like it and I will enjoy it less because he’s there. He’ll complain about the cost of the tickets, transport being a pain etc.

He’s finally realised that I like a garden far more than ‘yet another fucking castle, possibly one we’ve already been to twice’, but still won’t entertain garden centres or general holiday shopping.

I disagree, I don't see selfishness, I see fear and trauma.

I'm sure OP's wife would love a hug, what she doesn't want is a hug with a threat, a hug with strings attached, a hug with a reminder of what a poor wife she is.

OP has posted and agreeing with that she is an insufficient wife is not going to help him in his marriage. OP can only change his own behaviour and see what changes.

Thanks for replying with your view. I presume you still have a sex drive of sorts?

I agree that I’m too young to be celibate. I know my own parents enjoyed a healthy sex life into their 70s.

I’m sure she would say, I never said never! But if her immediate reaction is to say no when I ask (which is generally once every week or two), or make me feel like I’m pestering her when in her words, I know she doesn’t want to, then it just breeds frustration and resentment to the point where I say, shall I just not bother!

This first paragraph! I had the same, DH said he needed more cuddles, but always starts groping (even if in a public place he would insist cuddles only count with his hands directly on my skin rather than through clothes) a close friend even asked me to stop him squeezing her bum every time they had a friend hug.

So, while I’m not suggesting this is what the OP is doing, I strongly recommend listening to what she actually wants rather than always trying to push it. It sounds like you’re great at the big, public gestures, but how about behind the scenes? Do you look after the kids so she can have a relaxing bath without her asking? Do you get up first so that breakfast is ready for her (every day, not just as a special treat that you then want a reward or recognition for). It’s the consistent thoughtfulness that will gradually make a difference.

To have and to hold
In sickness, and in health
In good times and bad
Richer and poorer
Forsaking all others

If my DH had survived cancer, and was struggling with the male equivalent of the menopause, perhaps a hormone issue where he had ED, and he didn’t feel like sex, the last thing I’d be doing would be dumping more shit on top of him stressing him out.

I think you are utterly selfish. It seems that in this post you are looking for validation from other women that your wife should have sex with you, and enjoy it (fakes it till she makes it).

Your wife has had/ is having a bad time. She may feel better some time soon. In the meantime she needs support, not pestering for sex.

Quite frankly if I’d survived cancer, had to have an early menopause, went through a horrible black menopause time, and then had to deal with a man baby complaining and arguing with me because I’m not in the right place to put out, I’d be glad if he left.

Exactly. And the "legacy" of all this treatment is that his wife doesn't want to play with his precious penis anymore?

No, OP. The legacy of the treatment is that YOUR WIFE IS ALIVE.

I totally agree and yes I do my fair share of everything and I do make her breakfast in bed with no exceptions of anything (she also does things for me like ironing which I hate).

I am mid 50s and definitely a lot less interested in sex than I used to be, mind you even DH has slowed down a bit as well.

Sometimes I find it enjoyable and I will sometimes do the deed if I'm not greatly in the mood because frankly it only takes a few minutes. I do it because DH does things he doesn't particularly enjoy too like coming up and spending the day doing chores for my elderly DPs - he doesn't have to do that, but he does it to be a kind and caring person.

Maybe that sounds transactional, well yes it is, but to a degree all relationships are transactional.

I don't know what the answer is OP, but I don't feel you're wrong to be upset about the thought of never having sex again.

To be clear it was about 7 or 8 years ago and I’ve not pressured her at all in that time. I think I’ve been patient enough and when you’re not getting any affection at all hardly, yes it makes me think about what I want. Thanks for offering a different view though.

There is nothing anyone can say OP. Your wife doesn't want sex. You do.

You have three options.

1. Stay and never have sex again, and reach a point of acceptance of that, and accept the loss that brings to your life
2. Leave and try to form a new relationship with a new woman who has sex drive.
3. Have an affair. Married people dating sites' get a great deal of business from men in your situation. So many middle aged men on there who state they love their wives, will never leave but cannot live without sex.

That's it. That's the options. Well, there is a fourth option of staying and resenting your wife and maybe keep on nagging her for sex and hoping things will change, and be bloody miserable, but I don't recommend that.

Just give her time. While it’s understandable that you’re feeling frustrated, you just have to find a way to reassure her that there’s no pressure, that you’ll always want her that way, but maybe agree to stop asking her - so that when she’s ready, she can come to you.

Then fill that time with consistent caring gestures. Stick with hand holding or a gentle touch on the shoulder, contact that’s so small that it’s non threatening. Let her work it back up into more. She might take months to work into even cuddles and kisses, she might never, but it sounds more like she wants to but just needs a break right now to focus on herself and find out who her new self is.

That’s just my thoughts anyway.

No its not. There are married person's dating sites that are for exactly this demographic.

Yeah I agree that I’m going to stop asking for a while at least (because it’s causing us both stress). I can tell you though that if I wait for her to come to me, it’ll be the first of never. She wouldn’t dream of initiating anything. It wouldn’t even occur to her for even a nanosecond.

That's all lovely, but have you ever tried taking sex off the agenda entirely? That is by far the best bet at gaining back some affection. Showing that you care more about her as a human being and what she has been through, than the possibility of putting your penis in her.

I can't tell you how unattractive it is to a traumatised woman to feel that all of the above (flowers, compliments, acts of service) are happening with an ulterior motive. It is sinister and untrustworthy.

So many women are sexually traumatised from childhood/teens, sexual relationships, fertility issues, pregnancy, childbirth, medical treatment. The layers of trauma build and build and in heterosexual relationships, male partners tend to push, which retraumatises and you are then part of the layer of trauma.

Please take sex off the agenda and see what happens.

Not pressured at all?

So no sulking when she's said no
No groping when cuddling
No hinting about sexy underwear
No straying hands when giving a massage

There really is no quicker way of turning someone off all physical interactions than pushing limits all the time.

7 years may seem a long time, but I imagine your wife is still living in fear of cancer reoccurring.
Did she have surgery? If so she probably lost body confidence as well.
Chemo etc probably took it's toll
Is she still on drugs? Probably not helping.

And I'm sure she is showing affection - caring for you and the family, doing your ironing etc

Would you really rather have sex when she is forcing herself to take part?

People on this thread need to stop telling OP what he can do to get his wife to have sex with him.

She has made is absolutely clear that she has no wish to have a sex life with him again. She does not want to get her sex drive back. She does not want to increase the physical intimacy as she knows he is doing this in the hope it will lead to sex. The last thing she wants to do is visit a sex therapist. Why would she do that? She is clear she does not want to want sex again.

Let that sink in. She does not want to want sex again.

OP you need to understand that.

Posters, stop stringing him along with forlorn hope. You are just torturing him and his wife with this.

OP needs to reach a stage of acceptance that he will not have a sex life with his wife again. And then he needs to decide whether he accepts that, leaves to form a new relationship or has an affair. Those are the only options.

Take it off the agenda completely and tell her it's off the agenda for now.
She won't enjoy cuddles, kissing or touching if she thinks she's sending a message that sex might happen.
If you clearly take it off the agenda and you don't slip up, you may be able to build trust and intimacy back up. It may take months, but you'll be in a better place than you are now.

This won't happen. She just doesn't want sex. She doesn't want to want sex. She has ended that part of her life. No means No. She is saying No. She is very clearly saying No. OP, and apparently posters on this thread, need to listen to that and respect it.

If OP does as you suggest all that will happen is when he tries to initiate sex again in the future, this whole sorry saga will repeat. His wife is actually crying at his attempts to revive their sex life. Leave her bloody alone, for God sake. She could not have been clearer.

No I don’t want to force her. The opposite in fact, I want her to want me (which I guess she never will).

Have a chat about splitting up. If you can afford to get two homes. She might be relieved.

I think that's a pressure for her, in and of itself

I do think counselling would help

The thing is, your choices are limited. Aside the fact that the new research into hrt and breast cancer is evolving and is going to take a long time to trickle down. If she doesn't wasn't sex then that's it. You have a choice of accepting it, asking to open the marriage up and get a fwb or splitting.

You can navel gaze all you want over it but ultimately. Those are your choices.

I think you need to accept and grieve the end of a sexual relationship with your wife.

OP she will never want you. That ship has sailed. It's been seven years. The longer sex if off the table the more difficult it is to get it back. She doesn't have a sex drive. She doesn't want to bring back her sex drive. She doesn't want to be intimate with you. You really really need to accept it's over. How many more years will you be deluding yourself?
The most you can get is to pressure her to have sex she doesn't want which would be abusive on your part. You don't want that.
You need to accept this new reality- your relationship changed. You either accept sex less marriage, leave or arrange sex outside your relationship with you're wife's blessing (the last one is unlikely to happen or work).

Unfortunately we can't always have everything in life or make good things last forever. Sometimes we have to make difficult choices and accept losses.

You mention kids but don’t say how old? The cancer was 7/8 years ago, so this has been an issue since then.
It sounds like you have had conversations about things like the lack of affection (not just sex) rather then only arguing like some people do.
You say your wife wouldn’t go for opening the marriage, but have actually asked her?
You say you wouldn’t be interested but you have only been focused on resolving the issue in the marriage.
Perhaps it is worth having the conversation and saying that you are not interested in the near future but you want the option to exist for you to find a FWB if the opportunity arrives. She may be fine with it, she may be hostile to it but then warm to the idea once she has thought about it. Perhaps put the idea to her and leave it with her, just be clear you don’t want her to feel pressure to behave against how she feels.
It is fine for her to never want sex again, it is not fine to say “I don’t want you but no one else can have you either.” Particularly as affection is one way. It will at least take the pressure off the need to “fix” where you both are, it is creating other options that you can both think about.