Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

I have suggested it but she didn’t want to (presumably because she thinks I’m going to expect something else afterwards, which I wouldn’t).

Her libido has definitely sailed. That won’t ever be coming back due to the fact she has zero hormones.

Having an orgasm isn't quite the same as "enjoying it". Did you know that woman sometimes orgasm when they're raped? They don't "enjoy" that.

I'm in a similar position to your wife. 57, zero libido. My partner is waiting for it to come back. Keeps asking me if I "feel better yet".

I am on HRT, but it has done nothing for my libido.

We do have sex now and then. I have a small version of what he recognises as an orgasm. He feels very happy about that. I feel, literally, nothing. (I don't tell him this)

I'd happily never have sex again. It's annoying, in an academic sort of way, but really it's just an absence of something. I can't remember what wanting it ever felt like.

To be clear though, he can never "try really hard to get me in the mood" and no amount of "flowers for no reason" is going to make a difference. I doubt very much that things will change.

Yes. GP wasn’t interested because of her medical history.

Yes I think you’re right.

I am sorry you are feeling so low. Maybe you could tell her up front that you do not expect her to have sex with you but that you wish for there to be physical affection between you that stops short of sex - I know it is not easy, but without that reassurance she will have no option but to keep you at arm's length when what she may really want is to give you a hug and comfort both of you. Tell her you are very much up for hugs, hand holds, cwtching together and that you will not expect it to lead to sex.

It is important that you do not take her sexual rejection to heart - I am sure that she would not have chosen this situation any more than you. We would all like to be in the grip of first passion for ever - but life moves on. She has moved on at a different speed due to illness and hormones.

Tell her you love her; tell her you will keep sex off the agenda; tell her you want to be able to hug and comfort each other in spite of the elephant in the room.

It may (but only may) be that in the fullness of time she will feel well enough to engage in sexual activity, but do not go into this with that expectation.

You need to be sharing your love and shared past together at this time.

Personally I would get used to the fact that sex is completely off the table. You don't want it with someone that doesn't want it. Have a chat and tell her that sex aside, intimacy is very important to you and you can't live without that. You don't want sex but you need kissing/cuddling etc that won't lead to sex. And mean it!! Take the pressure off, build the intimacy and if the sex returns in the future that's a bonus but you will still get some intimacy that you desire. Obv this will only work if you don't try it on when she gives you a proper kiss though. She needs to know that sex is genuinely off the table. Good luck.

The fact that you bring up sex every fortnight is sexual pressure. For a woman who really really doesn't want to have sex, this is extremely unpleasant. She's told you she doesn't want to have sex. So you continuing to ask (push) is disrespectful. It likely also completely extinguishes whatever flicker of lust she might have. It's really counterproductive and is creating a tense coercive relationship that is not conducive to pleasant mutually enjoyable sex OR a loving relationship.

That is very likely also why she is not physically affectionate (hugs and kisses and saying complimentary things about you) - because you'll get horny and then she'll have to turn you down, which will build into another tense argument where she again has to state her boundaries.

You must accept what she has told you.

My H and I had a similar situation when I became perimenopausal. I had no libido and he started complaining and crying about how sex was important to him. It got to the point that I literally felt revolted - nauseous - at the thought of sex and didn't even want to touch him because then he'd start grabbing and looking hopeful. I got really fed up with this. Eventually I told him I never wanted sex again, not with him, not with anyone, and we should divorce if he could not accept this.

My H thought about it for a week and then came back and said he didn't want to lose me, that sex was only a small part of our the richness of our relationship, and he could do without it. But he did want me to kiss and hug him and to be able to cuddle with me. I said I wanted to do that but there should be no expectations of sex.

So we rolled along with that for a few years (about 5), and he repeatedly made it absolutely clear that he was happy with how things were. In the absence of the pressure and expectations and tension, I actually started feeling flickers of lust and noticing how handsome my H is and thinking how much I love him. And we're now back at it, not very often, but it's very enjoyable and who knows how it will develop from here.

OP, stop with the pressure and accept what your wife says. Maybe you should get individual counseling to deal with it and help find which of the options open to you is most palatable: divorce or acceptance of a life without sex in the context of a marriage with someone you like and love and where you feel loved and valued.

I don't advocate opening the marriage because enthusiastic consent is needed from your wife for that, otherwise you will open a hornet's nest that will likely lead to a lot of trouble and pain and tension and eventually an unamicable divorce. I also condemn cheating, not only because it's shitty to the spouse but because it will require you to lie and live an inauthentic life.

I don't know why people are suggesting having sex elsewhere. He's already said he needs the intimacy with his WIFE it's not about the sex

Another one of these.
45 yo here, not menopausal yet, very happy to give up sex altogether at 40.
Always loathed it, more or less.
(Significantly older - relevant) husband happy, previously offered an amicable split, divorce etc.
Still alright after 20 years.
For myself, I'd rather divorce and very, very happily live by myself, than to have sex ever again. To me, sex is a disgusting matter.

Nobody would even dream to tell.

Completely agree. Forcing someone into celibacy is horrible.

To me, sex is a disgusting matter

This seems quite sad

Apologies not rtwt so may have already been covered
@LoyalSwan oestrogen is not recommended after breast cancer but I’m not sure about testosterone.Testosterone is prescribed to restore libido post menopause. It can be very beneficial.
If your wife wished to explore this she could ask her GP, or her specialist.

You sound like a nice man , you are kind and love your wife. TBH 50 is much too young to be celibate though.Many men feel like you do ,but sometimes meeting someone else is inevitable .People divorce for many reasons ,and this is one of the most common.Your wife has been through a lot and it is unlikely she will regain her libido .Friends who are divorced, still have a good connection with their ex partners. RL do sometimes end that is life sadly .I wish you well

Thanks for the perspective. I guess I’ve raised it regularly recently because I got fed up of feeling unwanted. Yes I think you’re right though, I need to just cool it, accept it and see how I feel in 6 months time when hopefully the emotion has been taken out of it. You are right, there is much more to a relationship than just sex, but if one person has a sex drive and the other doesn’t, it just leads to frustration and ultimately resentment. I’m very torn. On the one hand the rest of the relationship is good and it’s us against the world and we enjoy spending time together and on the hand, I’m desperate to feel wanted. I know that may sound selfish given everything she’s been through, but it’s how I feel.

I also know that I don’t want to have sex with anyone else. Once with my wife would be worth a 100 times with someone else. I love her.

Yes she’s been told no to testosterone as well because of her medical history.

It's a difficult situation for you both. Saying she's selfish is unreasonable - I had cancer, can't have hrt. Zero sex drive. I've tried testosterone, herbal remedies, reading erotica.. They haven't worked. I'm at the point now of just accepting it's gone, which means my relationship may end but I can't face constantly worrying and feeling inadequate. The latter makes me even less likely to try. Additionally I was abused as a child and had a few bad adult experiences which mean I'm relieved not to be having sex.

So it's complicated. I love my partner but pressure however light makes me run the opposite way. I'm astounded now at how important hormones are, I honestly thought sex drive was pretty much a constant, a feeling that fluctuated but was always there. Now I know it's not.

It's such a difficult one! It's easy to say you should try to come to a compromise but how could you actually enjoy sex with someone who doesn't really want it and is going along with it to appease you. If you want a sex life you will have to separate, but you have to ask yourself if it is worth losing out on all the other positives of your relationship for a leg over once in a while. I suppose you could try couples counselling as your wife may have other reasons aside from hormones considering what she has been through.

@LoyalSwan I don't have a solution for you but as a female, I can relate on both sides.

1 of my exs wouldnt initiate sex or physical intimacy at all (no hand holding, kissing, anything). The effect the physical rejection had on my self esteem was awful. I often felt like I was the problem and like they were ashamed of me. Because why else would someone claim to love you but didn't actually want to touch you unless you did it first. In the end I left because I couldn't continue feeling like I was some sort of rejected needy predator.

I also had experience with a guy who had (porn induced) ED, this induced a whole different trauma battle for me. The pressure for sex was constant even though he knew he couldn't perform. I was constantly groped (hard), most conversations had some form of comment about sex, i was bullied and made to feel inadequate and often blamed for his ED issues. Surprisingly or rather not, it ended up where he could only stay hard and perform to finish in times I was unwilling or unable to consensually participate, often when i was asleep. He claimed he took the chance while he could perform and thought I'd be happy 🙄 Its quite obvious i was a piece of meat to him and I was made to feel disgusting because of his own ED shame.

You dont seem to be taking any of your wife's feelings into consideration here and I know my examples are extreme but I understand your feeling of rejection but I also feel your wife's frustration at the pressure. I would prefer the rejection over the latter. I'm only 30 so I haven't hit the menopausal issue with the roles reversed but it's clear that the person who doesn't want sex will always win the argument. Its you who has to make the choice of accepting that and finding a way to manage your own feelings without projecting that onto your wife or leaving.

Apologies if anyone has mentioned this already. She still can have vaginal oestrogen & Testosterone gel - in fact early studies in the US have shown that Testosterone may prevent the likelihood of breast cancer recurrence.

Take a look at the Balance Menopause website together.

Brilliant.

What a horrible dismissive attitude. Having a wank is not the same as having sex as part of a loving relationship.

You might be surprised! It might take longer than you’d hope for, but if you can get her recognising you for who you are again, without her constant fear that you’re going to push her for intimacy, then she’ll remember the things she originally found attractive.

It takes a long time though to get that feeling of trust back if she’s feeling hounded at the moment (this is about her feelings - regardless of whether it reflects how you feel you’ve actually behaved).

It might not ever be the same again, but if you can build new trust, respect and attraction then you can find something that works for you both

That’s definitely not true for every woman. Plenty still love and desire sex after menopause.

There are lots of comments here around making the effort to have sex even if you don’t want to. Before I lost my sex drive I would have thought the same - just make the effort every now and then for his sake and the sake of your marriage.

But what I didn’t expect was how complex my feelings would be. After years of having sex I didn’t want, I have started to resent it, and past unpleasant encounters with other men (sexual assault really) have raised their ugly heads. When you have a sex drive, you can often overcome other things - like feeling tired, the house being a mess, kids in the next room, past traumas even. But when you don’t have that drive those things become almost impossible to overcome and then the whole thing becomes problematic.

I still want to have sex every now and then for his sake IN THEORY. But as soon as I see he’s thinking of making a move (I can read him like a book), I get a surge of panic and run a mile.

I’ve tried counselling, even taking a hormone (I have a condition that has at least contributed to lack of libido), we’ve talked endlessly about it. There is no solution. It’s very depressing and will eat away at our marriage, and I don’t know what to do.

Were you able to have testosterone, even though you’ve had hormonal breast cancer?

Sorry to hear about your experiences. Yes it would appear that hormones are absolutely crucial and I certainly didn’t have a clue about any of this a few years ago.