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Original poster

Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

370 replies

LoyalSwan · 13/02/2025 23:51

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

OP posts:
salemcooper · 14/02/2025 05:37

I'm in your wife's shoes. I could very happily never have sex again and it wouldn't bother me. Have you asked whether it's more than that? Once I was honest with myself that I didn't want to have sex I realised that actually because I have no sex drive it kind of grosses me out. If this is the case for your wife too, it may be making her quite uncomfortable. This may also not be the case, of course, just speaking from my own experience.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 14/02/2025 05:44

Galdownunder · 14/02/2025 01:38

I do just get on with it. It can be painful so that can mean it’s not really fun for anyone but sometimes after a few drinks I’m obviously more relaxed and I will be able to participate in a way that means it’s been nice and he feels like he’s loved and wanted. I am very keen to stay married because he’s an incredible person in every way so we’ll middle through I guess as long as he is willing to have this less than wild sex life. Having said that at 40 it wasn’t the same as at 30 and same for 30 v 20s. He’s getting older too and has instances of ED etc. I am trying other options to help because I’d love to stay married and I hate feeling so insecure at my age it’s heartbreaking and causes me massive stress and worry.

Really ? How was it different at 40 to 30 ? Sex with H hasn't really changed ( in terms of how pleasurable it is) since we met 25 years ago. We are about 50.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 14/02/2025 05:45

Both relatively fit with a healthy BMI if that makes a difference ( I think it might).

Devon24 · 14/02/2025 05:53

Marriage and sex counselling. Your wife needs to be able to see what is at stake.
I wouldn’t leave an otherwise happy marriage, your sex drive will diminish and it’s likely you will feel more comfortable then. The other qualities you have outlined will provide the basis of a happy old age op.
I would ask her what she suggests you do? A sexless marriage is really a friendship.

I wouldn’t consider an illicit affair, you sound like a principled person and it will erode away at your conscience. The therapy should help you both.

I would be disappointed in the situation too, but the sudden menopause and having cancer is a huge deal and a lot for anyone to deal with.

Devon24 · 14/02/2025 05:57

Reproductively what your wife is experiencing is completely natural. After children the need for sex diminishes, the need for intimacy however does not.

I would be requesting more affection and kisses. If this improves you may feel more loved. If she can’t even manage basic affection I would be looking to leave altogether. The cost of remaining is too high.

ArcticBells · 14/02/2025 06:08

Motherofdragons24 · 14/02/2025 03:15

I might get torn apart for this but I think your wife is being quite selfish to be honest.

after having our second child, between looking after a new born, negotiating with a toddler, and breastfeeding 1648362 times a day my libido was in the toilet. Sex was the absolute last thing on my mind. But I done it, once a week, and I put on a show so my husband felt like I actually wanted to do it. He never pressured me and never made me feel like I had to, he’s an amazing husband and I know he would have accepted it if I said I didn’t want to. But I also know he has needs and if I wanted my marriage to work long term which I do more than anything then sex had to be a part of it. And even though I didn’t want to do it, I wanted to want to do it so I just felt like well I’ll fake it until I make it. Honestly half an hour once a week wasn’t the end of the whole for a happy marriage.

2 years later I’m starting to enjoy it again and getting my mojo back. I appreciate this might be more difficult for your wife given her health issues but to unilaterally decide your marriage is now sexless and you just have to accept that is quite selfish.

I agree. I actually tank your wife could be making some effort. Are there herbal remedies she could try? Years ago before HRT was so readily available ginkgo (?) used to be taken . Maybe she cousin some research on these. I also think a sec therapist might be able to help

Galdownunder · 14/02/2025 06:53

Neurodiversitydoctor · 14/02/2025 05:44

Really ? How was it different at 40 to 30 ? Sex with H hasn't really changed ( in terms of how pleasurable it is) since we met 25 years ago. We are about 50.

Show quote history

I had more energy at 30, no kids, healthier, fitter etc. At 40 I had a 9 year old, long commute, bigger mortgage, developed hashimotos. Nice if you feel the same at 50 as you did at 20 but most of us don’t. I could have happily had sex every day at 20, that has changed significantly as I grew older. So has my husband I thought it was normal to go through peaks and troughs with this?

Velvian · 14/02/2025 07:14

I think you're being slightly unfair to her @LoyalSwan . You want her to have sex for you and it sounds like she has been.

It sounds like as well as no desire due to hormone changes, that she may have some trauma relating to her reproductive system generally, so her not wanting to be penetrated and a fear of being penetrated are not her 'not trying hard enough'

I would recommend that any hope of rebuilding trust and connection, starts with taking any kind of penetrative sex off the agenda, until a connection can be rebuilt where she feels safe enough.

I think if there is a future point where she will feel safe and comfortable, you will have delayed that point with your action so far, she is telling you as much. I think many heterosexual men really struggle to see their own part in a dwindling sexual relationship and seem to have the idea that 'wanting to have sex' means the problem does not lie with them.

Has your wife had any trauma counselling?

TreesWelliesKnees · 14/02/2025 07:14

I don't agree with PPs that a marriage without sex is like a friendship or having a flatmate. The commitment, the deep knowing of each other, the sharing of 'all that you have', the history etc, all make it distinct and special, regardless of the physical side. At some point sex will be off the table in every marriage, but do we think about that when we see couples in their 80s supporting each other through illness? No, we celebrate their commitment to each other.

OP, would your wife agree to marriage counselling? It might help to clarify things for you both.

Galdownunder · 14/02/2025 07:16

Also OP I know your wife and I can’t take HRT but we both can have topical esterogen as it doesn’t enter your bloodstream. That may not bring back her libido but it definitely helps with discomfort, keeping tissues healthier etc down there. Might be worth a visit to her gynae for a check up and conversation? But at the end of the day could be she really wants to live a life without sex and that’s ok.

bullrushes · 14/02/2025 07:26

LoyalSwan · 14/02/2025 01:00

Thanks for providing your perspective. Do you just sort of get on with it (I know it sounds terrible) because you know it’s important to your husband? Or is it a case that he’s got to try really hard to get you in the mood?

Show quote history

everyone is different. I like the intimacy and being close to my DH but despite being on high dose hrt there is just nothing there. You could literally rub my clitoris in the most perfect way but I would feel nothing whatsoever, it’s just disappeared. So it isn’t about getting in the mood. It simply doesn’t happen.
Having says that I think your wife is wrong to avoid intimacy. That’s just unfair.

IDontHateRainbows · 14/02/2025 07:41

There have been times I've lost my sex drive, luckily not permanently, but I'm always aware that I can still give him pleasure, a bit like cooking a lovely meal for my partner even if I'm not hungry, I'll get pleasure out of his pleasure if that makes sense.

Sorry your wife won't do this for you, if not with you.
And before I get jumped on by the feminists , I'm in no way saying a woman has to pleasure a man if she's not up for it. But it pleases me to please someone I love. He's never ever pressured me, it's my choice.

Luckily my libido is back to full throttle now so it's mutual

myplace · 14/02/2025 07:50

Expectation is the worst passion killer. I loved intimacy with DH- cuddling, hand holding, just physical contact. But it couldn’t happen without him groping me then being upset I didn’t want sex.

And the sex was bad, frankly. Even if it had been good, I wanted the choice. I didn’t want it to be obligatory, another chore on my to do list, make my husband happy.

What are you doing to make her happy, out of interest? Are you going out of your way to do things that you aren’t interested in because she really enjoys them? I’d love to know what.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 14/02/2025 07:52

LoyalSwan · 14/02/2025 01:04

My wife wouldn’t accept that and I honestly don’t think I could do it (I haven’t so much as looked at someone else in the 18 years we’ve been together). The frustrating thing is that I only want her, but if someone doesn’t want you physically, what do you do?!

Show quote history

This is such a tough situation for you both. I personally couldn't have a relationship with no sex (I'm a woman in my late 40s), and equally wouldn't expect a partner to live without sex if for whatever reason I didn't want it. Neither of you are wrong for wanting/not wanting a sexual relationship, but it seems like the only options are you accept a sexless relationship, you have no strings sexual relationships on the side, or you split up. Only you and your wife can decide which one is the best (of a bad bunch) option.

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 07:55

Summerhillsquare · 14/02/2025 02:57

Amazes me that posters give thoughtful sensible replies to these ploppers, why bother? He's only interested in rhe magic words he imagines will make his poor wife comply.

💯

Original poster
LoyalSwan · 14/02/2025 08:05

Ilovelurchers · 14/02/2025 03:42

When you discuss the relationship, what does she say she feels about you, other than the sex? Does she say she is still in love with you? Still passionately committed to you above all others, etc?

I will first explain first - I am a menopausal woman who has been lucky enough (so far) to retain her libido, perhaps with the aid of HRT, so I can't fully empathise with how your wife feels (tho I have previously suffered low libido when on hormonal contraception, so do have some insights maybe).

But for me, libido is only one element of that passionate attraction to my partner. To just give two examples from today: my man has recently grown his hair long which I really like and when he came out of the petrol station today I didn't recognise him for a moment, thought who is that gorgeous bloke? And then I wanted to tell him about that when he got in the car. Because I love him and know he can be insecure about his looks and thought he should know how beautiful I still find him, even in our late 40s....Then later, we were cuddling in bed and I was thinking how nice it was to have his strong arms around me (sorry for sounding like a bad romance novel) even tho I have a cold currently and no interest in actual shagging, Tonight, as I do often, I definitely initiated and enjoyed lying naked together for the physical pleasure and emotional closeness (though not for sex itself).

NONE of this is connected to libido/sex. So these feelings of love, wanting him to feel special, finding him beautiful etc, they would still remain if my libido were gone, I believe. And consequently I believe some level of sexual intimacy would still be possible and desirable for me, even if my actual literal sex drive was totally gone......I might focus more on his pleasure than mine, for example. And more on things like massage/sensual touching with some sexual release at the end...... Just speculating. But I think there are ways to go about it that can make it a pleasant experience for both partners even if one of them doesn't feel much like having actual sex....... OF COURSE I only mean if both are fully on board and agreed to try - I hope that goes without saying......

IF your wife still feels that she loves you and wants you to feel special and loved, then I think there is hope and maybe you can work on it together.If, however, as it sounds from your later messages (about her never initiating cuddles etc) she more sees you as a friend/housemate now, then I think it is possible you may need to look to leave.

It's possible that all the arguments have been making her feel more entrenched in her no sex position. It's difficult, because my immediate response is that you shouldn't be trying to argue her into sex she doesn't want...... But equally she shouldn't expect you to live a sexless life you didn't sign up for ....

What I would absolutely urge you NOT to do, is show her this thread and say, look, other women make the effort even though they don't feel like it. Everyone is different, and you can't persuade her to love you/want you by telling her what other women do.

In the end her feelings for you are what they are, and you sadly won't be able to argue her out of them. If she doesn't love you any more - or not as a husband/partner/lover anyway - then I think you may have to get your head around moving on.

Honestly, she shows she loves me through her actions (being supportive when I need her e.g. when my dad was ill), but she doesn’t ever verbally tell me she loves me.

She says she doesn’t feel attraction to ANYONE because she has zero hormones. I take pride in my appearance, go to the gym a couple of times a week, I’m not overweight and i only drink in moderation (once or twice a week).

We tried massage a couple of times, but then she’d say I’m only doing it because I want sex afterwards.

It's possible that all the arguments have been making her feel more entrenched in her no sex position.… yes absolutely that’s exactly where we are!

I won’t be showing her this thread… it was just for me to get a 2nd female opinion.

I think she does love me sort of and her view would be that we can be plutonic and still husband and wife (citing friends of ours as an example who are 20 years older!). But I really don’t see a sexless, affectionless relationship as a marriage.

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 08:12

@LoyalSwan a second opinion in what? Your wife's libido? I think you need to trust what she has said (no matter what any other woman says). And go back to the options this leaves you with as outlined by earlier. By a poster I can't tag!

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 08:13

@jsku

Very good posts

Original poster
LoyalSwan · 14/02/2025 08:14

myplace · 14/02/2025 07:50

Expectation is the worst passion killer. I loved intimacy with DH- cuddling, hand holding, just physical contact. But it couldn’t happen without him groping me then being upset I didn’t want sex.

And the sex was bad, frankly. Even if it had been good, I wanted the choice. I didn’t want it to be obligatory, another chore on my to do list, make my husband happy.

What are you doing to make her happy, out of interest? Are you going out of your way to do things that you aren’t interested in because she really enjoys them? I’d love to know what.

Good question. I’ve done lots of things to show I love her recently such as buying her flowers for no reason, arranging date nights, I booked us a spa break, I post nice things on fb to tell everyone how much I love her and i tell her constantly how great she looks (both because she does and I want to make her feel good about herself).

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyalSwan · 14/02/2025 08:17

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 08:12

@LoyalSwan a second opinion in what? Your wife's libido? I think you need to trust what she has said (no matter what any other woman says). And go back to the options this leaves you with as outlined by earlier. By a poster I can't tag!

I guess I want to know if I’m being unreasonable, or if I’m not being understanding enough of her physical issues.

OP posts:
Icanttakethisanymore · 14/02/2025 08:19

Summerhillsquare · 14/02/2025 02:57

Amazes me that posters give thoughtful sensible replies to these ploppers, why bother? He's only interested in rhe magic words he imagines will make his poor wife comply.

Maybe because they view the situation differently to you? I don’t really have anything of use to say on this topic but I can imagine people would take a different views (probably depending on their own attitude to sex in a relationship). Just because you don’t feel inclined to offer support to this person doesn’t mean no one else does.

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 08:19

Both?

Didn't change your options though

Pelot · 14/02/2025 08:20

It's not fair for you to be sexless. If she won't/can't then she has to accept that you will have an open marriage and seek other partners.

Macaroni46 · 14/02/2025 08:22

Like some other posters I think your wife is being selfish. Not because she doesn't want sex. It's her body and no one should have sex they don't want.
I think she's selfish in that she won't recognise the impact on you and denies you affection.
Personally I think you should talk to her about opening up the marriage. As another poster suggested, a FWB for you. 50 is far too young for celibacy.
My partner is early 60s and we enjoy a vigorous sex life together. I see no reason for ever stopping intimacy as we age. The physical side of our relationship cements our whole relationship.

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 08:25

Macaroni46 · 14/02/2025 08:22

Like some other posters I think your wife is being selfish. Not because she doesn't want sex. It's her body and no one should have sex they don't want.
I think she's selfish in that she won't recognise the impact on you and denies you affection.
Personally I think you should talk to her about opening up the marriage. As another poster suggested, a FWB for you. 50 is far too young for celibacy.
My partner is early 60s and we enjoy a vigorous sex life together. I see no reason for ever stopping intimacy as we age. The physical side of our relationship cements our whole relationship.

I guess the reality is it's very difficult for an older guy to find casual sex/FWB when he's married... I doubt he'll have women queuing up to take on that role 😂. Maybe that's why he's posting on mumsnet....