Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

@Minglingpringle suspect too that few of the ones showing a lack of empathy are over 55 nor have experienced yet in life things that can kill asexual life but you still care for each other, affairs, ( of all kinds) severe illness or chronic conditions, dubious behaviour ( sexting etc) simply not fancying them much sexually - and simply age related factors - life has a lot of grey areas that I think don’t really enter your mind till you encounter them - are women expected to feel sexual until literally death! I think this aspect stays with men far longer as they can father children in their 70s and are less complicated beings hormonal -

I don't agree that the way you fancy your DH and want to lie naked in his arms are not linked to your libido.

How is it clear that men's sex drive doesn't decline as they get older???

I said they "tend" to and that there are exceptions. I was very careful not to assume it applies to everyone. But you only have to look on this site for a while to see that lots of women as they age feel pestered for sex by their partners, whose libido continues unabated.......

are women expected to feel sexual until literally death!

What concerns me about this expectation is that many women take hormones (testosterone) to ginger up their libido for their partner's benefit. How many more chemicals must women chuck down their throats to please others?

And you don't think men 'tend' to also have challenges as they get older. Have you seen how much money is in Viagra?

I am sure they do.

Playing devil's advocate though. The actual act of sex aside, the closeness that comes from that skin on skin contact is really important and feels wonderful. I'd miss those tender and loving moments if we didn't have them.

@bostonchamps I’m genuinely pleased you still feel like that - problem is many women don’t

Yeah, there's a LOT of money in Viagra. Meanwhile the research on endometriosis, which actually causes physical pain and induces life-sapping anemia, is tiny. And let's not mention research into the menopause, which doesn't apparently deserve any research despite it wrecking the lives, health, and earning power of a staggering number of women.

Men’s orgasms are VERY important.

To whom? For whom?

For the man I'd imagine!

Exactly. After a lifetime of taking responsibility for contraception, once we no longer need it, we're expected to take a different hormonal mix to keep us sexually active, even at the point we no longer want to be.

I'd rather be single, honestly. The need to police our fertility/libido to service men for our entire lives is too much to ask.

What's most important to me, is peace, quiet and a whole bed to myself.

I will never understand why men think constantly going on about sex, badgering, pestering, getting moody etc is in any way conducive to making a woman want to be intimate with them. It's such a turn off. I'm glad to be single now and not have to put up with all that.

Lichen sclerosis is a killer to sexual intimacy. I thought I had thrush and was prescribed so much Diflucan I became allergic to it. For over 20yrs sex was so painful due to small tears in the skin of the labia. Sex became impossible, then despite numerous visits (even to a STD clinic) a random comment by a GP led me to getting diagnosed with LS. It took over a year to become asymptomatic and even now I get a flare up. Not enough research being done!! We've not had sex since our 30th anniversary. Counselling didn't work so we've just accepted it, not even FWB.

We actually had a long chat about this last night and my husband understands it so much better now. He said he doesn’t want to have sex anymore unless I’m up for it and just wants more affection and closeness. He said he missed giving me massages and long cuddles because I always pull away (thinking he wanted it to end with sex). I am so glad he knows he really understands what it’s like for me and I feel like we have ways of staying together and being happy. Thanks to this thread I used a lot of the language shared by others on here so very grateful to you all for your input.

I'm on tamoxifen post breast cancer and I think have been through/am in menopause in my late 30s. I do have some libido but it's more that sometimes I look at my husband and realise I fancy him but I don't particularly want to do anything about it. I enjoy sex but have no desire to start it, as another person said - it feels faintly ridiculous and entirely pointless. But then I do it and do actually enjoy it so have to get through the lack of desire knowing that it will be good when it gets going. Does your wife like it at the time? I think a lot of foreplay and touch helps. Sometimes we just take all our clothes off and, "see what happens". It's difficult for my husband because he must get sick of always initiating but I've explained pretty bluntly that if he wants to have sex he'll have to do the initiating and make me feel entirely adored and gorgeous because I find it impossible to initiate.
Regarding HRT - newer research suggests that there are some kinds of HRT that can be safely given to post cancer women. My gynecologist and oncologist are launching an HRT clinic for post breast cancer menopausal women. I was delighted because I have to have my ovaries removed soon. Then I listened to a podcast of a breast cancer surgeon who then got breast cancer and she was pretty much warning against it. So she must do her research and speak to her oncologist but it may be that some level of HRT will be available.

Thanks for the message (it was a while ago that I initially posted this thread).

I had read the same about HRT, although the advice still appears to be largely to avoid it if you’ve had hormonal breast cancer (unless your meno symptoms are so severe that you feel as though that you cannot cope). Wife does not appear to be bothered about investigating anything further in this regard at the moment (because she’s so fed up with initial GP response). The truth is that I think she could do with exploring this again, because she suffers with sleep issues, severe fatigue and memory loss/fog. I don’t want to push it though until she’s ready.

In terms of sex, my wife sounds very similar to you. She has little to no desire but does seem to enjoy it once we get going (it’s not painful and she doesn’t suffer with dryness, it’s purely an issue with desire due to lack of hormones). In the original thread above I said a while back that I was going to take it off the table and tell her that I wasn’t going to hassle her. I did exactly that, which made her relax. Then to my surprise she initiated it with me after a month or so. She knows how important it is to me so I know she’s making the effort for me, which I do appreciate. I haven’t mentioned it since as still don’t want to hassle her, so will see how it goes.