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Original poster

Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

370 replies

LoyalSwan · 13/02/2025 23:51

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyalSwan · 14/02/2025 09:35

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 14/02/2025 09:15

I think that's a pressure for her, in and of itself

I do think counselling would help

Show quote history

I would but she wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that.

OP posts:
Itsalwaysfools · 14/02/2025 09:39

Motherofdragons24 · 14/02/2025 03:15

I might get torn apart for this but I think your wife is being quite selfish to be honest.

after having our second child, between looking after a new born, negotiating with a toddler, and breastfeeding 1648362 times a day my libido was in the toilet. Sex was the absolute last thing on my mind. But I done it, once a week, and I put on a show so my husband felt like I actually wanted to do it. He never pressured me and never made me feel like I had to, he’s an amazing husband and I know he would have accepted it if I said I didn’t want to. But I also know he has needs and if I wanted my marriage to work long term which I do more than anything then sex had to be a part of it. And even though I didn’t want to do it, I wanted to want to do it so I just felt like well I’ll fake it until I make it. Honestly half an hour once a week wasn’t the end of the whole for a happy marriage.

2 years later I’m starting to enjoy it again and getting my mojo back. I appreciate this might be more difficult for your wife given her health issues but to unilaterally decide your marriage is now sexless and you just have to accept that is quite selfish.

You sound younger. Post-menopause, it can seriously hurt. Vaginal atrophy is horrendous and something you can't envisage or imagine until it happens to you.

rookiemere · 14/02/2025 09:40

Bibi12 · 14/02/2025 09:24

OP she will never want you. That ship has sailed. It's been seven years. The longer sex if off the table the more difficult it is to get it back. She doesn't have a sex drive. She doesn't want to bring back her sex drive. She doesn't want to be intimate with you. You really really need to accept it's over. How many more years will you be deluding yourself?
The most you can get is to pressure her to have sex she doesn't want which would be abusive on your part. You don't want that.
You need to accept this new reality- your relationship changed. You either accept sex less marriage, leave or arrange sex outside your relationship with you're wife's blessing (the last one is unlikely to happen or work).

Unfortunately we can't always have everything in life or make good things last forever. Sometimes we have to make difficult choices and accept losses.

I agree with this.

His DW hasn't had sex with him for 7 years. I don't think backing off for a few months is going to make any difference except they will be a few months further down the line.

OP why don't you go for counselling by yourself. It feels like there are a couple of not very savoury options, so possibly the best thing to do is accept your DW will not change and explore which option is the least worst one for you.

PinkPandaShoes · 14/02/2025 09:44

OP I wonder if part of the problem is the pressure that has built up.

Whenever you do anything remotely intimate or nice for her maybe she thinks you’re only doing it because you want sex which means she doesn’t particularly like the nice thing that you’re doing.

I know it’s hard but I think you need to agree that for a set period of time you will not ask for or expect sex. Maybe 6 months? Completely take the pressure off.

Maybe then intimacy in general will be received in a different way. As there is no expectation from anyone that it will lead anywhere.

It might help you to get out of the current cycle of being upset with each other.

I appreciate that this would be you doing a lot of the compromising but it seems like you’re also a stale mate at the moment and getting nowhere. And maybe she doesn’t want to be intimate because she’s worried it’ll make you think it’ll lead somewhere. Setting a clear expectation might help her come back a bit on the hugs and kisses side?

Who knows, it’s a tricky situation

Janiie · 14/02/2025 09:51

Loubylie · 14/02/2025 09:12

Have a chat about splitting up. If you can afford to get two homes. She might be relieved.

Sadly I agree.

No one should impose a sexless relationship on anyone. Many people suffer cancer and of course all women go through peri then the menopause, neither are excuses for just deciding neither of you will ever have sex with each other again. Physical intimacy is as much an important part of a relationship as getting on well. If you argued all the time, you'd probably split.

If she doesn't fancy you anymore and won't discuss anything to improve the situation then leave. Or stay and hope that one day in 6mths she may grace you with half arsed sex.

Life is too short.

RetroTotty · 14/02/2025 09:53

I’ve done lots of things to show I love her recently such as buying her flowers for no reason, arranging date nights, I booked us a spa break, I post nice things on fb to tell everyone how much I love her and i tell her constantly how great she looks (both because she does and I want to make her feel good about herself).

All this sounds like you treat your wife like a slot machine. You pay 'kindness' coins in, hoping sex will drop out.

It won't. You split or stay celibate.

Velvian · 14/02/2025 09:56

Nowhere does OP say they haven't had sex for 7 years. I think the cancer was 7 years ago. He talks about 'when we have done it' in a more recent context.

OP's complaint was when they do have sex, she doesn't enjoy it.

Janiie · 14/02/2025 09:58

RetroTotty · 14/02/2025 09:53

I’ve done lots of things to show I love her recently such as buying her flowers for no reason, arranging date nights, I booked us a spa break, I post nice things on fb to tell everyone how much I love her and i tell her constantly how great she looks (both because she does and I want to make her feel good about herself).

All this sounds like you treat your wife like a slot machine. You pay 'kindness' coins in, hoping sex will drop out.

It won't. You split or stay celibate.

What a sad way to think. Perhaps he is just a loving supportive husband?

RetroTotty · 14/02/2025 10:04

What a sad way to think. Perhaps he is just a loving supportive husband?

I’ve done lots of things to show I love her recently

RECENTLY.

Janiie · 14/02/2025 10:08

RetroTotty · 14/02/2025 10:04

What a sad way to think. Perhaps he is just a loving supportive husband?

I’ve done lots of things to show I love her recently

RECENTLY.

So what, do you want dates and times of said nice treats?

So many people in long term relationships think letting their dp know very clearly that they don't fancy them anymore and anything sexual is off the cards is ok. It isn't. Either attempt to fix it or split.

Celibacy at 50 is very sad and I'd imagine quite soul destroying.

LittleEar · 14/02/2025 10:11

What would you do if your wife was dead and you were single and couldn’t get sex?

Have a wank and stop pestering her. Be responsible for your own pleasure.

Original poster
LoyalSwan · 14/02/2025 10:11

Velvian · 14/02/2025 09:56

Nowhere does OP say they haven't had sex for 7 years. I think the cancer was 7 years ago. He talks about 'when we have done it' in a more recent context.

OP's complaint was when they do have sex, she doesn't enjoy it.

It was a few months ago now. It’s not even that she doesn’t enjoy it, once we get going she often does orgasm (not all the time but sometimes). The issue is that she doesn’t really want to (to begin with) and will make me feel like I’m a pest for even mentioning it (which I have been doing probably once a fortnight), to the point where I just don’t even want to bring it up because it will result in a row.

To reiterate what I said in my original post… sex for me is not just about the physical act, it’s about maintaining a connection and feeling wanted and loved.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 14/02/2025 10:18

LittleEar · 14/02/2025 10:11

What would you do if your wife was dead and you were single and couldn’t get sex?

Have a wank and stop pestering her. Be responsible for your own pleasure.

His DW isn't dead though is she ?

If she was the other option would be to form a new relationship with someone who did want to have sex with him.

I hate this view that wanting sex with your DP makes you into some dirty sex obsessed fiend.

SkyGrant · 14/02/2025 10:21

Have you asked her what she would say and do if you said you did not want intimacy?

Coffeeishot · 14/02/2025 10:21

Itsalwaysfools · 14/02/2025 09:39

You sound younger. Post-menopause, it can seriously hurt. Vaginal atrophy is horrendous and something you can't envisage or imagine until it happens to you.

Show quote history

This, it isn't about "putting on a show" sex can and does physically hurt that and zero drive it's not just "tiredness " or whatever, it's horrendous not feeling like you can't function anymore.

rookiemere · 14/02/2025 10:23

Has OP said his DW has vaginal
atrophy ? It doesn't sound as if pain during intercourse is a factor here.

Original poster
LoyalSwan · 14/02/2025 10:26

rookiemere · 14/02/2025 10:23

Has OP said his DW has vaginal
atrophy ? It doesn't sound as if pain during intercourse is a factor here.

It isn’t. The issue is lack of desire.

OP posts:
Mischance · 14/02/2025 10:28

Any affection is usually one way i.e. I cuddle into her. She occasionally slips her hand into mine but that’s about it. Without intimacy, there’ll be very little else (she wouldn’t dream of spontaneously giving me a proper kiss).

This is because she knows you would interpret it as a come-on and she does not want to be a cock-teaser. It is not because she does not care about you. She knows what you want; she knows what she feels she cannot do and she is being honest rather than pretending.

Sexual incompatibility is a major problem in many partnerships, especially as we age; but you have the double/triple whammy of cancer and of HRT not being an option.

The fact that so many women only find sex interesting after the menopause by having HRT indicates the primal nature of the problem - women's libido declines after a certain age as they have fulfilled their reproductive imperative/used up any decent eggs and nature runs their hormones down. Men are different. The survival of the species needs them to go on "putting it about."

If she were to just go through the motions for your sake then you would (I hope) find that unacceptable. What is she to do?

I do not think there is any simple solution to your difficulty. In her situation it is like having your libido surgically excised - it is not as if it is there in the background waiting to be awoken. That ship has sailed.

Maybe you could agree that you would "see to yourself" but to have as much intimate contact as possible. As long as she feels that initiating loving contact with you will lead to something she cannot participate in, you will both lose love and affection and warmth as well as the physical act of sex. That is two losses when there only needs to be one. If she knows for sure that she can show you affection without you jumping her, then at least you can share some love together. I am sure this is what she wants, but she can only avoid the impossible by shutting that down too. At least try and find a way where you can still share love.

The "seeing to yourself" option is far from ideal - but what you have now is even worse it seems to me: no sex and alienation.

It is worth remembering that her motivation to do anything about the sexual side of your relationship will be very low - she has faced a life-threatening illness which makes her think about what she wants to do/not do with the rest of her life. There is nothing medically that can be done with her history, so there is no point in her going to the doc. So she too is in a Catch 22. She loves you but knows you want something from her that she cannot give.

I wish you both well with this problem - but remember there are no easy answers and that her failure to engage sexually with you does not mean she does not love you and value your life together.

Coffeeishot · 14/02/2025 10:28

rookiemere · 14/02/2025 10:23

Has OP said his DW has vaginal
atrophy ? It doesn't sound as if pain during intercourse is a factor here.

I was replying to it isn't always easy to "put on a show" like a pp suggested. We don't know anything about the posters wife as he hasn't really said. Do you think women should put on a show or have maintenence sex even If our bodies and minds disagree?

Gymbunny2025 · 14/02/2025 10:36

There are indeed @noeasyanswers but they are not a walk in the park for middle aged men!!

ApisMan · 14/02/2025 10:36

I'm in a very similar situation. But my wife's cancer pills gave her severe arthritis, so sex is not an option at all.

Everyone else can go on about support, emotions and the rest, but you only have 2 options.

  1. Accept no sex, and get on with your marriage, developing a right arm like popeye.
  2. Leave and start again

look on the no sex forums out there. Learn from them and decide what you want to do.
Personally, I went for option 1. but do not, for one second, think it's easy, it isn't but I love my wife, and I'd rather lose sex than her. I've also developed a craving for spinach...

Horationor · 14/02/2025 10:36

I completely went off sex during peri menopause, just didn't want it.
I also wanted my OH to be ok, we did occasionally have sex, but were also intimate in other ways, which "satisfied" him. I was happy to participate as it really mattered to me that having had a good sex life, I was effectively withdrawing it.
We'd always been quite tactile, so.lots of cuddles!
Am now post menopausal and sex drive had returned.

LushLemonTart · 14/02/2025 10:39

@LoyalSwan have you tried just giving her massages and promising they won't lead to intercourse? Eventually she may regain her libido? There's lots of books on this subject or information online.

Original poster
LoyalSwan · 14/02/2025 10:39

Mischance · 14/02/2025 10:28

Any affection is usually one way i.e. I cuddle into her. She occasionally slips her hand into mine but that’s about it. Without intimacy, there’ll be very little else (she wouldn’t dream of spontaneously giving me a proper kiss).

This is because she knows you would interpret it as a come-on and she does not want to be a cock-teaser. It is not because she does not care about you. She knows what you want; she knows what she feels she cannot do and she is being honest rather than pretending.

Sexual incompatibility is a major problem in many partnerships, especially as we age; but you have the double/triple whammy of cancer and of HRT not being an option.

The fact that so many women only find sex interesting after the menopause by having HRT indicates the primal nature of the problem - women's libido declines after a certain age as they have fulfilled their reproductive imperative/used up any decent eggs and nature runs their hormones down. Men are different. The survival of the species needs them to go on "putting it about."

If she were to just go through the motions for your sake then you would (I hope) find that unacceptable. What is she to do?

I do not think there is any simple solution to your difficulty. In her situation it is like having your libido surgically excised - it is not as if it is there in the background waiting to be awoken. That ship has sailed.

Maybe you could agree that you would "see to yourself" but to have as much intimate contact as possible. As long as she feels that initiating loving contact with you will lead to something she cannot participate in, you will both lose love and affection and warmth as well as the physical act of sex. That is two losses when there only needs to be one. If she knows for sure that she can show you affection without you jumping her, then at least you can share some love together. I am sure this is what she wants, but she can only avoid the impossible by shutting that down too. At least try and find a way where you can still share love.

The "seeing to yourself" option is far from ideal - but what you have now is even worse it seems to me: no sex and alienation.

It is worth remembering that her motivation to do anything about the sexual side of your relationship will be very low - she has faced a life-threatening illness which makes her think about what she wants to do/not do with the rest of her life. There is nothing medically that can be done with her history, so there is no point in her going to the doc. So she too is in a Catch 22. She loves you but knows you want something from her that she cannot give.

I wish you both well with this problem - but remember there are no easy answers and that her failure to engage sexually with you does not mean she does not love you and value your life together.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed reply. I think you’ve nailed all of it. I think she loves me but yes I do take physical rejection to heart and as I said, it’s not just about a quickie, it’s about maintaining a bond and feeling wanted and loved.

I know that if I don’t mention it, she will never bring it up again (i.e. she wouldn’t dream of initiating anything ever).

Given where we are this morning (hardly speaking and an air of resignation), I really don’t know where we’ll end up. I feel so low today. All I want is my wife.

OP posts: