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Original poster

Daughter of friend has approached me for help with an abortion

233 replies

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:27

She's 17, I've known her since she was a small child.

She's 2 to 3 weeks pregnant m, said she has just missed her period.

Can't tell her mum.

Of course I have told her she should, that nothing is as bad as it seems.

What a position to be in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:50

@Achyarms no it's not up to me. I've told her I will support her but it's a decision sonly she can make.

I had an abortion in my early twenties and I told her this. I don't want her to feel any shame about this whatsoever. I've given her my word that I will not tell her mother.

OP posts:
Hollyhedge · 13/02/2025 22:51

So good she has come to you. Help her. As pp said, if it were me and I found out I’d be so pleased you were there for her

Branleuse · 13/02/2025 22:51

I would take her to the gp and support her as much as possible. Dont tell her mum. She has approached you for a reason

Meltedcandlewax · 13/02/2025 22:53

I’m sorry I would be absolutely furious if someone else had taken my daughter for an abortion at 17 and I don’t know anything about it. She absolutely must tell her mother , she is just a child really. Unless her mother is a monster or a religious fanatic, she should be told. Go with her and help her tell her mother.

neilyoungismyhero · 13/02/2025 22:54

I had this situation many years ago. I said I would help my daughter's friend with the decision to abort- she was 17 - but I urged my daughter to advise her to tell her mother as any surgery is risky. In the end she did and Mum went with her. I couldn't see the poor girl with no adult support but fortunately it didn't come to that.

NiftyKoala · 13/02/2025 22:54

If my daughter didn't feel comfortable to let me help her I'd be glad my friend was there. I'd be sad but it's far more important to me that my daughter had a person she felt safe with to help.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:55

Mo, I'm not going to tell her mother and if it's the end of the friendship there's nothing I can do about that.

I will know in my heart that I helped her for the right reasons.

I've told her I will be with her every step of the way and that she's not alone and everything is going to be OK.

I will go with her to the appointment and booking scan and she can come to my house for the actual day she takes the medication.

It just feels so deceitful.m and that is what I'm struggling with.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 13/02/2025 22:57

Meltedcandlewax · 13/02/2025 22:53

I’m sorry I would be absolutely furious if someone else had taken my daughter for an abortion at 17 and I don’t know anything about it. She absolutely must tell her mother , she is just a child really. Unless her mother is a monster or a religious fanatic, she should be told. Go with her and help her tell her mother.

She has the legal right to medical privacy at 17. It's nobody's decision but hers - she gets to choose who knows and who supports her. If she doesn't feel she can go to her mother with this, then nobody has the right to override that.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:58

@Meltedcandlewax I understand. Thankfully my children can come to me about anything so I would never be in this position. But, you never know.

OP posts:
cerisierblossom · 13/02/2025 22:59

Meltedcandlewax · 13/02/2025 22:53

I’m sorry I would be absolutely furious if someone else had taken my daughter for an abortion at 17 and I don’t know anything about it. She absolutely must tell her mother , she is just a child really. Unless her mother is a monster or a religious fanatic, she should be told. Go with her and help her tell her mother.

People aged 16 and over can make decisions about their health care.

StormingNorman · 13/02/2025 23:03

You are doing exactly the right thing by helping your friend’s daughter. You can only encourage her to talk to her mum, but as you both seem to agree that now isn’t the best time perhaps you can consider telling her mum when she has recovered from the recent traumas. x

Bobbybobbins · 13/02/2025 23:05

You are doing the right thing. I had an abortion at 23 and never told any of my family. I feel glad that I was old enough to be able to manage the logistics on my own which is much harder at 17.

sprigatito · 13/02/2025 23:06

@Meltedcandlewax if one of mine felt they couldn't count on my support in this situation, I'd be asking myself some hard questions about why that was. Not stamping my feet at the person who stepped in to support them.

Nevertrustacop · 13/02/2025 23:07

I wouldn't help her. This is a decision she has to make on her own. She just has to. You can be absolutely sure no one will thank you for your help. I might check she knows who she might call, but no way would I do anything to arrange an abortion for her. She has to take full responsibility for this decision it's way too big to foist on someone else's Mum. And taking responsibility means making the call, getting herself there and looking after herself afterwards.
I have seen this before and the young woman has now convinced herself that she didn't ever want an abortion and the person she confided in, encouraged her to have one and she has been robbed of a baby. She is now very mentally ill Indeed.

Letsseeshallwe · 13/02/2025 23:08

Lentilweaver · 13/02/2025 22:28

Tough one. Is her mum pro life? Can you direct her to counselling?

It's not her mum's body.

Meltedcandlewax · 13/02/2025 23:09

Nevertrustacop · 13/02/2025 23:07

I wouldn't help her. This is a decision she has to make on her own. She just has to. You can be absolutely sure no one will thank you for your help. I might check she knows who she might call, but no way would I do anything to arrange an abortion for her. She has to take full responsibility for this decision it's way too big to foist on someone else's Mum. And taking responsibility means making the call, getting herself there and looking after herself afterwards.
I have seen this before and the young woman has now convinced herself that she didn't ever want an abortion and the person she confided in, encouraged her to have one and she has been robbed of a baby. She is now very mentally ill Indeed.

This was my thought. It’s a huge and very complex thing to be involved in, especially if you aren’t family and her mother doesn’t know.

BippidyBoppety · 13/02/2025 23:09

I think it's amazing she's got you, OP, that she can confide in. And that she trusts you.

WallaceinAnderland · 13/02/2025 23:10

Has she actually had a positive test result?

I'm with the majority here, it's up to her whether she gives her mum this information or not. All you can do is help and support her.

Lentilweaver · 13/02/2025 23:11

Letsseeshallwe · 13/02/2025 23:08

It's not her mum's body.

Show quote history

I am well aware. Just trying to find out why she wont tell her mum.
Which is why I suggested the counselling available.so she can access support.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:11

@Nevertrustacop I will mot be arranging an abortion. I will be making an appointment for her to talk to trained professionals about her options.

If she goes ahead with I certainly will not be letting her get herself there or look after herself afterwards.

OP posts:
purpleblue2 · 13/02/2025 23:12

Lollypop701 · 13/02/2025 22:34

If it were my daughter I’d want you to help her. No judgment from me

This!! What a brave young woman and she must see something in you to want your support and guidance s

showmethegin · 13/02/2025 23:12

Nevertrustacop · 13/02/2025 23:07

I wouldn't help her. This is a decision she has to make on her own. She just has to. You can be absolutely sure no one will thank you for your help. I might check she knows who she might call, but no way would I do anything to arrange an abortion for her. She has to take full responsibility for this decision it's way too big to foist on someone else's Mum. And taking responsibility means making the call, getting herself there and looking after herself afterwards.
I have seen this before and the young woman has now convinced herself that she didn't ever want an abortion and the person she confided in, encouraged her to have one and she has been robbed of a baby. She is now very mentally ill Indeed.

That's horrible. Why should she have to go through it alone? She isn't doing anything shameful. She's made a decision on what she wants to do about an unplanned pregnancy at an age she has every right to do so. Women and girls shouldn't be punished for accessing perfectly legal health care.

Sofrustratedwithmyself · 13/02/2025 23:13

Not sure if this is still the case but they told me I couldn’t have an abortion until 6 weeks. In the end the pregnancy came to a natural end at 5 weeks . Perhaps they don’t offer abortion until 6 weeks as so many pregnancies naturally end before 6 weeks . So it may turn out that she doesn’t need the abortion anyway if she’s only 2/3 weeks. I hope for her sake this is the case, but yes, I think it would be great to have your support through this.

I would want to know if it was my daughter, but I’m a supportive, non-judgemental mum and not going through trauma so it’s easy for me to say that.

good luck and nice that you have been there for her

Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:14

Her mother has a one year old child and is suffering from postnatal psychosis. She has been sectioned.

@WallaceinAnderland yes she had a positive test result.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 13/02/2025 23:15

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:11

@Nevertrustacop I will mot be arranging an abortion. I will be making an appointment for her to talk to trained professionals about her options.

If she goes ahead with I certainly will not be letting her get herself there or look after herself afterwards.

I'm glad you're not listening to that heartless "advice". As if she needs to go through it all completely alone in order for it to be her own decision 🙄

Most adult women going through a termination will have a trusted friend who knows what is happening and can support them through the decision-making, the procedure and the aftermath. Human beings do that. This girl has chosen the person she wants to trust with this, and there is nothing wrong at all in that.

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