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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughter of friend has approached me for help with an abortion

233 replies

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:27

She's 17, I've known her since she was a small child.

She's 2 to 3 weeks pregnant m, said she has just missed her period.

Can't tell her mum.

Of course I have told her she should, that nothing is as bad as it seems.

What a position to be in.

OP posts:
suki1964 · 14/02/2025 01:22

@BornSandyDevotional , may I kindly suggest you go take your meds, go do some yoga and get the fuck out of spouting your drivel ?

If you are a woman, you are one of the worse kind

@Geesgirl postpartum Psychosis is a serious thing, and it may be many months before mum is well enough to come home, and even then finding out about this may not be for the best, so Id not be worrying too much about keeping quiet about it

Do what you are planning on doing, be this young lasses support and friend

Im in the North of Ireland, used to live in London and 30 years ago, DH's ex wife ( Northern Irish ) was in the same boat - unwanted pregnancy - but of course NI was anti abortion so she had to come to England. I insisted that we lifted her from the airport, that she stayed with us and I went to the clinic with her. People said I was mad, I said Id not let a woman who had to make such a choice do so alone

I had been in the same boat myself 5 year previously ( long before medical abortions ) and I only had DH for support, who wasn't really happy with my choice . Id have loved to have had someone who understood , wasn't judging being by my side

Go ahead with a clear conscience.

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 01:24

Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 01:20

@ANiceBigCupOfTea thank God for the change in the law here or she'd have to travel.

She only needs to travel to Boots. Happy days!

BlondiePortz · 14/02/2025 01:24

It is her body her choice which is easy to say but if it all goes wrong or she changes her mind her mum will probably have to pick up the pieces/help raise the child till the daughter is old enough to be independent

Namechangean · 14/02/2025 01:26

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 01:22

This is fundamentally untrue in both the UK and Ireland. My mother, in her 80s now, was a Children's social worker for many years. Genuinely, lots of vulnerable children aren't picked up on because no one knows. But if mum's sectioned, it doesn't just happen that they all go down the pub and say: "it's alright. Crazy Maebh has been sectioned. But it's okay, mad eyed (fetal alcohol syndrome) moody Dougal and little Sinead are with their grandparents, sex worker Sharon and dodgy Dave. So that's fine." Understaffing is an issue. But please? A section doesn't just happen!

Show quote history

I’m a social worker

Ponderingwindow · 14/02/2025 01:28

thank you for helping her. Any girl would go to their mother if they could.

mine made it clear I would be on the streets if she ever found out I had an abortion.

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 01:28

suki1964 · 14/02/2025 01:22

@BornSandyDevotional , may I kindly suggest you go take your meds, go do some yoga and get the fuck out of spouting your drivel ?

If you are a woman, you are one of the worse kind

@Geesgirl postpartum Psychosis is a serious thing, and it may be many months before mum is well enough to come home, and even then finding out about this may not be for the best, so Id not be worrying too much about keeping quiet about it

Do what you are planning on doing, be this young lasses support and friend

Im in the North of Ireland, used to live in London and 30 years ago, DH's ex wife ( Northern Irish ) was in the same boat - unwanted pregnancy - but of course NI was anti abortion so she had to come to England. I insisted that we lifted her from the airport, that she stayed with us and I went to the clinic with her. People said I was mad, I said Id not let a woman who had to make such a choice do so alone

I had been in the same boat myself 5 year previously ( long before medical abortions ) and I only had DH for support, who wasn't really happy with my choice . Id have loved to have had someone who understood , wasn't judging being by my side

Go ahead with a clear conscience.

How am I the worst kind of woman, Suki? I'm actually pretty happy. What is it you're offended by?

I'm fairly boring really. Couple of capable kids. Husband I love.

Really bad back ache currently.

Which is why I'm struggling to sleep.

Yoga might help.

What is it with facts that your struggling with exactly?

Namechangean · 14/02/2025 01:29

Namechangean · 14/02/2025 01:26

I’m a social worker

Show quote history

A referral may be made but that doesn’t mean it will progress to whatever the Irish equivalent to child in need is. Like I said, 17 year old living with relatives isn’t a safeguarding issue

AngelicKaty · 14/02/2025 01:29

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 00:40

I'm calling bullshit on the whole thing, frankly. If you get pregnant at 17 - because you are somehow immune to information about contraception - and you want to have a baby, just have a baby. This is just an Irish traveller bashing thread.

Show quote history

Where on earth do you get the idea "this is just an Irish traveller bashing thread"? Literally NO-ONE has said anything about Irish travellers. 🙄

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 01:30

Namechangean · 14/02/2025 01:29

A referral may be made but that doesn’t mean it will progress to whatever the Irish equivalent to child in need is. Like I said, 17 year old living with relatives isn’t a safeguarding issue

Show quote history

No. It really is. Fact.

Namechangean · 14/02/2025 01:34

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 01:30

No. It really is. Fact.

Show quote history

17 year olds can legally move out of their parents house without consent. If they were homeless that would make them a child in need. This 17 year old isn’t homeless, they are not a child in need. Their mums health doesn’t automatically make them a child in need either.

lnks · 14/02/2025 01:35

I think the problem is that OP implied that SS didn’t even know.

considering there is also a 1 and 4 year old they would have been notified and at the very least they would have checked in with family.

OP has also ignored questions about the location of these children

showmethegin · 14/02/2025 19:00

I really have no idea what is going on here. A 17 year old girl is pregnant and no longer wants to be. Which is her right to decide. This has nothing to do with what anyone thinks an abortion is or what words people want to use to describe the current state of the embryo or foetus that is in her womb.

She has every right to make her own decision and thank goodness OP cares enough about her to support her.

I say this as someone who had her 5th miscarriage this week.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/02/2025 19:12

@inks not necessarily, being sectioned doesn’t happen in isolation but if there are family members who are able and willing to care for any children social work won’t be involved. In the UK the MHO would note the file but wouldn’t necessarily involved children’s services unless there was concern for the children, which there isn’t if they are with family.

Someone made reference to their 80 year old mother being a social worker, so retired 20+ years ago. In that time legislation and practice has changed massively to reduce public involvement in private family life unless there’s no other way to protect children. There would be no role for social work in this instance. Presumably the RoI equivalent of health visiting will be aware of the baby, if they have no concerns there’s no need for statutory services.

A 17 year old seeking a termination wouldn’t spark involvement from social work either, it’s not a safeguarding issue in and of itself.

SmileEachDay · 14/02/2025 20:12

OP - my best friend and I have children of a similar age. We often refer to the whole brood as “our children” and when we’re all together, we are interchangeable when the kiddos need something. When they were little, one or other of us would be referred to as “No, the other mummy” 😂😂

I have absolutely no doubt that if either of us couldn’t be there, the children would go to the “other mummy”. And if they did? The other would be glad they had.

You’re doing the right thing - hope she’s ok.

Lollypop701 · 14/02/2025 21:59

A young woman who has body autonomy is in the early stages of pregnancy. She doesn’t think she wants to continue. Her mum is sick and can’t support her. So she turns to a supportive figure in her life for help. The young woman is provided with the help and a hand hold during a very difficult time in her life to make her own decision… and a bloody hug, probably a bed for a few nights and a fucking huge bar of chocolate. Whatever SHE decides.

im a mother with a daughter and I’d be thankful she had the hug, the bed and the chocolate

PineappleCoconut · 14/02/2025 22:02

Lollypop701 · 13/02/2025 22:34

If it were my daughter I’d want you to help her. No judgment from me

Yup, this
Even looking at my 16 year old sitting next to me, if she didn't feel she could tell me, I'd want my or her friends to help her, without question

Thisisnotmyid · 14/02/2025 22:03

You’re doing the right thing by making the appointment and taking her. Although you know her mother you don’t really know their relationship and how she would really react to this.

As you say it’s her life and her body. Support her and give her guidance. Be the friend she sorely needs right now and will be forever grateful for.

AngelicKaty · 14/02/2025 22:07

@showmethegin I'm very sorry for your loss. 🙁

HorrorFan81 · 14/02/2025 22:09

My mum took my best friend to get an abortion at 17. Her mum never knew, my friend was always grateful. I would give her any help she asked for

crackernutted · 14/02/2025 22:25

She came to you because she knows you can help. You are doing the right thing. You are the person she needs. As long as you've encouraged her to tell her mom then you are covered. It's her choice. She obviously trusts you which must mean you are a good person.

There's no slight on her mom here, it sounds like she has enough to cope with at the moment. You are helping them both.

Lighteningstrikes · 14/02/2025 22:56

I really feel for you. Whatever happens, you’re an amazing woman, and she’s very lucky to have your full support. 💐

Lighteningstrikes · 14/02/2025 22:57

crackernutted · 14/02/2025 22:25

She came to you because she knows you can help. You are doing the right thing. You are the person she needs. As long as you've encouraged her to tell her mom then you are covered. It's her choice. She obviously trusts you which must mean you are a good person.

There's no slight on her mom here, it sounds like she has enough to cope with at the moment. You are helping them both.

Her mother has psychosis.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 14/02/2025 23:42

Lighteningstrikes · 14/02/2025 22:56

I really feel for you. Whatever happens, you’re an amazing woman, and she’s very lucky to have your full support. 💐

Agree

Valeriekat · 15/02/2025 12:10

cerisierblossom · 13/02/2025 22:30

Take her. No questions, no judgments, just a kind heart.

It's her body. Her choice.

You can either be someone that your daughter and her friends see as a safe space, or someone they see as hostile.

She can do it safely, in a medical setting with someone there to look after her, or she can do it illegally and risk her life.

Really? Are there still back street abortionists?

Valeriekat · 15/02/2025 12:15

You sound like a kind and practical person.