Daughter of friend has approached me for help with an abortion

[Geesgirl]

She's 17, I've known her since she was a small child.

She's 2 to 3 weeks pregnant m, said she has just missed her period.

Can't tell her mum.

Of course I have told her she should, that nothing is as bad as it seems.

What a position to be in.

This

@Geesgirl If you help her and she goes ahead, get her to stay with you for a few days after. Family member a few days after op had an infection and ended up in A&E.

Cool. Give her the contact details of BPAS. They're awesome. She will receive a very comprehensive service both mentally and physically. Offer practical support where possible. But no more. Poor girl! It's just an awful situation. It must be very difficult. I feel for you, genuinely. I was a bit rude previously. Sorry! It's terrible for her and not great for you. But BPAS definitely.

The counsellor the girl sees will tell her all her options (including keeping the baby).

I can only hope that if my daughters found themselves in this young woman’s situation that if they didn’t want to talk to me about it then they had someone like you their lives that they felt they could trust to support them through this.
My dds have a myriad of support around them but help comes in different shapes and sizes. She clearly feels she can trust you and for that she is truly lucky.
Good luck, I know you said you felt deceitful in some way but it sounds like her mum is not in a place where this news would be something she could help out with right now. You’re doing the right thing and putting her first.

I posted BEFORE OP updated about the.mum being sectioned. I am very much pro-choice and think the OP is doing the right thing here.

@Chuchoter yes, I have told her she has other options. I've also so told her she can stop this at any point if she changes her mind. I'm not encouraging her decision either way.

I'm hoping that as it sinks in she will be able to think more clearly and that she has time to do this. Nothing needs to happen today, tomorrow or next week.

You sound like a wonderful person.

I understand that people may feel it is overstepping. However - if you don't help her, I assume she will do it anyway but with no support from a "grown up" I'm glad she has you looking out for her

It's not a question of whether she's old enough to make her own choices. I don't agree or disagree with you on this, I think that a 17 year old girl needs guidance, not just support and comfort. I don't think you are the right person to give that guidance as you are not in loco parentis - unless you are?

My DD absolutely could and would come to either or both of her parents. But neither of us have been sectioned or are going through a psychotic period so the comparison doesn't apply. And is irrelevant anyway.

This isn't about abortions. It's about a potentially life-changing event in a child's life. That's for the parents or whoever is in that parental role to manage. Is that you?

@BornSandyDevotional I didn't think you were rude at all x

It's a very sensitive subject and I understand opinions from both sides I really do.

I'd give anything for my friend to be able to help her daughter herself and if she were well enough she absolutely would.

She's a beautiful person and a great mum.

If I were her mother and found out later I would be furious with you

Just to provide a counter opinion, if I were her mother, I would be very grateful.. Especially as you say there is no dad.

My kids have a couple of very trusted adults in their lives and while I’d hope my DD could come to me, I’d rather she was supported by someone in our circle than not at all.

@Friendofdennis I think if her mother were to find out she couldn't really understand what has happened.

She is almost completely gone.

@Lentilweaver I was this young girl once. I had no one.

I really don't understand how anyone can be 'anti-abortion'. I'm anti-miscarriage. Being 'anti-abortion' is the most misogynistic thing ever. Making women continue pregnancies they're unwilling to progress at a stage where no one knows if they're viable? What are you going to do? Strap women to beds? Send women to baby farms in Ireland again where the babies die anyway? Adoption isn't the panacea you might think it is either. And what happens to mum? I'm shocked to read that phrase, frankly. Ridiculous, archaic and wholly impractical.

if the mother is completely incapable as you suggest who is looking after the 4 and 1 year old? Or is it a stepparent she is not close to. Are there grandparents?
You are not in loco parentis. As a parent or a close relative who was taking care of someone I would be highly unimpressed that a random woman was taking my under age relative to make a life changing medical decision.

Why? It’s not your body.

@Jellycatspyjamas this has opened up a conversation with my ownnchildren about the trusted adults in their lives. Not just the adults they trust but the adults I would trust to have their best interests at heart.

@Geesgirl I've been that 17yr old frightened girl and I wish I'd had someone like you to confide in. Instead, I had to find out what to do, make the arrangements myself (with BPAS in Brighton) take a 1.5hr train ride down there, have the procedure, stay overnight and then train home again. I never told anyone and had to act as if everything was normal when I got home. It was the best life decision I ever made and I'm glad I kept it to myself. My mum went to her grave never knowing - why would I have told her when it would have caused her so much anguish (and she wasn't in mental health crisis like your friend).
I think the support you're giving this girl, when her mother clearly can't at this time, is incredibly kind - it's great that you're prepared to step up to help this girl when she must be so worried. Please remember that the "deceit" is necessary and is what the girl has requested - I'm sure you know that breaking her confidence would be unforgiveable. I wish you (and the girl) well with it. 🤗

@Onlyonekenobe no, legally it's not me. But she has chosen me and that's good enough.

Because my daughter at that
age would have been terrified and overwhelmed. I would have wanted to be there for her at such a time.

Can’t you see that this kind of attitude identifies you as exactly the type of a 17 year old can’t confide in?

@Angelchick1971 I also went to a clinic in Brighton. I will never forget it.