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Original poster

Daughter of friend has approached me for help with an abortion

233 replies

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:27

She's 17, I've known her since she was a small child.

She's 2 to 3 weeks pregnant m, said she has just missed her period.

Can't tell her mum.

Of course I have told her she should, that nothing is as bad as it seems.

What a position to be in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:19

@sprigatito that advice took my breath away to be honest.

Even if I was against abortion I would not let her get herself there or look after herself afterwards.

Having done it myself, I know exactly what she is going to go through and that is punishment in itself. Not that it needs punishment.

OP posts:
Changepassword · 13/02/2025 23:21

You take her and you keep her confidence if that's what she wants.

Myself, my friends and my SIL have had discussions over the years, our children are of similar ages (all within 4 years, now late teens, early twenties) we will all help out each others children if they ever need it, if they wish to keep it from their parents then that's what we'll do with no fall outs if it ever comes out.

Sometimes things are easier to discuss with someone slightly removed, the important thing is they have someone they trust to turn to for support, our children all know they have that support within our close circle with no judgement.

Ger1atricMillennial · 13/02/2025 23:21

Maybe as your own daughter went through this thats how she knows you won't judge.

What you have done is great so far and you can make the decision at every step.

Its a difficult position to be put in, but as her daughter is above 16 you have know legal obligations to disclose. She will probably find out at some stage where you can be prepared to understand any reaction she will give.

You are doing the right thing getting her to professionals.

Lentilweaver · 13/02/2025 23:21

Oh goodness, with your update I can see why you woudnt tell her mum.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:23

@Ger1atricMillennial she has no idea that my own daughter has been through the same thing. I would never disclose that to anyone in the real world. It's my daughters business only.

OP posts:
SchrodingersTwat2 · 13/02/2025 23:26

I can only think that everyone saying "get her to tell her mum" has a nice mum.

We're not all in that position.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:26

@Lentilweaver it's heartbreaking what has happened to my friend. She has a four year old also. She suffered depression after her birth which was never treated and the birth of her last child has affected her beyond belief.

I don't think my dear friend as I knew her will ever fully return to her former self.

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 13/02/2025 23:27

I wouldn't insist that she tells her mum (especially right now) but would ask that if she does decide to do so in the future, that she gives you a heads up that mum now knows.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:29

@BruceAndNosh I will cross that bridge if I ever come to it. For now I've told her we will take each step as it comes and deal with it.

I don't want her to think too far ahead and start to panic.

OP posts:
DevilledEgg · 13/02/2025 23:32

Thank you for being such an amazing friend to both her and her mother. We need more people like you

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/02/2025 23:32

Please help her. I was her many years ago.

Onlyonekenobe · 13/02/2025 23:32

Meltedcandlewax · 13/02/2025 22:53

I’m sorry I would be absolutely furious if someone else had taken my daughter for an abortion at 17 and I don’t know anything about it. She absolutely must tell her mother , she is just a child really. Unless her mother is a monster or a religious fanatic, she should be told. Go with her and help her tell her mother.

I agree with this. I'd be beyond furious with you for not telling me, even if it meant betraying my DD's confidence. She's 17yo ffs.

You say Mum has been sectioned. Is she now in a hospital setting? Can you call the facility and ask them whether Mum should be told about this, ie whether it's in her (Mum's) best interests at this point? Can you ask them if they have any guidance on how to deal with this situation? Where is the 17yo's father? Who is caring for the 1yo? Is the 17yo able to speak to that trusted adult? There's a lot to this. I think that taking on a parental role with this girl, without consultation with anyone else, is massively overstepping and, in my books, immoral.

To my mind this has nothing to do with abortions. It's about a potentially life-changing thing happening to a child.

Hankunamatata · 13/02/2025 23:33

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:14

Her mother has a one year old child and is suffering from postnatal psychosis. She has been sectioned.

@WallaceinAnderland yes she had a positive test result.

Well that does chnage things on telling her mum front. If mum is in hospital sectioned then there is no way that she can consult with her mum about this

Is there a dad about?

Meltedcandlewax · 13/02/2025 23:34

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:14

Her mother has a one year old child and is suffering from postnatal psychosis. She has been sectioned.

@WallaceinAnderland yes she had a positive test result.

That puts a completely different complexion on it. I think you’re doing the best thing in helping her access advice and counselling and then being there for her whatever she decides.

FrangipaniBlue · 13/02/2025 23:34

Lollypop701 · 13/02/2025 22:34

If it were my daughter I’d want you to help her. No judgment from me

Agreed.

Angelchick1971 · 13/02/2025 23:35

If she's come to you she doesn't want anyone else to know. It's not going to come out. Help her fgs. Good luck

Bonbon21 · 13/02/2025 23:36

I think you are doing the right thing, but would point out that you have given quite a lot of information about the girl s family. Maybe ask for this post to be pulled?

Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:36

@Hankunamatata dad is not around m.

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 13/02/2025 23:36

Lentilweaver · 13/02/2025 23:11

I am well aware. Just trying to find out why she wont tell her mum.
Which is why I suggested the counselling available.so she can access support.

Show quote history

Please read ALL of OP's posts - she's explained why the girl doesn't want to tell her mother.

BornSandyDevotional · 13/02/2025 23:37

She needs to talk to BPAS. Just Google it. If you can't keep a confidence, tell her. It's not actually about you?

Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:37

@Bonbon21 I am a longtime user of mumsnet and I have changed some details.

OP posts:
Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:39

@Hankunamatata her father has passed.

OP posts:
Carnation25 · 13/02/2025 23:41

Lollypop701 · 13/02/2025 22:34

If it were my daughter I’d want you to help her. No judgment from me

Totally agree

Original poster
Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:41

@Onlyonekenobe as she is old enough to make her own choices I don't agree with some of your points.

I would also wonder why your own daughter couldn't approach you and feel quite sorry for you both.

OP posts:
Chuchoter · 13/02/2025 23:42

I'm anti abortion so I would give her information on all of her options so she didn't feel that abortion was her only way out of an unwanted pregnancy.

I would also tell her mother because it's h likely that the 17 will be able to keep it a secret and will blurt it out that she confided in me, which would ruin the friendship.

Keeping secrets of something so major would be very wrong.