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Original poster

Daughter of friend has approached me for help with an abortion

233 replies

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:27

She's 17, I've known her since she was a small child.

She's 2 to 3 weeks pregnant m, said she has just missed her period.

Can't tell her mum.

Of course I have told her she should, that nothing is as bad as it seems.

What a position to be in.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 14/02/2025 00:22

You are doing the right thing OP.

Also maybe encourage her to talk to the medics about contraception for the future. Or have a chat yourself about it.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:23

@BornSandyDevotional maybe that's the response in th UK, we are not in the UK. I've been told what her family have wanted to tell me about my friends situation and I'm happy with that. Just because we are long term friends it doesn't give me the right to know anything.

OP posts:
boymumsurrey · 14/02/2025 00:24

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:27

She's 17, I've known her since she was a small child.

She's 2 to 3 weeks pregnant m, said she has just missed her period.

Can't tell her mum.

Of course I have told her she should, that nothing is as bad as it seems.

What a position to be in.

Just wanted to say I think it’s wonderful she has you, what a horrid situation for her, bless her, going through so much with her mum. My mother was terribly ill in my childhood I realise now and I would have loved to have someone to look out for me like you! Well done you!

user1492757084 · 14/02/2025 00:25

You are doing the right thing, Op, in putting your friend's daughter in touch with professionals and in being her support.

Whichever way she chooses it seems that her mother has not been there for her to discuss contraception and a lot of usual teenage concerns due to exceptional circumstances beyond her control..

Make sure the young woman remains in contact with professional and medical support - for many years.
She is also coping with her mother's illness and the upsetting turmoil of her younger siblings.
She is a young woman in crisis. I can't fathom how she manages.

Pallisers · 14/02/2025 00:25

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 00:19

Then you need to ensure a social worker is involved. I'm not sure you've had the full story. Mum being sectioned would automatically trigger a MASH response. Someone is lying here. She will get appropriate advice from BPAS.

Show quote history

So a 17 year old missed a period. She has 9 weeks (well 6 realistically) to get an over the counter pill to end her unwanted pregnancy. And because her mother is sectioned you want the OP to wait until a social worker gets involved??? are you serious? How quick do you think that will happen? If she maintains her reasonable position that at 17 she wants to terminate her very very early pregnancy now she will have to terminate a much later pregnancy.

If you think the OP is making this up, report or don't reply. But anyone who is responding in good faith, I cannot understand why a social worker has to be involved for a 17 year old competent woman to have an early termination? It is bonkers.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:26

@Pallisers yes, I've told her about contraception afterwards and that they will go through everything with her.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 14/02/2025 00:27

PassingStranger · 14/02/2025 00:21

What about the father?
Has she any help/input from him.

he isn't a father. He is the boy who impregnated her and caused her to miss a period.

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/02/2025 00:28

I would take her for an abortion, no questions asked.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2025 00:29

@Geesgirl

It sounds to me as if her mother is in no condition to deal with this in a rational manner AND that it's quite possible this might cause a setback in her recovery. You are doing the absolute right thing. If the time comes that she finds out and is in the right place mentally, I think she'll understand. She may not like it, but I think she'll understand that she was not in a place to deal with this herself. And if not, in the end you made the decision that felt right to you.

I did this for a cousin. I was in my 20s, she was 16. Her parents (both religious) would never have agreed to a termination both on religious grounds as well as 'you made your bed etc etc'. She never told her mother and why would she? It was water under the bridge. It's been 30+ years and my cousin has had a great life, raised a family, and is now retired. There are absolutely no regrets.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:29

@BornSandyDevotional I don't know why you think anyone is lying. Who is lying exactly. Her brother is in his twenties m, he is caring for her along with grandparents.

I imagine if a social worker was to be involved the family would have told them to fuck off. They are adults so there is n9 need for social workers.

OP posts:
Onlyonekenobe · 14/02/2025 00:30

Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:00

@Onlyonekenobe no, legally it's not me. But she has chosen me and that's good enough.

That's a very bold decision on your part. When your friend is better, will you be framing this as "this is what she wanted, she'd made her mind up, I just didn't want her to go through it alone"?

user1492757084 · 14/02/2025 00:30

The young woman's living arrangement is a huge worry to me too. She lives with close family but I imagine she is also supporting some family members while her mother is overwhelmed. She has too much going on. Does she have too much going on to fully consider her situation and her own needs? I'm so glad she will receive counselling.

Ger1atricMillennial · 14/02/2025 00:30

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:23

@Ger1atricMillennial she has no idea that my own daughter has been through the same thing. I would never disclose that to anyone in the real world. It's my daughters business only.

Of course not but your daughter might have told her, so she knows you are sound

Pallisers · 14/02/2025 00:31

Anti-Irish Traveller nonsense?? Where did that come from???

I am Irish by the way.

PassingStranger · 14/02/2025 00:31

Pallisers · 14/02/2025 00:27

he isn't a father. He is the boy who impregnated her and caused her to miss a period.

Show quote history

Not sure I understand that?
He is the baby's father is he not?

Pallisers · 14/02/2025 00:31

Onlyonekenobe · 14/02/2025 00:30

That's a very bold decision on your part. When your friend is better, will you be framing this as "this is what she wanted, she'd made her mind up, I just didn't want her to go through it alone"?

Show quote history

She isn't "framing it" as this. It IS this.

Thunderpants88 · 14/02/2025 00:32

I would have a different opinion. She’s old enough to have sex. She is old enough to sort out her own termination. Why do you need to be booking appointments FOR her. She can use a phone

Pallisers · 14/02/2025 00:32

PassingStranger · 14/02/2025 00:31

Not sure I understand that?
He is the baby's father is he not?

Show quote history

There is no baby.

Fraaances · 14/02/2025 00:32

This young lady is so lucky to have someone like you to turn to. I was that girl once too. I wish I had had someone like you in my life at the time, but went through it alone and terrified. For what it’s worth, I have no regrets. I have discussed it with my three kids (age appropriate of course) who are all young adults now, and they have always known they can come to me or speak to our trusted GP (no UK/NHS) if they would feel more comfortable, and I would pay - no questions asked. Luckily this hasn’t happened for them, but I have been the supportive adult for a friend of my DD after she had an abortion and couldn’t speak to her family either. I have also helped facilitate appointments at an STD clinic and family planning appointment for a post-op check up for her and contraception advice for other friends of theirs. My house is a safe house for all of them if they want a meal, clean clothes and a warm bed or just a hug. I’m grateful that my kids are safe and they trust me not to be an a-hole with these things.

Namechangean · 14/02/2025 00:33

Onlyonekenobe · 13/02/2025 23:32

I agree with this. I'd be beyond furious with you for not telling me, even if it meant betraying my DD's confidence. She's 17yo ffs.

You say Mum has been sectioned. Is she now in a hospital setting? Can you call the facility and ask them whether Mum should be told about this, ie whether it's in her (Mum's) best interests at this point? Can you ask them if they have any guidance on how to deal with this situation? Where is the 17yo's father? Who is caring for the 1yo? Is the 17yo able to speak to that trusted adult? There's a lot to this. I think that taking on a parental role with this girl, without consultation with anyone else, is massively overstepping and, in my books, immoral.

To my mind this has nothing to do with abortions. It's about a potentially life-changing thing happening to a child.

Show quote history

It would be immoral to betray her confidence. She’s 17, she has every right to privacy

TheSquareMile · 14/02/2025 00:34

Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:17

@slippersandfleece we are in Republic of Ireland

I'm wondering what the most helpful thing would be in the circumstances, OP.

I would suggest letting her know that she can borrow your phone to speak to the IFPA.

https://www.ifpa.ie/get-care/abortion/

Once the clinic appointment is made, could you go with her and then have her to stay with you for a couple of days so that she can take the prescribed medication?

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 00:34

Pallisers · 14/02/2025 00:25

So a 17 year old missed a period. She has 9 weeks (well 6 realistically) to get an over the counter pill to end her unwanted pregnancy. And because her mother is sectioned you want the OP to wait until a social worker gets involved??? are you serious? How quick do you think that will happen? If she maintains her reasonable position that at 17 she wants to terminate her very very early pregnancy now she will have to terminate a much later pregnancy.

If you think the OP is making this up, report or don't reply. But anyone who is responding in good faith, I cannot understand why a social worker has to be involved for a 17 year old competent woman to have an early termination? It is bonkers.

Show quote history

If it's a chemical abortion of a tiny cluster of cells and the young woman needs someone to take her to Boots, take the kid to Boots. Why the epic emotional stuff? Just so, so weird.

Onlyonekenobe · 14/02/2025 00:35

@Mirabai

Can’t you see that this kind of attitude identifies you as exactly the type of a 17 year old can’t confide in?

With respect: you have no idea what you're talking about, nor what my family has been through. You're trying to demonstrate your feminists or pro-choice or whatever type of parenting props with this comment, but in this instance you've deeply insulted someone you know nothing about. A little circumspection would be appropriate imo.

PandaTime · 14/02/2025 00:37

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 00:34

If it's a chemical abortion of a tiny cluster of cells and the young woman needs someone to take her to Boots, take the kid to Boots. Why the epic emotional stuff? Just so, so weird.

Show quote history

Boots doesn't do abortions. Are you thinking of the MAP? That doesn't work three weeks after conception.