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Original poster

Daughter of friend has approached me for help with an abortion

233 replies

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:27

She's 17, I've known her since she was a small child.

She's 2 to 3 weeks pregnant m, said she has just missed her period.

Can't tell her mum.

Of course I have told her she should, that nothing is as bad as it seems.

What a position to be in.

OP posts:

Lentilweaver · 13/02/2025 22:28

Tough one. Is her mum pro life? Can you direct her to counselling?

cerisierblossom · 13/02/2025 22:30

Take her. No questions, no judgments, just a kind heart.

It's her body. Her choice.

You can either be someone that your daughter and her friends see as a safe space, or someone they see as hostile.

She can do it safely, in a medical setting with someone there to look after her, or she can do it illegally and risk her life.

NormasArse · 13/02/2025 22:31

I think you have to encourage her to tell her mum.

Lollypop701 · 13/02/2025 22:34

If it were my daughter I’d want you to help her. No judgment from me

Speedweed · 13/02/2025 22:35

I would support her and help her through it but encourage her to tell her mum (even offer to be there for the conversation) whether now or in future. It's a momentous event at that age, and if she has a good relationship with her mum,her mum might be upset but equally will want to help.

However, if she elects not to say anything, I'd accept that and help her through it.

PaperAeroplane · 13/02/2025 22:35

Lollypop701 · 13/02/2025 22:34

If it were my daughter I’d want you to help her. No judgment from me

So would I.

Sometimeswinning · 13/02/2025 22:36

Lollypop701 · 13/02/2025 22:34

If it were my daughter I’d want you to help her. No judgment from me

This all over!

wordywitch · 13/02/2025 22:36

Help her look for an abortion clinic and book an appointment. MSI, BPAS or NUPAS. She doesn’t have to tell her mum if she doesn’t want to. Just be there for her.

merrymelodies · 13/02/2025 22:37

I would help her too. Bad enough to be saddled with a mum who she can't confide in!

Jollyjoy · 13/02/2025 22:37

I'd really struggle with this in your position. She's still a kid really. If I were her mum I'd want to know.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 13/02/2025 22:37

Lollypop701 · 13/02/2025 22:34

If it were my daughter I’d want you to help her. No judgment from me

Me too. I'd be sad my daughter felt she couldn't tell me, but I would be very glad someone had helped and supported her. Her body, her choice, she doesn't owe anyone that knowledge and she shouldn't be judged for what she's choosing to do or who she's choosing to tell.

Original poster

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:37

Her mother, I'm not sure. We've been great friends for years but it's nothing we have ever discussed.

I'm making an appointment for her tomorrow to talk through her options, counselling will be offered at this stage and they'll want to ensure that she is not being coerced in any way.

My thinking is that it's her body, her choice. My only problem is really that I'm massively overstepping and risking the friendship with her mum.

Her mum is not in a good place at the moment and I don't think the daughter would be treated with kindness.

How she is treated during and after this will stay with her for the rest of her life.

My own 17 year old daughter is her friend and I have also been through this with her.

I had a thread on here at the time but it got pulled.

OP posts:

cinnamonbunfight · 13/02/2025 22:37

Oh my god just help her! It’s up to her if she tells her mum.

Notgivenuphope · 13/02/2025 22:39

Her mum is not in a good place at the moment and I don't think the daughter would be treated with kindness.

The priority is the girl, not the mother or your friendship. She is a vulnerable teenager, yet of age, so needs support and kindness. Just as you would want your daughter treated if for whatever reason you were unable to do so.
Support the girl's wishes

LizzieSiddal · 13/02/2025 22:40

I know someone who helped a 17 yo have an abortion and was glad the girl was able to ask for help because her mum was awful and she could never have told her. I only found out later on but if the girl had come to me, I would have helped her too.

AltitudeCheck · 13/02/2025 22:41

How wonderful that she feels able to approach you when things with her mum aren't great. I hope you can support her. It's the right thing to do, even if it risks your friendship, the difference it will make to her would be worth it.

Original poster

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:42

She can confide in her mother but she has suffered two recent traumas recently and I just don't think she's able for another.

I have always told her and her siblings that they can come to me for anything. This was said again recently after her mother suffered a second massive traumatic event in her life.

OP posts:

WhereAreWeNow · 13/02/2025 22:44

I think you have to help her but do encourage her to tell her mum. I can't imagine my DD going to one of my friends rather than me - I'd be devastated she couldn't confide in me - but I'd want the friend to help her, with lots of love and kindness.

Original poster

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:45

To answer a previous poster, I have encouraged her to tell her mum, I offered to be there or to tell her mum for her. She is terrified.

I've also told her I will make an appointment for her in the morning and that she can think about it while we are waiting.

We only have 9 weeks here for a non surgical termination.

OP posts:

IdaPrentice · 13/02/2025 22:45

"Her mum is not in a good place at the moment and I don't think the daughter would be treated with kindness."

I think this is key, and means you should do exactly what you say you are - support the girl to get advice from professionals.

AcquadiP · 13/02/2025 22:46

No doubt there are reasons why she feels she can't tell her mum but she feels comfortable turning to you for support. It's an awful situation for both of you to be in but a big compliment to you at the same time.

Sodthesystem · 13/02/2025 22:46

Tbf I wouldn't want to tell my mum either.
Imagine someone who will always be around, knowing your whole life, that you had an abortion. No thanks.

She's gone to you for support. Have her back at the appointments and listen to her.

Even if her mum is supportive, it's still valid that she doesn't want her to know.

Achyarms · 13/02/2025 22:46

I would help her and let her decide if she wants to tell her mum. It’s not up to you to make her tell her mum or do it for her.

Shitlord · 13/02/2025 22:47

You're doing the right thing. I understand your concerns but you've no duty to disclose this to her mum, or to encourage her too, she's old enough to legally have sex and seek abortion. Your support and discretion will be valued especially if her mum isn't well in herself currently. I'd ask her whether she plans to discuss it with DM so you've covered it and given her the option of your support in that regard, but not labour the point further.

I couldn't speak to my mother about abortion when I was younger as I knew it would be common knowledge by teatime and I've always been a private person. Some mothers can't be confided in.

FedupMumof10YearOld · 13/02/2025 22:49

Take her. No questions. No judgment. It's the only option.

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