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Original poster

Daughter of friend has approached me for help with an abortion

233 replies

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:27

She's 17, I've known her since she was a small child.

She's 2 to 3 weeks pregnant m, said she has just missed her period.

Can't tell her mum.

Of course I have told her she should, that nothing is as bad as it seems.

What a position to be in.

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 14/02/2025 00:02

Meltedcandlewax · 13/02/2025 22:53

I’m sorry I would be absolutely furious if someone else had taken my daughter for an abortion at 17 and I don’t know anything about it. She absolutely must tell her mother , she is just a child really. Unless her mother is a monster or a religious fanatic, she should be told. Go with her and help her tell her mother.

No. She really must? Nonsense. There is nothing this young woman ‘must’ do, and certainly nothing she must do with her private medical information.

You’d be furious?

There are some extraordinarily self-centred women on this thread.

Pallisers · 14/02/2025 00:03

She is 2 or 3 weeks pregnant. Basically she missed a period. I don't care how anti-abortion someone is, women have been "bringing on their period" for millennia - and no one called it an abortion.

OP this is such a tough situation for you but I think you need to prioritise the needs of a 17 year old - who is old enough to make her own medical decisions and young enough to need an adult who isn't dealing with her own trauma to accompany her and support her.

All you will be doing is supporting her to make the decision she wants.

In this situation if my friend found out later and fell out with me - well I'd take that risk. I wouldn't take the risk of a 17 year old being emotionally unsupported while trying to deal with an unwanted pregnancy - fuck it a missed period.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:04

@Meltedcandlewax if you can recognise that then I think you can understand why I want to help her.

I would absolutely help anyone if i could.

OP posts:
Joulesdog · 14/02/2025 00:04

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:14

Her mother has a one year old child and is suffering from postnatal psychosis. She has been sectioned.

@WallaceinAnderland yes she had a positive test result.

Holy shit that's a hell of a drip feed

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2025 00:05

I'm glad she has you. She must be terrified especially having watched her mother become ill with postpartum psychosis and be sectioned. It puts a whole new scary angle on pregnancy and babies. I hope she can get counselling after too - no matter what she decides as sounds like she has had a lot to deal with

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 00:05

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 23:53

@Friendofdennis I think if her mother were to find out she couldn't really understand what has happened.

She is almost completely gone.

That's so sad. And really hard for you. She's only 17 so presumably she's accommodated somewhere and has a social worker? I would start by telling her that if she doesn't talk to her social worker, you'll have to? My eldest's friend in 6th form was in supported accommodation from 16. I had to have a one-to-one with her social worker when I had her cat sit for two nights. Talk to her social worker and sign post BPAS. Remember that while it is very fucked up, it's not your fuck up. Concentrate on your own daughter. Edited because really poor at acronyms.

TiredCatLady · 14/02/2025 00:05

OP, I’m so glad you’re there for her. Please don’t heed the judgey people. Sadly, not everyone can go to their mum and it sounds like there is a lot going on and mum isn’t in an ok place.
Shes reached out to you and, again, I’m so glad she was able to. You don’t need to tell anyone. Just be there for her and thank you for being you.

Mirabai · 14/02/2025 00:06

My DD is 16, if she did not feel like she could come to me, (and clearly this girl’s her DM is in no fit state to deal with this now), I would be glad if she felt she could turn to a friend of mine to help.

I have always told my kids they can tell me anything, but that if they have something they don’t want to tell me then to turn to other adult friends/relations - don’t go through it on their own or muddle through with teenage advice.

For me it would be far more of a potential dealbreaker if my friend refused to help my DD.

PandaTime · 14/02/2025 00:06

It is not deceitful. This girl is not the property of her mother. She's her own person. Your friend has no right to know her daughter's medical information which means you're not keeping something from her. It's not hers to know.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:07

@Joulesdog it was not intended to be that. If a 17 year old can't get help and support from their mother then they just can't and that's the end of that. I hope that doesn't sound rude.

OP posts:
LardoBurrows · 14/02/2025 00:07

Friendofdennis · 13/02/2025 23:50

If I were her mother and found out later I would be furious with you

I, on the other hand would be so grateful that you were there for my daughter, when I wasn't well enough to be.

I had a termination in my early twenties without telling my parents and would have been so glad to have had someone to confide in and offer me support. I didn't feel able to tell my parents because we had suffered a terrible family bereavement and I didn't want to add to their grief, plus I knew my father would have been very judgmental. I had to do everything on my own and in total secrecy and it was hard. I'm glad this young woman has someone she feels able to confide in who will support her emotionally and practically.

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2025 00:07

Friendofdennis · 13/02/2025 23:50

If I were her mother and found out later I would be furious with you

Yeah because the mum is in a fit state of mind suffering from psychosis and being sectioned to deal with this - get a grip

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2025 00:09

It's actually quite frighting how many women have secret abortions. At uni 20 years ago at least half the girls i knew had had secret abortion s hidden from their families

TheSquareMile · 14/02/2025 00:10

Geesgirl · 13/02/2025 22:45

To answer a previous poster, I have encouraged her to tell her mum, I offered to be there or to tell her mum for her. She is terrified.

I've also told her I will make an appointment for her in the morning and that she can think about it while we are waiting.

We only have 9 weeks here for a non surgical termination.

Which country are you in, OP?

Pallisers · 14/02/2025 00:10

She's only 17 so presumably she's accommodated somewhere and has a social worker? I would start by telling her that if she doesn't talk to her social worker, you'll have to?

A 17 year old is competent to make her own medical decisions. Why does she need to talk to her (possibly mythical) social worker? If the 17 year old wanted to go on the pill and asked for advice on best pills from OP should the OP tell her to contact her social worker?

OP, just help this young woman. You aren't going to be making any decisions. Just help her get to places where she can work with medical staff to make the decision she wants to make.

Original poster
Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:12

@BornSandyDevotional there are n9 social workers involved. She is being cared for by her older brother and grandparents. They are very religious and no way could she go to them.

I concentrate on my own daughter just fine, both of them in fact.

I have wonderful relationships with my own children.

OP posts:
BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 00:13

Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:07

@Joulesdog it was not intended to be that. If a 17 year old can't get help and support from their mother then they just can't and that's the end of that. I hope that doesn't sound rude.

She will have a social worker, though. Do support but don't make it about you. I'm sure it's a burden. But just signpost advice and tell her, openly, that you need to reach out in the interests of giving her the best opportunities. She needs greater support and practical advice that you are able to provide. Poor, poor girl. It's heartbreaking. And I'm so sorry 😔

Original poster
Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:15

@Pallisers that is exactly what I'm going to do and I'm going to hold her hand and hug her tight as I do it.

I'm only doing what the professionals would be doing but with hugs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:16

@Pallisers that is exactly what I'm going to do and I'm going to hold her hand and hug her tight as I do it.

I'm only doing what the professionals would be doing but with hugs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:17

@slippersandfleece we are in Republic of Ireland

OP posts:
BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 00:19

Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:12

@BornSandyDevotional there are n9 social workers involved. She is being cared for by her older brother and grandparents. They are very religious and no way could she go to them.

I concentrate on my own daughter just fine, both of them in fact.

I have wonderful relationships with my own children.

Then you need to ensure a social worker is involved. I'm not sure you've had the full story. Mum being sectioned would automatically trigger a MASH response. Someone is lying here. She will get appropriate advice from BPAS.

Jesusisking23 · 14/02/2025 00:19

NormasArse · 13/02/2025 22:31

I think you have to encourage her to tell her mum.

No you don’t she’s 17!

Original poster
Geesgirl · 14/02/2025 00:20

@BornSandyDevotional there is n9 social worker and I'm certainly not making this about me.

I have simply said I feel deceitful, that is saying how I feel. There's nothing I can do about that. She has asked me not to say anything and I won't be breaking her confidence.

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 14/02/2025 00:21

What about the father?
Has she any help/input from him.

BornSandyDevotional · 14/02/2025 00:21

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