Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Wow, of course YANBU. It’s completely awful and of course you’re confused and hurt.

Fucking hell that was mean of them.

That sounds really hurtful. Why didn't your mum say something?

What's the history with you and your siblings? Is one the favourite? Any trouble previously?

I agree that your brothers response was guilt or he was just ready for an argument as he knew he was wrong. I don't think a response exists that he wouldn't have picked up on because he knew he should have invited you.

So very hurtful.

That’s incredibly unkind. It’s incredibly unkind to ignore one member of the family, if it was just parents you would understand. But other siblings were invited.

There clearly is something more at play and this wasn’t an accidental’forgot to invite’ because why didn’t your mum or brother even mention it. They’ve deliberately kept you in the dark. Do you do a lot for them? Are they used to you just putting up with their selfish behaviour? And the cheek of your brother to say ‘sounds a bit clipped’ when he knew that was a bombshell. Arrogant bastard.

Omg, just the first few replies, and I am in tears that I'm not overreacting. I spent that whole day crying, on and off, and the whole thing has made me feel like a right sap about it all.

My mum minimised my feelings, because that's what she does. She's in her 70s, she's not going to change now! She just insists that nobody thought it would matter to me and that she doesn't really understand why I'm upset.

I feel fucking gaslit by the whole lot of them tbh.

Anyone would be devastated by that, I can't understand how someone could treat a loved one that way. Do they have form for blaming and excluding you?

I'm the oldest of 3, and my brother is the youngest.

My sister demands more attention because she has some physical and mental health issues.

I live 150 miles away, and have done for the last 20 years. Part of choosing to move away was because I always felt like less than the other two.

But you know, I'm in my 50s, life is short, blah blah. But I feel like I can't forgive this.

That is so hurtful, especially as the brides brother and your sister were invited.
Your mum and sister knew, obviously dressed up etc and no one mentioned anything about it to you. Would they have even said anything if your stepfather hadn’t let the cat out of the bag?
I think I would be telling all of them ( separately) how upset you are that they have all colluded in this. I’d want a lot of apology before I’d even consider moving on from this. They all knew . Your brother could have said beforehand that there was going to be to be a small registry office affair but that you weren’t invited because ..( why?)
He knew you’d be upset, that’s why he didn’t say anything, they knew you’d be upset and thought ..well who knows, they really need to explain that.

You are most definitely NBU, your mum didn't mention this was happening,, there must have been a conversation re you not being invited, I'd be very hurt and I'd let all concerned know why.💐

Holy shit, I would be beyond hurt by this! YANBU in the slightest.

How is your brother difficult?
I would want to get to the bottom of why he didn’t feel the need to invite you. And to casually send you pics of the day? I don’t get it.

It was either mean or just pig ignorant of him not to invite you. Playing devil's advocate (I'm stretching here), maybe he thought you wouldn't mind (so long as you are going to the actual wedding (if you are?)).

Definitely yanbu OP.

You aren’t wrong to be upset and your message wasn’t chipping, he was ready for a fight so went straight for it. (I bet a comment had been made about you not being there and he better speak to you because you’d be upset etc so he was primed for you to be upset.)

Leave it for now, don’t reach out to any of them. Take some time to watch their reactions and if they try to blame you for being upset rather than acknowledging they did something upsetting and need to own it. I’m not sure I could go to his fake wedding. (And because I’m a petty cow, I’d call it his fake wedding and party, that you weren’t invited to the real wedding.)

That’s really hurtful, I would be beyond upset. I do have a tendency to blow things up at of proportion but think on this occasion I would never be able to forgive them.

I would draw up the draw bridge and be unavailable for a while see what happens. If there isn’t a very good reason that comes to light I would let them get on with it and refuse to show them the hurt.

my mum had a saying “ dignity at all times “ and this is a prime example of when you need to do just that. No comments but be unavailable to them all.

All of your points are things that I have been over and over in my mind for the last few weeks.

My mum will tell me stuff about her hairdresser's cousin that I've never heard of - but she didn't mention this??? Why? Because I suspect they were all keeping it from me, and I have no clue why!

That's very hurtful to be left out op 💔 you are definitely not over reacting

Apparently that's what they all thought!
But if any of them knew me, a TINY LITTLE BIT, they would know that this would cut me deep. How wouldn't it?

Your mum may have kept it from you for practical reasons- many registary offices have limited numbers for each room. From what you’ve said, they had 6 guests in total, more than that may have required a bigger, more expensive room. It could be they wanted the same numbers from each side.

But keeping it from you and then just telling you with no explanation is not ok.

It was your brother’s wedding, and it seems you’re focused on your mum’s role. He is the one who did not invite you and then proceeded to ignore you after you expressed your rightful disappointment.

That's awful. I'd be in pieces too. Even a non-invite would have been better - 'we're doing this but we didn't invite you because x'

In all honesty, I feel like telling him to stick his wedding up his arse. But this is the stuff that feuds to the death are made of - and it really upsets my mum if any of us fall out. I get that, I have kids of my own.

But we don't fall out, just the general sibling bickering. We love each other. But I am feeling really fucking unloved about this, and I don't think I can get over it.

This is not what I'm like generally, not at all. I am the peacemaker and the smoother. But not this time.

So are you due to go to the actual wedding then OP?

That would’ve been like a knife through my heart OP 🥲

In which case, I would have gone and waited outside. I would have moved heaven and earth to be there. And I can't understand why they wouldn't know that.

I wouldn't now go to the "wedding" that's being held abroad. I wouldn't even mention it again, I would treat it that he's had his wedding and you weren't invited. Why should you spend money, use up holiday allowance etc on going to another country when you weren't invited to the real wedding that was held here. You are close family, it's appalling that you weren't invited and all your family kept it a secret from you then rubbed it in your face.