Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Complete shits the lot of them ! I have a large family and if any of them did that to me that would be the end. Unforgivable in my view, I feel the hurt you have just thinking about it. Having said that only you can decide if you can forgive and forget .

Reactive abuse is a very intensive term.

When my older friends son married quietly, 2 hours away from where he grew up, my friend and her family were stunned.
Her parents and sister and husband were the only people there.
Apparently she is shy and didn't want attention on her.
My friend told her son that they were very disappointed and was made to feel very unreasonable by her son, so she said no more.

Fast forward 5 years and he got a good academic job local to where he grew up and bought a home nearby his family home.

Within months they were pregnant.
Her parents are very involved in her sisters children and apparently she complained the road only goes one way since they moved.

He was stunned when they called to tell them that they were to have a grandchild and would need help with childcare.
He was very kindly and firmly put in his place, that his mother was far too busy to be involved in any childcare and not to factor her in at all.

She is another very kind woman who will not ever forget how easily her son treated his family, likewise her two daughters who have little beyond polite interest.

As far as they are all concerned if he had remained living near his inlaws, they wouldn't see or hear from him, so they have zero intention in making any great space for him in their lives.
He was gone a decade and didn't bother with them or their parents.

He has a two year old and another on the way, life is very busy for them, as it is for my friend who is enjoying her retirement.

She has helped out, once or twice, very briefly when they were stuck, but they are left to get on with it.

I'm rooting for you OP. I really hope you get some kind of peaceful resolution or some way of moving on from all of this.
I am the enraged daughter in your story, as my mother was put in the exact same position by her family (mainly her sister and her sister's family, but the most of the rest of them stayed out of it when they could have stood up for her and the mistreatment she suffered.
too many details to share and I don't want to out myself but she chose to go to the wedding, under horrendous circumstances and following horrible abuse and bullying by her sister and sister's family. She thought she was damned if she did and damned if she didn't and didn't want to give them any reason to say she'd done something wrong by not going.
It was extremely stressful for her. She plastered on a smile and pretended everything was ok but doesn't have any memory of what the bride wore or anything as she was just focused on getting through the day. Needless to say, they've never apologised or acknowledged that they've done anything wrong and still act like they are the victim. Classic golden child/scapegoat scenario.

My mam, meanwhile has distanced herself emotionally from them and no longer thinks she is somehow second best or 'less than', she finally sees that they are the problem and there's nothing she can do about it. She's become more self confident as a result but is still saddened by the whole thing (and I'm still enraged, I'm actually shaking a bit writing this! I probably need therapy! :-)

There seems to be so many people in similar situations.

I hope my post didn't sound too negative. Ultimately you are better off knowing the truth about your family and your relationship to them and will be able to move on in light of the new circumstances, whatever they may be. An honest conversation with your brother will shed light on what the relationship is. You will be a stronger person no matter what happens.

"Silly"?

...more like spiteful, hurtful, controlling, ignorant, etc. .....and all "Deliberate".....

Absolutely this, take a huge step back from everyone. I suspect the silence is from embarrassment at what he's done. I would be so hurt and 100% YANBU.

Plus another sibling from the other side of the family was present.

If it had just been the brother and his now wife at the registry office with only two witnesses, then, yes, it would be silly. However, this was not the case here. The OP was the only close family member not invited and this included a sibling from abroad. If it was low-key for the formal part of the wedding, why was everyone dressed in their smartest clothes? Why, also, did they go for a posh meal? To add even more insult to injury, the OP was then sent photos of everyone having a lovely time without her. She was extremely gracious in her response, which was very difficult when she was, understandably, very upset. Being left out in such a blatant way - and for me the deceit involved in the planning and secrecy beforehand was the very worst part of the whole tawdry episode - would make anyone feel that they are the least important member of the family, especially as hèr hurt feelings have been ignored and she is being told by her family to pull herself together and get over it. The brother's behaviour is despicable enough, but I think the mother is far worse, because she is enabling him, a crucial part of the deception and, now, dismissing her daughter's very valid pain. It is almost akin to grief - the OP has lost the family she thought she had. I hope she will show these posts to you family.

*her

Lots of people go for a version of reactive abuse or a variation of it when they behave badly.

They think others need to suck it up and get on with.

Nasty, thoughtless behaviour can have very effective consequences through silence and an absolute refusal to acquiesce and suck it up.

My friend and her husband and children were deliberately excluded by her sister in law for a surprise 60th anniversary party for her inlaws.
Her husband was very hurt by this sisters exclusion, not the first time, when they saw the pictures on SM etc.
They live only 30 minutes away.

This was summer 2019.
My friend had sucked up a lot and bit her lip so many times over the years.
This was too much as their children were so confused at missing the big party held in their grandparents house.

She told her husband absolutely no more.
She wouldn't be having anything further to do with his sister.

No more inviting them to their home.
She told her husband she was massively stepping back.

Late 2019 she was left the most gorgeous old house on the beach, about 20 minutes from her in laws, by her maiden aunt, and the timing couldn't have been better when Covid hit.

They spent any chance the had renovating it, clearing out, painting, the garden etc.

His sister was dying to visit and have a free holiday in such a great spot.
Not happening.

My friend told her husband SO firmly that it wasn't happened and she wasn't welcome.
Her SIL called and was whining to her that they were family.

Friend told her you are not my family and you will NEVER be invited to MY holiday home.
She told her it was hers, not her husbands and she would NEVER be invited.
His parents were brought for lovely breaks there and 4 summers on she has kept to her word.

Her husband goes to see his parents, he occasionally brings their busy children with him, but my friend won't go as his sister always seems to know when he visits.

She has whined many times over the misunderstanding about the 60th anniversary but the truth is that it was deliberate, but the consequences are something she can't control and that infuriates her.

Particularly when so many relatives have been invited and visited and she remains on the Fxxk off list.

Karma via consequences are the best.

I'll be waiting to hear how you deal with this ultimate call out with your B.
I have a family issue which essentially is similar, in that My H & I were excluded from a major family event. So Hurt, & don't understand why we weren't told.
I have not faced them, I am waiting for an opportunity to say, "What a fantastic day that must have been, any reason why Fucking everyone kept it a dirty secret from us ?
I will never forgive them. The damage is done. They had better not come to me for help, emotional or otherwise, my supply of being nice & giving is empty.

Gosh, my eyes were popping out of my head reading that!
YANBU

Print out this thread and send it. To your mother to your brother. I bet your daughter and partner are fuming. Let them loose!

Interestingly enough when very hurtful things have happened and friends over the years have been tipped over the line by unkind behaviour, they often come back and reflect later that they are a bit grateful.

Because such was the line crossing, often after years of little niggles, the big one gave them a final complete non negotiable out.

Many times they have subsequently had overtures made to move on/get over/ forgive & forget, largely because it no longer suits the other party.

My friends have even accepted apologies at times and been gracious, BUT have said while they will accept the apology, it changes nothing in so much as they have no wish to see, visit, help, support or be involved with them.

Another friend had a SIL that never liked her and she never knew why. She just never did. She made it clear she never wanted the cousins to hang out and meet up as family.
My friend accepted it but never got to the bottom of it.

Her SIL contacted her husband about her child staying with them as they live close to the university he wanted to go to, and it would save them thousands for him to stay with family.

She has been told absolutely not and that she has left it 20 years too late to claim a family relationship.

They don't know her son and my friend with 3 children living at home has no interest in being responsible for another.

I'm so sorry, @SweetBabyCheesus
I think everything's been said, I just wanted to let you know how much I feel for you. Unforgivable. :-(

That’s soo cruel YANBU

I really love a great Fuck Around Find Out story and this is one of the best. Well done to your friend!

If anyone wants to start a FAFO Stories thread, I'd read it

Same!

Me too!

I have such a bunch.
My friends are such bad asses when crossed.
Unforgiving bitches that forgive and forget NOTHING if it injures or hurts their children.

Both of those stories below hurt their children in not being invited to the grandparents party and their cousins being prevented from ever knowing each other.
Scorched earth response.

On this sibject if my children ever cut me out and didn't invite our side but the other side, most likely the brides side, I sure as hell wouldn't suck it up.

Being too forgiving gets you nowhere.
Being too kind gets you nowhere.
Being too accommodating gets you nowhere.

Thats my view anyway.
Having a kind, respectful, but don't fxxk with me vibe is the ONLY way to go IMO as I have reached 60.

I have the tolerance of a gnat and have absolutely no interest in anyone being around me that annoys, disrespects or tries to take advantage of me.

Any hint of it and you are out.
I am blessed with great friends of a similar temperament.....all post menopausal with a low irritation threshold.😁

All more than happy to put family, relatives, husbands, children, colleagues, in their place if they step out of line.😁

Love the FAFO acronym....so stealing it.

Just rtft, and my heart breaks for you. I can completely emphasise too @SweetBabyCheesus as I've been there, and still there. It sucks. 💐

I. am. with. you.

Since I last posted @SweetBabyCheesus I've been in a bit of family pickle - a sibling's spouse, to be precise. I'm on & off staying with this sibling for a family funeral and all the clearing house stuff, and my in-law has been sniping at me for the last week. As if they just don't like me. I broke a couple of nights ago and left, after saying why, after a particularly gratuitous attack on me for saying something ordinary - banal, even..

I hated to do that - it was awful, because I'm conflict averse, and I'm the eldest daughter and I'm supposed to cope & not have feelings.

I have since had a sincere apology, which I accepted, and am very grateful that there is a sincere apology.

But ... it leaves me in a bit of a quandary - I normally don't have people in my life who snipe at me in that way. I can avoid them, not deal with them, just nopt have them in my life. I was badly bullied as a child, so the sort of low-level sniping is particularly triggering & I organise my life so I don't put myself in that position.

But if I want to stay close to my family member, I have to cope with this in-law. Even accept that they just don't like me.

It's not that same situation as you, @SweetBabyCheesus but similar enough that I've been thinking about how people like us can ever resolve such a situation. I am not prepared to cut off my in-law because I respect my sibling's marriage and I cannot put my sibling in the position of choosing between spouse and sibling. That's unthinkable. And I love my sibling dearly. Cutting them off is unthinkable.

But I need to protect myself. So it's probably going to be putting some time & distance between me and the in-law, and then a good old English-style muddle of politeness and feelings, and repression. On my part - the in-law has form for this & won't change permanently. And I do understand, people are themselves. Why should I require my in-law to change?

The irony about this is that my in-law really dislikes (despises even ) that good old English muddle. But I feel I'm being forced into it, in order to accommodate their outbursts of anger (albeit brief) at my presence. My sibling tells me I"m not the only one, that their spouse does it all the time. But that doesn't help really.

So I do understand a wee bit of your dilemma - you don't want to lose your brother or the rest of your family.

Good luck and a big hug of fellow feeling.

Exactly! He was expecting her to be angry and has done this on purpose. He's jealous of @SweetBabyCheesus imo.

They're all fuckers. I'd be boiling!