Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Can I ask you spoke about your step dad, are your brother and sister your half brother and sister and his and your mums children ( I saw there was quite a big age gap between you and your brother) . If this is the case it is even more hurtful for you being excluded

I would have asked her why it mattered to either parental groups so much that they went and why it mattered to your sister plus them all feeling it was important enough to send loads of photos. It was a horrible thing to do....if it was just a formality they could have popped down at lunch time then back to work.

I agree, don’t give them the chance to gaslight you. I would be giving myself some space for a while and that would include not turning up to the abroad wedding. Your mum might not like it, but it sounds like she has enabled your feelings to take second place for some time, so she’ll have to live with it. You’re geographically remote so that is to your advantage. Will be interesting to see if your brother values your relationship enough to try and make amends.

You poor thing. What a cruel thing to do. I don’t think I would be able to get over that either. They must have known you’d be upset about it. They can’t all be that dense as to think you’d be okay with it.

There’s no way I’d be going to the overseas pretend wedding if I wasn’t good enough to be invited to the real one. Balls to the lot of them.

Wow that's incredibly odd, I'd also be very upset OP. Not just with your brother, but what was your mum thinking! I have adult children and I just can't imagine going along with one of them being excluded from something as big as this.

Do they get on with your partner/children? Not that that is an excuse but I'm trying to get my head around why they've done this.

I wouldn't contact him, as you say the ball is in his court and I can't believe he's left it 3 weeks already!

Ooof, now you've opened a can of worms 🤣

My mum and dad have been married 3 times each 🙄
Me and my sister have the same dad, my mum's first marriage. My brother is my half-brother from my mum's second husband, but I have never thought of him as anything other than my brother.
My stepdad in this story has been my stepdad for over 30 years.

Bet you wish you hadn't asked 🤣

You'd think I'd been to enough weddings...

Oh I still think they've been twats @ObviouslyBlooming but I guess if I hadn't told everyone that's what we were doing, my DM wouldn't have been able to gatecrash, so I can see why he's kept it quiet. I think (if you put my lens on it) it's actually the DM that's been the biggest twat.

Yeah I agree with this. They didn't think it would matter to you? But it mattered enough to all of them, and mattered enough to the brides family that they FLEW IN FROM OVERSEAS?!

Sorry but they're all just coming up with excuses. They know they were all in the wrong.

Tbh I would probably be more upset with my mum than with anyone else. She was happy to celebrate such a special occasion with 2 of her children and keep it a secret from her other child?! It must have felt very awkward on the day.

Awful.

Your message was fine he knew he had messed up. He completely gaslit you. If he didn’t think you’d mind why didn’t they tell you? My family can be a bit similar I wouldn’t go to the actual wedding! Or you could reach out to him and ask for a face to face conversation.

Hmmm... ok well playing devil's advocate again, maybe, in his pig ignorant ways, he felt that would be more important for you to be at the actual one?

And you living 150 miles away so a bit of a trek for no more than a rehearsal?

He is wrong of course, but trying to see a resolution here.

I agree with this. The fact that mum was happy to celebrate an occasion like this with two of her children and keep it a secret from the other is awful.

I wouldn't be able to forgive her.

Yeah I agree with this. They didn't think it would matter to you? But it mattered enough to all of them, and mattered enough to the brides family that they FLEW IN FROM OVERSEAS

This is one of the many points I was trying to make to my mum! It was fucking important enough for you all to dress up and take pictures though!

I think you may be me! I have a similarly complicated family with five siblings (three half siblings, one full sibling, various step-parents). My brother (who is my favourite) is my half-brother. I am the oldest and like you I always felt I was 'left to get on with it' - well, I was. I also live 150 miles away from the rest of them - apart from my brother who moved 10 mins away from me.

Honestly, I think you should just pick up the phone and ring him and have it out with him. I know the onus shouldn't be on you - but otherwise he'll just be expecting you to turn up at his wedding, no problem, so either he'll be shocked when you don't, or you'll be there faking it, and either way it's drama that you don't need. I suspect he invited your sister because she couldn't make it to the 'real' wedding and it all snowballed from there, but you'll never know until you speak to him. Us eldest children are always the ones who have to be the bigger person (and are massively taken for granted and expected to be stoical).

OP that's really horrible and I'm sorry that happened. I wanted to say when I had my registry or the formal bit as your family have called it, the room had a limit of how many people could attend and so I wonder if that's what happened and they had reached their limit. And the numbers could be as small as 6 in the venue we had it in.

However, I don't see why they couldn't have invited you to the dinner afterwards if it was just in a restaurant. It does feel mean and YANBU at all to feel hurt. I would be very sad if either of my siblings did that.

I have been over and over all of this stuff, I can promise you. But it's almost worse for them to have been so thoughtless, than to have deliberately excluded me.
They have all known me for a very long time - but they know me so little? That in itself is hurtful.

This is bang out of order! I would have gone mad.

I'd be asking the question directly to your brother on why he didn't want you there.

All the family was invited and you've clearly been kept in the dark regarding this.

All this, " forgotten to invite " is a load of old flannel.

You are right to be upset and hurt by this. If you are all a happy family and get on great, I'd be finding out pronto why they have all done you dirty.

There's no coming back from this, it's so hurtful.

I couldn't forgive this @SweetBabyCheesus .
There is no explanation or apology from either your mother or your siblings that could make this right.
They have made your place in the family clear.
I would never communicate with any of them again. Ever.

@AnonymousBleep Us eldest children are always the ones who have to be the bigger person (and are massively taken for granted and expected to be stoical).

I sort of feel like the worm is turning, tbh.

I couldn't cope with the embarrassment of not being invited to a family wedding; I would feel ostracised and, probably bizarrely, ashamed - and also very, very, hurt.

This is a horrible way to treat you. I can't see any way back unless your family apologise.

Sad as it is I would seriously consider cutting contact for a period of time

Totally out of order for not at least informing you of the registry part.

Is the wedding in her home place a proper ceremony?

It's really, really odd of all of them.

I'd be tempted, at some point, to stage some kind of 'intervention' where they are all in a room, and you tap a glass - ding ding ding, and just calmly ask
'Can someone please explain the reason why I was completely kept in the dark about xxxx&xxxx getting married in London please?'.

Until then try and act normal around everyone and don't mention it - rise above it, as it were. (hard I know, but cheesus, if you dwell on it you'll just get more upset)

Wow. I'm not sure i could get over it. Even if you suck it up, you now know exactly where you fit in the family and you can never feel the same around them. Either way is crap for you. I'm sorry OP.

Hi DB, I haven't heard from you so i thought I'd explain why I was really hurt not to have been invited to your first wedding and celebratory meal. I was the only one, and it really stung - I felt like I don't count much in the family, and that's a familiar feeling unfortunately.

I think if the family really believed I wouldn't care, you wouldn't all have kept so unusually quiet about it. Perhaps you felt a bit guilty when you texted, because my message really wasn't clipped or short in any way.

Is there a reason that I've been left out? I really don't want to fall out badly over this, but it's hurt so much that I feel it won't do any of us any good if I sweep it under the carpet.