Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

I'm sorry OP, that's incredibly hurtful. 💐

I think you're still processing it all right now but what do you want long term out of this? Do you see a future where you've forgiven them (if not forgotten) and where you're all involved in each other's lives? Or has this irrevocably damaged your relationship so that you want a more arms length relationship or barely one at all?

Because that will influence what you decide to do next. Tempting as it would be not to go to the main wedding (and why should you fork out the expense of attending a foreign wedding for people who have treated you with such disregard), not going will be a death knell for your relationship with your brother. He'll use it to paint you as the bad guy and cut you off.

If you want a future it would be best to be direct and say that you make no apologies for expressing that you are incredibly hurt at what's happened, even if that wasn't their intention, but that you still love him and want him to be happy and so for the sake of family harmony you'd still like to come to the wedding, won't cause a scene and will genuinely wish them the best but that you may be a little distant for some time while you come to terms with it all.

YANBU! I would have been extremely hurt and upset to be honest. If it was a case of restricted numbers I would have understood if he had explained it that way but to completely exclude you was just cruel.

Me too, I'm off the full belief that it's about the bride and groom and what they want! I'm not demanding in that way at all.

If they'd have done it in secret, that's their choice, and I wouldn't have minded if they'd told me about it and said about numbers, or whatever. Honestly I wouldn't have made a fuss, again, they know this.

Something I've experienced a few times is people getting married don't realise that it is actually important to their friends to witness the actual act of getting married. So often, people do a private ceremony with just parents and witnesses and invite you to the party. Well sorry, but it's the other way around for me, I'd rather miss the party and see the ceremony.

(and I love parties and am an extrovert!)

Oh op I too would be beyond hurt. I really would.

I'm really close to my younger brother (similar ages) and I'd be devastated if he did this. You need to talk to him and find out why he did this. He's your brother so you can be completely open and tell him how upset you are.

People are weird about weddings!

I wouldn’t be talking to any of them in all honesty as I would be hurt.

For me it wouldn’t just be the fact I wasn’t invited, I would understand it’s just the formality and very small, it’s the way nobody even mentioned it was happening.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I think you're spot on here, that message was much nicer than the one I would've sent!

Im always saying this on here but it never ceases to amaze me how weird and dysfunctional some families are, no one in my family would dream of doing this. Having a secret wedding and informing you on the day, inviting everone but you - wow, not surprised you're very hurt.

I think the worst part is everyone playing a part and keeping it a secret from you.

I'm from a large family and everyone has their role to play. I'm the peace maker, the easy one who causes no problems. But I'm the one who gets manipulated with little boundaries. I'm changing and noone likes it.

What your family has done is very hurtful and slightly spiteful. Stand your ground.

I’d just gradually withdraw and I could never think of them in the same way again. I wouldn’t be able to get over the hurt

So I'm expected to message him again and beg to talk? Because I think at this point, the onus is on him to reach out.

Wow, that is awful. Particularly, since your sister was there. He knew he was in the wrong, your message was in no way clipped.

Even if he had of given you the heads up it was happening that would have taken the sting out of it.

Sorry @SweetBabyCheesus that is horrible.

Ok so I'm posting from a slightly different perspective as I've done this (a tiny registry formality do followed by our proper wedding). The registry do was 100% about signing the papers, we always refer to the second wedding as 'our wedding' and that's the date we celebrate as our wedding anniversary too.

For our registry office I invited our two closest friends to be witnesses plus their partners, so four. My DM knew about the registry, wasn't invited, took it on herself to moan so much to a woman from her work that the woman gave up her lunch break to drive my mum to the registrars, so there's a woman I've never met before in my life in those pics.

It wasn't my wedding. I didn't want ANYONE else there apart from the two witnesses, I balked at their partners but we went with it in the end.

I really, really have a feeling this is what's happened. He's picked your other sister to be his witness (because she can't go to the main wedding) and his DW has done the same thing. And your DM has either sulked or pushed or whatever, and she's got herself invited too.

The reason he's acting guilty was because it was supposed to be a secret - this is where he went wrong, he should have talked to you about it up front and explained his reasoning. He didn't, and now you're (rightly) upset because you feel excluded.

So what do you do now? Either let it fester, which is clearly breaking your heart, or pick up the phone and sort it out one way or another.

think I would be telling all of them ( separately) how upset you are that they have all colluded in this. I’d want a lot of apology before I’d even consider moving on from this. They all knew . Your brother could have said beforehand that there was going to be to be a small registry office affair but that you weren’t invited because ..( why?)

I wouldn't bother - I'd just distance myself from the lot of them. They'll just gaslight you some more and make out you're selfish bc "it's not about you."

At least you know where you stand now with your brother - that ain't a best friend.

Have you asked your mum how she would have felt if she'd been the only one left out? It's bloody grim. And there will be an atmosphere at the wedding if you go. Bin the lot off and focus on your own family. Sorry this has happened to you

Agree @SweetBabyCheesus - definitely not on you to reach out to him now.

If it were me I'd probably message someone (is there a family group chat?) and use the earlier poster's words about withdrawing from the wedding, then at the very least mute them all.

I'm sorry OP, this is really, really horrible behaviour by your family 😭

Sometimes there simply isn't a positive side, and turning yourself inside you to reach for one just leads to nonsense explanations such as yours. Toxic positivity is so unhelpful, it's much healthier to acknowledge hard things and try to address them.

Are you able to reach out to you mum or sister to ask what he was thinking? Or maybe even his wife? Or just phone him rather than message?

I had a sort of similar scenario (I had fallen out with now wife as she was slagging me, my dh and my parents off on social media). Things did not get better and I do not talk to my brother or his wife and have never met their dc. For various reasons digging in was right for me and I will accept the consequences but you probably should reflect on the outcome you want here.

YANBU at all.

I can see them inviting just your parents and the bride's parents, and then your sister because she can't go to the wedding abroad - but they should have either invited you, or explained why you couldn't be invited (space at the registry office for example), and at least invited you to the meal afterwards.

Are you sure your sister was invited? One of my friends wanted a small unofficial wedding in Mexico with just two close friends as witnesses. Some other friend got wind of it and just turned up uninvited.

If you want to go to the wedding abroad and think you will enjoy it, such as being able to see extended family you don't normally see, then don't cut your nose off to spite your face, but I can quite see why you are hurt by this. Your family feels guilty, that's why they are trying to make out you are being oversensitive.

I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.
Not inviting you to the wedding was bad enough. Doubly so, seeing that everybody else was invited.
Not responding to your hurt only compounds things.

The foreign wedding is going to cost "thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have". Cancel the plans and concentrate on your own unit instead.

I said this. Me and dp have been together 15 years and will get married when we can be arsed. I asked her how she would feel if I sent her pics of our wedding (just a formality) as a surprise, and dp's mum was there, but she knew nothing about it... She then says she understands, and two minutes later is banging on about the wedding not being a big deal.

I find this interesting.

DH and I married in secret. DC knew and came along to the registry office but not into the actual room. We very much treated it like signing a business contract because that's what it is. We wanted the benefits of being married but did not want to have a wedding.

Every year we host a summer garden party for friends and family. We broke the news at this rather than having a marriage celebration party. I know some our friends were a little hurt at not being told. I sympathise with that but I wasn't marrying them so...

I did, however, soften the blow with a personalised gift and an individualised poem for my best friends when I told them (which explained how I loved them and why not telling them did not mean that I didn't), which meant I was rapidly forgiven.

I can't imagine inviting my whole family and leaving out my sister though. That's very hurtful indeed.

@HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf i can see where you’re coming from.
However, it still makes both her brother and her mum twats.
Her mum for pushing and making her ds guilty etc….
Her brother for not explaining what was going on. (Plus seeing the situation and the fact it wasn’t just signing papers anymore, he could then have to,d her to come. A but if empathy goes a long way)