Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Yep. But the longer time that passes without him contacting me, the less likely that is looking.

I wonder if it started small (‘Let’s just do the formal bit by ourselves’) but then became more of a celebration as they mentioned it to people…

But they really should have mentioned it to you too, especially once your sibling was invited.

It should not have been done behind your back

He's just quite a difficult person! He knows that too.
He is quite argumentative and confrontational, and very straightforward. Like I say, if this were the other way round, he would have made his feelings very clear.

Yes. Your brother was immediately on the defensive. He knows what he’s done. I don’t know how he could have enjoyed any of that without you there. I’d be feeling completely mugged off and I’d feel second best at the other “wedding”. I’d feel self-conscious and awkward just being there knowing what they’d all done x

Yes, I can see how it may have snowballed actually. They invite your sister cos she's not coming to the abroad one. Then your parents ask if they come so they feel they can't say no...then the other parents catch wind of it etc etc

BUT for me what's breathtakingly cruel is to keep you in the dark about it all - deliberately so surely and then send you loads of pictures on the day. That's the bit that would feel like a knife in the heart to me. It feels deliberately cruel.

I think his comment about you being 'clipped' was also manipulative and designed to provoke a reaction - you had sent a lovely message but apparently that wasn't what he wanted....

@SweetBabyCheesus as the eldest of 4, I can really appreciate how youre feeling. It doesn't matter why they left you out, the fact that they did will cut so deep and will never heal. I don't have any suggestions for how to make it better I'm afraid and even fewer suggestions for how you navigate the 'wedding'.

He didn’t want you there, or his wife didn’t, or they just couldn’t be bothered to invite you. It doesn’t matter why. It was a mean and cruel thing to do, made worse by not letting you know ahead of time.

I assume they expect you to just suck it up and carry on as you always have, not the perfect youngest boy and not the unwell middle child who’s always needs support. I wouldn’t go to the wedding. I wouldn’t make a huge fuss, just withdraw and say you don’t want to bring the mood down and you don’t feel particularly positive about it knowing you were excluded before. Don’t go the extra mile for any of them now you know they wouldn’t do the same for you. Is it usually you that initiates contact? Concentrate on your children and your family rather than those selfish knobs.

Nope, that's really bad.

Thank you all so much. I can't get this out of my mind, and as dramatic as it sounds, they have damaged my relationships with all of them irrevocably. And they're acting as if I'm unreasonable to feel like this. I just can't get my head around it.

Trying to look on the positive side. Could it be that your brother desperately wants you to go to the “proper” wedding abroad and thought that you might think you had an excuse not to go if you had attended the London wedding which is just a formality.
Just a thought- you might be extremely important to him and he has a cack handed way of going about things.

YANBU OP, not by a million miles. You poor thing, I can only imagine how much this hurts.

is there anything in your history with your brother that might point to some sort of retaliation on his part? Like how involved he was at your wedding, if you got married? Or some misunderstanding with his fiancée/ wife? Not that this would make it right - just wondering if he’s held some mad unspoken (unknown!) grudge for years and this is his way of getting even.

I would be hurt by this. Arrangements made with everybody else in the immediate family but not you. Not a casual thing when others have flew in from another country. Looks like it would have been just as easy for you to get there as well. Also no one mentioning it at all in the lead up to the day. I think your mum sending you a photo all dressed for the event just before she left for it is also significant. She and your step dad probably could see that you were going to be hurt and thought, at the last minute, better to tell you now rather than fins out afterwards that even your mum hadn't mentioned it to you.
Why no mention from anybody? Hardly your brother just 'forgetting' to mention it to you when everybody else was invited. Different if the had just chosen to go through the formalities with just your mum and stepdad for witnesses and surprised everyone else with photos afterwards ...but only you left out ...not very kind.
I'm guessing it was your brother's and fiancé decision for a reason I can't fathom as you believed yourself to be close. Your mum kept it quiet as was 'his wishes' but felt guilty so mentioned on the day. Of course she will want it to be no big deal now because she has been complicit and will want it to be minimised in the interests of family unity. However presumably the original decision was presumably the couples so decision not her fault. I would be very hurt though that if she had tried and hadn't been able to change the couples mind, she hadn't said no way am I being part of keeping this secret from @SweetBabyCheesus.
The problem now of course is that your mother, sister and brother, having been all part of leaving you out, will try to minimize it and make you look unreasonable for caring about it. You have some heart searching to do and difficult decisions to make about whether to accept minimizing it yourself for the sake of family unity or deciding not to go to the abroad wedding. I hope it is resolved for you without a major family fallout 💐

It's very mean. I'd be extremely hurt, too.

Unless there is some massive backstory here they are being very unreasonable not to include you or even tell you what was going on.

Is the bride's brother not going to the overseas wedding either? I could partially understand him inviting your sister if she can't go to the wedding, but if the brother is going then that'd be worse.

It's not just that they didn't tell you, it's all the sending of photos later that's like rubbing your nose in it. If it wasn't a 'big deal' then why invite any family at all? They could have done it with a couple of friends as witnesses. Now the thing later this year is just a blessing and a party, because they've already legally married.

This is very much how I feel. I don't want big rows and all that. I like a peaceful life. But this incident feels like they have made it very clear how I'm thought of.

And you are right about the being expected to suck it up. I'm the 'capable' one. But fuck me, I've got feelings!

What a mean and shitty thing to do. Your family are complete assholes. I don’t think you can forgive them for this. I would drop them in a heartbeat - how incredibly hurtful it must be for you. Your brother can definitely shove the next wedding up his miserable arse.

Oh my god I usually read these and think that it's all drama over nothing but wow. Yeah I would not be ok with this OP.

Your brother clearly feels guilty (hence instantly jumping on the defensive in response to your nice text!) and tbh, you're a much better person than me for wanting to keep the peace for your mums sake. She wasn't exactly thinking of you when they were all planning this behind your back was she?

Sorry if that sounds horrible or blunt but, as others have said, it wasn't some last minute thing. It was a planned event and they deliberately kept you in the dark.

I would be telling them to stick their "proper" wedding invite up their arse OP.

No, I would know. He confronts anything like that head-on.

I'm very laid back about this sort of stuff, I don't care what people do in general....., but that's a shocker OP.

I wouldn't bother with any of them ever again.

I hope you aren't going to go to the expensive abroad do.

They probably thought they had to send photos so it didn't look like they were completely hiding it.

But yeah, really inconsiderate and mean.

So he is always happy to voice his feelings and everyone has to be fine with that - and presumably respond to him, justify, explain, apologise, soothe etc.

But the moment you express (justified!) unhappiness he won’t engage and the rest of your family tell you to suck it up and stop making them feel bad.

It sounds like you all have set roles to play in your family and you’ve drawn the short straw. I’d be stepping back from here if I were you. You won’t win with this dynamic sadly.

(edited for typos)

I would go to him set out that you are upset at not being included and leave it with them

because your other option is to accept and move on