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Original poster

Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

1000 replies

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 13:13

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 14/02/2025 13:09

@LittleBigHead maybe start a thread? Can you see sibling without in law?

Tiredofallthis101 · 15/02/2025 07:53

@SweetBabyCheesus do start another follow on thread if you want to so people on here can keep supporting you.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 15/02/2025 10:14

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 13:34

In all honesty, I feel like telling him to stick his wedding up his arse. But this is the stuff that feuds to the death are made of - and it really upsets my mum if any of us fall out. I get that, I have kids of my own.

But we don't fall out, just the general sibling bickering. We love each other. But I am feeling really fucking unloved about this, and I don't think I can get over it.

This is not what I'm like generally, not at all. I am the peacemaker and the smoother. But not this time.

Well, you're right of course, but I don't think I could speak to any of them again after that. Clearly, they have all connived to keep the event details from you, which is beyond nasty. I would just say - fuck the lot of you, but I tend to hold grudges. In any case, from now on, you know that none of them are trustworthy or decent.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 15/02/2025 10:52

SweetBabyCheesus · 10/02/2025 20:45

I provide her emotional support. She is an emotional person, and I am often her sounding board, because we understand each other. Well, I thought we did. The other two don't get her like I do.

Show quote history

Well, now is the time to stop. Why should you be giving her your emotional support, when she seems incapable of realising that you have valid feelings too? Just don't fucking bother any more. Life is too short to be propping up people who clearly don't give a shit about you.

OpenOliveCat · 15/02/2025 16:13

Maddy70 · 13/02/2025 10:30

My friend did this. They had the "business" wedding. Where the do the legalities. It was just their parents and people that couldn'tske it to the "real" one

I understand you're hurt but if they invited people then it becomes the proper wedding

Speak to him. This is silly. It's just signing a register before the big wedding

This.
I agree this gathering was the business end. Of course, it's all going to go tits up now and this feud will cast a shadow over the real wedding.😂
It's like Eastenders.

Violinist64 · 15/02/2025 22:22

@OpenOliveCat, it may well seem like an episode of EastEnders, but we should remember that it is not a TV programme. The OP is a very hurt human being with a family who have behaved disgracefully. We should not treat her very real problem as entertainment.

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 07:57

Violinist64 · 15/02/2025 22:22

@OpenOliveCat, it may well seem like an episode of EastEnders, but we should remember that it is not a TV programme. The OP is a very hurt human being with a family who have behaved disgracefully. We should not treat her very real problem as entertainment.

Ultimately the op is assuming the worst.
This wedding isn't about her.
To me it looks like certain people were chosen for this part which was only a legal formality. She wasn't one of those people...
Suck it up buttercup...

TulipTiptoer · 16/02/2025 08:55

To me it looks like certain people were chosen for this part which was only a legal formality.

Yes, everyone but her

LushLemonTart · 16/02/2025 09:45

If it's just the legal bit/formality why the secrecy? Can't some of you see that's the problem? Or are you just looking for a rise 🥱

Violinist64 · 16/02/2025 10:56

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 07:57

Ultimately the op is assuming the worst.
This wedding isn't about her.
To me it looks like certain people were chosen for this part which was only a legal formality. She wasn't one of those people...
Suck it up buttercup...

Show quote history

Are you the OP's mother or sister?

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 11:19

LushLemonTart · 16/02/2025 09:45

If it's just the legal bit/formality why the secrecy? Can't some of you see that's the problem? Or are you just looking for a rise 🥱

Why the secrecy? It wasn't a secret for the small group involved. The person in question wasn't invited to a formal gathering that included a meal afterwards. It's understandable that her brother was hesitant because the op is delicate. This is NOT her wedding.

The brother and his wife decided who would be part of this small gathering. It only becomes a problem if she makes it one— which she is doing.

The wedding has nothing to do with her; she doesn't need to be consulted. She can either attend the main event or choose not to go at all.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/02/2025 11:28

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 11:19

Why the secrecy? It wasn't a secret for the small group involved. The person in question wasn't invited to a formal gathering that included a meal afterwards. It's understandable that her brother was hesitant because the op is delicate. This is NOT her wedding.

The brother and his wife decided who would be part of this small gathering. It only becomes a problem if she makes it one— which she is doing.

The wedding has nothing to do with her; she doesn't need to be consulted. She can either attend the main event or choose not to go at all.

Show quote history

That's the thing. OP has never been the delicate one. She is the peacemaker and the capable one who her mother relies on for emotional support because her siblings aren't capable of providing it.

Of course there was secrecy. The whole point of a secret is that some people know and keep it from other people. OP's mum normally tells her absolutely everything, even gossip about neighbours that OP doesn't even know. Her mother, who colluded in her daughter's exclusion from the wedding by keeping it secret, will definitely be the loser if OP decides to pull back from her family.

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 11:31

thepariscrimefiles · 16/02/2025 11:28

That's the thing. OP has never been the delicate one. She is the peacemaker and the capable one who her mother relies on for emotional support because her siblings aren't capable of providing it.

Of course there was secrecy. The whole point of a secret is that some people know and keep it from other people. OP's mum normally tells her absolutely everything, even gossip about neighbours that OP doesn't even know. Her mother, who colluded in her daughter's exclusion from the wedding by keeping it secret, will definitely be the loser if OP decides to pull back from her family.

Show quote history

Why did the op need to know?
She is delicate the proof being this thread.

TulipTiptoer · 16/02/2025 11:33

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 11:19

Why the secrecy? It wasn't a secret for the small group involved. The person in question wasn't invited to a formal gathering that included a meal afterwards. It's understandable that her brother was hesitant because the op is delicate. This is NOT her wedding.

The brother and his wife decided who would be part of this small gathering. It only becomes a problem if she makes it one— which she is doing.

The wedding has nothing to do with her; she doesn't need to be consulted. She can either attend the main event or choose not to go at all.

Show quote history

That's so funny! So if a sibling gets married and all the other siblings on both sides are invited to dress up, attend and go to a meal afterwards, it's nothing to do with the excluded one?! 😆🤣

LushLemonTart · 16/02/2025 11:35

I don't know why anyone is engaging with OOC. They're as awful as Op's family.

@SweetBabyCheesus your thread will be full soon. Wishing you well.

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 11:36

TulipTiptoer · 16/02/2025 11:33

That's so funny! So if a sibling gets married and all the other siblings on both sides are invited to dress up, attend and go to a meal afterwards, it's nothing to do with the excluded one?! 😆🤣

Show quote history

She was not included in this group. She's in the main wedding group.

So yes she's being a big baby.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/02/2025 11:39

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 11:31

Why did the op need to know?
She is delicate the proof being this thread.

Show quote history

This is the first time she has ever been 'delicate' as you call it. Anyway, they have been absolutely terrible at keeping it a secret, as they sent OP photos of the event. If they hadn't done this, she would probably be none the wiser.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/02/2025 11:41

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 11:36

She was not included in this group. She's in the main wedding group.

So yes she's being a big baby.

Show quote history

Hopefully, OP has stopped reading the thread and doesn't see your spiteful and catty remarks.

TulipTiptoer · 16/02/2025 11:42

I agree. Good luck to the OP. Hope it all gets resolved in the best way possible FOR HER. 💐

Creameded · 16/02/2025 11:43

So many women remain in abusive family dynamics because they cannot sit with the emotions and feelings of what being treated badly feels like.

They rush to fix and smooth over their bad treatment....until the next time.

That is why silence and full withdrawal is so powerful.

No discussion, no argument, no fixing things by you.

"Let them" "Leave them"...to their ugly little lives, where hurting people makes them feel better about themselves.

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 11:47

TulipTiptoer · 16/02/2025 11:42

I agree. Good luck to the OP. Hope it all gets resolved in the best way possible FOR HER. 💐

Drama pre-wedding is common. Guest being the main instigators of these issues. This wedding isn't about HER.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 16/02/2025 12:21

Maddy70 · 13/02/2025 10:30

My friend did this. They had the "business" wedding. Where the do the legalities. It was just their parents and people that couldn'tske it to the "real" one

I understand you're hurt but if they invited people then it becomes the proper wedding

Speak to him. This is silly. It's just signing a register before the big wedding

Both sets of parents and all siblings apart from OP attended. They all dressed up and went for a meal together after. They all kept it a secret from OP.

How can you equate this with your friend’s wedding? It’s not the same at all.

Never2many · 16/02/2025 12:30

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 16/02/2025 12:21

Both sets of parents and all siblings apart from OP attended. They all dressed up and went for a meal together after. They all kept it a secret from OP.

How can you equate this with your friend’s wedding? It’s not the same at all.

Edited
Show quote history

Also, the signing of the register is the proper wedding. The rest is a party to celebrate the fact that they got married however many months ago. But the reason why they don’t say that is because they know a lot of people are less likely to travel thousands of miles and spend thousands on a party, so they let on that it’s a wedding. It’s not.

OpenOliveCat · 16/02/2025 12:33

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 16/02/2025 12:21

Both sets of parents and all siblings apart from OP attended. They all dressed up and went for a meal together after. They all kept it a secret from OP.

How can you equate this with your friend’s wedding? It’s not the same at all.

Edited
Show quote history

My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).
Both sets of parents and a sibling from either side.
Seems pretty simple to me.

Storm in an English t-cup...

Original poster
SweetBabyCheesus · 16/02/2025 13:56

Don't worry, I am fully aware of OpenOliveCat's opinion... Delicate my arse 🤣

Thanks so much all of you. My brother has asked me to call on my day off on Tuesday, so I will let you know how it goes!

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