Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

YANBU! My brother who I’m very close to announced his engagement on social media (which he hardly if ever even uses!) I was gutted over that so I can only imagine how this must feel for you. We used to talk almost daily and because I expressed how hurt I was he hasn’t spoken to me in two months. Sorry OP. This is horrible and really inconsiderate of your feelings.

Don't go to the abroad wedding. He's happy for you to fork out thousands for his wedding in another country but not to have you even attend the dinner after his formal wedding here (if they were so limited by numbers in the registry office). For them all to be there and not invite you or even mention it until it was over, I'd cut them off.

Speaking from experience. My brother didn't invite me to his wedding. It wasn't hidden. I haven't spoken to him since and he was divorced within the year.

I agree with this. I wouldn’t go to the wedding abroad. How hurtful for you. So sorry OP.

Oh @SweetBabyCheesus that is really shitty behaviour on your brothers part. Firstly for not including you in the plans and then being on the defensive immediately because there was nothing off in your message.
He knew he was wrong all along.
And then to gaslight you and somehow make it seem as though you are overreacting/in the wrong.
I def think the ball is in his court.
I wouldn't message again and I wouldn't go to the destination "wedding".

The old saying "When someone shows you who they are believe them"

You deserve better...

Be the worm that turned OP, you have been treated very cruelly and I'm not surprised that you are very, very hurt. I would be too.

I'm also the oldest sibling, the one that's constantly overlooked or slighted but is somehow expected not to mind and to look after everyone else regardless.

Spend the money you were going to spend on the wedding on going somewhere else, somewhere lovely, at the same time. Not out of spite or pride but out of self-preservation. I have only recently stepped back from my family to let them get on with their spite and machinations without me...and it feels good, and restful, and right. Look after yourself xx

I make excuses for all of their behaviour, I'm afraid. As we all get older, that extra dimension is added - that you're worried about upsetting someone in case they drop dead 🤣

I'm not a doormat in real life. I'm just very aware of other people's feelings, dislike conflict, and would rather everyone is happy. It takes something very important to me for me to confront an issue like this.

But confront it I must. They have all hurt me hugely, and the fact that none of them seem to understand why, baffles me.

There's no coming back from this for me. I can pretend for ever, but I will never, ever feel the same about any of them again.

HRTFT but DS did this. Only myself and his MIL attended the actual ceremony then eight of us went out for a meal. They didnt want it to cloud their 'wedding,' which was a huge affair held two weeks later.
Whilst it was a lovely day, (DC2&3 who both had roles in the later 'wedding'), were not invited. Most guests who attended the second one still, a year later, have no idea it wasnt their actual wedding day. I suspect your DB was trying to do rhe same but screwed it up by keeping it secret from you and not others. DC2&3 knew all along about the secret service.

You have every right to be upset. I suspect the registry office would allow a maximum of 6 guests and they chose 3 guests each. Maybe it’s understandable he would prioritise your sister over you in this instance if she can’t make the ceremony abroad but he’s dealt with this all terribly.

It sounds like he’s just ignored it and played it down in the hope you wouldn’t mind / find out. When he should have just tackled it head on and explained to you the predicament with limited guests and the thought process behind the choice of guests.

Its cowardly.

Well your message back didn't sound clipped at all so obviously he was feeling guilty and then tried to turn it round on you!
I think the fact they hadn't mentioned it is upsetting not so much the actual arrangements if you're going to the abroad wedding.
My sister got married last year and had a tiny wedding just me and the grooms sister as witnesses then had a bit of a party afterwards then went on to a hotel and had a meal with our parents and grandparents which I didn't go to.
As long as she was happy that's all that mattered to me.
But it's the secrecy that's upsetting you're not being unreasonable at all.

You were very gracious, and it looks like he just wanted to keep pushing it until he got a rise out of you. The way the rest of the family agreed to keep it a secret is inexcusable, if they really thought you weren't bothered they wouldn't have hidden it from you before the event.

That's an swful thing for them all to do. As hard as it might be to face; I'd wager that the only reason you two are as close as you feel is because you suck up a lot of his hurtful or questionable behaviour. Look what's happened the first time you've called him out on it.

Her parents & brother were there so it was obviously of some importance!

If the "wedding" is in the Autumn abroad, why did they have to marry here first for that to happen?

I'm not sure I'd be going to the "wedding" not matter what reason he comes back with for no inviting you.

I have nothing constructive to advise, but really wanted to say I completely understand how you must feel (I think most people have got some family situation skeletons lurking in the closet somewhere along the line and can probably relate).

It doesn't matter how much you tell yourself that it doesn't matter - it bloody does and it hurts, I know. I feel like suggesting you sack off the 'proper' wedding and spend the money on a lovely break for you, DP and your DC. But I also understand that even if you did this, you likely wouldn't enjoy it.

I'm so sorry, you must be alternating between absolute rage and utter sadness and unfortunately, your brother is the only one who can properly fix it.

Sending you a ridiculous virtual bunch of blooms, because I can't do anything else!

No love, you are not being a big baby about this, this IS really hurtful. the sending pictures to you seems especially cruel given the circumstances, and to know that you have had conversations with your family and NOBODY has mentioned it, EVERYONE has conspired to keep this from you.

I had similar from my Mother and my sister when they were planning a massive holiday, a whole fucking year they were planning it, i got told just before they were leaving. ditto when my mother moved hundreds of miles. I knew she was planning on moving, but she didn't tell me at thing about finding somewhere to buy etc, she deliberately kept it all from me, nobody else, my extended family knew everything. Mum/sister really seemed to get off on keeping the holiday from me, and when I emailed my mother to tell her how hurt and confused i was for her to have excluded me from the news about moving etc.

She replied to tell me that we were never that close. That stung. really cut me to the core. it broke my relationship with her there and then. A little while after that, i cut her off completely, it had gotworse before it got better and she and her husband had come hammering on my door demanding why I was not calling my mother back etc etc. I had to call the police to tell her to leave my home.

It's years on now and I am at peace with my decision. You have a few hard yards to cover to get to a place where you will feel OK about this. Find some support locally, see if you can get a therapist, that really helped me.

This is on them, not you. I'm so sorry.

In my experience people will avoid you when they know they’ve done wrong. His text proves he knew he did you wrong but I fear he wanted a rise out of you.
Keep your head up and give them all silence until they approach you.

Felt devastated for you when I read it! So sorry. Similar happened to me but a best friend not brother. Not a big deal apparently! It broke me. We haven’t spoken for three years. She hasn’t tried to ring me so that’s that!
I hope you’ll be ok x

There's no excusing this OP, no matter how you look at it. I don't think l could get over such deliberately cruel behaviour from your mother and your brother in particular. Their behaviour is utterly weird in that they kept you in the dark but then spammed you with loads of celebratory pics of the day! How messed up is that? I definitely wouldn't go to the abroad wedding as l could not forgive them. The secrecy, the gaslighting in from your brother and the minimising of your feelings from them is despicable. They should be ashamed of themselves!

Your response doesn’t look ‘clipped’ from what I can see unless you normally send him big gushy posts. He knew he’d done wrong as he was so quick to ask if he’d done something. He knew you’d be annoyed when you found out. All I can say from your response by saying you don’t want to spoil his big day, he’s jumped on that, gone in the huff first(cause he knows he’s done wrong by you) and now can pin it on you ‘for spoiling his day’.

I cannot tell you how much this has helped, honestly. DP has had my back, but that's his job, so because of the way my family have reacted to this, I have even doubted his support. It's been truly making me think maybe I've blown it out of proportion.
So to see these responses makes everything clearer, and I'm really grateful to all of you.

Yes that's a good point maybe he thought it was just a formality and wanted to keep it quiet rather than to hurt you in anyway OP?
But not to reply to your message for 3 weeks is awful it's not difficult to understand why you are upset

I agree - the message from your brother does smack of a guilty conscience. First thing I thought. I do feel for you. I don't understand at all why you weren't invited. What you do now must be a difficult decision. It sounds from your post like you're thinking of bailing on the 'proper' wedding but citing money and distance as reason why when you were perfectly happy to go to the wedding before. So this is about hurt feelings, not money or distance. Can you let your brother know that you don't understand why you were excluded and this is making you now not want to go to the 'proper' wedding. Ask for an explanation because there must be one. If none is forthcoming, I'd be spending the money on a nice break for myself.

No. I am not doing this. Enough is enough.

Making out this isn't the real wedding is nonsense. Your message to him wasn't clipped at all and he was clearly projecting to see what you were thinking.

For me, I don't want to go to an evening do at a wedding, I want to see the actual marriage happen. This is like that, it's just a fancy party as they are already married.

No doubt they'll all spin this and make out you're in the wrong but you are not.

You look after you. Your mother sounds like a piece of work and don't get me started on the brother ....

When I fell out with my sister - super mean thing she did /said, my mother refused to support me and told me not to make a fuss. I'm supposed to suck everything up and never make a fuss.

The dynamic in your family is identical. Leave them to it and indeed tell him to stick his wedding up his arse. you weren't 'good enough' to invite to this, why on god earth would you spend a decent amount of money to get to their big day?

You are not being petty, they did this. for actions, there are consequences

don't be a walk over on this, its worth making a stand over - if nothing else, teach them not to be so fucking disrespectful and mean to you again.

I'm also mid 50s, and fuck the lot of them, i am so much happier without them in my life. Truly