Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Well I thought it was. It's a European country. No idea now!

You have every right to be upsest. For the record, my sister had a similar situation where she had to get married in England first. Both sets of parents flew in for the wedding. But they did it 100% in secret, PARENTS ONLY, and no one ever knew about it until years and years later.

In this case, it was only a secret to YOU and that is completely and totally not okay.

I personally would not contact your brother first - this is his error and the onus is on him to fix it. He has been told.
If he did not contact me before the (2nd) wedding, I would not go to the wedding. It takes two to have a relationship and if he cares that little about you and your feelings, there is no salvaging it alone. You are just being a doormat to be walked all over. If he did contact me and apologised/explained/tried to make it right, for the sake of our relationship I would try to forgive and go.
I also would not forget my family who colluded to keep it a secret. I would not forget this and no way would I be willing to put myself out for them if they need something from me. Again, that is the behaviour of a doormat.
Do not let them gaslight you. Challenge it every time they minimise it. Their behaviour was outrageous!

I haven't rtft so apologies if this has already been said, but:

I can understand them both having parents there, and your sister too of she isn't going to the abroad ceremony, and them thinking you ARE going to the big ceremony soon need for you to attend.

BUT the fact that NONE of them mentioned it beforehand implies you were DELIBERATELY not told, and all conspired to keep you in the dark.

^^ THIS is what I couldn't forgive.

My brother is quite a difficult person...... if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.
I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings.

OP this is what stood out to me the most. You give get the impression your relationship is quite one sided and he doesn't treat you with much consideration as he knows you'll always make it up. Have you in the past made excuses for his and maybe your mum's behaviour ?

This time though he's gone one step too far. Personally, I wouldn't go to the far away wedding.

So hurtful. I wouldn't be going to the 'fake' wedding especially if it's abroad. Something would come up that meant I couldn't go after all (and you didn't think it would "matter" to them...! Then I would wish them well and try not to be too upset. I would definitely take a step back too. I doubt this will be the last time you are excluded.

I like the sound of you OP. Be a worm, turn!

They've seriously under estimated you and taken you for granted!

I agree with the first part of this.

Setting aside all the potential reasons/excuses for why you might not have been invited.
They all agreed to keep it a secret from you - and you have no idea who requested that or why? Or why they agreed it had to be a secret

Having agreed on the total secrecy, they then all sent you the photos, (again for whatever reason/excuse) the effect was to rub it in your face.

Then your brother sends the gas lighting text and doesn't reply to yours. And everyone just expects you to shut up and move on?

The biggest and most hurtful thing here that I would feel would be that they've kept you in the dark and left you completely without any explaination.... leaving you to find out at the very last minute and then to sit there wondering why. This is the worst part. Had they provided you with any reasoning, you might feel better, but now you are forced to imagine why, and its easy to imagine the worst and feel more hurt than you needed to be.
That's the worst part of this I think. Complete lack of care for/insight into your feelings.

I agree with you that it's up to your brother to contact you and apologise, your text wishing them well and asking to speak another day was very reasonable. The fact that he's ignored this just adds to the hurt feelings. He's really indicating that he's the one that's hard done by isn't he?
However, it's difficult to comment on what you might do next,I think going to the wedding after this would be really hard. It doesn't sound as if any of them realise how much they've hurt you or feel any guilt about it at all. I'd personally be tempted to withdraw, as this probably isn't the only time they've behaved like this, so I'm not the best placed to advise.
Yet I do agree with pps who have asked what is the end result you want most?... and I'm guessing it's not to be rejected by your family, so I guess that is your starting point.

Then they all started sending me pics
Individually or were they sharing pictures on a group chat? Either way totally insensitive.

No way would I reach out again to the brother. He knows he’s out of order, hence the message on the day trying to force you to say it’s fine. It isn’t fine.

Unfortunately I’ve been on the receiving end of similar treatment from my siblings and now hardly see them. Better for me to have no relationship than to have a fake one where I have to hide my hurt (hurt that they caused but I’m apparently the unreasonable one if I call them out on it). You’re totally right about the gaslighting. They have to all try to convince you it was an ok thing to do, otherwise they are all wrong and they’ll never admit that.

How many siblings does his new wife have? I.e. is it only the one who was there or were others left out too?

I understand if they originally thought just parents, and then because your sister couldn't make the main event including her too, but that doesn't explain why the brides sibling was there as well... Unless they are a small child or something.

And yes it does seem thoughtless not to mention it beforehand but then keep rubbing it in with photos on the day. Would be much better to explain reasoning to you in advance.

If they'd only invited your sister and another friend or relative who can't make the main event as witnesses I think that would have been fine - I know someone who did this, and were just upfront - 'this isn't the important bit but we need witnesses so makes sense to include the people we really wanted there but had good reasons not to fly abroad'. But having brides family from abroad including a sister really muddies the waters and I understand makes it feel more personal.

It may not be personal though, they may just be really bad at thinking these things through!

It’s the secrecy that I would find hurtful.

They’ve all be planning dates, times, venues, restaurants and even flights without so much as one word. It’s gone beyond ignorance.

They must have had some sort of pact to not tell you because otherwise most mums would be going on and on about finding an outfit at the very least.

Gosh, I would have been so deeply hurt by that, OP. What a cruel thing for them all to do.

I guess that only you can decide how you wish to move forward now. It seems like you have a choice - let this go, go to the wedding, and try to smooth things over, knowing that your feelings and person are not being cared for. Or decide not to go to the wedding to protect yourself, knowing this will make the rift in your family obvious and undeniable.

Neither choice is without personal detriment to you, so it's a case of what would be the least worst outcome. Don't decide out of hurt or pride - try to think ahead and imagine what it will be like in five years to keep being made to feel this way or to not have contact with your family. Which one feels like the least worst outcome for you?

By saying what he did in his 2nd message (in reply to your perfectly lovely "Congratulations" text) he was goading you to say something. And you understandably did.

He was probably expecting a "oh no, where was my invite" straight away from you and didnt get it, as his bizarre "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped" seems very out of place.

Nasty.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

OK so there's a clear double standard in how you each get to behave. The downside though is that the rest of a family often side with the 'difficult person' in these situations for obvious reasons - it's easier to persuade the other, reasonable person that they should give in to keep the peace. That's what has happened with you. So you're now in the unfortunate position that this will be uncomfortable and hurtful for you however it works out. That's not fair, I know.

I would still stick to your guns, because this sounds like the tipping point of your family not being great with you for a while. I would go silent on the lot of them. They'll expect you to crack first, so don't. My money would then be on your mum contacting your nearer the 'big day' to persuade you into overlooking it all. Only you can decide that. But since you've said
Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have
I wouldn't now go. Apparently it was ok that your sister couldn't make it. So now the same is true for you! If only they'd included you in the 'formality' wedding..

I'm really impressed by your clear judgement here OP! You're seeing right through it, though it must be so painful.

It looks like what you're dealing with is a group of people who you love, they ought to love you, but in fact they went out of their way to deliberately hurt you.

I'm so sorry. I hope you're feeling validated and supported by these responses.

How utterly bizarre, in that they seem to have gone out of their way not to tell you but then all started to share pictures and stories as if you had known all along and were fine with it. Is it possible that your brother (or mother?) told the others that you had been invited but declined?

I really feel for you.

No one thought to mention it to you once but your step dad didn't forget to send you pics of your mum all dressed up. What a bunch of %&#&'s

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I agree. It doesn't sound remotely clipped, unless you are usually given to writing huge tomes. Your brother has omitted you from his wedding, roped the rest of the family into it, and then they've all rubbed your face in it.

I wouldn't be able to get over that going forward. But you may not need to. Your invitation to the main event must be hinging on a very shoogly peg now too.

Time to re-evaluate your relationship with them all. We go around in life, thinking 'best friends, my bro and me', 'we understand each other', etc. and this is not the case. I would be disgusted with your brother, his wife, your parents - all of them. So unacceptable, so rude, even cruel.

It sounds like you have a close and complicated relationship with them.

As hurt as I would also be, I'm not sure a family fall out / backing out of going to the other wedding will be beneficial to you.
In this situation I'd try to put my feelings aside, go to the wedding, come home and continue as normal. You shouldn't have to do that, but it will be more drama / aggro not to. They've already written the narrative for you to be the unreasonable one. Prove them wrong

Ah op that's very hurtful and I totally get why you'd be gutted by this. I agree his message reads like a guilty conscience.

Personally I think as it's been 3 weeks - I would ring him to try and clear the air. The longer this goes on the more likely it is to fester.

I'd ring, ask about their day and how it went and take that on the chin, and then I'd say to him pretty much what you've said here, that you fully believe that weddings should be about the bride and groom and what they want and what is easiest for them, that the last thing you want to do is argue because you love them, but you are trying to understand why they went about it this way because you felt a bit blindsided by it and finding out the way you did hurt you. And if he says, it's no big deal, I'd say well it is to me because that was your wedding and I would have done everything possible to be there. And if they didn't want you there or they were limited on numbers etc a heads up would have been all you needed so you weren't getting all the photos without knowing a thing about it. I'd say you want to say your bit so you can clear the air and move forwards.

Your message wasn't clipped at all - far more than I would have said in your place.

So he knew he fucked up and instead of saying I am so sorry, I wish I had said it to you first, he poked at you knowing he could spin the argument to be your fault once you reacted.

I wouldn't be contacting him anymore. And I wouldn't be discussing the wedding anymore with family. Even if it was the case that the room could only hold 6 people, that doesn't mean that you couldn't have been outside waiting to celebrate with them afterwards etc.

The whole thing stinks. I wouldn't exactly say "shove your nuptials up your arse" but I'd just be very nonchalant and noncommittal about going to the fake 'do.

It's possible that it snowballed from a "just us and witnesses" to (almost) all the family. But so what? The plan changed and should have been extended to you.
He's still bang out of order.
He knew it
Your dm knew it and your Dsis/DSf knew it otherwise they'd have bloody mentioned it!
Leaving the ball in his court might leave you with nowhere to go though and it will just keep playing on your mind and upsetting you
He'll probably just wait it out and pretend he's no idea you're so upset.
He knows damn well you are!

I do totally understand your feelings, I'd have been hurt too. But you sound like you're in danger of blowing it all out of proportion by saying it's irrevocably changed your relationship and you don't feel like going to his actual wedding now. It was thoughtless of your brother but he wasn't deliberately setting out to hurt you. He obviously has a lot going on organising things and having his in laws coming over, he probably just didn't think you'd be fussed about travelling a long way for it. If I were you, I'd talk to him about it. If you adopt the 'why should I' attitude, you could end up estranged from your family. Your mum is elderly - is that really what you want? Surely it's better to try and sort things out?

I'm so sorry, OP. I can understand how you must be feeling. Personally, I would ditch the lot of them. That may sound harsh, and clearly the idea of a lifelong feud is something that you would ideally choose to avoid. But life is short. And for some that will mean that you need to get on with family and not fall out. But for me it means that you need to focus your time and attention on the people who really care about you. You moved away for a reason, and I think something like this was probably always on the cards. Put yourself first.