Discarded and blocked by my husband after he ended our relationship just before Christmas

[Ria23]

My husband finished with me just before Christmas over an argument over his delinquent 13 year old daughter. His ex wife couldn't cope so she wanted us to have her full time .he asked what I thought and I gave my opinion..he didn't like it.Hes got me out of our marital home ..I spend Xmas and new year at my mums. He's pushing for a divorce and he's also blocked me on everything and I've had no contact at all from him .I also think he's a narcissist.any similar stories I'm really struggling 😫

I don't dislike my step daughter if I dis I wouldn't have stayed 11 years ..I'm just trying to explain how the misgivings from my pint of view has come to this..we went out has a happy family to Manchester not long before this ..his daughter by my side all day....it's just the being with us full time I had misgivings about

I don't really know what advice you're looking for. He's blocked you and asked for a divorce. You've described him as a narcissist. If you really believe that you surely want a divorce too?

Manipulative? I didn't tell her to file for divorce. Telling a woman to look out for her own interests, especially if there are mutual children involved, so that if/when the time comes she can make educated decisions is manipulative? I don't think so.

It sounds as though, mum, dad, and yourself have been stressed and possibly a lot of anxious feelings with step daughter being in trouble at school and out of school.

You are perfectly reasonable to have an opinion on her staying full time as until a parent has experienced a teenager going off the rails then nobody should judge the op for having misgivings at trying to hold down a job whilst dealing with schools, police etc.

I have been in that situation with now adult dc and at the age of 13 they fell in with the wrong peer group and behaviour escalated very quickly to school issues, constant arrests, taking drugs, smashing the house up and a load of issues that no amount of boundaries put in place would stop. Relationships personal and within the extended family were fractured. I called her far worse than a delinquent under my breathe on more than one occasion. It did get better once she got to a certain age and as an adult is mortified at that time in her life.

If your husband has discarded the whole marriage based on opinions or misgivings you have had then that is not healthy regardless if its involving his child as healthy relationships are based on listening and respecting what the other is saying even if it's not what they want to hear and all parties working together to find a solution. I truly hope you get things resolved and sending a hug

move quickly. Get a divorce lawyer. Know your rights. You can always step back later. But if he has thrown you out, seek advice to claim back your rights. And no I don’t always believe in putting the child first as it can cause more damage for all.

What a lovely honest post. I am glad you both got through it. Someone I know is currently going through the same as you did, unfortunately social media is involve these days too to add to the list… calls her child a “nightmare” and that’s her own Mum!

No my children moved out a a while ago and his son is with him half and half ..he's 16 ...my daughter left because she was finding it hard with her step sister stealing her stuff
Me and my children moved out of our home to move in my husband and his 2 children but his daughter soon started rummaging through mine and my daughters things. Husband was aware nothing got done .that's been the pattern with her throughout no discipline from him.yet me and my children still stayed and did our best .its been hard but I've still stuck by hus daughter ..

This is from OP’s updates. This is the same daughter we’re talking about here. OP prioritised her marriage to this prince of a man who failed to discipline his daughter and by this account didn’t much care what was happening to OP’s kids as a result. And yet expected her to prioritise this brat when he made a unilateral decision to move her in full time - and expecting much the same from OP in unpaid childcare, only now on a full time basis. And when the answer was ‘no’ he ended the relationship. Yep, definitely dad of the year.

Actually, there's lots of compelling evidence that children should NOT come first, in nuclear families or step. Prioritising your spouse creates a stronger family unit, relationships are more stable and everyone is happier, including the children.

Not so. See, for example, this thread in which several mothers prioritised their child abuser husbands over their kids. The kids must always come first.

Maybe the word "delinquent" is old-fashioned, but it does express that the teen has some pretty serious problems. I certainly wouldn't want to live with them. But when you marry a man with kids, there's always a possibility that they might come and live with you even when they're adults with their own kids. For him, she's his child and he has the right to have her live with him full-time, if the mother agrees. I think a divorce is best in this situation. To have a step-mum in this kind of mix is just an unnatural situation, anyway. People put up with far, far more from their own kid than anyone who's not their parent. And that's natural.

By shutting out another supportive stable adult that’s been a long term fixture in her potentially turbulent life? Just for expressing an opinion?

Righty ho.

Oh wait - were you just sticking the boot in?

Even if you were being outrageous he still can’t behave like that . It’s disgraceful and even if it’s the end -which sounds really bizarre after one argument - then you still have to discuss it . You shouldn’t be blocked and you need to make arrangements and plans like grown ups . What an embarrassment. You have had a lucky escape but don’t stand for it .
I can’t comment on the argument because there isn’t enough information but this behaviour from him is cruel, immature and controlling.
Did you say something nasty?
Is this normally how he deals with conflict or disagreements? Get rid of him either way because he is untrustworthy.

Brat? I don’t think it’s necessary to resort to name-calling a child.

If you think he's narcissistic why do you want him back?

He doesn't like to hear an opinion unless it's the one that he wants to hear ...he never takes accountability for anything. Also he did say I didn't react how he thought I would so maybe that's wat he didn't like also .

His wife should be his priority. His DD should not take precedence over her. What a way to run a relationship and also badly parent a teenager who has learned that a good strop will oust probably unwanted step-mother. Utterly foolish man who will lie on the bed he has made and regret it.
Divorce him, he has been unfaithful to his marriage by prioritising his DD.

So you have 2 DC each. Your DD has moved out- to her dads? because if her SS behaviour. Where are the other two DC in the family?

And if someone had said to me one of my kids was acting like a feral asshole years ago I would have agreed because 1, I could see things from another perspective, 2, she was acting like a feral asshole and causing havoc in the community and 3, I was never one of those mums to be " oh my darling angel would never do that" and also because I'm not thin skinned enough to take offence or throw someone out for calling out things and having an opinion. Delinquent is a very mild description to be getting het up about or divorcing someone over 🙄
See how the dad copes with the reality of an out of control teenager and schools ringing him and police knocking at the door with the thefts etc as he will no doubt feel how her mother does.

I have done most of the parenting with his daughter ..had her every Saturday for him to work..many nights for him to go out

What do you get out of this relationship with this man? He's treating you like a bangmaid (that's a domestic servant that he gets to shag) and getting you to parent his DD for him.

Get a good family law solicitor to make sure that you get a fair settlement and let the trash take itself out.

My daughter lives with her bf now and my son moved out ages ago too ..he lives with his gf
My husband also has a son who lives with him half and half with the mom

Sorry just read all your other posts . The fact that there is four children involved and that you have known her for so long is disgraceful behaviour from him. Who does he think he is just tearing the family apart without any discussion!? What a terrible example to set to the children about healthy relationships. You are allowed an opinion as a significant adult in her life. She will probably be devastated and when she comes out of this horrible period of her life she’ll need you . What a prick he’s being . I’m sorry it’s happened like this but run away. It will be tough, but in the long run you’re better off without him if he is capable of this . Imagine if god forbid you got sick or some other major stress happened is he going to just run off and block everyone like a teenager!?

You can end a relationship for any reason or no reason. Isn’t that the MN mantra?

There was plenty leading up to this. Your daughter left home because of this child's behaviour and the inability of the adults around her.

All your DH is doing is showing his DD that she can do as she wishes and he'll happily sit by and watch, which IMO isn't a good thing, no one should let a child rule their life to the extent of an outcome that had happened here, and previously, that's not good parenting.

Has you SD been in touch with you?
Has she any idea/held her hands up to how she behaves and how it had effected family members?

As hard as it is for you OP, and I wouldn't just normally recommend anyone end a marriage but I think in this case unless your DH starts realising he's out of order he's going to have a lonely life and a DD that's going to end up well on the wrong side of the law.

So many children grow up to be adults with trauma and mental health issues due to abusive childhoods and raised by narcissistic parents.

So many children grow up in broken families because the parents don't value and prioritise making a strong, stable marriage. Strong, respectful marriage = united, safe, respectful environment for children.

People seem to be confused - prioritising your relationship does not mean the children are ignored or abused, that's very extreme and hysterical thinking. Putting your spouse first does not in any way mean that the household is abusive - that's an abusive household you're thinking of, the clues in the name.

Do you think there might be more to this? Has he met someone else perhaps?

After all you’ve done for his kids and he treats you like this - don’t stand to be treated this way. Call his bluff, speak to a solicitor, get advice on access to your marital home, file for divorce. It might be enough to get him to come to his senses but hopefully by then you’ll realise you’re better off out of this relationship.