Discarded and blocked by my husband after he ended our relationship just before Christmas

[Ria23]

My husband finished with me just before Christmas over an argument over his delinquent 13 year old daughter. His ex wife couldn't cope so she wanted us to have her full time .he asked what I thought and I gave my opinion..he didn't like it.Hes got me out of our marital home ..I spend Xmas and new year at my mums. He's pushing for a divorce and he's also blocked me on everything and I've had no contact at all from him .I also think he's a narcissist.any similar stories I'm really struggling 😫

Of course he can end a relationship if he wants to. It’s the way he’s gone about it, blocking her and kicking her out . It’s immature and shows a clear lack of concern and empathy for the children mostly. All I can go on is her version of events, and if it as she says then his behaviour is disgraceful . His daughter clearly needs a lot of support but kicking the stepmum out shows her nothing but dysfunction and is a terrible example for be setting. You should never have to wonder why a relationship has ended , especially when there are the responsibilities of children involved .

Yes, but neither do you. You’re making the assumption from her replies that she said no, when what she actually said is that she just tried to talk about her concerns regarding it.

I agree with you regarding the moving on though. With a husband that’s not willing to even discuss challenges relating to parenting, before the unforgivable act of throwing her out of the marital home based on it, I’d happily end the relationship myself if I was her.

I completely agree with this . This 13 year old will need as many adults in her life to guide and support her. Showing her that she has unconditional love but still cannot act however she likes without consequences is loving her and giving her coping strategies for adult life . Have stable and loving parents/step parents is only a good thing . He’s taken one of those away from her in a cruel and nasty way . He’s vile .

However bad she is, she's his kid. And if her mother won't support her and have her, then she only has her dad to be with.

So for him, if you didn't want her either, then he only had one choice. It was her or you. And she's his daughter.

I'm sorry but now it seems too late. I'm not sure how he got you out of your home but anyhow, you are out, and I guess there's no going back. I am sorry OP. If you had chance to speak to him or write a letter, maybe that would help.

But also if he is prepared to treat you like that, then I don't think it would be good for you to be in that situation with him :(

Yes and her kids left because the situation became untenable because of his daughter… I can absolutely see why OP’s kids left when his daughter was going through their things and stealing from them. OP tried to do the right thing by everyone, she’s tried to support her DH, her children and her delinquent step child.
enough is enough I say, she’s better off out if it.

He’s done you a favour, I wouldn’t want anything to do with his vile brat of a daughter. Not much you can do really other than accept his decision and get a lawyer to get yourself the best deal possible

ThatsNotMyTeen

He’s done you a favour, I wouldn’t want anything to do with his vile brat of a daughter.

Blimey, that’s harsh. The kid’s parents separated before she was even a toddler (OP says she’s been in the girl’s life since she was 2) so unless there was an extramarital affair involved, the poor kids been toing and froing between both for at least 11 years.

Such behaviour by adults has consequences. A troubled teen is a pretty classic one.

Read my post again and don’t twist it to suit your opinion please, I specifically said…

“There’s obviously been years of poor parenting and at 13 yrs old she knows exactly what she’s doing”.

I can't believe what a hard time you're getting on here.

I can see from your DH's point of view that he feels he should step up, but given what you've described, I agree that it doesn't sound like his daughter's problems will be solved simply by living with you full-time, especially if your work responsibilities mean she'll be left to her own devices. If her mother can't cope even having her part-time, how is it fair of her to put 100% responsibility on your DH and, by proxy, you?

You spoke your mind and it coloured his judgment of you. This doesn't mean he is right, you are wrong, or vice versa, yet sadly it seems like the hill you're both prepared to die on, or should I say the hill your marriage will die on.

You say he's a narcissist - in what way? I don't see any evidence of this in your post. If he is, why is the marriage worth holding on to?

Its not a case of being blind to your child's behaviour, I dont call my kid "asshole" (shouldn't it be "arsehole, btw?) or "delinquent" and I dont accept anyone else calling them that.

Dealing with problem teenagers is hard but parents must accept it is their responsibility and potentially their fault kids are acting up, especially kids as young as 13. If it was me, I would say that I dont need anyone's insulting "opinions" which does not offer any help, I'm perfectly aware of the situation, I'm dealing with it, and dont need an extra pressure of the partner who is critical and clearly dislikes my child.

Wow. The irony of a grown adult calling a child a vile brat must be lost on you.

This is when YOU should have left.

What’s his issue, as you didn’t say no!?

Managing a teenager like that would be hell on earth and of course you had every right to voice your opinion.

You sound like you’ve put up with a shedload from the pair of them.

Maybe it’s actually a good opportunity to call his bluff and cut him loose. What are your feelings about ending the marriage?

Did you change your username or create an account just to post on this thread about how you prioritise your spouse over your children? @Youarenotthecentreoftheuniverse ?

What was he meant to do ? Say no i can't have her full time ??

That’s exactly what he was meant to do, yes. His ex has a partner and you’re deluded if you think he has had nothing to do with this decision. It’s been a ‘her or me’ ultimatum and mum has chosen her partner over her daughter. OP’s DH choosing the opposite doesn’t make it right or better. You can’t wash your hands of a 13 year old child and both parents should be taking responsibility and working with the appropriate support agencies to get DD the help she needs.

OP’s account of this child is one of a manipulative brat who has never had any discipline from a dad who didn’t give a monkey’s about the effect of her behaviour on anyone else in the house. He’s a lazy parent and should have stepped up years ago. No wonder OP doesn’t want the DD full time - she’s probably done most of the parenting on his contact time, with no back up or discipline from him because he wanted to be Disney dad. He’s been part of the problem all along by not providing a stable home environment, with boundaries, and consequences for crossing them. Instead of actually parenting he’s used OP as unpaid child care and now he’s thrown a major strop because OP doesn’t want that situation full time.

Why are posters lauding him for waiting to act as a parent until his DD is in such a mess, and for treating OP in such an appalling and dismissive way ? Why does anyone think he’s in any way fit to be the sole parent now when he’s been part of the problem all along ?

I would imagine she came onto the thread to counter the ridiculous assertion from some posters that a manipulative and delinquent thirteen year old girl should be allowed to take priority in any family unit - step or otherwise - to the point of tearing it apart. OP’s DH has led by example. His behaviour towards OP was applling, but he got his own way. And that’s what DD will learn from him - that bad behaviour will get her whatever she wants.

I think it would be very interesting to hear other sides to this story

Just because her mum should have her half of the time doesn't mean she will or was going too.
Obviously this wasn't a situation that was going to be sorted in that way.
I'm not saying the mum is fine for kicking her child out .I did also put I bet all parental party's have some responsibility in how the 13 year old has turned out so far.
And I bet they would all say they have been perfect. Just like the op does.
My point is you have no actual idea how the op has been other then the brief comments she has put on here. Portraying herself as she perfect step mum.
Like I also said one side of a Obviously complex situation.
If the dad new his daughter couldn't go to her mums then he did not have a choice. A 13 year old no matter how naughty they have been is still more important then his wife . Especially when it comes to be homeless.
Also at 13 she has time to have a more stable home life and turn her circumstances around. At 13 she is far to young to just be told you are to much to handle.
You would think everyone who has posted on this has been a complete saint all their lives and have perfect children .
If the op has any rights on house/money and such she should pursue that . But obviously the relationship is not going to work .

How do you arrive at the conclusion that OP doesn’t like the child ? She’s been the unpaid child care for over a decade and from what she’s said, has likely done most of the parenting for him while he was being Disney dad instead of providing a stable and disciplined environment. If he’s passed off his parenting responsibility to OP and she has forged a relationship with the child as a result, then he really shouldn’t be surprised that she feels entitled to have an opinion on a major life change that will have significant impact on her. His reaction to that opinion should tell OP everything she needs to know and her next stop should be at the office of a good solicitor. There’s no way back from being clearly shown you are neither valued or cared for.

Me too. MN is very one sided in that way. I suspect no-one would come out of this smelling of roses.

but the op presents herself as just very calmly and reasonably outlining misgivings

which I would guess is patently rather underplaying the op’s involvement

How do you arrive at the conclusion that OP doesn’t like the child ?

Oh I don’t know, maybe this opening sentence his delinquent 13 year old daughter.

I agree too

Very well said Rosscameasdoody 👏👏👏

The idea that children always come first is a sentimental one that in real life does not work. For example, how many would turn down a promotion at work because it meant a child changing schools? I hope a tiny minority because the family comes before any individual child.
A marriage is a partnership. A second marriage is also fraught because children want their birth parents (usually) to stay together and teenagers are likely to make strenuous attempts to oust a second partner because they get in the way of the teenager's desire to have mum and dad back together. They are not privy to the dynamics of a marriage and probably do not understand the break-up. But life is not like the Disney film where twins get their parents back together - people usually divorce for strong reasons and a second relationship is a healing process for many.

That's why I say that OP's stepdaughter comes behind her in the OP's DH's priorities. Not far behind, but not so prioritised that he breaks up his new relationship over her - which is exactly what the daughter wants. Now, mum and dad can get back together! Except they won't, of course, and in five or six years the troubled teen will have left home and both parents are on their own with little prospect of a new relationship and happiness for themselves.