Discarded and blocked by my husband after he ended our relationship just before Christmas

[Ria23]

My husband finished with me just before Christmas over an argument over his delinquent 13 year old daughter. His ex wife couldn't cope so she wanted us to have her full time .he asked what I thought and I gave my opinion..he didn't like it.Hes got me out of our marital home ..I spend Xmas and new year at my mums. He's pushing for a divorce and he's also blocked me on everything and I've had no contact at all from him .I also think he's a narcissist.any similar stories I'm really struggling 😫

@Ria23

"a week later after this happened he sent a message when I was at my mums saying the kids would miss me and that he doesn't want to fallout "

Setting aside the issue of his DD, are you saying you have mutual children? And that they are with him?

If this is true and/or the house is a marital asset, then you need to see a solicitor. Well, you need to see a solicitor regardless. Good legal advice is worth its weight in gold.

This.

If I was in his place I would have divorced you for calling my 13 year old "delinquent". God knows what other nasty stuff was said as part of your "opinion".

He realised you are nasty and is picking his child over you - well done him. More parents need to do this.

But what if his child is delinquent?

So you don't believe that a child deserves a full-time parent because they're troubled? He can't force the child's mother to parent her. It's literally not possible. So the argument that she should be doing it is a non-starter.

So his options are to parent her full-time himself or...what? What is the alternative that you have in mind?

The message is manipulative. OP says he’s been ‘undecided’ since the split. Only a matter of time before he realises the enormity of what he’s taken on and wants her back as the unpaid child care she’s clearly always been. The house does seem to be a joint marital asset - they’re living in it as their marital home so OP would be entitled to a share whether or not she has a financial interest. But l agree - good legal advice is what’s needed here. She’d be a fool to go back after he’s shown her how little he cares about her.

I’m baffled as to why users have an issue with OP calling the daughter a delinquent… that is exactly what she is…

A delinquent is described in the Cambridge dictionary as…
a person, usually young, who behaves in a way that is illegal or not acceptable to most people

Perfect description from OP, the daughter steals, she broke into the hairdressers, and her behaviour is unacceptable. Or are we supposed to find a sugary sweet explanation for this appalling behaviour, like ‘she’s a good girl who does naughty things’. Clearly the parents did a shoddy job with her upbringing, you reep what you sow. She 13, she knows right from wrong.
OP is well out if it, and those who are praising him for stepping up, well if he’d stepped up and parented her when she was a small child she would have grown into a stable teenager .

I’m really not surprised he’s cut you out and wants a divorce after the way you’ve described her in your opening sentence. That poor girl obviously has her difficulties and needs supporting parents.

He’s been a shit dad unable or unwilling to parent her and discipline her for the last 11 years. What’s this fucking hero going to achieve now 🤣

No we don't have mutual children I av 2 from previous marriage and he has 2 children from his previous marriage...it's a whole family that's been split up not just me and my husband..my step son and daughter got on really well with my 2 kids ...like I said bo problem with my step daughter moving in just misgivings...

How do you assume that she does the lion's share of parenting when he's been so quick to decide to do it alone?

OP’s description is spot on…
delinquent is described in the Cambridge dictionary as…
a person, usually young, who behaves in a way that is illegal or not acceptable to most people
There’s obviously been years of poor parenting and at 13 yrs old she knows exactly what she’s doing
OP is well out of it.

I have done most of the parenting with his daughter ..had her every Saturday for him to work..many nights for him to go out ...taught her how to cook ...taught her about her periods ...I've been there

Well said 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

The alternative is to get around the table with OP, his ex and her partner and see if they can come to a mutual compromise - assuming the mother loves her child and wants what’s best for her. Which to my mind is not living full time with a man who has such an appalling throwaway attitude towards the woman in his life. And as soon as it dawns on him that OP did the lions share of parenting on his contact time, either it’ll all come crashing down and the girl will end up in care, or he’ll be banging OP’s door down begging her to come back.

Can a 13 year old child cause years of problems? They are early teens, very much still a child. Surely they can’t take accountability and responsibility for ‘years’ of problems? If there was some major problems now - what have the parents done or what is the environment this child is in to cause all these issues years prior? Most parents would take personal offence if someone openly disliked their child, especially if they would be around them a lot and an influence on them. I wouldn’t want someone who disliked my child to be around them and I’d make sure I keep them away.

I’m not understanding why you would want to go back, is that what you’re saying?

I would prefer to split up than stay being a reluctant step parent to a difficult and troubled child that’s not mine, whilst that child’s parents just let me shoulder all the work.

Fuck that shit.

Nothing in your posts suggests narcissism.

It sounds like he felt he had to make a choice between you and his daughter, so he chose his DD. Could your misgivings have come across as reluctance or unwillingness? Or strayed into being disparaging about his daughter - you called her delinquent in your OP which isn’t kind?

I agree with you in an ideal world. But if the ex won’t come to the table, what then?

I was a bit shocked at OP’s last post saying she’d taught the daughter about periods. I would have expected that to be her mother’s job, so I’m not sure we’re looking at mother of the year here.

Read between the lines of OP’s posts and it’s obvious. And he may have been quick to decide to do it alone, but lets see how long it takes him to bang on OP’s door and beg her to come home when he realises he’s wrecked his marriage for a stroppy, out of control teen who doesn’t give a shit about him, or anyone else.

Makes a change for a bloke to choose his child over a woman! If that is the case then fair play to him.

@Youarenotthecentreoftheuniverse

Very good, unfortunately rare attitude.

That’s hard, you prioritised your marriage over your daughter. Now he prioritises his daughter over the marriage.

Some parents do unfortunately tend project onto stepparents when a valid concern is raised about their kids.

I do think the majority of people would have some quiet concerns about this daughter moving in full time given what has happened but as a stepparent the general rule is there’s certain things you just can’t say or get involved in, just let it play out and let the parent parent as they see fit. Bullshit at times as stepparents do so many parent duties but have none of the status…! It’s hard as it’s contrary to general relationship advice about communicating everything.

You’re entitled to your feelings and equally his daughter is entitled to living with her Dad full time. It’s a really hard situation I feel for you. It’s like relationships breaking off due to being long distance, shit but sometimes things are hard to work out.

As an aside I think it’s awful the way he’s blocked you etc, it’s toxic behaviour, does he have form?

I agree, but one would hope that she’d want a proper solution for her DD to get what she needs. I also think there’s a possibility that she’s chosen her partner above her daughter after a ‘her or me’ ultimatum, so she may have doubts about it.