Discarded and blocked by my husband after he ended our relationship just before Christmas

[Ria23]

My husband finished with me just before Christmas over an argument over his delinquent 13 year old daughter. His ex wife couldn't cope so she wanted us to have her full time .he asked what I thought and I gave my opinion..he didn't like it.Hes got me out of our marital home ..I spend Xmas and new year at my mums. He's pushing for a divorce and he's also blocked me on everything and I've had no contact at all from him .I also think he's a narcissist.any similar stories I'm really struggling 😫

I don't see allowing your child to live with you as putting them first, it is just a minimum expectation of parents. It is a legal parental responsibility to provide a home for your DC. Not that any of this matters, because her ex has blocked her and asked for a divorce. I don't think OP demanding that he puts her first is going to change that.

For example, how many would turn down a promotion at work because it meant a child changing schools? I hope a tiny minority because the family comes before any individual child.

both my children were happy and settled and flourishing at school. I turned down a promotion as it meant us moving 100 miles away.

so very bizarre you think a tiny minority would do the same as me

I have no regrets at all

But realistically, what is the likelihood of the relationship in that situation lasting long term? I can't imangine a partner with such low self that they are willing to neglect their child is much of a catch. And I can't imagine that a partner that has such low morals that they demand a child is neglected is going to stick around long term. You can move on and start a new relationship, but you only get one shot at being a decent parent.

For example, how many would turn down a promotion at work because it meant a child changing schools? I hope a tiny minority because the family comes before any individual child.

Surely that depends on the circumstances? I hope most parents would turn down the promotion if it meant a child changing schools during GCSEs or A levels, for instance.

How did he manage to get you out of the marital home?

I mean it does sound as if he's putting his daughter first & you don't seem to have done that for your kids.

OP I'd seen comments on here on bias against step parents and now I see what they mean. Sorry this thread is so overrun with judgment and grand programmatic statements on whether partner or children come first.

Of course the needs of this very fragile 13 year old are paramount, but it doesn't sound like your husband is prioritising them by chasing you out of her life if you've been a constant presence for the last eight years. And ghosting you is just not on.

He has put both his daughter and you in a very vulnerable position by these actions. And he has clearly been failing his daughter for years if her problems have been this evident and he can't put up boundaries.

It does sound like you've been very very forgiving with him - he should have acted to stop his daughter pestering your children, and you should have insisted he do. Anyway, he's not returning the favour and you have to face up to the fact that your happiness was built on you putting up with his/his daughter's crap. You deserve better than that, and you certainly deserve better than what he has been doing recently. He's broken the marriage.

It's a shame for your stepdaughter, but it sounds to me like the best thing you can do is get a good solicitor and protect your interests in the divorce. All the best.

Ok so when a teenager who had firm boundaries, close family relationships and a lot of happy times befriends a peer group who are adverse to authority and trying to fit in said teenager begins skipping school, starting petty thefts, carrying out arson and sneaking out the window or smashing the house up due to being grounded, not listening to anything from anyone that's the parents fault ?

And sorry but it was perfectly acceptable for the shopkeepers who's windows were smashed or the pub landlord who's pub was smashed up to call them assholes.

The breaking point was a kitchen chair being thrown at me after reporting her for setting fire to a building with friends and I am perfectly entitled to call her an asshole for that.

All these years later after sorting herself out she said she doesnt know how I still supported her. A tiny 15 year old at that time was arrested out of my property and it took 6 police officers to restrain her while she had the cuffs behind her back. As I said sometimes its not the parents fault. I didnt bring any of my kids up to terrorise the community or act like complete dickheads. Incidentally out of 4 of my children one went off the rails and they all had the same upbringing.

Not the point of the thread by any means, but

'the poor kids been toing and froing between both for at least 11 years'

On many other threads in MN 50:50 residency is held up as the ideal. Is the suggestion here that it is likely to have contributed to the daughter's issues?

He waited until OP went to stay with her mother and then wouldn’t let her back in. He’s never put his child first - he’s been part of the problem all along, and as soon as he realises what he’s taken on without OP to do the actual parenting he’ll be banging her door down.

Why on earth would OP write him a letter ? He’s shown her exactly who he is so why would she want to be with him knowing he doesn’t care about her and she’s nowhere in his priorities. This was a knee jerk decision on his part - absolutely unnecessary and has resulted in the child losing yet another adult who could have supported her. OP didn’t say she didn’t want the child, she wanted to talk about the practicalities of it. If you read her updates, she’s effectively been used as unpaid child care for over a decade. He’s never parented his own child - that was left to OP. So why on earth people think he’s suddenly father of the year after he’s behaved so appallingly god only knows.

The use of the word is absolutely correct - look it up. What else would you call it?
The problem here is that there is a child of thirteen - well past the age of criminal responsibility - who is courting trouble at every opportunity. OP has said quite clearly that the child has had no discipline from her dad - even though he was aware that her behaviour has impacted on OP and her children. So he’s Disney dad - wants to be her friend not her father. He’s part of the problem, not the solution to it. And as soon as he realises the enormity of the commitment he’s made he’ll be banging OP’s door down and begging her to come back.

OP hasn’t expressed misgivings about the child because she doesn’t like her. She’s expressed them because she knows that him ‘stepping up’ means her doing the work.

The fact that the op doesn’t even slightly admit to perhaps even remotely doing or saying anything wrong leads me to think 🤔

Well said

Yes, I’m struggling to understand why so many MN users are objecting to the terminology ‘delinquent’. If they look in the dictionary they’ll see it describes OP’s stepdaughter perfectly, she is a delinquent

Neither the op nor this man sound like parent of the year given what they’ve the upheaval and drama the kids have endured in the name of their parents relationship

And yet you thought… Hell yes I’ll move in my children and myself into this home with knowing that my partner was shit at parenting and discipline?

Oh for goodness sake shut up and take OP’s post at face value! She reached out for help on here and people like you can’t resist putting the blade in, totally unnecessary!
OP has given 11 yrs to her step daughter, her own DS and DD have moved out because of step daughters appalling behaviour, and now her own mother and step father cannot cope with her delinquency and expects the Disney father to take over full time. Well I’m sure Disney father won’t be long before he’s begging OP to come back!

Don’t get pissy because posters don’t agree with your interpretation of events 😆

Maybe, maybe not, but what is clear is that you are one of those judgemental MN users that likes to put the blade in… feel better now do you Ms Nasty?

No - OP has been on the scene since the child was aged two. How was she supposed to know how things would turn out ? It was only when DD got older that the problems started. Have you read any of the OP’s updates, because it doesn’t seem so ?

I’m good thanks, because I’m not the nasty b**rd

And what of the mother? She has a partner herself and I’d bet money on the fact that her decision to throw DD out is as a result of him giving her a ‘it’s her or me’ ultimatum. So why does she get to be absolved of choosing her partner above her daughter while OP gets castigated for acting in loco parentis for over a decade and deciding that she doesn’t want to do it full time because she knows that her DH stepping up for his DD, realistically means her doing all of the work?

she said the child has been like this since 5

🤷

he’s left her

so now really all the op should be focussed on is getting what’s financially hers

she never needs to see either of them again, which is convenient because it looks like her husband feels the same about her

So your default position is to ignore what she’s actually saying and dismiss it all as lies ? Very convenient.