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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dad hanging round outside bathroom *MNHQ Content warning for abuse*

387 replies

Househunter2025 · 06/02/2025 20:55

I was reading a thread that just got deleted and it's really made me think.

When I was a teenager my dad used to hang around outside the bathroom and my bedroom - I always found it really creepy but nothing else ever happened so I didn't really think it was abusive behaviour - but I always found it really creepy and couldn't stand being near him or alone with him. Never mentioned it to anyone before.

In my 40s now and it still bothers me. I'm hyper aware of my kids dad or other males on the family doing anything to them and it feels beyond all proportion. I don't think other parents have this fear.

A couple of posters on the other thread said they had experienced similar and I was about to reply but then it was deleted.

Don't know what I want from this thread really. I wouldn't mention anything to family - parents are elderly. I don't have sisters. Just want to come to terms with it and put it in perspective I guess.

OP posts:
Knocknockt · 06/02/2025 21:03

It happened to me too. Stepfather used to fiddle with me in the bathroom and beat me too. That was in the 80s. I still have nightmares now.

mother knew it was going on but did nothing.

I’m now working with the police and a knock on their door is imminent. Lots of evidence from
college, doctor, etc. hopefully he will go down.

so many step fathers did this.

OOOtil2025 · 06/02/2025 21:33

My step dad started to fit a condenser fan in bathroom - never finished but holes were drilled in ceiling. Then I notice he started going in loft to look for stuff when I was having a bath. I was fourteen.

I do still think about it nowadays. It makes me sick as I’m pretty sure he was up there wanking. And it took me a couple of weeks to twig so when I wanted a bath I wouldn’t lie down, I’d hunch forward so nothing visible from top, and I’d wash my hair over the sink if he was in.

Id bathe every day usually and I started bathing only once or twice a week.

Squigglesandgiggles · 06/02/2025 21:41

I saw that thread. I hope she does the right thing.

im so sorry so many of you had to go through those experiences. And for those who have spoken out your so brave!
I spoke out and wasn’t believed. Made me feel horrific

OOOtil2025 · 06/02/2025 21:52

Squigglesandgiggles · 06/02/2025 21:41

I saw that thread. I hope she does the right thing.

im so sorry so many of you had to go through those experiences. And for those who have spoken out your so brave!
I spoke out and wasn’t believed. Made me feel horrific

I said nothing. He’s dead now so it doesn’t seem worth it. It would upset people. But I’m also annoyed that I feel that and I really wish I’d said something at the time. My mum isn’t stupid and I’m sure she realised. I’m lucky it didn’t progress further but I never trusted him and made sure I was never ever alone with him, especially if he had been drinking.

livelovelough24 · 06/02/2025 21:53

When I was a young girl (5-6yo), I remember distinctly that my dad would often try to open a bathroom door when my sister was in. Sometimes she would lock it and sometimes she would not. She is four years older then me and had developed early. I often think about it. How did I even think to question this at such an early age (5-6yo), especially in the seventies when nobody talked about child abuse yet, not the way they do now? I felt something was off, so it must have been. I never found a courage to talk to her about it though.😔

Original poster
Househunter2025 · 06/02/2025 22:07

It's frighteningly common. I'm sorry for everyone who experienced this. I'm sure it messed me up relationship wise as a teenager and young adult even though it was fairly minor compared to what many people face. Not feeling safe in your own home with your own family is awful.

OP posts:
Lilliea · 06/02/2025 22:10

I've not had anything like this happen to me, but I am paranoid about it. I have a 6yo and have been single since before he turned one as I can't imagine letting a man into his life.

saraclara · 06/02/2025 22:18

Why was the other thread deleted?

Dappy777 · 06/02/2025 22:25

I have a dark suspicion that this kind of thing was absolutely rife. I have known several women who’ve been abused. None of them ever went to the police. One was sexually abused by her stepgrandad. He used to fondle and kiss her while her mum and gran were in the other room (the arrogance of the old basta*d). In fact, her mum would say “grandad is in the kitchen and wants you to help him.” My friend knew what that meant. I shall never forget her saying that when she was nine or ten he stuck his tongue down her throat in the middle of a park. A woman passing by tutted and said “you shouldn’t do that,” as if he’d just thrown a crisp packet on the ground!! People didn’t take child abuse seriously, and so these filthy, evil men got away with it.

SO many young girls were abused by their mum’s boyfriends. I remember another woman saying bitterly to me “I always had a new stepdad coming in to kiss me goodnight.” I honestly think a lot of men considered it a bit of harmless fun, rather than the abuse of a child. I was thinking about this the other day, actually. We had a weird, creepy male teacher who set up a girl’s football team at school. I remember some announcement at school assembly in connection with the team and everyone laughing in a sort of knowing way. And the teachers joined in the laughter!! Horrible. I would urge anyone who was abused to bring it into the open. I’m sure it isn’t easy, and I understand if you feel you can’t, but if you can, don’t hesitate. We owe it to the young.

JadedVeryJaded · 06/02/2025 22:28

This is why a good mother who’s single NEVER moves a man into the home she shares with her DC.

Keep non biological men very far away from your children. PLEASE.

Original poster
Househunter2025 · 06/02/2025 22:28

saraclara · 06/02/2025 22:18

Why was the other thread deleted?

It was about a sensitive situation, potentially identifiable, about the OP 's daughter

OP posts:
Lilliea · 06/02/2025 22:29

JadedVeryJaded · 06/02/2025 22:28

This is why a good mother who’s single NEVER moves a man into the home she shares with her DC.

Keep non biological men very far away from your children. PLEASE.

This is exactly how I feel. My step dad was thankfully wonderful but I just don't trust anyone to be in close proximity to my DS.

JadedVeryJaded · 06/02/2025 22:30

Knocknockt · 06/02/2025 21:03

It happened to me too. Stepfather used to fiddle with me in the bathroom and beat me too. That was in the 80s. I still have nightmares now.

mother knew it was going on but did nothing.

I’m now working with the police and a knock on their door is imminent. Lots of evidence from
college, doctor, etc. hopefully he will go down.

so many step fathers did this.

Good luck 👏

Original poster
Househunter2025 · 06/02/2025 22:31

JadedVeryJaded · 06/02/2025 22:28

This is why a good mother who’s single NEVER moves a man into the home she shares with her DC.

Keep non biological men very far away from your children. PLEASE.

This was my own dad though.

OP posts:
JadeMember · 06/02/2025 22:31

I don't think other parents have this fear.

I’m so sorry OP what you went through. I didn’t experience anything inappropriate when I was growing up but believe me that other parents have this fear too. When I started dating my boyfriend I had twins DS and DD 7y at the time. When I introduced him to them, I was watching him like the hawk!! And that carried on for years after we moved in together, just for the fear that he could be inappropriate with them. Now DC are 15y and he is completely respectful of their privacy and there weren’t any issues

JadedVeryJaded · 06/02/2025 22:33

I’m sorry for you. It’s easier for mums to keep men away from our DC but I don’t know what to say if it’s your own father. Very sorry.

Benjibas · 06/02/2025 22:35

JadedVeryJaded · 06/02/2025 22:28

This is why a good mother who’s single NEVER moves a man into the home she shares with her DC.

Keep non biological men very far away from your children. PLEASE.

It’s definitely a problem with biological men too.

TriathlonTriathlonTriathlon · 06/02/2025 22:36

I personally know 3 women who were sexually abused by their dad or step dad, only 1 went to the police. It’s a much bigger problem than stats would suggest.

Iloveanicegarden · 06/02/2025 22:45

Househunter2025 · 06/02/2025 22:31

This was my own dad though.

Show quote history

Me too. My memories of childhood are sparse but I remember he liked to tickle me, then Mum would tell him to stop. Then there was the issue of my sexual 'awareness' at a very young age, I didn't like being on my own with him, then when Mum died he got all feely and invited me to 'help' him as he was missing Mum. Awful man. I went NC until I heard that he'd died some time prior. Good riddance!

Thingymajigii · 06/02/2025 22:52

Knocknockt · 06/02/2025 21:03

It happened to me too. Stepfather used to fiddle with me in the bathroom and beat me too. That was in the 80s. I still have nightmares now.

mother knew it was going on but did nothing.

I’m now working with the police and a knock on their door is imminent. Lots of evidence from
college, doctor, etc. hopefully he will go down.

so many step fathers did this.

Wishing you all the very best xx

thestudio · 06/02/2025 22:54

My father never did anything overt - but I always felt he might.

He used to hug me too close.

He had porn mags on his bedside table.

He'd comment on how sexy i was looking. And/or go nuts about me not going out like that .

What a fucking awful man. It's absolutely fucked me up.

Atemporarychange · 06/02/2025 22:55

OP, I totally understand that feeling of not being 100% that something was wrong but feeling off in your gut. I have no recollection of my father doing anything inappropriate to me but sometimes I used to push things in front of my bedroom door before I went to sleep so he couldn’t get in, not that he ever tried to but just in case. I’ve always been so uncomfortable around him and hated him hugging me.

The only thing I can think of that ever happened was that I had thrush or something like that when I was very young and my mum was helping me with the cream and he came into the bedroom whilst I was exposed. I don’t know if he even looked over but I do remember feeling uncomfortable about it at the time, so although I was young I was old enough to remember.

I always wonder if I have repressed something or if my young mind was picking up on something that made me feel so unsafe around him. I can never be certain that I didn’t just have an overactive imagination and there was never anything to fear. I don’t see him much but to this day he makes my skin crawl and I would never leave him alone with my DCs.

Thingymajigii · 06/02/2025 22:57

Lilliea · 06/02/2025 22:10

I've not had anything like this happen to me, but I am paranoid about it. I have a 6yo and have been single since before he turned one as I can't imagine letting a man into his life.

Same here. I am so cautious due to my own horrible experiences with men, including family members.

I have had a boyfriend now for over 18 months and he hasn't met my children and only stays when they're not here. He's not moving in with me so what is the point in bringing him into their lives and disrupting them. I couldn't do it to them.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 06/02/2025 22:58

saraclara · 06/02/2025 22:18

Why was the other thread deleted?

The OP was concerned. She did the right thing.

AnonAnonmystery · 06/02/2025 22:59

Something happened to me when I was about 5 … it’s been locked away at the back of my mind but this and the other thread has brought it back to the surface. My uncle who was staying with us put me in the bath with him ( my parents were out). Nothing happened but the fact it happened was bad enough. It was my mums brother and when my dad found out he hit the roof and laid into my mum. I can’t remember what happened after that but remember feeling very confused.