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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Discarded and blocked by my husband after he ended our relationship just before Christmas

320 replies

Ria23 · 09/02/2025 16:21

My husband finished with me just before Christmas over an argument over his delinquent 13 year old daughter. His ex wife couldn't cope so she wanted us to have her full time .he asked what I thought and I gave my opinion..he didn't like it.Hes got me out of our marital home ..I spend Xmas and new year at my mums. He's pushing for a divorce and he's also blocked me on everything and I've had no contact at all from him .I also think he's a narcissist.any similar stories I'm really struggling 😫

OP posts:
Youarenotthecentreoftheuniverse · 09/02/2025 20:20

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 16:55

Do you have a children @Youarenotthecentreoftheuniverse ?

do you prioritise your spouse over children? I’m guessing by your user name….

Show quote history

I do have children, yes. And, yes I prioritise my relationship with my spouse. That doesn't mean I neglect or abuse my children, or tell them they don't matter or whatever it is that you'd like to cry 'aha!' about. DH and I parent our children with love, compassion and respect, their needs are met - exceeded on many levels - from a united and respectful front.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 09/02/2025 20:20

coldscottishmum · 09/02/2025 19:21

Can a 13 year old child cause years of problems? They are early teens, very much still a child. Surely they can’t take accountability and responsibility for ‘years’ of problems? If there was some major problems now - what have the parents done or what is the environment this child is in to cause all these issues years prior? Most parents would take personal offence if someone openly disliked their child, especially if they would be around them a lot and an influence on them. I wouldn’t want someone who disliked my child to be around them and I’d make sure I keep them away.

Show quote history

It’s unusual for a child to ‘cause 13 years of problems’, however it’s not unusual for some parents to not take responsibility for parenting their child in today’s society.
The buck stops with the parents, poor parenting = poor behaviour. I’ve observed ferrel behaviour in young children and the parents ignoring it, and on occasion finding it highly amusing.
My cousins 3yr old GD told her to f*ck off, cousin thought it was hilarious, I thought it was absolutely appalling. Obviously the child thought herself funny seeing as granny was laughing raucously, I excused myself and left. I feel sorry for the child, she cannot do any wrong in her parents or grans eyes, she hasn’t got a hope of learning respect and good manners.
But parents don’t find it so funny when they hit their teens and they’re out of control, and they wonder why!
Children need guidance, they need boundaries, if those basics are not put in place at an early age children will push and push seeking those boundaries. If there are none they go off the rails.
Everyone needs guidance, someone to respect and look up to, the work place has a boss, school has a headmaster, the ship has a captain, the army has a sergeant, etc etc, CHILDREN HAVE PARENTS, it’s their job to parent!
What the hell is going wrong in the system when we are not allowed to tell children what to do? What would happen on a ship if the captain wasn’t obeyed and trusted, the ship would likely go down. Life has rules, without them we are rudderless, and the current attitude of ‘no one tells me what to do’ doesn’t bode well. It lacks respect.
Teachers have their hands tied, they’re not allowed to teach children right from wrong, and some parents are either too busy, or too lazy.

Original poster
Ria23 · 09/02/2025 20:20

My step daughter is liking everything I put on tiktok and she's screenshot some pics of me from my snap chat ...no she never has to admit she's done wrong..her dad wouldn't allow that..apart from wen the police came to our house about the attempted breaking in her and her friends did at our local hairdressers..she had to sign a police document for criminal damage..but no big punishment off her parents..

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 09/02/2025 20:21

It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong OP. He was talking about having her fulltime, and you had misgivings due to her previous behaviour. It doesn’t seem fair that his ex can wash her hands of their daughter, and force you and your dh into a difficult situation. Maybe your dh is finding it difficult to meet both yours and his dds needs, and has chosen to help his daughter. You can’t blame him for doing that, and I guess it shows you that he is not going to consider you in all of this. He’s made his choice. You need to see a solicitor, get what you’re entitled to out of the property and joint assets. Thankfully you don’t have joint children and can just have a clean split.

CJsGoldfish · 09/02/2025 20:26

Ria23 · 09/02/2025 19:46

He doesn't like to hear an opinion unless it's the one that he wants to hear ...he never takes accountability for anything. Also he did say I didn't react how he thought I would so maybe that's wat he didn't like also .

Honestly, it doesn't sound like the wonderful relationship you are now remembering it to be. Take off the rose coloured glasses.
Your dd left because it was difficult, you stayed.
You clearly didn't want your husbands dd to move in full time and that is ok.
Your husband chose his daughter. That's ok as well. Actually, sounds like you finally spoke up and have been punished for it. After all, you chose him over your dd and he's not willing to do the same.
Look at this as an opportunity. You do not need this man who was ok with your dd feeling she had to leave. The one who never takes accountability for anything.
Sounds like you both need to start doing just that, not a bad thing. Make sure you end up with all that you are entitled to and have a fresh start. Enjoy your own company. Spend time with your kids. Have a happy life, you don't need him

Starlight7080 · 09/02/2025 20:34

MonotoneHerbivore · 09/02/2025 19:42

By shutting out another supportive stable adult that’s been a long term fixture in her potentially turbulent life? Just for expressing an opinion?

Righty ho.

Oh wait - were you just sticking the boot in?

Show quote history

You have no idea how supportive she was.
You have one side of a complex situation.
What was he meant to do ? Say no i can't have her full time ??
He has made his choice all she can do now is move on

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 09/02/2025 20:35

In answer to your OP, I would let him divorce you.

Get a good lawyer and walk away from this. I'm sure a year after the absolute, he will be sick to death of his DD's behaviour and wishing he had never booted you out but that's his problem.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/02/2025 20:35

Personally OP I think you've dodged a bullet- not so much from what you said but the fact his reaction was so childish -rather than him discuss the options fully - and who says he's 'stepped up' - ? We don't know that -

Original poster
Ria23 · 09/02/2025 20:39

I wouldn't come on here asking for advice and then lie ...I'm telling my truth ...I've never commented on here before so I'm not going to lie ..what would be the point ..

OP posts:
Lulabellez · 09/02/2025 20:43

Children do not just go “off the rails” for no reason. Has anyone actually done anything to try and make it right? Therapy? Moved schools? Finding out what the problem is? Or just argued over who is going to have her? She is a child.

Miratea · 09/02/2025 20:43

I think he’s over reacted but you’ll need to agree to have the daughter over and just try and make the best of it

StealthMama · 09/02/2025 20:44

Sounds like you are better out of this situation to be hi eat. If he is as lame as you describe at parenting then he's in for a shit show without you there.

Let home have it.

Get a solicitor and get your ducks in a row so you're not left high and dry.

Original poster
Ria23 · 09/02/2025 20:46

She has been like it from a very early age 5 I would say ..she has seen professionals but she lies a lot so we don't know wats truth with her ...there's a lot more to the story with her behaviour and wat she's done

OP posts:
Wonderi · 09/02/2025 20:47

Ria23 · 09/02/2025 19:02

No my children moved out a a while ago and his son is with him half and half ..he's 16 ...my daughter left because she was finding it hard with her step sister stealing her stuff
Me and my children moved out of our home to move in my husband and his 2 children but his daughter soon started rummaging through mine and my daughters things. Husband was aware nothing got done .that's been the pattern with her throughout no discipline from him.yet me and my children still stayed and did our best .its been hard but I've still stuck by hus daughter ...

Sounds like you should have taken a leaf out of your DH’s book and put your kids first.

You moved your kids into someone else’s home and instead of moving back out, they were forced to leave.

You thought it was ok to move your kids in his home full time but now have an issue with him wanting to do the same.

I can absolutely see why he’d end the relationship with you.

Yeahno · 09/02/2025 20:51

What you need to do is start divorce. What else?

BoundaryGirl3939 · 09/02/2025 21:02

What percentage of the marital home do you own? It all seems like too much hassle. I would split from him. You need to visit a solicitor and your assets back. Who owns the marital home? How much did you invest in it? You shouldn't have left the property.

If he is a narc, I would be careful as he could try paint you in a terrible light.

Trumptonagain · 09/02/2025 21:13

Youarenotthecentreoftheuniverse · 09/02/2025 20:20

I do have children, yes. And, yes I prioritise my relationship with my spouse. That doesn't mean I neglect or abuse my children, or tell them they don't matter or whatever it is that you'd like to cry 'aha!' about. DH and I parent our children with love, compassion and respect, their needs are met - exceeded on many levels - from a united and respectful front.

Show quote history

Agree....

It's not a case of prioritising your spouse over DC though, you shouldn't have to, its a parents job to set out boundaries and basic rules from the onset, yes kids will sometimes push those boundaries but parents also need to show a united front if and when those boundaries are broken and stand firm on dealing with it not just letting it slide.

Children that are bought up thinking that they rule the roost and consequences aren't for them end up in exactly the same situation as the OP DSD has.

MellowCritic · 09/02/2025 21:19

Ria23 · 09/02/2025 16:46

His daughter shop lifts from every one of our local shops to which she's been banned..she's tried to break into our local hairdressers with her friends to witch this is on police record .she has caused lots of problems for me and my husband also for her mum and new husband...she lies a lot ..goes off after school for hours without saying anything. Her behaviour has been happening for a long time .police called numerous times..she's naughty in school.my opinion was that we would find it difficult too to have her full time and around our jobs etc..we were having her half and half with her mum anyway..and I also have said that it wouldn't change her behaviour her living with us .

Op listing every single awful thing she does is an attempt on your part to lower this child's value as a human being .. the only point that matters is.. you might want to sit down for this... ITS HIS CHILD!

daisychain01 · 09/02/2025 21:20

You have a couple of options that I can think of

either return to your house (where you lived before you moved in with your DH and his DC) and give things time to cool down. Maybe your DHs sudden change of character has something to do with the stress of his daughter's behaviour and he needs space to focus on her needs. Keep in touch and see how things go over the coming months.

or decide the relationship has run its course and let him make the next move re the divorce.

Flustration · 09/02/2025 21:27

I think it's a shame that some of the things you put in your later posts weren't in your OP, because it does sound like you have a good relationship with your DSD and that you have been left to do the majority of parenting.

A good Dad puts his daughter first, but that doesn't appear to be what he's doing. Delegating all the parenting to you is not being a good Dad. Sulking and threatening to split up with you (which I highly doubt he'll do) is not being a good partner. It's just his way of trying to pressure you into doing more unpaid labour.

Pistolpunk · 09/02/2025 21:29

Lulabellez · 09/02/2025 20:43

Children do not just go “off the rails” for no reason. Has anyone actually done anything to try and make it right? Therapy? Moved schools? Finding out what the problem is? Or just argued over who is going to have her? She is a child.

Unfortunately some do go off the rails, no matter how great the parenting. Peer groups, raging hormones and pushing back on boundaries that was respected in the years before becoming a teenager. My now 26 year old would say that now to anyone who asks that she was a complete terror to be around from the age of 13 to age 17 and it was the community who was terrorised from shopkeepers, pubs etc with smashing windows to more serious crimes of arson. The reason why, falling in with the wrong crowd. Luckily for the community and herself she came out of it. Some of the people she hung around with weren't so lucky and either addicted to drugs, dead or in jail. Some kids of course go off the rails for being brought up in not so great circumstances etc. As parents all we can do is strive to equip our kids with the right values growing up and get them through the teenage years unscathed, but ultimately choices and paths they choose to take is down to them.

At that time all support she refused to engage in apart from colourful language aimed at the professionals or full on assaults towards the police etc. 6 police officers to restrain a tiny 15 year old who was doing a matrix on them while the cuffs were behind her back, because engaging with the professionals was deemed as weak within her peer group at that time. As an adult she saught out the correct supports and has turned her life around but it was a long road towards that.

Copperoliverbear · 09/02/2025 21:56

He's done you a massive favour and you have had a lucky escape, new year, new start be Thankful for the new life you will have , eventually you will be glad.

EmmaMaria · 09/02/2025 22:05

Flustration · 09/02/2025 21:27

I think it's a shame that some of the things you put in your later posts weren't in your OP, because it does sound like you have a good relationship with your DSD and that you have been left to do the majority of parenting.

A good Dad puts his daughter first, but that doesn't appear to be what he's doing. Delegating all the parenting to you is not being a good Dad. Sulking and threatening to split up with you (which I highly doubt he'll do) is not being a good partner. It's just his way of trying to pressure you into doing more unpaid labour.

Yes, it's very unfortunate that the OP didn't include all of those later things in their several first posts. You might almost think that they were re-writing history....

BoundaryGirl3939 · 09/02/2025 22:33

Get away from him. It only gets worse with narcissists.

Livelovebehappy · 09/02/2025 22:33

Grammarnut · 09/02/2025 19:46

His wife should be his priority. His DD should not take precedence over her. What a way to run a relationship and also badly parent a teenager who has learned that a good strop will oust probably unwanted step-mother. Utterly foolish man who will lie on the bed he has made and regret it.
Divorce him, he has been unfaithful to his marriage by prioritising his DD.

Edited
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Give over. Of course his child’s welfare should take priority. She’s a child and needs guidance, preferably with his wife by his side, but what do you suggest he does? Ditch his dd?