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Original poster

Dating a divorcing man

434 replies

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

OP posts:
ReginaMolesworthy · 08/02/2025 15:53

My biggest tip Don't get involved OP.

I say this as someone who's got the T-shirt.

They just aren't stable enough until about 2 years after the separation.

Of course he doesn't want to lose you. He sees you are a nice soft place to land and a backstop.

No,no,no !

category12 · 08/02/2025 15:54

End it. Date other people.

Tell him to hit you up in a years time if you're still single.

Notgivenuphope · 08/02/2025 15:55

Run as fast as you can. You deserve better.
Better than a man who doesn’t know what he wants and probably hands over a chunk of his salary to another woman.

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:57

Problem is I don't want to end it. We are very close after 4 months and we have so much in common and genuinely align so well emotionally and physically. He's the first person I've connected so well with in literal years!! So I don't want to end things, but looking more for tips on if people have been going through a divorce and been in a similar situation so I could get their perspective. Or people like myself who have dated divorcing men.. Did it work out?

He has been separated for over a year if relevant..

OP posts:
Dror · 08/02/2025 15:57

He has openly told you he is not ready to date.

He needs to be single, recover from his failed marriage, focus on nothing but his kids. Only a shit father would be seeking out a girlfriend over parenting his kids through this distressing life event.
Believe him. Don't hang around waiting for some bloke to want you.

Only date brilliant, single men who improve your life.

Doggymummar · 08/02/2025 15:58

What do you mean by proper relationship? How will it differ from today?

Hollythedogwalker · 08/02/2025 15:58

Have you told him what you need, he seems to hold all the cards?

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:59

Want to add that he has been separated for around 15 months.. so it's not a new separation.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 08/02/2025 16:00

How can you be exclusive when he's still married?

Plus, do you really want to be the rebound?

TwistedWonder · 08/02/2025 16:00

And that’s why dating a separated not yet divorced man is never a good idea.

They very rarely take time to do the work on themselves and just jump out of one bed into another.

But you say you don’t want to it despite the red flags so all we can do is say is tread carefully

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:01

Doggymummar · 08/02/2025 15:58

What do you mean by proper relationship? How will it differ from today?

I totally agree with you! But that is what. He says ...

From Mt perspective we kiss /cuddle /hold hands /go on dates /have sleepovers /met his family / have been away alone together/ talk all the time etc. So I agree with you fully. To me we are together already...
Think he has issues with the term girlfriend, he prefers to say we are dating and seeing each other, and working toward a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:02

outerspacepotato · 08/02/2025 16:00

How can you be exclusive when he's still married?

Plus, do you really want to be the rebound?

As in we only date one each other ? We are exclusively dating.
His ex is in a relationship.

OP posts:
penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 16:03

You're dealing with a commitment phobe who enjoys your company but doesn't want the strings attached. I would sit with him and have a serious conversation where you both get to lie your cards on the table. Be honest and let him know what you want, it may be monogamy, marriage, live together or adopting a dog. Let him know how commitment look like for you and see if he shares a similar vision for the future. You don't want to waste your time if you both want different things.

GrantMitchell · 08/02/2025 16:05

Do his quibbles go as far as not having sex with you? Or is he able to bravely commit to that?

He sounds like an emotionally unavailable fuckwit as Bridget Jones would say.

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:06

penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 16:03

You're dealing with a commitment phobe who enjoys your company but doesn't want the strings attached. I would sit with him and have a serious conversation where you both get to lie your cards on the table. Be honest and let him know what you want, it may be monogamy, marriage, live together or adopting a dog. Let him know how commitment look like for you and see if he shares a similar vision for the future. You don't want to waste your time if you both want different things.

We have discussed this already. He is potentially open to marriage again, but not certain. And he is currently living with his parents but is trying to buy a property. He has said similarly that he would not want to live with someone for a few years. I don't mind that too much as obviously there are kids involved.

OP posts:
thrive25 · 08/02/2025 16:06

First post nails it: this is all about HIS needs, not yours!

Source: been there, wish I hadn't

outerspacepotato · 08/02/2025 16:06

He has legal ties to another woman so you can't say you're exclusive. You said you met the family, does that mean kids?

He won't even call you his GF and you've been seeing this married guy for 4 months. He doesn't see this the same way you do.

Oh no, living with his parents? And kids involved? How old is this married king?

Dump and run!

ReginaMolesworthy · 08/02/2025 16:06

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:57

Problem is I don't want to end it. We are very close after 4 months and we have so much in common and genuinely align so well emotionally and physically. He's the first person I've connected so well with in literal years!! So I don't want to end things, but looking more for tips on if people have been going through a divorce and been in a similar situation so I could get their perspective. Or people like myself who have dated divorcing men.. Did it work out?

He has been separated for over a year if relevant..

When you mean 'separated" is this as in living apart with a legal separation or just living apart awaiting a divorce?

And when does he expect to be divorced?

I've dated 2 men who were divorced (one divorced 12 months, one divorced two years.)
They didn't work out because the first one had a wobble and decided he wanted to go back to his ex-wife, and the second one was still having sex with his ex-wife 😮

bananascentedhair · 08/02/2025 16:07

You're headed for heartbreak OP. I've been where your partner is and honestly he likely is no where near ready to be seriously dating, and he's pretty much telling you this.

Your best chance of having anything long term with him is to walk away, let him be single... do what he needs to do, perhaps date other people (you do the same!) and in time if it's meant to be, you guys can reconnect.

I can almost certainly guarantee he's going to be wanting to experience the single life after being in a long term relationship, and you standing in the way of that will only end in your hurt.

penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 16:08

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:06

We have discussed this already. He is potentially open to marriage again, but not certain. And he is currently living with his parents but is trying to buy a property. He has said similarly that he would not want to live with someone for a few years. I don't mind that too much as obviously there are kids involved.

Show quote history

You guys seem to be on the same page then, so where's the problem? 🤔

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:09

ReginaMolesworthy · 08/02/2025 16:06

When you mean 'separated" is this as in living apart with a legal separation or just living apart awaiting a divorce?

And when does he expect to be divorced?

I've dated 2 men who were divorced (one divorced 12 months, one divorced two years.)
They didn't work out because the first one had a wobble and decided he wanted to go back to his ex-wife, and the second one was still having sex with his ex-wife 😮

Edited
Show quote history

Living separately, the forms have gone in, and they are going to sell the house they owned together

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:11

penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 16:08

You guys seem to be on the same page then, so where's the problem? 🤔

Show quote history

The problem is him saying 95% of the time he wants a proper relationship where he calls me his girlfriend and introduces me to his kids, and then the other 5% of the time(the two wobbles) where has expressed not being ready for that.

OP posts:
OverthinkingOlive · 08/02/2025 16:11

Honestly don't do it. I dated a long term friend when he was going through a divorce and he never committed to me because even though he didn't know it at the time his head was all over the place. If things had started a couple of years down the line maybe things would be different and maybe they wouldn't. But it was what it was and the friendship was killed. I was absolutely devastated.

Stay away from anyone who hasn't been fully divorced for at least a year. Let them sow their wild oats otherwise you'll be the oat. And trust me - it will hurt.

category12 · 08/02/2025 16:11

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:57

Problem is I don't want to end it. We are very close after 4 months and we have so much in common and genuinely align so well emotionally and physically. He's the first person I've connected so well with in literal years!! So I don't want to end things, but looking more for tips on if people have been going through a divorce and been in a similar situation so I could get their perspective. Or people like myself who have dated divorcing men.. Did it work out?

He has been separated for over a year if relevant..

Yeah, but he keeps telling you he's not ready, it's not a proper relationship and having "wobbles".

I'd never recommend hanging on for crumbs and hopes. It just teaches him you don't value yourself.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/02/2025 16:12

How long was he married for and with her before that? 15 months isn't that much time to be separated imo and his behaviour is clearly showing he is not ready for a relationship and should probably be in therapy.

Sorry but if you keep allowing him to treat you like this then you are going to get hurt, be sensible and end things for your own sake or do you like the drama of it all?