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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating a divorcing man

434 replies

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

OP posts:

penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 22:07

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 21:08

He is saying that the weight of proceedings and the house sale coupled with the unknown of where him and his children are going to end up living is burning him out. I don't dispute that that is true, it sounds a lot !

I have to agree with him OP... he has much bigger priorities at this time such as finances, logistics, the wellbeing of his children etc... and that makes him a good guy (in my eyes). Clearly his energy is being spend entirely on top priorities, a relationship is not one of them for the moment which is quite understandable. I would run in the opposite direction if I were in your shoes and he told me "lets nest together, forget about my money and kids!". If I were you I would let him get his shyte together and don't pressure him (I'm pretty sure he has enough of that). Take this relationship with a pinch of salt and keep your options open, cultivate your friendships and other relationships. Let him know (kindly) that he doesn't get the privilege of your exclusiveness till you don't feel in a safe space and a committed relationship. Sorry but as much as you understand his circumstances he needs to understand yours.

Gymbunny2025 · 08/02/2025 22:39

GrantMitchell · 08/02/2025 16:05

Do his quibbles go as far as not having sex with you? Or is he able to bravely commit to that?

He sounds like an emotionally unavailable fuckwit as Bridget Jones would say.

Ha ha I suspect he's being brave in that respect. Just terrified of everything else strangely!

DebOnDating · 08/02/2025 22:47

You are wasting time with a married man. Even when he goes through this, his feelings won't turn off like a switch! Sometimes people even get back with their spouses for one more try before the divorce is finalized. Even if he doesn't, the most he can offer you is a rebound situationship because he will not be truly emotionally available for a long time.

Don't invest any more emotions in this. Date him if you want to, but date other men as well. This guy is just lonely and scared. He is not capable of loving you right now.

DearOwl · 08/02/2025 22:49

Oh dear.

I understand how hard this is but all you're showing him here is that you'll put up with any old nonsense. Nonsense that includes him actually saying to your face that he doesn't want a relationship.

He clearly likes you and likes having you around. But he doesn't like you enough to make any sort of commitment

And meanwhile, you're in love with him and showing him you're happy to accept the scraps he's prepared to throw you

So -it's clear you'll carry on. You want to hear that it'll all be fine and maybe it will but these issues this early on tend to indicate there'll be bigger issues further down the line

You really want all this aggro a few months in?

You've been warned. He's actually warned you himself. Your best bet would be to gather up your dignity and tell him you're not prepared to hang around while he decides whether he 'may' want a relationship further down the line - and mean it

I suspect you won't though so I think the could be one that you'll have to leave the hard way

DearOwl · 08/02/2025 22:51

Is he ever too 'burned out' to have sex? Thought not.

BetterWithPockets · 08/02/2025 22:53

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:47

Could you please explain your situation? What was his behaviour like when dating , when did he commit ? How long had he been separated etc ?

He has committed to exclusivity which is a positive sign but not girlfriend status.

Show quote history

The thing is, I can explain everything you ask — but it doesn’t mean your situation will be the same… He was keen to commit (keener than I was initially!) although we also went through a few wobbles (mostly on my part, but a couple on his). He’d not been separated very long at all but their relationship (according to him) had been over for a while. It was all quite complicated for various reasons (I subsequently heard this from his ex as well as him) but I think he was definitely ready to move forward. I don’t think we ever talked about exclusivity though, or terminology. (I never called him my boyfriend!)
I hope things work out for you. X

Lala87 · 08/02/2025 23:29

It will end in heartbreak.

It shouldn't be this difficult.

This whole thing about "seeing each other/dating" its just a childish way of being able to keep you there for what he's getting now, but if he happened to dip his toe in the water elsewhere and you were to be upset... Well that would be your problem as he did say you weren't in a relationship and we're just dating!!!

Been there done that, it won't work in your favour. You deserve more than this. Step away and if it's really meant to be he will realise that and give you the relationship and exclusivity that you want.

dorathexplorer · 08/02/2025 23:38

ReginaMolesworthy · 08/02/2025 16:36

@Anon645 "he says we are working towards a relationship and when we are officially in one then he will call me his girlfriend "

what does this even mean ?🤔

It sounds like a load of bollocks to me.

dorathexplorer · 08/02/2025 23:40

"
He has been separated and living apart for 15 months already... Is this much different than being officially divorced for a year ?"

Yes it is very different as he would have been apart for much longer - divorced for a year plus all the separation time.

@Anon645

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/02/2025 23:47

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:57

Problem is I don't want to end it. We are very close after 4 months and we have so much in common and genuinely align so well emotionally and physically. He's the first person I've connected so well with in literal years!! So I don't want to end things, but looking more for tips on if people have been going through a divorce and been in a similar situation so I could get their perspective. Or people like myself who have dated divorcing men.. Did it work out?

He has been separated for over a year if relevant..

People telling you to end it are likely speaking from experience and knows how this story goes which is you being messed around and strung along for years. Please read the book why men love bitches and think - is he meeting my needs right now? If he's not then you need to have firm boundaries with him to make him respect you and incentivize him to sort his shit out

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/02/2025 23:48

You need to stop sleeping with him unless he's your boyfriend

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 23:54

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:57

He has been separated for over a year if relevant..

You need to cool your engines.

He's telling you where he is and you should listen.

Easier said than done, but this is one sided at best and stringing you along at worst, and you keeping on trying and hoping is going to have the same result as giving up now, only with more time invested

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/02/2025 23:54

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/02/2025 23:48

You need to stop sleeping with him unless he's your boyfriend

Also, you need to say 'ok so we're not in a relationship we're just dating. In that case exclusively dating doesn't work I'll consider myself open to dating others. I don't feel comfortable sleeping with someone while I'm dating others so we'll not sleep together but we can keep getting to know each other and if we both agree we'll be a couple well Get back together'

He needs to fear he will lose you to another man to commit

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 23:56

And you are too invested in this bloke after just four months.

Original poster

Anon645 · 09/02/2025 09:02

I'm definitely going to stop the physical aspect as I don't want to do it any more. He said that he wants to keep going out on dates and phone calling etc ? Could that work?

OP posts:

Original poster

Anon645 · 09/02/2025 09:06

It's so hard because we are so close and as I've said previously I have never aligned so well with someone mentally and physically. We share literally all the same interests, likes /dislikes, political views, films/books etc. It is genuinely fantastic !
Which is why I feel I can't give him up my side. I did wonder if I should suggest we just. Be friends for now until proceedings conclude but then I don't want him to date anyone else. Argh.

OP posts:

ReginaMolesworthy · 09/02/2025 09:09

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 23:56

And you are too invested in this bloke after just four months.

This

TwistedWonder · 09/02/2025 09:15

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 23:56

And you are too invested in this bloke after just four months.

100% - plus I might be getting old but I don’t understand the whole were exclusive, having sex, building a relationship but you’re not his gf.

A man who really wants to be with you would be pulling out all the stops to ensure you know you’re together. And after 4 months he knows if he sees you as a gf or not.

I think because you’re so invested, your rose tinted glasses are blinding you to the glaring red flags here

penelopelondon · 09/02/2025 09:57

Anon645 · 09/02/2025 09:06

You can continue seeing him if you fancy the guy so much, you only live once after all. Do keep in mind that it's only 4 months and you're opening threads about him and he's telling you he's not ready for a relationship which means that you're going to get hurted down the line. If you're ok with heartbreak and your self esteem in the dumps then by all means continue seeing this guy. if I were you I may continue some sort of friendship (as you guys have so much in common) but no exclusivity or sleeping with him. Let him sort out his life. You concentrate on your life and your other relationships. If this is meant to be he'll get back to you once he gets sorted.

witwatwoo · 09/02/2025 10:05

You're putting him on a pedestal, this won't end well

Christl78 · 09/02/2025 10:09

If he has split less than a year ago and hasn’t done therapy forget it. He is not ready. And I am saying this as a divorcing woman.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 09/02/2025 13:02

4 months in and your not happy, hes telling you clearly he isn't ready, Just step back and let him get his divorce, home and family arrangements sorted. Hes got too much on his plate to invest the energy you need right now.

dorathexplorer · 09/02/2025 13:04

Anon645 · 09/02/2025 09:02

I'm definitely going to stop the physical aspect as I don't want to do it any more. He said that he wants to keep going out on dates and phone calling etc ? Could that work?

Do you want to be his therapist to see him on his way to his next proper relationship ...when he is ready blah blah ..

DearOwl · 09/02/2025 13:27

He wants to keep calling you and having dates? What are you, his support crutch? His therapist?

He's really stringing you along here - no matter how much you both like Chekhov or going on political rallies or wherever - he is using you as an easy option while he goes through a break up with another woman

Original poster

Anon645 · 09/02/2025 18:44

For the few that have suggested a friendship with him temporarily yes that would be better than no contact but it makes me sick that he would technically be free to date/sleep with other women if he chose then

OP posts:

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