Dating a divorcing man

[Anon645]

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

Does anyone think if we carry on as we currently are (going on dates, having nights in, being intimate, talking all the time etc) that there is a possibility that when proceedings have ended and the dust has settled that he may ask me to be his girlfriend then?

If he’s really not in a place to commit and is keen on you, what makes you think he’ll go off and date other people?

Could you say you’ll stay as you are for 4 or 6 months and review it again then? No pressure?

Look, If there is a chance for this to work it will only happen If you split now and keep some minimal contact.
At this point, after a long marriage one must:

1. have some casual flings, have fun
2. Don‘t enter a serious relationship.
3. Have therapy
4. remain single for at least one year
5. get divorce proceedings under way and at least agree on finances/custody ec

Only after these can someone be ready for a new relationship. I know it’s difficult but better to cut it off now. Don’t be his rebound relationship. Instead give yourself a chance to be hos long term one. If it doesn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be

OP: You're playing the "pick me" game and need to raise your bar with men.

OP - you do seem quite despite to cling on to this man despite him not really being as into you as you are to him. You seem ridiculously over invested for a very short term relationship.

Honestly, there’s nothing you can do to make him be with you unless that’s what he truly wants. Keep doing the pick me dance will just barter your self esteem which tbh seems pretty low anyway.

I think you’re setting yourself up to have your heart broken tbh

So if its in your words 'a very short term relationship ' is it normal that he won't call me his girlfriend and call it a relationship at this stage then ? X

My instinct, for what it's worth, is that for him to really want you, you must pull away now.

Otherwise you'll be "shoulder to cry on"-zoned.

If you split up and he dates other people then there's your answer, he's not that into you. If he doesn't, and chases you, there's also your answer.

Saying that, I understand it would take supreme self-discipline and very high self-worth to split up now. But you've got it in you! All the best.

No I’m afraid. He should know by now if he wants you to be his girlfriend or not. If he really wanted it that is exactly what you would be right now. Don’t put your life on hold waiting and hoping for something that probably will not happen. You can take control of the situation rather than be a bystander in your own life. I honestly wish you all the best.

No but then this whole exclusive/non exclusive nonsense is just ridiculous to me. Once you’re dating and sleeping together you’re a couple imo if it’s a week/month whatever.

4 months as way long enough to know what your status is - in fact 1 month is imo

It doesn't matter really what his divorce status is, it will get sorted eventually. What matters is how he feels about you. It's ridiculous he's not prepared to call you his girlfriend now imo. It's like you're a "fine for now." He's telling you he's not that bothered about you. You're worth more. Next time he starts saying he's not sure, say ok and leave him to it, and find someone who IS sure. One sided love really isn't enough.

Honestly I agree with you, to me we are a couple as we are exclusive. I totally agree with you. I'm just repeating what he has said... but I hold the same opinion as you.

He has said he feels comfortable defining us as dating and said he may be in de ial but he isn't comfortable with the terms 'bf/gf'and 'relationship '

Why are you so desperate to cling onto this bloke? No one here can answer your question as we don't know him

I don't want to sound harsh and sorry if I do but he will pick up on this desperation to hang onto him and he will use this to his advantage

This with bells on

No.

He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He has told you he isn't ready. What he wants is casual sex and a free therapist - which you are providing.

Four months and you are being ridiculous with the level of attachment to an unavailable man.

You aren't listening to anyone who tells you to end it. Enjoy your heart ache and your next thread because he's dating someone else.

I went through this 10 years ago.

Dated an ex work colleague who I'd known for 10 years before that, and we were brilliant work friends. In fact, I'd told him to propose to his wife very ironically.

His wife had an affair. He told me a few months later. We slowly got together.

He was someone I wanted to marry. We both have kids. We adored each other, and it worked for about 2 years. Then, the divorce process started. Ex found out about me, and I am sure started derailing things. He became an emotional wreck as she played the kids off against him.

It was a very difficult mess that I took the decision to walk away from. He was devastated, but I'd become the rock and support, and I knew I did not want to support him through his divorce. I had my children to focus on, and i was becoming very stressed. He had to go through it alone and exit before we could continue.

It never did. I realised in fact that we weren't suited. I don't see him at all anymore, which is a huge loss.

I would really recommend you end it and allow him the space to get his divorce complete before you enter his life fully. Four months is easy to step back from. A year isn't. If he feels strongly, he will act quickly and come back to you. Meantime, carry on and enjoy your life. See what happens.

Good luck.

Think about it like this. He's willing to tell you something offputting...that he isn't ready for a relationship. Never mind that it's 5% of the time. He was willing to tell you that, probably one of the most disconcerting things someone could say in a relationship, fairly likely to scare some people off or at least seriously trip up a new relatiobship. He's not willing to even use the term girlfriend. Another thing which would put a lot of women off because...what on earth is the big deal? What's so problematic about calling it what it is? Think about it. He's willing for you to be put off enough that he's still told you this. Pay attention to that. Because...see if he turns round in 3 months, 6 months or 2 years and says...I said I didn't think I was ready. Well, he did. Do not go down this road. It doesn't lead anywhere

I have a feeling on how this is going to end: Right now you're chasing him to commit, you want to be his GF, him not (yet he wants all the benefits that come with it, cheeky).The ball is in his court right now and he knows it. As you continue seeing each other while hoping he turns you into his GF you'll further entangle and more wobbles will happen. Your frustration with him not wanting to commit will grow, he will feel the pressure and won't like it because he's already under a lot of it. He'll keep reminding you that you're not his GF, this will cause you to fight back and demand comittemnt, he will run to the hills. It's bad enough to have an ex pressuring you and having to rebuild your life let alone getting into a new relationship were you're being pressured too. At some point he will realise he's had enough of women running his life and will like to be single for a while. You will feel frustrated because you've emotionally invested in him but he'll come up with "we were just dating, I never promised you anything".

Hi Op There is only one solution end it, which others posters have said. You deserve better despite being in love.

It is odd for someone to say in a relationship but not G/F.

Suggest that you re read this post if not already as there are far too many red flags simple as that.

Good luck Op

This sums it up perfectly.

I can think of plenty of girls who starting dating a guy who told them "I don't want a serious relationship"/I'm not ready to settle down yet". They didn't listen and allowed themselves to get involved.

Things carried on with them having sex with the guy and in one case going on days out with her DCs..
The next development was they were in tears at work because they'd found out he was on a dating app/was still seeing his estranged wife/hadn't told his family about them etc etc.

When they complained he played his get-out-of-jail-free card "I told you I didn't want anything serious".

Don't swell the ranks of these disillusioned females OP.

I think if you strip it all back what he is saying is he doesn't want a relationship with you. He wants FWB. Think very very carefully about continuing if you are not ok with this. Because you will get your heart broken and he will simply walk away

You just don't want to listen to the advise being given here. If you pull away from him now, and focus on building your own life, friendships, interests etc, you will get some perspective on things. He has a lot on his plate and you are not, cannot be, a priority for him. I doubt very much that he is in love with you. Let him go. When his divorce is through, if he's meant to be with you he will seek you out. If you are still single and interested then see where things go.

Date other men.

I think he's keeping his options open. What's wrong with a girlfriend label? I don't understand his hesitation. It's like he doesn't want to say he has an ex wife and an ex girlfriend if it doesn't work out (which suggests he isn't confident it will).

I wonder if he has rebounded and you're keeping his bed warm.

I separated from my ex and began dating about six months later (ex cheated and I said we were done). Dated one guy for maybe 5 weeks or so but saw him a lot, that didn't work out, and then met DP and we have been together a year now. I was only officially divorced right when I started seeing DP, and still had to do court orders payments for sale of house. So I don't think it's too early to date or get into a relationship depending on the details, but the hesitation of the guy you're with would put me off. I was never hesitant about starting a proper relationship with DP, despite it being only eight months since my separation.

This is what I would do OP. You won’t have to end things just because posters on here have told you to.

If it were me, I would take a big emotional step back if possible to protect in case it does go wrong, to protect yourself as much as you can.

Unfortunately, the truth is, if you’re going to date or be in a relationship (anyone, not just you), you always stand the chance of getting hurt. No one is immune. As they say, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I would be wary that his unwillingness to call you his girlfriend is because he’s not entirely sure if in the future he wants to play the field a bit after being married. If you’re not his girlfriend there can be no break up. I had this with a boyfriend even I was in my very early 20s. He left his girlfriend for me, and then decided he didn’t want to call me his girlfriend, although he did in the end he was reluctant. He ended it some months later, clearly wanting to see what else was out there.

Just keep your guard up, and be prepared.

He's worried his ex will cotton on and make things difficult! I was in the same situation 15 years ago. The woman in question was hounded by my ex and her friends. They openly accused her of having an affair with me and brought it to a point where it couldn't continue.