Dating a divorcing man

[Anon645]

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

I’ve changed my mind after reading this comment from you. You now sound utterly desperate and that is not attractive and makes you vulnerable to manipulation and being used.

I would end things now - if he’s into you, he won’t want to let you go. At least then you’ll know how he actually feels and can move on from him.

You need to stop and take a massive step back. It's been four months, not four years.

He is very clearly telling you that he is not as into you, as you are into him.

Sorry, OP, but when someone is showing you how they feel, listen to them.

OP, sadly, I think you need this - it will help you to hear what he is saying. :

This so true.
It reinforces what I used to believe ie 95% of men who say they "never want to get married (again)" do get married.
It just won't be to you.

My DH was with his ex for 12 years. Never wanted to get married. When we'd been dating a couple of months he told his sister he was going to marry me and she was shocked because he'd always said he'd never get married. He proposed after 15 months and we were married 8 months later.

If you don't want to get hurt you need to end it with this man. You've only been seeing him for 4 months. That's no time at all.

He won't call you his girlfriend because it's his get of jail card. So when he walks away from this rebound relationship with you, which it's almost guaranteed he will, he can just say 'but you were never my girlfriend'.

I know you don't want to hear it OP but it's not a good idea to get involved with a married man. Even when he's separated and getting a divorce he's still married.

You obviously really like him, but it’s such early days, and you are way too invested for him.

It must be hard for you, but I would back right off.

IMHO it’s never a good idea to have a relationship with a separated man for a variety of reasons.

Just one of them being; you might think you know what’s going on between him and his wife (despite her having a BF), but you really don’t, particularly when there are children involved.

You don’t want to end it and will likely carry on as you are I think.
You can only try and protect yourself as much as you can. I hope he doesn’t know he has you where he wants you, you’ve fallen hard and fast by the sounds of it.

I would try to back off, he’s just gotten out of a marriage and already has a girlfriend- it’s all very fast. He’s had no break in between, his head must be spinning.

Do you have friends you could go out with? I’d at least act more casual, tell him you can see he’s got his hands full etc etc. Play a bit hard to get.

Spoken to him- he has said he is not comfortable with the bf /gf label yet but he wants to keep seeing me..he said he wants to continue as we are and keeping dating. He said he wants to keep dating until we either progress to the boyfriend and girlfriend label, or go our separate ways. He said time will tell what way it goes.

(Also keeping dating would mean no physical intimacy from my side now )

Did you tell him there's no more sex then?

ie he wants to keep having sex with you with no commitment. If you are ok woth that then fine, but I understand you want more and have fallen for him.

I know it’s hard but please show some self compassion/respect and leave.

So all the advice given here hasn't made any difference. If you are in love with him and enjoy sex with him how long do you think your new boundary will hold?

He wants to keep having sex with you and using you for free therapy until he finds someone with whom he wants to be in a relationship.

It's all what he wants. Your wants don't matter. Raise your bar and find someone who wants a relationship with you.

Stop being so patient and understanding with this ditherer who doesn't know his own mind or what he wants, it sounds exhausting. I'd leave him to it. Take a giant step back.

A couple of cliched phrases come to mind, sorry if this is patronising, I fully know how you feel:

Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary (possibly Oscar Wilde?)

Don't make someone a priority when you're just an option to them (MN!)

Sadly OP you’re not taking a single thing onboard either what every poster on here is telling you or what he’s saying loud and clear.

This is not a relationship he’s interested in pursuing. You’re a stopgap, a rebound, someone to pass the time. He doesn’t see you as a potential partner in his future. He knows how you feel and he’s using v your desperation to cling to him to keep you where he wants you as a bit of short term fun.

You've got far too invested too quickly in a man who doesn’t feel the same about you, Stop being a doormat, have a bit of self respect and tell him thanks but no thanks.

You are literally rolling over and begging him to break your heart

That's great, because you're not his GF he doesn't get GF benefits, maybe keep in touch with him, see him every once in a while but defo no sex and no full time availability by any means. Work on your life and relationships and maybe go on other dates. Yes he might date other people too but you can't have your cake and eat it too.

You're just prolonging the agony. If you insist on continuing to date I would also put discussing anything to do with his divorce off the table as well. You don't want to be used as a therapist.

I very much doubt he'll continue just dating for long when there's no sex and no therapy. He'll go elsewhere for sex and then say "well we weren't official" or he'll just end it. Either way it's not going to end well for you but the longer you drag this out the more attached you'll be and the more it'll hurt when it inevitably ends.

Trust me, I've been there. I learned the hard way to listen when a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship.

Luckily we already don't talk much about the divorce!! I put that boundary in from the get go!

You are not a GF or a serious relationship, you are a DISTRACTION.
He is not even divorced yet and believe me, it takes more than 4 months to get over it, even when it’s all done and dusted.

He’s going through a lot of negative things and you are the source of positives, for now. Of course it’s nice for him to have that.

2 wobbles already? He is not ready and you are setting yourself for disappointment staying in this.

Hiw long did it take you to get ocer yoir past long term relationship, was you totally fine and ready 4 months after?

What did he say when you told him there would be no sex?

He was fine, sex is a small part of our relationship. Most of the time we are out doing things /on dates, or cuddled up and chatting. Just like most couples I guess we spend more time out of bed than in it !

I think the OP is a troll. This can’t be for real

It's not really like most couples though is it? Most couples spend a third of their time in bed together. Most happy couples have regular sex.

You're kidding yourself on here and you're going to end up hurt. 100%.

But you’re not ‘just like most couples’ are you? Because you’re not a couple in his eyes.

OP - what do you actually want from this thread as everyone is saying the same thing but you continue to stick your fingers in your ears and go ‘la la la not listening’