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Original poster

Dating a divorcing man

434 replies

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Hi,
Just looking for advice /tips. I have been dating a man going through a divorce for the past 4 months. He has expressed romantic feelings for me and we are exclusive. He has kids as do I. He won't call me his girlfriend but tells people we are dating/seeing each other. He has consistently expressed that he needs a slow pace but wants to work towards a proper relationship with me.

He has had two wobbles in the past fortnight about wondering if he is ready for a relationship. He then normally comes around that evening or the next day and says he does like me and have feelings for me , and that he does want to work towards a proper relationship with me but that it will take time. He said he wants to work towards a relationship during this year, but that it will take months most likely.

Last night he had one out of the two aforementioned wobbles that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship and he didn't feel the best version of himself. He said a relationship is the last thing on his mind currently atm but that he does want one with me eventually. This morning he has said he likes me and has feelings for me and that he doesn't want to lose me.

Any advice? I'm trying to be patient and understanding as I know undergoing proceedings is difficult and daunting . Any tips ?

OP posts:
BetterWithPockets · 08/02/2025 16:39

SockFluffInTheBath · 08/02/2025 16:14

I’m going to give a different perspective, but am not saying I’m right and the others are wrong.

I started seeing someone who was going through a divorce. We were happy bumbling along together but it was loose in terms of commitment in the way of words like girlfriend and plans for the future. Suited me fine at the time. We’ve been married 21 years this year, 2 kids.

OP I would say he’s sensible to not make you a rebound fiancé. If you’re happy for now is that enough, or are you looking for a firmer commitment?

Edited

My experience is similar to that of@SockFluffInTheBath, OP. Again, not saying other PPs are wrong by any stretch but when I first met my now DH, he wasn’t actually divorced. In fact when our first DC was born, he and his ex were still officially married (obviously not together — and she was living with someone else — just hadn’t got round to divorcing)…

Starseeking · 08/02/2025 16:40

Put yourself first, and leave him.

He's keeping you dangling as an option, while he's not ready to date properly.

Take back your power, and go.

bananascentedhair · 08/02/2025 16:40

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:27

When people are saying 'tell him to come back after his divorce ' etc is that implying zero contact into that point ? Or still talking and meeting up ?

Everyone is different in terms of how quick they fall etc but I do love him and I would be genuinely devastated to not have him in my life any more :(

Go no contact. It will hurt like hell, but there are some brilliant support groups on Facebook with people in similar situations which will help.

So long as he has access to you, he won't feel the need to commit to you and you, understandably, have feelings so you will find it hard not to succumb when he gives you breadcrumbs.

It doesn't sound like he's doing this to be cruel to you, but he's putting his needs first, and you must do the same.

If it's meant to be between you both, it will find its way

Pinkissmart · 08/02/2025 16:41

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:57

Problem is I don't want to end it. We are very close after 4 months and we have so much in common and genuinely align so well emotionally and physically. He's the first person I've connected so well with in literal years!! So I don't want to end things, but looking more for tips on if people have been going through a divorce and been in a similar situation so I could get their perspective. Or people like myself who have dated divorcing men.. Did it work out?

He has been separated for over a year if relevant..

So…. You wants tips on how to feel better about being emotionally toyed with?

Blueeyedmale · 08/02/2025 16:44

So early on in the the relationship and he's having wobbles already introducing someone to his kids when he doesn't know what he wants does not sounds like a guy who is thinking rational in my opinion.

I don't think the time is right and I think you will end up getting hurt,this one won't end in happily ever after I'm sorry.

Munnygirl · 08/02/2025 16:45

I think you are far more into him than he is into you. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh l. How can you love a man who won’t call you his girlfriend after 4 months and won’t commit a proper relationship? He is keeping his options open and you should to.

DeepRoseFish · 08/02/2025 16:47

ReginaMolesworthy · 08/02/2025 15:53

My biggest tip Don't get involved OP.

I say this as someone who's got the T-shirt.

They just aren't stable enough until about 2 years after the separation.

Of course he doesn't want to lose you. He sees you are a nice soft place to land and a backstop.

No,no,no !

This OP. I’ve got the exact same t-shirt!!!

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:47

BetterWithPockets · 08/02/2025 16:39

My experience is similar to that of@SockFluffInTheBath, OP. Again, not saying other PPs are wrong by any stretch but when I first met my now DH, he wasn’t actually divorced. In fact when our first DC was born, he and his ex were still officially married (obviously not together — and she was living with someone else — just hadn’t got round to divorcing)…

Show quote history

Could you please explain your situation? What was his behaviour like when dating , when did he commit ? How long had he been separated etc ?

He has committed to exclusivity which is a positive sign but not girlfriend status.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 08/02/2025 16:47

It depends very much on how patient you are prepared to be. He has told you he's not ready for a relationship and at the moment you are providing him with fun, support and no expectations of commitment. How long will you be happy to do this? How many more 'wobbles' do you think you can cope with? Even if he doesn't mean to, he is messing with your feelings and needs to understand that he can't keep doing that so he needs to put up or shut up. He's already in a relationship with you whether he calls it that or not.

GreyAreas · 08/02/2025 16:48

It's been 4 months and he's had two wobbles. He's not ready. He knows it and you know it. You just met at the wrong time, that sucks. I would go so far as to say he can't get to a point of being ready while he's seeing you. He needs to end his marriage feel awful and then start to rebuild.

Thatsenoughadulting · 08/02/2025 16:50

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 15:57

Problem is I don't want to end it. We are very close after 4 months and we have so much in common and genuinely align so well emotionally and physically. He's the first person I've connected so well with in literal years!! So I don't want to end things, but looking more for tips on if people have been going through a divorce and been in a similar situation so I could get their perspective. Or people like myself who have dated divorcing men.. Did it work out?

He has been separated for over a year if relevant..

If it's meant to be it'll be when the time is right. Even if they've been split over a year, the process of divorce can be very emotional and traumatic. He's not ready, he's told you he's not ready twice in a short space of time. Take some control back, end it and let him heal from his last relationship or you'll forever be on this rollercoaster.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/02/2025 16:51

If you're both committed to exclusively dating, you're in a relationship. His weird inability to see that is a red flag. It's like he disassociating from you so it's easier to walk away if he wants to.

He might be a great guy but this is probably poor timing and he shouldn't be doing this push/pull bullshit with you. It's unfair to you.

And yes 15 months being separated is different to bring 15months divorced. He's still in the throes of processing the demise of his marriage. In most cases the finalisation of a divorce offers a form of closure and he's just not there yet.

I'd be saying that it's clear the timing isn't right and to get back in touch once he's divorced, if feelings are still there.

FallenRaingel · 08/02/2025 16:53

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:27

When people are saying 'tell him to come back after his divorce ' etc is that implying zero contact into that point ? Or still talking and meeting up ?

Everyone is different in terms of how quick they fall etc but I do love him and I would be genuinely devastated to not have him in my life any more :(

Doesn't sound like you're ready to date. Devastated after 4 months? With a married man.

Two episodes in 16 weeks where he has told you he doesn't want a full relationship. Listen to him. He's not ready. Stop trying to convince yourself he is.

Munnygirl · 08/02/2025 16:53

Anon645 · 08/02/2025 16:47

Could you please explain your situation? What was his behaviour like when dating , when did he commit ? How long had he been separated etc ?

He has committed to exclusivity which is a positive sign but not girlfriend status.

Show quote history

If he can’t commit to saying you are his girlfriend he has not committed exclusively to the relationship

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/02/2025 17:00

Why not just stop talking about the future? You can enjoy going out and staying in together without having to make life plans, especially after Four Months. You’ve agreed not to sleep with other people, sensible from disease transmission, now just relax and see where life takes you both.

penelopelondon · 08/02/2025 17:02

@Anon645 He has committed to exclusivity which is a positive sign but not girlfriend status.

Manslator: "I want you to be emotionally invested in me and don't see other guys while i keep my options open"

OhBow · 08/02/2025 17:05

One thing I've painfully learned is never let yourself like a man more than they like you.

He'll be up to his ears in all the details of his divorce for a while to come. It's absolutely brutal and at times, all you can think about. My xh used a woman for emotional support while he was going through it (who he's no longer with).

If he likes you as much as he says, he can come and find you again after a break, when the divorce is finalised and the dust has settled.

AltitudeCheck · 08/02/2025 17:09

What does 'working towards a relationship' even mean?

I think he's keeping you dangling because it suits him to have someone to keep the loneliness at bay. You are helping him move on from his stb ex-wife but he's told you not looking for a 'forever' partner yet, just a 'for now' one. You might get on amazingly but it's doomed if you don't both want the same thing.

You can't change him but you can decide whether to get a bit hurt now or more hurt, months/ years down the line. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship now / yet... I would tell him to come back if/ when he does.

Thatsenoughadulting · 08/02/2025 17:09

Exclusivity is nothing. He's struggling with dating one person never mind seeing multiple. This is not the commitment you think or hope it is.

My DH had only split from his ex 4 months when we started seeing each other. We'd known each other 20 years at the time for school and at first we were only supposed to be friends with benefits. His ex had been abusive and he has zero intention of getting into another relationship ever again. He was just looking for some company on the nights he didn't have his kids. If had some bad dating experiences so I was also quite happy for a more casual arrangement.

Well despite our intentions we fell for each other and 2 months later we were discussing marriage and moving in. Were either of us in the best place for a relationship at that time? Probably not. We did a lot of healing together. The difference being we chose to heal together. Neither wanted to let the other go. I think if this guy wanted you enough he'd make it work. He wouldn't want to let you go. If you really think after just 4 months that this guy's the one then let him go, give him space and trust that he'll come back and ask you to be in a relationship with him.

But I'm sorry to say I don't think it's going to work out. I don't think he's as into you as you seem to be with him, but he likes you enough to still have you around. Don't let someone treat you like that.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 08/02/2025 17:14

My advice would be: you’re clearly not in the right place for a relationship right now. Let’s call it off and maybe reconnect further down the line if we’re both still interested and available.

When I was dating I didn’t consider people who were separated: too much baggage. For me personally they had to be divorced before I would consider them.

Dweetfidilove · 08/02/2025 17:29

You seem intent on breaking your own heart with this one. You're already in love with Mr Married Headfuck, though he's been clear he's a cake eater.
These things only work if you're not desperately trying to cling onto him, while he's wobbling every other week.
Step right back, fill your time with other things that distract you from this madness and give him space to figure out his stuff. You may/not want him once he's got himself together.

MightyGoldBear · 08/02/2025 17:46

Op I'd take this as a really good opportunity to do some inner reflection on why you're even entertaining someone that's not really sure. Maybe some therapy or chatting with close friends/family.

You are worth a partner who is completely 100 percent sure they want a relationship and they are all in. No wobbles. The start of a relationship particularly should be wonderful no stress no issues.

Original poster
Anon645 · 08/02/2025 21:08

He is saying that the weight of proceedings and the house sale coupled with the unknown of where him and his children are going to end up living is burning him out. I don't dispute that that is true, it sounds a lot !

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 08/02/2025 21:52

Don't. Just don't do this to yourself.

WomenInConstruction · 08/02/2025 21:58

You're in love with him and don't want to walk away.
Can you dial it back in terms of how much time you spend together so he has plenty of time to deal with the practicals of splitting his marriage, sorting his new house and processing all these big life changes?
Maybe some of the time he's spending with you would be better spent getting to grips, then he may feel a better sense of control and stop panicking.