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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

348 replies

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 22:58

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

OP posts:
Lookuptotheskies · 06/02/2025 23:01

I'm assuming she hadn't jumped on a plane with zero noticed and knocked on his door to stay without asking him beforehand. But you knew ZILCH about her staying?!

Dump him. Block him. Move on.

Longhotsummers · 06/02/2025 23:02

What a shock for you but it doesn’t look good. Why didn’t he tell you she was coming if he didn’t have anything to hide?

ChappRo · 06/02/2025 23:02

The trust is gone.
You'll never trust him again. With good reason.

Would he have fell asleep like that with one of his male friends?
Would he fuck.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 06/02/2025 23:03

Were they clothed?

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 23:03

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 06/02/2025 23:03

Were they clothed?

Yes fully clothed.

OP posts:
SpringBunnyHopHop · 06/02/2025 23:04

It would be over for me. They’ve clearly planned for her to come and stay so why hasn’t he mentioned it?

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 23:05

Lookuptotheskies · 06/02/2025 23:01

I'm assuming she hadn't jumped on a plane with zero noticed and knocked on his door to stay without asking him beforehand. But you knew ZILCH about her staying?!

Dump him. Block him. Move on.

Edited

He says he didn’t see the need to tell me as he wouldn’t warn me if he had other friends sleeping on the sofa. Historically he hasn’t told me if he has had other friends over though so that is kind of true but he never falls asleep cuddling them!

OP posts:
doyouknowthemuffinman42 · 06/02/2025 23:06

You'll never trust him truly again, you'll always be wondering ... even if you are okay. You won't be at peace.

Life is short, move on, enjoy your dc and the right man will come along.

I doubt the ex just turned up at his door with her cases.

They must have been in contact.

RentalWoesNotFun · 06/02/2025 23:07

He didn't tell you. He hid it.
He should have given her his bed and he slept on the couch.
He shouldn't have been cuddling her.

Doesn't look good. Maybe they fell asleep before he cheated. Or maybe not.

Seems like he can't be trusted. I'm afraid I'd be forced to dump and move on as you'll never trust him again.

Unless of course you go through his phone and there are plenty references to him having a girlfriend, ie you, and not being interested...

I doubt you'd find that though.
Sorry OP. That's heartbreaking he's done this :-(

fourelementary · 06/02/2025 23:07

Nope. He’s now trying to make you out to be unreasonable for not thinking of his EX as “just any old friend”. Dump him and don’t look back. Someone who has so little respect for you isn’t worth your energy now.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 06/02/2025 23:07

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 23:05

He says he didn’t see the need to tell me as he wouldn’t warn me if he had other friends sleeping on the sofa. Historically he hasn’t told me if he has had other friends over though so that is kind of true but he never falls asleep cuddling them!

Friends are different to ex girlfriends.

TheAzureSwan · 06/02/2025 23:09

Yes arranging for his ex to stay is very different from asking a male friend to stay. I would have thought asking any female friend to stay but especially an ex should have been talked over with you first.
I wouldn't be able to trust him after this.

cherrylips · 06/02/2025 23:10

Oh my goodness you poor thing, what a horrible shock for you. Did he ask you to stay the night even though she was there?

Thats weird that when she comes to the UK she stays at his home. Also odd that he never mentioned she was visiting and would want to see him, never mind stay with him.

I don’t know whether you should just walk away from this relationship or have a massive talk with him about his short comings and bollock him. And then walk away from the relationship.

Has he been trying to contact you since you left his? At the very least she needs to stay in a hotel tonight. And then out of his home altogether. Also he needs to stop communicating with her.

I don’t really have any advice. All I know is I would have been shouting, screaming and crying at him. I hope he asked her to leave if you were upset.

RickiRaccoon · 06/02/2025 23:12

I mean they probably weren't post-coital and they might not have kissed but they obviously had a snuggle. That's not 'friend' behaviour.

I wouldn't be with someone who's letting his ex stay without telling you and full on hugging and falling asleep with them on the couch. It's definitely testing the boundaries of cheating enough that I'd be gone.

blackandwhitefur · 06/02/2025 23:14

He says he didn’t see the need to tell me as he wouldn’t warn me if he had other friends sleeping on the sofa.

Others have already said this but this isn't a friend it's an ex girlfriend. And he wouldn't cosy up with another friend like that. Whether they are sleeping together or not is besides the point and even if they are just good friend there is a level of comfort here that is too much to deal with.

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 23:15

cherrylips · 06/02/2025 23:10

Oh my goodness you poor thing, what a horrible shock for you. Did he ask you to stay the night even though she was there?

Thats weird that when she comes to the UK she stays at his home. Also odd that he never mentioned she was visiting and would want to see him, never mind stay with him.

I don’t know whether you should just walk away from this relationship or have a massive talk with him about his short comings and bollock him. And then walk away from the relationship.

Has he been trying to contact you since you left his? At the very least she needs to stay in a hotel tonight. And then out of his home altogether. Also he needs to stop communicating with her.

I don’t really have any advice. All I know is I would have been shouting, screaming and crying at him. I hope he asked her to leave if you were upset.

He asked me to stay. I knew he still messaged her sometimes, but didn’t know he would see her when he visited. She only spoke to him in a different language while I was there so I don’t know what she was saying.
He has messaged since but when I said can’t she get a hotel he said “she’s just a friend, I’m not kicking her out to a hotel, just come back here, you don’t have anything to worry about”.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 06/02/2025 23:15

If he knows you have keys and could arrive at any point I don't think he would've cheated with her on the couch then fallen asleep? I guess they could've snogged. But if I was him I wouldn't have the balls to shag someone knowing my gf or the owners of the flat I live in could walk in at any moment?!
But he was cuddling her. Which isn't great. Why not just let her crash on the bed? Though I guess that would look worse?

I'd say it's about 75% likely to be dodgy.

healthybychristmas · 06/02/2025 23:16

You've had a hell of a shock but also a narrow escape. There's no way you can trust him now.

Chuchoter · 06/02/2025 23:17

They are still affectionate with each other otherwise and being that comfortable and at ease with each other could easily cross over to being intimate with each other again.

The fact he never told you that she was coming to stay with him is dodgy.

I would dump him as he still has feelings for her.

Greenbottle123 · 06/02/2025 23:18

Oh what a shock! I wouldn’t be at all happy with this. He’s actively chosen not to tell you that his ex girlfriend is staying and then felt comfortable enough to fall asleep against her on the sofa? This just isn’t acceptable behaviour when you’re in a committed relationship

user1492757084 · 06/02/2025 23:21

Is he offering to cut all contact with her?

I'd be worried that he has blurry lines as to how to treat women friends. He doesn't guard against them having feelings for him. Sleeping on couch with and confiding in friends of opposite sex is always troublesome for a relationship.
If he is head-in-the-sand with that, he is too naive to value your feelings.

He seems not committed enough to you, Op.

JudgeBread · 06/02/2025 23:22

I wonder how happy he'd be if he came over yours and found you cuddled up on the sofa with your ex? Fairly sure he wouldn't accept "oh come on babe he's just a friend, how is it any different from if it was one of my female friends?"

Men like this aren't worth it. Ditch him and find someone who doesn't sneak around with his ex in any capacity.

Namerequired · 06/02/2025 23:22

How many friends have you cuddled up beside and fell asleep? Not a chance! He hid that she was staying, she’s an ex not just a friend. Her stuff was in his room. Yes they weren’t in his bedroom-yet. Either way he’s crossed a line. It would be a bye bye for me.

Bubblyb00b · 06/02/2025 23:24

Don't be a fool, this is exactly what it looks like! I would not even try to work out what is happening between them but this is absolutely unacceptable and both him and his ex can fuck off. They both sound vile.

I bet she did not try to apologise/ ask you not to go?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 06/02/2025 23:24

He didn’t think it was relevant to say his ex was coming to stay…. Nope it’s dodgy, sorry op! Block and move on.

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