I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

[Imaunicorndavid]

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

Yes, no one falls asleep snuggled up on the sofa with a friend. No one. As the key fact is you need to be physically lying in that position in the first place. Trying to pass it off as just what friends do is laughable, as I’m fairly sure he doesn’t cuddle up to his male friends and fall asleep on the sofa.

he is cheating, there is no doubt. And the ex didn’t speak English to the op for a reason, she didn’t want her to know what she was saying, and didn’t wish to communicate with her, she even went into the kitchen and chatted. Made her own way over here, she speaks English enough to get by at least. She simply wished to communicate with her ex privately and to not communicate with the op. She could have reassured the op and chose deliberately not to.

he may as well have put shaggy on and started singing it wasn’t me it is that ludicrous. He was caught in the act. No way round it.

Whether or not he cheated isn’t necessarily the biggest issue here. He didn’t discuss with you about his ex staying, and then tried to make out that it’s completely normal and you’re being unreasonable- it’s not and you’re not. This is 100% the type of thing he should have discussed with you way before agreeing that she could stay.
Not someone I could trust at all going forward, whether he cheated or not. Though I’ve never ever accidentally fallen asleep cuddled up to someone I didn’t intend to cuddle up to.

She had cases, how long is she planning on staying? And on the couch, in his shared flat with another couple? Doubt they would be happy about that for more than one night. Dump him and move on.

Clearly they’ve been in contact
she didn’t just hop on a plane and hope for the best
he was in waiting for her
he chose not to tell you

no no. It’s still at the very least a precursor to ‘actual ‘ cheating. He’s ruined your trust

throw this one back op. Block and delete his number
There’s someone much better out there

He has his ex staying at his and he thinks it's ok. No way. Just end it.

If nothing else, the cuddling on the sofa and falling asleep is emotionally intimate. That would be the end for me.

It isn’t ok to fall asleep cuddled up to another woman. It doesn’t matter that they might not be having sex, it’s still intimate.

It’s also not ok not to mention your ex is coming to stay. He’s made a conscious decision to hide it and you are not ok with it.

He doesn’t respect your boundaries.

You can’t trust him.

Its over.

Er nah fuck that. He won't ask her to stay in a hotel either. Nope.

This doesn't make sense, an ex is someone who you have had an intimate relationship with and know all their nooks and crannies, this is not an ex friend, it is an ex GF, quite a difference. You know how they work, how their brain works and what happens next step by step. Sounds to me that it is an ex because she lives abroad, not because they have had a bitter fall out. Completely un normal unless it is a culture where it is ok to share partners about.😏

You're not overeacting and she isn't a random friend, she's an ex... Someone he's had sex with previously, probably loved, and still seems to want to cuddle and feels comfortable enough with to fall asleep spooning.

Even if he hasn't cheated yet, his comfortable toying with the crossing the line and so easily could. A partner who wouldn't risk losing you would never do that.

Don't waste any more of your time with him, I strongly suspect you will regret it.

You must have very low self esteem if you're even considering staying with him.

Maybe he's telling the truth. It's ok to stay friends with an ex, to care about them, to want to help etc. But even so, it shows a lack of thought and respect for you. Most people would realize that their partner would want to know if an ex was staying at their place. He could have asked you if it was ok with you. Was he planning to tell you at all?

I think EVEN if his account is to be believed, he still had her to stay without telling you.
And they still have at the very least a very close affectionate relationship.

So it's a No from me.

Where was she supposed to be sleeping? He's in a flat share, the only places to sleep in there are the sofa or his bed. Her cases were already in his bedroom. There's no way she was going to sleep on the sofa in a shared flat. No way.

Sorry OP I'd be very unhappy with that and it would be over.

Why didn't he answer his phone? Did they fall asleep even earlier than 9.30?

This made my heart sink and I don’t even know you.

Cuddling on a large sofa with an ex he didn’t even tell you was staying at his!! Just no!

Don’t try and argue or reason with him, just step away

I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt for all concerned.
On a separate note,why aren't you living together? You have a child together and have created a family

I'd be happy to have an ex to stay, but I'd tell my partner (lives separately) beforehand. Not because I think he'd mind (he wouldn't) but because it's an interesting event. I tell him when the sink's blocked or I lost my purse so I'd definitely tell him an ex was coming to stay. If probably introduce them to each other too. I'd hate not to be told.

Well her suitcases are in his bedroom, that means she is sleeping there. They were cuddling, which isn't comfortable for anyone sleeping but romantic and hoping to have sex. You know it's wrong, you should end it.

18 months is a long relationship. You have a kid.

He’s downplaying what happened and disrespecting you. If he really cared about you, he’d feel terrible you walked in on him sleeping intimately with his ex, without even knowing she was staying with him.

I’m friends with most of my exes. But I wouldn’t have them stay with me without telling my partner. I wouldn’t fall asleep with them cuddled on the couch. Just like I wouldn’t do that with a female friend, even if off my head.

He’s breached your trust and thinks it’s not a problem. He’s shown you what kind of person he is. Untrustworthy and disrespectful.

I bet he has double standards too. How would he react if it was the other way round and he found you asleep with an ex and you said what’s the problem.

I think you have misread what OP said: she has a child with her ex, not her BF.

I don't know what doubt OP is supposed to be giving him the benefit of. He asked his ex to stay with him without telling OP, has cuddled up with her and slept with her on the sofa as soon as she arrived. And if her suitcases were in the bedroom she was obviously going to be sleeping in there.

All seems pretty clear imo.

Yeah I don't care what his intentions were. Cuddling on sofa fully dressed with ex girlfriend is a line you just don't cross.

The best case scenario is that nothing happened between them and they did just fall asleep. However, even in that scenario he’s actively kept her visit from you and I personally wouldn’t want to continue in a relationship in that scenario.

How is that the best case though, because fundamentally to do that, you need to be cuddled up on the sofa in the first place. That’s the fact he can’t get round, they had to have been lying, body to body, snuggled on the sofa to fall asleep in that position. They had to have been lying like that, at a minimum chatting, but let’s face it, more likely kissing, you don’t lie like that body to body for a wee chat.

Her child is 7 and she’s been with this bloke 18 months - do the maths before you post