I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

[Imaunicorndavid]

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

Well it’s opinion isn’t it? I still talk to an ex who I don’t have a child with so it would be hypocritical for me to say he can’t talk to his.

Seen your updates.

If ‘run it by you’ was the exact language he used, IMHO that’s a red flag. He doesn’t need to seek your permission.

He needs to be respectful. Which is the minimum you should expect in a serious 18 month relationship (especially with someone who has a young child, so has to think more carefully about relationships). He should have let you know his ex was staying in his flat at the invitation of his flatmates.

That’s how you build trust. By being open rather than secretive.

He’s been disrespectful. So was his ex if she knew he had a 18 month serious relationship. Who on earth would snuggle up with an ex in such circumstances?

And, though he’s apologised, he’s still downplaying it and making you seem like your expectations are too high. He’s also contradicting himself: didn’t have chance to tell you but doesn’t see why he should anyway.

Sounds like he views his relationship with you as pretty casual. If you want to keep seeing him for fun, then that’s up to you. But I wouldn’t consider a serious relationship with him, trust him or let him spend time with my kid.

Have you posted something about him before? It sounds familiar.

So BF lives in a room in a house, owned by a couple with whom he has been friends with since he was young and his ex-girlfriend is known by the couple since a young age too. She is staying for a few days and dossing on the sofa?

Do the couple who own the house like you? Would they prefer to have him back with his ex g/f and engineered the whole thing to cause problems between you?

Seems odd that her suitcases were in his room; why not in the lounge with her because that would be where she was sleeping for a few days, no?

And after being with someone for 18 months, I don't understand why you wouldn't know when people are staying over at his or vice versa? Do you not talk to each other about what you have going on in your lives? i.e. 'oh, X is visiting next weekend; he's seeing friends from Uni and needs a place to get his head down blah blah blah' - seems odd you wouldn't have these kind of conversations with your partner?

It's not just opinion is it - you've let your partner speak to his ex, and now he's ended up falling asleep with her cuddling up on the sofa. You know that you wouldn't cheat hence you give yourself the opportunity to speak to your ex's. Men are increasingly less able to do this in a platonic manner (yes NAMALT blah blah) and therefore I don't think it's unreasonable to say you need to stop speaking to your ex partners otherwise I'm out.

absolutely perfectly put.

I could be persuaded about the ex coming to stay, friends with flatmates, long term friend. I’m long term friends with one or two of my exes and one was staying over recently with our family.

But I don’t think I could get over the sleeping cuddled up on the sofa?! Have you ever found him cuddled up on the sofa with one of his other mates? Male or female? Is he always cuddling platonic friends on the sofa? I just don’t buy that he “doesn’t remember putting his arm round her”. Absolute rot. Even if he didn’t intend to take things any further. It’s too intimate.

I think there is a chance you can salvage something maybe. It depends what he's like overall, have you been suspicious before, what is your gut saying? If you're staying together in any way he needs to stop the close friendship with ex. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you're coping ok ❤️

I have exes who I’m still friends with so I don’t think that’s necessarily unreasonable.

But if you’re going to do this you need real transparency and very, very clear boundaries - and your BF failed on both of those points.

Don't let him minimise what you saw with your own eyes. Even cuddling up on the sofa and no sex (if that’s true) is not acceptable.

I guess in some ways it feels like although we have been together 18 months it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes we go days without talking as he is a chef and works late, often I am asleep before he gets home. This week the last time we really spoke was Monday. We messaged since then but haven’t seen each other or called. Every other weekend we don’t see each other as it’s my weekend with DS and while they have met we don’t really do family things etc. Obviously I have my son in the week too on Mondays and Tuesdays so sometimes we won’t talk as much then either. I guess our relationship isn’t very conventional.
I don’t know his flatmates very well.

Their lives sound very entwined. I suspect loyalties will always be to her and his friends over you, so if you decide to forgive and move on then you’ll have to accept she’ll always be around. You can discuss and agree boundaries with him if he’s willing - but ultimately, she’s been in his life since they were toddlers, they’re clearly still very close and you are a girlfriend of 18 months.
It also sounds like you might have different expectations of what’s reasonable in a relationship and are at different life stages. I can’t imagine you have lots of people sleeping on your sofa as you’ve got a child, but he’s living in a shared house so it’s probably more common however, not mentioning the girls from work is another alarm bell. If you want to move forward I’d have an honest conversation right now about where you both see this relationship heading, what your common understanding of fidelity is and what your boundaries are.
But personally I’d probably walk away.

I wouldn't care what nationality he was , it's not appropriate to be asleep cuddling another woman when you are in a relationship with someone else. There's absolutely no way it accidentally happened . Op don't believe his bullshit, you're young and you'll find someone else. Block him and forget him

I guess we all have different boundaries.

I’m friends with some of my exes. And my partners have been with theirs too. To me, it’s a mature way to behave. Why throw away a good friendship with someone who cares about you just because you no longer want to be in a couple? And often you have shared friends you may both socialise with from time to time.

But equally I understand some people can’t trust their bf or partner to be respectful about it, especially if people have breached their trust in the past.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who expected me to end friendships with exes or who didn’t trust me, when I’m a trustworthy and respectful person. I’d find it controlling and possessive.

Horses for courses, I guess. Best to be with people who share our views and values.

I would just walk away, this doesn’t seem like a great relationship anyway. He isn’t showing you the most basic courtesy or respect. The ex clearly doesn’t consider you either.

I’m just not buying falling asleep and “not remembering” putting his arm around my ex, until they are cuddling. They were clearly very close and stayed very physically close as they were drifting off. He didn’t think hey; I’m getting drowsy I should create space here. I have a whole 18 month relationship. He let her nuzzle in and put his arms around her.. it’s just not cool.

Oh fuck, he’s a chef?! It gets worse. 🫣

IME, most of them ate incapable of a monogamous relationship. Half of them have god complexes and the opportunities to cheat are constant. Late nights, intensive working conditions yada yada.

Unfortunately I’ve known my fair share of chefs and fidelity has never been a strong point - for any of them.

Is the sofa the only place to sit in that room? There isn't a separate chair that he could have been on and given her the sofa??

I'm with the first poster here - time to move on. The trust is gone here and even if he were to promise you the sun, moon and stars, you'd still and always be wondering what if??

Find your gumption and kick this one to the kerb and you'll be a lot better off!

You don’t need cctv evidence of penis entering vagina

he has lied by omission and you have your own evidence of snuggling ( which is something he would NOT have done in your presence)

if you hadn’t walked in he would not have told you about the snuggling

her speaking to him in a language only the two of them understand is exceptionally rude and dodgy

for what it’s worth I don’t think they had sex but lines were crossed / blurred and only you can decide if this is acceptable to you or not

I have no issue with my bf being friendly with an ex, however if that ex was going to be staying at his house/in his bedroom I would expect to be told. If it were my ex, whom I am on friendly terms with, I would keep a bit of physical space rather than create opportunities to fall asleep sleep physically entwined with that person. It’s a basic respect to the person you’re in a relationship with not to blur lines with a previous partner.

It's bollocks. I'm very friendly with my ex-H and another ex, and they both would let me stay at theirs if I needed to. But no way on this earth would I fall asleep on them - and nor would they let me!

I also stick by my bellief that you cannot truly be friends with an ex until you've been apart for at least 10 years, otherwise there's always unresolved feelings on at least one side. And even after 20 years one ex still made a pass at me.

I'd be suspicious of anyone, man or woman, who was friends with all their exes. That's not friends, that's a harem.

I still feel really hurt, uneasy and betrayed

OP, be the master of your own ship. Listen to your own feelings. Move on

OP, decide how much time you want to waste on him, because you ARE wasting your time.

sounds like it's more FWB than a full relationship.

I don't think you're over-reacting OP; I'd feel the same if I were in the same position but I wouldn't be questioning myself about it. I'd have dumped him there and then. Not sure you could ever properly trust him again, especially around his ex.

It’s not a large room so there is just an L shaped sofa and a tv/side board. The sofa fits 4 people on the main part and he had his feet up on the chaise part/sat in the corner. He claims that his flatmates had been sat on the other end and that’s why they were beside each other.

So what happened - did the flatmates piss off and then they cuddled up and fell asleep? Or did they nod off together and then the flatmates got up after? Or were all of them asleep on the sofa together (I’m guessing not by your previous description).

If you want to consider staying with him - IF - you need to find out exactly what happened, and be alert for any inconsistencies because that’s a tell that he’s lying. You’re only getting half the story here.

Given your later posts about the nature of your relationship my guess would be that he doesn’t consider you as a serious girlfriend - and maybe still has an eye for the ex. Sorry.