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Original poster

I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

348 replies

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 22:58

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

OP posts:
RetroTotty · 06/02/2025 23:24

Men like this aren't worth it

Sums it up perfectly.

PennyApril54 · 06/02/2025 23:26

You're still young. You'll meet someone with better values than this and who you'll be able to trust. I know it's sad but this is only going to cause you more pain if you stay in this relationship because you'll never be able to trust him (no one could after this happening). None of this is your fault. Leave the relationship with your head held high and take good care of yourself ❤️

Halycon · 06/02/2025 23:26

You know this isn’t innocent.

Trust your gut.

umbrellasusie · 06/02/2025 23:27

Bin him. Don't ask anymore questions. Don't tell him to get her a hotel.
He's in touch with her more than you are aware. She's came over to stay with him behind your back. Wake up! He doesn't respect you and lies to you.
They were cuddling on the couch. They are intimate. Is that what you want from your relationship? Worrying he's been cosy with other women when your back is turned?
You deserve better. You can do better.
Repulsive behaviour. Tell him you are gone.

Original poster
Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 23:27

Bubblyb00b · 06/02/2025 23:24

Don't be a fool, this is exactly what it looks like! I would not even try to work out what is happening between them but this is absolutely unacceptable and both him and his ex can fuck off. They both sound vile.

I bet she did not try to apologise/ ask you not to go?

Edited

I don’t know if/how much English she speaks, she isn’t British and she didn’t speak English once while I was there.

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 06/02/2025 23:28

Dump him and block him x

1smallhamsterfoot · 06/02/2025 23:28

Did you not say to her explain to me in English why you're here? Or can she not speak English? That's sus that she spoke to him so you couldn't understand, what was her tone?

ItGhoul · 06/02/2025 23:29

I’ve no issue with people being mates with exes or having friends of the opposite sex. But snuggling up with them for a cuddle and falling asleep in each other’s arms?! Absolutely no way would I be able to put up with that. Get rid of this arsehole.

Original poster
Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 23:30

1smallhamsterfoot · 06/02/2025 23:28

Did you not say to her explain to me in English why you're here? Or can she not speak English? That's sus that she spoke to him so you couldn't understand, what was her tone?

She didn’t seem stressed or upset, just seemed quite quiet then she went outside to have a smoke and when she came back up she went and chatted to his flat mates in the kitchen (they all speak the same language). I don’t if she speaks English so didn’t feel comfortable asking her anything or saying anything like “speak to me in English”.

OP posts:
Enough4me · 06/02/2025 23:31

Don't just be an option for him and don't play the "pick me dance". No man interested in you would cuddle another women!
Better to be alone than a player's option, being alone also makes you available for a real relationship.

AutumnFroglets · 06/02/2025 23:34

He says he didn’t see the need to tell me as he wouldn’t warn me if he had other friends sleeping on the sofa.

If you date long enough you enter into a relationship. Relationships are about communicating important information and feelings between each other otherwise there cannot be trust. No trust equals a bad relationship.

How many more years would it take before he tells you things like this? Would he tell you if you lived together 🤔

BadSil · 06/02/2025 23:39

I don't think I'd be willing to move forward with this relationship. Partnerships need honesty and trust. It seems like there is a lack of both in this relationship.

MissDoubleU · 06/02/2025 23:40

Her bags were in his bedroom because that is where she would be sleeping if they hadn’t both fell asleep together on the sofa, cuddling.

He wouldn’t usually tell you about a random friend staying over - that does not mean he gets to keep secret that his ex he was with for 2 years has traveled from overseas to stay with in his room.

Theres absolutely no way you can trust anything he says. They were cuddled up on the couch. Not at all an appropriate thing to do with an ex when he has a girlfriend.

Brandyb · 06/02/2025 23:41

Hmmm, not sure. I think the fact that they were fully clothed and that he knows you can walk in but fell asleep in the living room with her anyway (why so early? Does he do an exhausting job?) suggests they didn't sleep together. But I don't know enough about him or their back story. If they are from an immigrant community in the UK there may be a certain greater expectation of support/'my home is your home' than others are used to.
I guess if it is unacceptable to you that's what's important. We don't know him.

DoYouReally · 06/02/2025 23:46

To me it falls under the "if you have nothing to hide, why did you need to hid it" reasoning.

He knew she was coming to stay and didn't have enough respect for you to tell you.

I wouldn't have time for him anymore. You deserve better than that.

Ferrit6 · 06/02/2025 23:52

I think it’s unlikely they have got up to anything. I think he’d have just gone to the bedroom rather than be in an open lounge
I do think you should see him and ask him how he would view finding you in this same situation
if your relationship is strong then hear him out and agree together how to avoid future distrust
remember he knows you have a key so he can’t be one of those guys that’s leading a double life / just silly to not explain in advance who was staying

Gabitule · 06/02/2025 23:52

Im going to go against the grain here…

They are not English so it’s possible that they have slightly different boundaries in their own cultures when it comes to exes.

He knows that you can go to his flat anytime and he wouldn’t be so stupid as to share his bed with her knowing he could get caught. The only acceptable explanation for her bags being in his room is that he was going to give up his room for her while she was visiting. Ask him why her bags were in his room and see what he says.

Its possible that they are still emotionally close, but it doesn’t mean that he intends to cheat or that he has cheated. But they share the same culture and I guess he misses that.

I also have a tendency to stay close to some exes, a couple of them stayed over at my place when they visited England (one came with his wife). But the thought of cuddling them is yuck, and I think/ hope they feel the same.

The only thing I find suspicious is that he didn’t tell you she was visiting. And her stuff in his room is also suspicious, unless he tells you that he planned to sleep in the living room.

HotCrossBunplease · 07/02/2025 00:00

Most boyfriends and girlfriend you’d talk about what you had going on in your diaries, the fact he didn’t mention her coming to stay at all is very suspicious. If he says he wouldn’t tell you about any mate coming to stay your whole relationship sounds a bit superficial anyway. Probably time to call it a day.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/02/2025 00:03

He's not to be trusted.

Maddy70 · 07/02/2025 00:05

I am very good friends with many of my ex's. I would reasonably invite them over of they were in town and it's reasonable to fall asleep on a couch. If they were clothed I would be ok with it. They were.not in the bedroom don't you hug your friends?

MarkingBad · 07/02/2025 00:11

Maddy70 · 07/02/2025 00:05

I am very good friends with many of my ex's. I would reasonably invite them over of they were in town and it's reasonable to fall asleep on a couch. If they were clothed I would be ok with it. They were.not in the bedroom don't you hug your friends?

Whatever they were doing or not doing doesn't matter it is how the OP feels about the situation and why he chose not to tell her, he had a visitor.

Some cultures it is accepted even if it is not enjoyed that people take other lovers at times. In some cultures that's not acceptable. It depends on what the OP accepts in her life.

H112 · 07/02/2025 00:24

You will meet someone a million times better than this. Please leave xx

Lulabellez · 07/02/2025 00:33

Anyone saying it was innocent or potentially innocent is extremely naive. I almost can’t believe it. Most men cheat. There are decent ones out there. The less we fall for their bs the harder it will be for them. Please don’t be naive. You can do so much better.

FrauPaige · 07/02/2025 00:36

There is a huge variation in boundaries with platonic touch across different cultures globally. It may well be acceptable in some cultures to cuddle and fall asleep on the sofa together.

If we take him at his word that the relationship is platonic, the question is whether you are comfortable with having a boyfriend that cuddles and falls asleep on his sofa with other women.

It seems the answer to that is no.

And that would be my answer too

Lostworlds · 07/02/2025 00:36

I would expect a man I was dating to tell me that his ex is staying with him whilst she visited. If he had nothing to hide and there wasn’t anything to worry about then he would have told you and maybe even suggested all meeting up.

Even if he hasn’t cheated and wasn’t planning to cheat then I don’t understand why he wouldn’t be honest about the situation. It’s different from just having a friend stay over as it’s his ex.