Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

348 replies

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 22:58

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

OP posts:
Original poster
Imaunicorndavid · 07/02/2025 08:11

Thanks everyone, so he called me this morning and was really apologetic.

He said he couldn’t tell me in advance she was coming as she arranged it with his flat mates not him (they are all friends). But even if he had known it probably wouldn’t have occurred to him that he needed to run it by me as he doesn’t do that with any one else and I don’t do that with him.
He said he was sorry because he understands how it looks but he swears it wasn’t intentional.
He has said he won’t ask her to stay in a hotel because she is friends with his flatmates and they want her to stay.
He claims the cases were in his room as the living room is small (this is true, the living room is meant to be a bedroom but they swapped them so he could have a bigger room) and they had all been hanging out in the living room.
He has said that if it makes me feel better he will come and stay with me for the entire duration she is here.

I’ll be honest my head is frazzled, I don’t know what to believe.

OP posts:
BarbedButterfly · 07/02/2025 08:13

Come on OP. End it. This is totally unacceptable. He was cuddling his ex who was staying with him without you knowing. No one thinks they shouldn't let their partner know if their ex was staying. That is rubbish.

He is either cheating or stupid and frankly, I wouldn't want a relationship with either.

Tiegs · 07/02/2025 08:13

He shouldn't be messaging a ex anyway when your together let alone let her stay over . They can easily cross the line as they have been together previously. All very weird he has clearly cheated on you . He wouldn't make her go to a hotel but would you get rid how clear is it

Cardinalita90 · 07/02/2025 08:17

Seen your update. If she'd arranged the visit with his flatmates why weren't her cases in THEIR rooms? Anyway, point is they were cuddling and fell asleep. Not on.

Original poster
Imaunicorndavid · 07/02/2025 08:18

Tiegs · 07/02/2025 08:13

He shouldn't be messaging a ex anyway when your together let alone let her stay over . They can easily cross the line as they have been together previously. All very weird he has clearly cheated on you . He wouldn't make her go to a hotel but would you get rid how clear is it

I don’t really mind that he messages her, I have an ex who I message as a friend too.
They were together for 2 years but friends since they were toddlers so I feel like it would be unfair to say you have to totally cut someone you’ve known your whole life out. I don’t like the cuddling at all though.

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 07/02/2025 08:20

Shrinkingrose · 07/02/2025 07:58

How is that the best case though, because fundamentally to do that, you need to be cuddled up on the sofa in the first place. That’s the fact he can’t get round, they had to have been lying, body to body, snuggled on the sofa to fall asleep in that position. They had to have been lying like that, at a minimum chatting, but let’s face it, more likely kissing, you don’t lie like that body to body for a wee chat.

Show quote history

i don’t disagree, but what I mean is that the best case scenario is he’s kept her visit a secret and crossed boundaries with closeness etc, and even if he’s not physically cheated (although probably unlikely) that’s still a shit scenario and not acceptable.

fearfulexchange · 07/02/2025 08:22

ChappRo · 06/02/2025 23:02

The trust is gone.
You'll never trust him again. With good reason.

Would he have fell asleep like that with one of his male friends?
Would he fuck.

This 👆🏻
Cry your tears now so you won't have to keep doing it.

Fooled once shame one them, fooled twice you asked for it.

Lavenderfarmcottage · 07/02/2025 08:33

I think most men would know to tell you that their ex was staying. I think most women would not like that - I think most men would know this.

Lets not all play pretend and dumb about the realities of life - men are famous for doing this. It’s basically gaslighting.

AltitudeCheck · 07/02/2025 08:33

It doesn't sound sexual or that he planned to cheat. They were fully clothed and in the shared space of his flat where any if the flatmates could see them.

But that level of physical closeness / intimacy would make me feel very uncomfortable too. It's also quite disrespectful of your relationship for him to behave like that with her around his flatmates.

I would have a hard time moving past this and would be asking if myself how into me he really was if he thought this was OK and that we probably have different expectations and views on where our relationship is heading.

Zanatdy · 07/02/2025 08:33

Imaunicorndavid · 07/02/2025 08:11

Thanks everyone, so he called me this morning and was really apologetic.

He said he couldn’t tell me in advance she was coming as she arranged it with his flat mates not him (they are all friends). But even if he had known it probably wouldn’t have occurred to him that he needed to run it by me as he doesn’t do that with any one else and I don’t do that with him.
He said he was sorry because he understands how it looks but he swears it wasn’t intentional.
He has said he won’t ask her to stay in a hotel because she is friends with his flatmates and they want her to stay.
He claims the cases were in his room as the living room is small (this is true, the living room is meant to be a bedroom but they swapped them so he could have a bigger room) and they had all been hanging out in the living room.
He has said that if it makes me feel better he will come and stay with me for the entire duration she is here.

I’ll be honest my head is frazzled, I don’t know what to believe.

That’s all very well but the fact he was cuddled up asleep on the sofa means there is more to it. He’s obviously not going to tell you the truth and will try and spin it so you think you’re being unreasonable. How would he feel it he walked in to you and an ex asleep cuddled up on the sofa?

Beeloux · 07/02/2025 08:33

Reverse it, imagine if he walked in on you asleep cuddling your ex on the sofa. My bets are he would go ballistic.
Fuck him off OP. Don’t let him waste your prime years.

Bubblyb00b · 07/02/2025 08:34

I would go as far as suggesting he is not entirely broke up with her or she still thinks he is fair game. If he told her about you it must have been along the lines of "its nothing". It really surprising neither of them have been shocked or startled, you say she was quite calm?

I can imagine they are Spanish or Italian? Please dump. This is not a serious relationship. Neither of them would accept such behaviour from anyone they would consider serious, believe me.

mushroomushroom · 07/02/2025 08:37

Don't let him waste your youth. Life is longer than you think, do you really want to spend the next sixty years constantly questioning his fidelity, or whether he is into his ex? Who I guarantee he won't stop seeing but clearly still has a very intimate relationship with (even if not sexual).

It's just not worth it. There are many men out there who won't treat you like this, like you're stupid and blind.

Also, and this isn't the point but still, his roommates are no friends of yours either considering their behaviour.

Bin them all, you don't need to be made feel like you're crazy or overreacting for the sake of a boyfriend who cuddles with his ex.

Original poster
Imaunicorndavid · 07/02/2025 08:37

Bubblyb00b · 07/02/2025 08:34

I would go as far as suggesting he is not entirely broke up with her or she still thinks he is fair game. If he told her about you it must have been along the lines of "its nothing". It really surprising neither of them have been shocked or startled, you say she was quite calm?

I can imagine they are Spanish or Italian? Please dump. This is not a serious relationship. Neither of them would accept such behaviour from anyone they would consider serious, believe me.

Yes they are Italian, how did you guess?

OP posts:
SecretSoul · 07/02/2025 08:39

What did you say to him on the phone this morning OP?

If you’re close enough to have a key to his place then it feels logical to mention that someone might be kipping on the sofa if you let yourself in… It’s not “running things by you”, it’s just normal communication in a trusted relationship.

I fail to see why her suitcases were in HIS room not his flatmates if they were the ones who organised the trip.

Also, and most importantly, how did they end up cuddling each other to sleep? You said it’s a large sofa - why were they all snuggled up together? You need an honest answer from him rather than just a shrug.

And him offering to stay with you now is rather too little, too late. That doesn’t negate what you saw.

I wouldn’t be quick to forgive this. What’s he like normally - very tactile and huggy with friends?

Original poster
Imaunicorndavid · 07/02/2025 08:39

mushroomushroom · 07/02/2025 08:37

Don't let him waste your youth. Life is longer than you think, do you really want to spend the next sixty years constantly questioning his fidelity, or whether he is into his ex? Who I guarantee he won't stop seeing but clearly still has a very intimate relationship with (even if not sexual).

It's just not worth it. There are many men out there who won't treat you like this, like you're stupid and blind.

Also, and this isn't the point but still, his roommates are no friends of yours either considering their behaviour.

Bin them all, you don't need to be made feel like you're crazy or overreacting for the sake of a boyfriend who cuddles with his ex.

I don’t expect his roommates to be on my side, they have known his ex since they were all children and his ex is the female roommates best friend. I’ve never been under any illusion that they are my friends or wanted them to be.

OP posts:
Bubblyb00b · 07/02/2025 08:41

Imaunicorndavid · 07/02/2025 08:37

Yes they are Italian, how did you guess?

Show quote history

It had this kind of vibe )) I know quite a lot of Italians, dated a couple, too.

I know they are very conservative underneath, despite the appearances. I would not tolerate this kind of dynamic; him doing this is a clear sign he is not considering you for a serious relationship.

mushroomushroom · 07/02/2025 08:42

Bubblyb00b · 07/02/2025 08:34

I would go as far as suggesting he is not entirely broke up with her or she still thinks he is fair game. If he told her about you it must have been along the lines of "its nothing". It really surprising neither of them have been shocked or startled, you say she was quite calm?

I can imagine they are Spanish or Italian? Please dump. This is not a serious relationship. Neither of them would accept such behaviour from anyone they would consider serious, believe me.

For sure the ex still thinks he's fair game, and is also probably open to it herself. I can't think of an ex that I would cuddle with unless I also had plans to have sex with them. The thought of cuddling up on the sofa with any ex of mine is not an appealing thought, especially if they were in a new relationship!!

Also, I was thinking they were Portuguese.

SecretSoul · 07/02/2025 08:42

Bubblyb00b · 07/02/2025 08:34

I would go as far as suggesting he is not entirely broke up with her or she still thinks he is fair game. If he told her about you it must have been along the lines of "its nothing". It really surprising neither of them have been shocked or startled, you say she was quite calm?

I can imagine they are Spanish or Italian? Please dump. This is not a serious relationship. Neither of them would accept such behaviour from anyone they would consider serious, believe me.

I think this is an excellent point.

Her non-reaction suggests that she doesn’t see anything wrong with what happened. I also think he’s downplayed your relationship.

Was it clear that you were angry?

Original poster
Imaunicorndavid · 07/02/2025 08:43

SecretSoul · 07/02/2025 08:39

What did you say to him on the phone this morning OP?

If you’re close enough to have a key to his place then it feels logical to mention that someone might be kipping on the sofa if you let yourself in… It’s not “running things by you”, it’s just normal communication in a trusted relationship.

I fail to see why her suitcases were in HIS room not his flatmates if they were the ones who organised the trip.

Also, and most importantly, how did they end up cuddling each other to sleep? You said it’s a large sofa - why were they all snuggled up together? You need an honest answer from him rather than just a shrug.

And him offering to stay with you now is rather too little, too late. That doesn’t negate what you saw.

I wouldn’t be quick to forgive this. What’s he like normally - very tactile and huggy with friends?

I told him I felt betrayed and upset.
He was very apologetic, he told me that they were sat beside each other as his two roommates had been at the other end of the sofa. He says he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her or cuddling her.

He keeps saying he would never think to tell me if someone was staying and I don’t tell him when I have someone staying. He then told be that he had let a girl from work sleep on the sofa last year and never told me about that as it wasn’t relevant.

I still feel really hurt, uneasy and betrayed.

OP posts:
Bubblyb00b · 07/02/2025 08:46

Imaunicorndavid · 07/02/2025 08:43

I told him I felt betrayed and upset.
He was very apologetic, he told me that they were sat beside each other as his two roommates had been at the other end of the sofa. He says he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her or cuddling her.

He keeps saying he would never think to tell me if someone was staying and I don’t tell him when I have someone staying. He then told be that he had let a girl from work sleep on the sofa last year and never told me about that as it wasn’t relevant.

I still feel really hurt, uneasy and betrayed.

Show quote history

He is taking you for a fool. If you are planning to stay with this waste of space, at least make it difficult for him - stop talking to him for a bit and make a lot of fuss, make him grovel.

But I would get rid because he is setting the scene where he can have females around him without you being able to object. You will never know if he is sleeping with them or not; it will be a nightmare.

honeypancake · 07/02/2025 08:46

It is messy. That's why I cut all ties with all exes, no talking, no texting, not agreeing to meet, no matter how close emotionally we were. There is no such thing as staying friends with exes and not causing anxiety for your current partner. If he respected you he would have not invited her in secret, and would have not fallen asleep with her on the sofa. It doesn't matter what culture he is from, you and your comfort and how you would feel should have been his priority, not accommodating the ex!

Bulkypeepants · 07/02/2025 08:49

Imaunicorndavid · 07/02/2025 08:18

I don’t really mind that he messages her, I have an ex who I message as a friend too.
They were together for 2 years but friends since they were toddlers so I feel like it would be unfair to say you have to totally cut someone you’ve known your whole life out. I don’t like the cuddling at all though.

Show quote history

No that's bullshit. Unless has kids with his ex, he does not need to be speaking to her.

SecretSoul · 07/02/2025 08:50

I really feel for you OP. It’s one of those situations that’s enough to be seriously, seriously upset about - but there’s enough doubt there that anything actually happened.

It doesn’t sound like they had sex but maybe a kiss and a cuddle. And even if not, there’s emotional intimacy between them that places you firmly on the outside.

He’s talking absolute shit about not remembering how he put his arm round her. I think he needs to be straight with you - or else it’s over. And that’s what you say to him. Lots of women would dump his arse right away, and with good reason, so giving him the opportunity to provide an honest explanation is extremely bloody generous.

Out of interest, would he be cool if a random bloke from work slept on your sofa? Or if he caught you having a snuggly snooze with an ex?

YourWildAmberSloth · 07/02/2025 08:52

Not what you asked, but I wouldn't be giving keys to my home to my boyfriend of less than 18 months (presumably he's had them for a while), especially when you have a child.