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Original poster

I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

348 replies

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 22:58

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

OP posts:
Cardinalita90 · 07/02/2025 00:45

Nah, if this was innocent he'd have mentioned it to you that she was staying. They might not have had sex that night but if she's been staying for a few nights it could have happened before or been in the pipeline. If they're comfortable enough to be cuddling up on a sofa, they're sharing a bed (whether sexually or otherwise). He's also shown where his loyalties lie when you asked him to move her into a hotel. He's telling you she takes priority. Cut and run.

SophieGee · 07/02/2025 00:53

Move on. Life is too short and too much time is wasted when the trust goes.

Lovebirdslovetea · 07/02/2025 00:54

Well it was a coincidence that you caught them. If you hadn’t been drinking you wouldn’t have known. There’s obviously more to the story that he hasn’t told you. You deserve better

caringcarer · 07/02/2025 01:07

If he'd cared about your feelings when you suggested moving her to a hotel he would have done so. He put her feelings before yours. That would be the thing for me.

Codlingmoths · 07/02/2025 01:27

I wouldn’t care if she is just a friend, it’s really disrespectful of the relationship for him to think that’s fine and no need to mention it, and then to be doubling down on that when you’re obviously not ok with it.

GoldFishPocketWatch · 07/02/2025 01:28

So my feeling is that his explanation is quite plausible, but I personally would hate it.

Nancyblu · 07/02/2025 03:16

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 22:58

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

😪 stay strong hun easier said than done I think cheating would of been in my mind too because he could if rang and told you when she just turned up .. was he speaking to her before she turned up .. got his number ect … sorry but my head would have so many questions and somewhere along the line he trip up because no one cam tells lies forever they always forget something they’ve said big hugs xxxx

NiftyKoala · 07/02/2025 03:58

I hope you mean you walked in on your ex and his ex on the sofa. You deserve better.

Newposter180 · 07/02/2025 04:02

You’re only 26 and it’s only been 18 months - run and don’t look back! Also v rude for them to speak in another language in front of you, and obviously saying things they didn’t want you to hear.

Havingaswimmoose · 07/02/2025 04:10

I'd let him know that I've considered the new rules of the relationship. That I'm happy to admit he's right.

Oh and add that I'm having Fred, my ex, over to stay and I think I'd agree with sleeping in Fred's arms as an absolutely acceptable new aspect to my life.

After you've had a few days fun with his reaction get rid of him.

Cushioncut · 07/02/2025 04:12

I would have expected my partner of 18 months to tell me his ex-girlfriend was staying. I wonder what other things he rationalises about keeping quiet. I do tend to fall asleep on sofas though.

Changedforadvice · 07/02/2025 04:36

How did it make you feel?

If it wasn't loved and respected it's time to move on.

Newfoundzestforlife · 07/02/2025 05:05

Maddy70 · 07/02/2025 00:05

I am very good friends with many of my ex's. I would reasonably invite them over of they were in town and it's reasonable to fall asleep on a couch. If they were clothed I would be ok with it. They were.not in the bedroom don't you hug your friends?

I don't fall asleep hugging friends....especially exes!

2021x · 07/02/2025 05:07

Been through this… she is not his ex or she doesn’t think she is.

You can do better x

Scarydinosaurs · 07/02/2025 05:18

Would he mind if you had ex-boyfriends staying overnight?

I consider myself pretty laid back when it comes to male/female friends - but this is too far!

Blobbitymacblob · 07/02/2025 05:41

Would he have been sleeping on the couch cuddling her if he had known you were about to walk in? Presumably not. Then he should have respect for you in your absence and not behave in a way that would upset you. How can you trust him otherwise? And more importantly, why would you trust him now?

It actually doesn’t really matter what he thinks he was or wasn’t doing, it’s about how it makes you feel and whether you want to be in a relationship where you feel like that.

MsDogLady · 07/02/2025 05:42

So he was embracing and snuggled up with his Ex while asleep on his roomy sofa? That intimate scene would be burned into my brain, and there’s no way that I would continue with him.

Besides the inappropriate cuddling, he also failed to inform you about her staying there, which is another example of his utter disrespect.

Walk away, @Imaunicorndavid. You can do much better.

JustMyView13 · 07/02/2025 05:53

If this crosses your line of what’s acceptable then that’s ok. We all have our own boundaries and it’s ok to assert yours.

It isn’t a great look for your BF. He didn’t tell you she’d be in the country, or that she’d be staying with him (why the cases if she’s not staying?) and then you found them cuddled on the sofa together. Whether there’s anything in that wouldn’t be the important part, it’s the breach of trust for me. If it meant nothing, he would’ve mentioned it. I highly doubt she just arrived on his doorstep, with her cases. And if she did, he should’ve respected you enough to turn her away. That would be my position. And you mention you have a DC. For their sake, I wouldn’t entertain someone who plays lose with the truth. It’s only likely to end with more heartache down the road.

I always say, when someone shows you who they are, take note.

Glorybox2025 · 07/02/2025 06:03

He's gaslighting you and he's not a serious relationship prospect. This is so far from acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/02/2025 06:12

Time to block and move on, you will never be able to trust him.

Starsandall · 07/02/2025 06:21

If it was as innocent as he says he would have told you they were still in touch and she is coming to stay etc.

Shrinkingrose · 07/02/2025 06:25

Sorry op, this is hard, but as young as you are, you know that to get into that position you need to be physically very close before hand, they had to have been lying together, cuddled up on the sofa. Couple that with her stuff in his room and him lying by ommison about her staying, and the planning in advance, and yes he is cheating with her. That was the plan. She was coming over and they were getting together, and he took the chance you’d not turn up.

i think you need to end it. As he knows you know, and will never have the same respect for you if you pretend otherwise and carry on, it gives him carte Blanche to cheat, and he will continue to do so.

GreyCarpet · 07/02/2025 06:25

My partner has female friends and I have male friends. Not a problem.

If either one of us found the other sleeping and snuggled up to an ex (or anyone else) on the sofa, we'd be over.

Deathraystare · 07/02/2025 06:31

@Imaunicorndavid
He says he didn’t see the need to tell me as he wouldn’t warn me

Oh and he would be sooooo understanding if the situation was reversed and your ex was on the couch with you!!!!

Onlyvisiting · 07/02/2025 06:36

How much of an ex v friend is she? And by that I mean were the together for years and lived together and have stayed on friendly terms, or have they been friends for years who tried dating for a few months? Even if they are genuinely just friends it's naive of him to think he shouldn't have told you she was visiting, but if she's more a friend than an ex it would bother me less IYSWIM.
And although it doesn't sound like he necessarily cheated TODAY it does sound like his boundaries suck and his commitment to communicating honestly with you isn't good enough.