I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

[Imaunicorndavid]

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

If he's running two girlfriends and it's on the sly with at least one of them, he's not trustworthy, you've had a lucky escape and if he's done it before he will do it again. The Italian girlfriend had better be on her guard.

If they've been sleeping together and I'm with other people you need to get an STI check up.

Personally I'd have to let him know you know the full truth now - and make him feel ashamed for his behaviour, just a text to say the housemate has told you the full story. Otherwise to might feel he's 'got away with it'.

You walked into a messy situation here - this is very much about him, his past, his entangled previous relationship and his dishonesty - not about you.

Take time to heal ❤️

Op, if she’d told you before, he’d have denied it and you’d have chosen to beleive him, she would have been the issue and she has to live there .

You saw it with your own eyes, you knew, and still you tried to stay with him, he wouldn’t even tell you straight he’d pick you.

there would have been no point in telling you before. But she did you a favour now. She’s told you they’ve always been together, they are the main relationship. Deep down you knew this anyway. No man will ever respect you for staying in when you know. It was very clear when you spoke about it and he wouldn’t confirm, that you were second best, the plan b whilst she wasn’t there.

it was shitty of him to do this to you and to her . But you bear some responsibility for trying to stay with him when deep down you knew. I’d ask myself why, about your self esteem, maybe you need counselling. But his housemate is not the issue. What he did to you, is the issue.

Honestly it’s not worth the effort. Feel the pain and then move on. These kind of behaviours are tolerated in most Italian/African cultures men can have several different women publicly and women tolerate it, they think it’s funny or don’t have a say in it.
That woman won’t get upset because she expects him to have a fuckbuddy as they live apart. She thinks she is the one loved and you are just to pass time with. I find that they also downplay a lot of things as nothing. They are too easy going.

This is rubbish! I have exes I am still good friends with and so does my DP. There’s no chance I would cheat with my exes.

Im not saying no one would cheat with a ex; but it is perfectly possible to remain platonic friends with exes.

This is utter bullshit . I come from an Italian family and no one I know does this.

This is such an immature attitude. If you have been friends with someone for years and had a romantic relationship with them, it is perfectly possible to have a platonic relationship with them afterwards. And if you feel you can maintain that kind of relationship, no reason not to.

Donsyb,
do you also cuddle up with your ex’s too and fall asleep in each others arms in their houses while they are dating different people?

Op I did wonder whether your reaction to you finding them together and the subsequent conversation where you really pushed him on his ex, and who he’d choose made him realise how serious you were about the relationship when he wasn’t, and it was his wake up call.

You say your relationship was unconventional because of both of your schedules - but this can also be a smokescreen for one person to legitimately slow progress of a relationship or to mask how committed each party is or isn’t. I say this not because I think you’re at fault at all here - clearly he’s a massively untrustworthy lethario - but it might be worth reflecting on whether there were any red flags about his commitment (the phone call while he was away etc). His whole living situation with his friends / ex’s best mate etc would’ve been far too messy for me. Did you discuss a shared future? Go on holiday together? These are things I’d expect after 18 months together. Saying he loves you was easy - it’s his actions that count.

Whilst Italians are typically more gregarious and outgoing than British people, I have not found this to be true. I have been with my Italian husband for many years and not seen this either within his family or his circle of friends.

In your first post you said he’d said “he offered her the sofa” but then later you said he said he couldn’t tell you because she arranged it with the couple. He’s slightly contradicting himself here, is he not? Regardless, he’s not respecting you or your feelings and trying to tell you you’re overreacting and that would be a big warning sign for me.

It’s actually racist as well as mygosnistic, I can’t beleive the poster made that up and posted it.

It’s a shame that you didn’t get in first and dump his arse after you caught them on the sofa together

Sorry op read your update and my heart goes out to you

To be in love and treated like this is just devastating. I hope you have friends around to support you through the heartbreak x

Oh that's so shit.

On the plus side, you've gotten rid of a man who smokes weed and lives with his mates. You don't want that for your Daughter.

No but that’s not the same as keeping in touch! Exes can keep in touch and be platonic friends, I never said they should cuddle up on the sofa - and as the OP has since found out, they weren’t really “exes”.

It's not racist, some cultures do turn a blind eye to mistresses and some allow multiple wives.

That's not to say everyone from those cultures does it.

She's back, love.

SHE'S BACK.

From her point of view, they were on a break, you were the temp, so now they're back together. Forget about her, she'll have some shit times ahead.

It hurts and it's horrible and you don't want to hear this but this weed smoking deadbeat failure to launch is not what you want around your child or yourself. Focus on being mum and finding yourself again.

The flatmate couldn't tell you before because it would break you both up, he'd blame her and they still have to live together. Now it's over, she knows she can tell you with no repercussions on her side. I'd thank her for it as now you won't take him back again. I hope you find a lovely man, you deserve one.

I don’t think generalisations and stereotypes are helpful. My husband is from Sicily - so most people immediately ask about the mafia or his connections to it. Big nope there (or anyone in his family or friends).

I am really sorry for the op, but I don’t think it has anything to do with the ex being Italian.

I think it’s hard to see it now but you’ve had a lucky escape. You don’t want someone who thinks it’s okay to have barely any contact for 3 weeks and hook up with an on and off again ex.

The flat mate was being brutally honest and as painful as it was to hear, I actually think it was for the best. Now you know what this horrible man was really like. You don’t need to feel upset over not being ‘chosen’ by him but instead feel annoyed at how much of your time he’s wasted!

Starting tomorrow, try not waste anymore time thinking about him. Focus on you and your child! Soon he will be a distant memory but for now, he isn’t worth any of your emotions.

Very good point!

Who said they are?

You speak from your experience, I speak from mine.

I know it’s hard but at least you know where you stand now and can move on….
try to be thankful you’re out of this circus, leave those clowns to it xx

It is true though, and it's not really a stereotype. I had the same issue when trying to explain to an ex of mine that English woman are just more vanilla in bed than my european exes. I didn't mean to insult them, it's just a cultural thing