I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

[NavyDog]

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

You need to stop.

You're over stepping massively.

Leave her alone.

You are pushing her boundaries and need to leave her alone however she shouldn't be taking money from you for her kids so stop sending her cash.

You need to draw a line and go no contact

I've got no idea what you're doing but you don't sound like a psychopath.

You need to stop all contact. Stop emailing her, stop buying her presents, stop going there. Stop paying money for children that aren't yours.

Get some therapy to help you let go and if you're suicidal, see your GP.

Stop paying child support unfortunately they are not your dc,

go not contact an leave it be.

You need to leave her alone. She doesn't want a relationship and she has said she's scared of you. Respect her wishes and back off.

It is sad about the children, but in the 5 or so years of the relationship did you not consider getting married and then adopting the children? In order to formalise the relationship with them?

I was considering proposing within a year & yes I have mentioned adoption before. But we didn’t really go down that route because I always felt safe and secure that she wouldn’t ever tear them away from me.

Yes you are harassing her.

You have no legal relationship with the children.

Sending her presents from the children, the angry emails etc etc are massively out of order and yes you almost certainly have scared the shit out of her.

If you did not take steps while in the relationship to adopt the children or otherwise formalise your relationship you have no right to see them.

Stop it.

All of it.

It's more for the children's stability than yours, and in a relationship where you're not married and don't have parental responsibility then any feeling of security is sadly an illusion.

You are harassing her and need to back off. I know you are hurt and want to tell her how you feel but she is not your therapist.

Stop paying for the kids ffs.

Use that money on getting yourself some therapy and help with your mental health.

Unless you want the police on your doorstep, don’t ever contact her again.

Stop paying her money and move on

It feels like it’s my role. Whether anybody says the kids are mine legally or not, in my heart they’re my children and always will be. I love them to death. and I see dead beat fathers not wanting to see their kids, or not paying maintenance and I don’t want to be like that.

If you feel suicidal, your ex isn't the person to contact. Was it the break-up that made you feel like this? Quite manipulative to go to her with it, if that's the case. Very "I want you to know what you've driven me to."
Don't do this - contact a friend, or a professional.

I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience.
As a Mum, it's not the end of the world if you don't receive birthday presents from your kids. You're trying to use her children as an excuse to remain in her life.
They're not your kids, stop sending her money, she wants you gone.

She's probably gone no contact because of the "4 quick bursts of anger" plus suicide threats and emotional manipulation with presents.
An ex-boyfriend who was unable to stop himself from emailing angrily wouldn't ever be around my kids again, either.

Posting on Reddit then sending it to her was supposed to achieve...what, exactly? Again, this is manipulative. I doubt strangers on the internet are more informed than friends who actually know her. She's doing exactly the right thing listening to them about you.

You are harassing her. Leave her alone.

You don't have a choice. You don't have parental responsibility and didn't seek it when living with the children.

Stop with the unwanted contact, and get some counselling or therapy. Rage and threatening suicide when faced with a difficult situation is something that needs addressing urgently.

But you need to stop. It’s over, it’s done.

Regardless of what you feel, they’re not your kids and you are just dragging this on. The money could be seen as manipulation to keep that thread of contact open.

Shes told you it’s over. Stop giving her money, stop buying gifts, stop sending messages - just stop all of it before she gets some sort of restraining order on you.

Leave her alone. She doesn't want you in her life. Leave her alone.

Hi, to clarify, I emailed the 4 emails out of anger. But they weren’t angry emails. I have never spoke aggressively nor would I ever.

As for the suicide thing, no, I just wanted to hear her voice before I went. The problem I had is, when I heard it I didn’t want to go anymore.

As for the presents, I saw it as being mature and amicable. You’ve given me insight as to why somebody may think this is manipulative, but I’d already bought all the presents for Christmas before the breakup and for her birthday, I genuinely just wanted to be nice. It’s what I’ve done every year before this one, and I knew her awful family wouldn’t bother doing it in my place.

Anyway, thanks for your perspective. Always valuable to have different ones.

It sounds like you are still hurting from the breakup which is understandable..BUT…

She has moved on and your contact is not wanted. She has not reciprocated in any way so the split is absolutely final. Yes, you may want to remain in contact but you don’t have legal rights so I’m afraid you need to abide by that decision and move on.

Therapy is a good suggestion to help this. Also ceasing to make any payments to her. It can be hard to admit that there’s no hope of seeing the kids because you felt like their dad, but her decision as their parent means you need to come to terms with this.

It may take time to recover from this upheaval in your life, but you will eventually be able to move forward.

Unless you want her to go to the police (future relationships could then be jeopardised), leave her well alone.
You weren't even the DC's SD, regardless of what you feel. You have no right to see them or to try to manipulate their DM with gifts from them. There is no expectation of CM, stop it now.
I'd like to hear her side to this.

They aren't your children, so pursuing contact with them against their mother's wishes is going to cause you nothing but pain. As hard as it is when you've formed a relationship, this is what happens when you split up and there are children involved. You aren't related to them and you don't have any rights.

It does sound as though you have veered into harassment territory. She has the right to refuse further contact with you, for herself and her children. It doesn't matter whether you feel it's fair or not - it's reality, and you are going to get yourself into serious trouble if you don't accept it and start finding a way to move on. Leave her alone.

Yes you're massively crossing the line.. they aren't your kids, leave her alone!

As for the suicide thing, no, I just wanted to hear her voice before I went.

Did you actually tell her that? Because if you did that's fucking appalling mate. I'm sorry you're obviously hurting but you need to stop. She's not your girlfriend and they're not your kids. You need to come to terms with that.

Let it go.

No I didn’t tell her that. Of course I didn’t.

Yeah your behaviour isn't good but I do massively feel for you living essentially like you're DC Dad for years then suddenly not seeing them any more, that must be heartbreaking

If you truly love these kids, then the best thing you can do is leave their mum alone. She will be transmitting her anxiety and stress over this breakup onto them, and if she says she feels harassed that should be enough for you to listen and back off. I would feel scared in her position, too, this behaviour makes you seem erratic and unpredictable and that will make her scared for herself and her kids. I would recommend not contacting her ever again, and doing some therapy to help you come to terms with the loss.