I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

[NavyDog]

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

You’re not listening or taking things onboard. Going to a solicitor to try and force your ex to give you access against her will is massively crossing the line

It might be very very painful right now but you seriously need to let this go before you get yourself arrested

You seem quite reisstent to the many posters saying you need to back off.

So I imagine that your ex might see you in the same light, as someone who is not able to respect boundaries.

That can be scary as a woman and a mother.

Even if you felt/feel like their father, you're not. And that might be incredibly difficult for you too deal with. But a solicitor's letter isn't going to fix this. It'll make it worse.

Stop the money and move on.

Psychopath? No. But you are absolutely, 100% harassing her with contact that she doesn't want. You say you emailed her 10 times in two months - you're emailing her weekly, basically, and four of those were 'in anger'. You posted about your relationship on Reddit and then emailed her to show her other people's opinions to prove she's in the wrong?! Honestly, if a partner did that to me I'd feel very harassed and I'd think they were losing their mind.

It was also not your place to be sending presents on behalf of the children. Clearly she would know they were actually coming from you and it would have come across as being very manipulative on your part. Calling her to tell her you were going to take your own life because she'd dumped you was also manipulative.

Stop paying child support for children that aren't yours. And then leave her alone. Persistent unwanted contact, even if it isn't 'aggressive', is harassment. I understand that you want to see the children, and I'm really sorry that you haven't been allowed to, but ultimately you are not helping matters with the way you've behaved. You need to either do everything through a solicitor re. access to the children (although I don't think you'd be granted access as you aren't their father) or you need to walk away entirely.

You haven’t legally adopted the children, you aren’t their father, so you have zero rights.

Move on.

Why does your ex say the relationship is over?

In short, yes, from the suicide threats to the emotionally manipulative sending of presents and repeated messages, your behaviour does seem abusive post-breakup.

In that regard, it seems unlikely that you've never behaved abusively before. Being unaware that what you're doing is abuse doesn't make it excusable. Most abusers do not regard their behaviour as abusive, they always feel they are justified in behaving the way they have behaved, or say they never intended to hurt their partner.

I understand your pain but you need to stop. They are not your kids. They are hers. Please just leave her alone. She cannot have been clearer. She wants you to stop. Refusing to do so, getting a lawyer involved is all just continual harrassment.

it is over. I know it hurts. I understand you love the kids. But it is over. They are not your kids.

I see dead beat fathers not wanting to see their kids, or not paying maintenance and I don’t want to be like that

You will not be like that because you are not their father. You cannot be a 'dead beat father' to children that are not your children.

You were only with this woman for five years. She was your girlfriend and they were your girlfriend's kids. I appreciate that you love them, but ultimately, you shouldn't be acting as if you are their dad, because you are not.

A cease and desist because as a man, telling the world you’re abusive without foundation is defamation. Furthermore, the letter would include a legal request to see the children (first step).

The Reddit thread was my attempt of making her see different points of view. Because a lot of people have said she is acting out of order, but don’t want to get involved. I wanted to do an impartial post for her to see different perspectives from anonymous people.

It is highly, highly unlikely you would be awarded PR. Especially if your ex doesn't agree to it and opposes it in court which I'm certain she will. She will also now have evidence of your harassment.
DH is a family law solicitor and said he has never heard of this happening. The only way a non-related person would get PR is if the bio parent agreed to it and wanted it.

Im not sure what kind of second rate solicitor you've been seeing but they should've informed you of this.

I think it is very vindictive and threatening to go after her children.

Leave them alone.

It seems like we've all given you a sanity check and said that you need to stop what you are doing but you don't want to accept this and all your posts are defending your behaviour. It's weird and you need to move on.

My ex said all sorts about me that was untrue after we separated, including some rather nasty accusations and character attacks.

Did I sic lawyers on him? No, of course not. Anyone who knows me well knows that what he was saying was rubbish, and anyone who knows me so little that they might believe him is basically irrelevant to my life.

Your actions indicate a strong need to control others.

It’s very difficult when for the last 5+ years, the very woman tearing them away is the person who kept encouraging you to be more of a Dad to them.

The Reddit thread was my attempt of making her see different points of view. Because a lot of people have said she is acting out of order, but don’t want to get involved. I wanted to do an impartial post for her to see different perspectives from anonymous people.

For balance, will you also be sending her this 'impartial post' that is full of perspectives that yes, your behaviour sounds manipulative and quite possibly abusive? Or are you only interested in her seeing perspectives that support your view of things?

I am not defending anything. I was answering questions people had asked. At no point did I say anybody was wrong.

So you want to sue her for defamation? Do you think that would help a judge see you as a reasonable father figure for these children, and do you think that a court would agree that you are not harassing your ex and being abusive. Adding a request to see the children into a letter threatening to sue for defamation doesn't seem like the best way of persuading your ex to let you see her children.

As for the Reddit thing, this is just crazy. It's not impartial! It would be your view on the situation, without any input from her, and randoms that don't know you, her or anything about what happened giving their opinions. It's madness to think it's ok to do this and then SEND IT TO HER!

You can't FORCE her to see your point of view. That's controlling, and, well, abusive.

You aren’t going to get anywhere with a defamation case.

Just drop it.

Move on.

You've handled this incredibly badly.

If your ex was posting on here, we'd probably be advising her to get an injunction against you.

Back right off.

Threatening to kill yourself is manipulative and abusive
Sending her stuff she doesn't want is stalking behaviour.
Repeatedly contacting her is stalking behaviour.
Sending her money is manipulative
Making a Reddit post and sending her the link is stalking and creepy behaviour. I'd freak the fuck out in her shoes.
Sending her solicitors letters when she doesn't want contact is stalking behaviour.

There's a reason she dumped you after 5 years with a text.

Leave her alone or you're going to find yourself on the end of the police.

Nothing you're saying matters. Nothing.

She doesn't want you in hers or her kids lives. The end.

Of course I would, then I’d apologise. However, I’ve also vowed to do no contact. So I’m not sure if that would be a good idea. What do you think?

God no.

Leave her alone.

Two or more unwanted contacts is hassas ent under the law I read on here the other day. Didn't check it as it's not so ething I need to, but you sound way OTT

Do not send her this post or anything else.
Draw a line under it and move on.

Ffs mate Reddit is a hot bed for incels and red pill Andrew Tate supporters who have women so the fact they think she’s in the wrong is no shock. They’d call Mother Theresa a slapper!

And it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. SHE doesn’t want you and that’s the only opinion that counts.

And I do have to say that I’m starting to think that the fact you’re literally not taking a word on board here that maybe your behaviour isn’t quite as innocent as you’re painting it. You don’t seem to have any self awareness of your actions

I think you should leave her alone and stop trying to control her.

I understand you don't like her choices and miss her children, but do you really want to try to force a relationship with the children of a woman who has said she considers you abusive and is scared of you?

Of course it is.

I can only imagine what it must feel like raising a cat or dog for 5 years and my bf taking it away from me when I love it so much.
It would be absolutely heart breaking.
And it would be even worse for a human child.

But all of the contact etc isn’t helping this situation.

The best thing you can do is go no contact (which includes not paying for the kids).

You will still be heartbroken but at least you won’t be seen as abusive, harassing and stalking on top.

Whatever you are doing now isn’t working and isn’t going to work.
The more you push, the more she’ll pull away.
Just go complete non contact and work on moving forward.