I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

[NavyDog]

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

That’s true. But I guess my thinking cap was still on at the time to protect Christmas at all costs, I kind of just wanted to make sure the experience was authentic. Wrapping them herself just seems cruel to me, felt like she deserved that at least.

It’s always been tradition to buy the little girl a rose for Valentine’s Day. Which honestly is making me tear up thinking about. However, yeah, I won’t be sending or dropping one off this year which will be my first “event” that I’ve neglected/ignored since.

I just hope somebody else steps up to get her rose. She deserves the world, as does her brother and Mum.

I have literally said I’m not doing anymore contact.

It’s always been tradition to buy the little girl a rose for Valentine’s Day.

This is really creepy.

Pink rose for a daughter and red for a lover. Quite common practise according to florist, however, in this regard I don’t care what you think. The little girl loved it, and the Mum did too. But thanks!

Straight up....I find your actions and posts excessive, creepy and worrying. Not someone I would want around me or my hypothetical children.

You've made at least 13 unwanted contacts. You are dealing with solicitors over a break up. You don't appear to respect boundaries or have control of your emotions. All of this is frightening and concerning to the majority of women.

It's over. They are not your children. You are struggling and need mental health care and support. You need to prioritise you and focus on accepting that it's over and you are dealing with it in a very unhealthy manner. Lean on your support team. Figure out when you are acting the way you are but put healthier coping mechanisms in place.

I just hope somebody else steps up to get her rose. She deserves the world, as does her brother and Mum.

Her mum who you are sending lawyer’s letters to threatening her with defamation action and implying you will take her to court for access? That Mum?

This is the biggest issue though. You are deciding all the feelings here, assuming her feelings on little things such as how she gets her birthday presents (not your problem anymore) to how her breaking up with you and expecting you to keep away from her family is affecting you (not her problem anymore, at all). It’s all ‘me me me’ even when mentioning them. The grandiose declarations such as ‘they deserve the world’ (and if you’re anything like my ex, said with the widest puppy dog eyes) doesn’t make you endearing, especially not to her. Again, as with my first post it just feels like you’re placing your ownership of them.

She needs to return the money to you as she’s not allowing you to see the children.

I’m sorry but she will almost certainly have had her head turned by someone else.

But I guess my thinking cap was still on at the time to protect Christmas at all costs, I kind of just wanted to make sure the experience was authentic.

But it's not authentic. The reality was you and the mum have split up, things are not the same, rather you intruded on Christmas when you're no longer a part of it for their family unit. It was protecting your version of Christmas, not theirs.

After two months of no contact and a solicitor saying this is the best route for seeing the kids? Yeah.

What else do you suggest? They say I have a good chance. Communication isn’t working, so I’m out of options. It’s that, or give up on the kids. This doesn’t mean I dislike or want hurt onto the mother, it means I have no options left and have seeked legal advise (without pulling the trigger)

They’re not your kids. You’re harassing their mum and talking about wanting to share valentines with her daughter. You think you’re showing love in a powerful way but with every post you’re showing why she’s making the right choices for her children. You do not own any of them, they are not yours.

When rationally explained from your perspective much of it seems reasonable. BUT it doesn't take her feelings into account.

She's thinking 'we're over but he won't knave me alone'. So your behaviour doesn't seem considerate. It seems smothering.

Back off completely.
Stop paying child support. Those aren't your kids.
I understand if you were the breadwinner, in which case, 2 month child support as a nice gesture until she works again is kind. But you need to stop now before she feels its an obligation.

Do not make further contact. She can reach out if she wishes. But for now, stay away.

So you think your ‘only option’ is to try and use legal channels to force your ex to give you access to her children against her wishes?

How is that a good thing for anyone but you?

Sorry but I agree with a PP - everything you say reads ‘me me me me me me me’

You dont give a shit about her feelings it’s all about you

Again, is it really your intention to try to force contact with children whose mother believes you to be abusive and who has made it clear she does not believe a continued relationship with you is appropriate?

Do you truly believe that is going to be the best outcome for the children?

What makes the solicitor think you have a good chance? Genuinely, I'm interested to hear the reasoning.

Men don’t deserve respect simply for the Y chromosome. Posts are judged based on the information given, and the women on MN will tell men or women equally when they’re behaving inappropriately. And harassing your ex and legally demanding to see children who are not yours whilst giving zero insight into why she split with him is the definition of unreasonable behaviour.

I can understand why you feel so heartbroken. It’s not just the end of your relationship with your ex, but that of being a dad too.
Sadly, it’s over and you need to give yourself time and patience to recover from this relationship. Do you have family and friends that can support you?
All the best.

Because they get paid either way, especially on something that will drag out and likely be appealed…

Yes, I know and was going to say this as my next response. But I wanted to hear his reasoning first.

Let's try an alternative approach-
Op, please be brutally honest. If you hadn't had these responses, would you have sent the little girl a rose on Valentine's Day?

YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. NOT TO HER. NOT TO US.

You have no alright to see those kids (fully appreciate that it must hurt). You need to focus on accepting that. Not on trying to find a way.

Do you really want to traumatise two child but forcing them to see a man who isn't relative and how is no longer with their mum. Causing all.courses of questions and reluctance etc. If you really fo care for them, let them go. Let her go. Focus on you.

Nope, because I already vowed to myself I’m going silent.

I mean, I did order them ages ago but I’ll need to cancel it.

Ah fair enough, jumped the gun sorry!

I do have a few questions myself about this legally mandated contact though @NavyDog . What exactly are you fighting for? Are you going for 50/50? Are you going to take on full parental responsibilities? Dentist appointments, taking them to the doctors, school runs, buying their clothes/shoes/uniforms when needed, parents evening, do you have suitable housing to have them over? Or is this just going to be a couple of hours on the weekend playing Disney step-dad? Either way, it’s just another way to force your ex to have to see and interact with you, over children that would move on in a few months if you took a clean break.