I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

[NavyDog]

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

This post is embarrassing as hell. I’m being as honest as physically possible.

As for why, I don’t want to go into the specifics unless she gave the nod. Which, uh, isn’t going to happen right now (or maybe ever).

Why did she split up with you?

Sorry, but you’re absolutely rotten.

If your mental health is so bad that you are under the care of the crisis team I would suggest not posting online and arguing with strangers. Contact the crisis team and talk to them.

Talking about your feelings is fine. Using them to ignore someone else's feelings - not fine.

I noticed this too , trying to make the women on here feel “guilty “for being factual.

@NavyDog - You do talk as though your capable of self reflection, although it’s clear to see you’re unable to accept you are (and likely have been) controlling.

Please spend some reflecting, perhaps with your therapist that you are incapable of accepting her decision. As hurtful as it is, her decision is final, you do not get a say in it and it is not up for debate.

Stop paying maintenance also, you can always put it into an account for them.

As for why, I don’t want to go into the specifics unless she gave the nod. Which, uh, isn’t going to happen right now (or maybe ever).

Quelle surprise!

All of this.

^And the people on this forum so far have done a great job of this. 🙏

This is a great example of emotional manipulation. You are being told that you are harassing someone you claim to love and that you need to stop. You are on the precipice of being an incredibly dangerous man if you do not stop this immediately.

This will be painful for you to hear and accept OP.
However...
This lady doesn't want to be with you.
No amount of communication from you is going to change her mind.
The level of your communications to her is bordering on harassment.
This will further drive her away. Rightly so. You need to stop talking to her or trying to and leave her alone before you fins yourself with serious allegations made against you.
The children are not yours.
Stop paying her money. I refuse to call it maintenance because these children are not your responsibility.
You can argue that but the fact remains the same, you have no rights to them and she is exercising her right to keep them and herself away from you.
You need support. Especially with your mental health. Please speak to a doctor or other mental health specialist.
You need to learn that behaviour like this is desperate and unhealthy.

Note: the presents were bought BY the children, as I took them out to get their Mum the presents before we broke up. They picked them, that was our tradition.

Yep. Playing the suicide card. Seen it all before.

The navel gazing supposed introspective posts but not actually taking on board that everyone is telling you your behaviour is abusive.

Straight on the defensive “Oh men can’t talk about their feelings”. This isn’t about your feelings. It is about your behaviour.

Your behaviour is abusive and no wonder she is scared of you.

I see it hasn’t taken long for the mask to slip

if this is real, which I doubt because no one who was genuine could be this deluded but just in case it is

leave her the fuck alone

wow

I only came on here tonight to talk about getting a new telly, but saw this...

some of the reactions on this thread are incredible...

Speak to a qualified psychologist or counsellor~
Making Reddit threads and Mumsnet posts won’t help you to look at your deeper motives.

Rejection hurts everyone, men and women, but one has to learn to let go.

-Threatening suicide is a low blow, and very manipulative - the only people it really affects are the children and immediate family and the poor souls who have to deal with the body.

It’s traumatic for them.

It’s far better to look at your feelings honestly with a trained and experienced therapist. 👍

In which case you should have just pozted them to her.

Simply:

This woman no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, and does not want you to contact her.

You continue to contact her against her wishes.

You are not the biological father of the children and are not their legal step father.

Therefore you have to legal rights to see them.

Leave her alone. Spend thousands attempting to take her to court if that's what you wish to do, it's your money to throw away.

But you're very unlikely to succeed in forcing her to allow you to see them against her wishes.

This is certainly harassment.

I’m saying thank you for everybodies perspective. I have already said I will not be contacting again.

I came on here for female bias opinions for a reason. It wasn’t to get my ego stroked, it was to get roasted because I do want to see every perspective available.

MumsNet delivered what I asked for. I said thank you, and for this I’m being manipulative.

I was wholeheartedly saying thank you. But, please emotionally educate me, what should I have said which would have avoided manipulation? I was trying to be polite and I am genuinely thankful.

Is your ex a Mumsnet user?

But it’s clear for whatever reason, she doesn’t want you around her or her children anymore. I’d have left the gifts when leaving saying ‘these are from the kids, I suggest wrapping them and opening them on the day’, instead it feels like you’ve lost held them back as a reason to have to go back to her. So even though the kids did get them, you still used the gifts as a power play. This ‘tradition’ is now over.

I hope not. To my knowledge, no.

But, please emotionally educate me, what should I have said which would have avoided manipulation? I was trying to be polite and I am genuinely thankful.

Mate, it's not about words. It's about motivation and the reasons why you behave as you do. We are not your emotional support animals.

This is like men saying they'll help round the house if we'll only tell them what to do.

Work it out for yourself. We are all different. We're not paint by numbers animations.

Bet he’s hoping she is, especially having sent her the Reddit link. It reminds me of my narc mother who in my childhood used to sneer ‘all my friends /work colleagues think you’re horrible as well’. It didn’t modify my behaviour, but it did give me a strong sense of not giving a shit what people I didn’t know thought of me.

Please just stop.
You are not able to see the wood for the trees here. This one detail does not mitigate everything else you have shared.

Every time you post you are insinuating we don’t understand, and if we really understood YOUr feelings we would understand how little your ex’s feelings really matter and how illogical they are and how wrong she is about you.

Just stop. Work on your therapy. Really reflect on your behaviour. Stop trying to outsource your emotional regulation to a bunch of women you’ve never met, and then becoming bitter and defensive when they don’t roll over and tell you you’re clearly the nicest man on earth and any woman would be lucky to have you and you don’t deserve any of this.