I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

[NavyDog]

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

I agree. The plan is already to leave her to it, however I was looking for my own sanity check.

Furthermore, no mentions of mental abuse was ever mentioned before the break up. Or manipulation. It’s only been since the breakup, I’ve always been known as a very calm, “logical” and “factual” person. In fact that used to annoy her about me. It’s just hurt my soul that somebody thinks I’m harassing them, because I really haven’t meant to. I’ve just been in absolute crisis, and I love her and the children more than anything.

Reddit really is a man’s forum.

Please leave her alone. Stop sending angry messages in rapid succession, stop posting about your relationship on the internet and then sending her the messages to prove to her that she’s wrong and should take you back, stop trying to make her responsible for your mood issues.

Seek professional help if you feel suicidal. Don’t use this to manipulate someone to take you back. That is horrible and abusive.

I don’t doubt that you are hurting tremendously. But I also wonder whether she and those kids are safer without your volatility and instability right now.

I don’t imagine this breakup has come out of the clear blue sky, and the fact that you can’t see how you’ve been unreasonable and want to keep pointing out that she’s no angel, you’re paying child support, etc suggests that you are not an easy person to work through conflicts or misunderstandings with, as your first instinct is to get defensive followed by going on the attack.

Let go of the idea that you will get back together, seek professional help with managing your emotions, and move on with your life.

Whether she tells people you're abusive doesn't matter. You can tell people you're not.

In isolation those things don't seem so bad. But they're not isolated incidents, they're a pattern of behaviour.

Emails, phonecalls, payments, presents, the trying to get her to see things from a different point of view, they're all attempts to stay in touch.

Sorry to say it but you need to move on, however difficult that may be.

Or she didn't feel safe to express that while in the relationship.

And sometimes thinking you're the "calm, logical, factual" person means you're actually not hearing the other person and are being dismissive of them.

If you lived with her, why did she break up with you by text? Could it be that she already felt as though you'd manipulate or harass her because this is the behaviour she's used to from you?

Nobody is denying that it is difficult. Of course it's difficult. I sympathise.

But the fact that you are finding it difficult still doesn't mean that it's reasonable or appropriate to keep contacting the children's mother when she doesn't want to hear from you.

If you think you have a legal right to the see the children, go to a solicitor. You can't expect that she'll grant you access to them simply because you threaten suicide, repeatedly email her, pay child maintenance of your own volition and send her presents. That is not how it works. You are just making things worse.

Everyone here has told you that you are behaving inappropriately and/or that your behaviour amounts to stalking/harassment. But every time someone points out that something you did was wrong, you just say 'But I did it because...' as if that somehow negates the fact that it was wrong.

You don't seem to understand that your motive for all of this is completely immaterial. The fact that you desperately want to see the children does not, on any level, mean that it's acceptable to do the things you have done, so stop trying to explain away your behaviour. Your behaviour absolutely IS harassment and your ex is not unreasonable to say that it is.

OP, I really feel for you. It sounds like you love the children as your own, and just wanted to do the right thing - I do know of co-parents who send things to their exes from the kids on mother's/father's day, but I can see why given the circumstances it may have seemed manipulative in this situation. Paying maintenance for the kids that aren't your own, I think just goes to show you only want the best for them.

I think you're hurting a lot and I do think it's shit that she won't let you see the children after saying she would, given your relationship as father figure to them. Though, I don't know her reasons and I'm sure they may also be valid. How old are they? Old enough to understand? Will they miss you / want a relationship with you too? Has she said why you can't see them specifically or is it all re the harassing etc?

I think it sounds like you're struggling and the contact you have had hasn't been the best, despite your intentions being in the right place. Sadly PPs are right, it could be / she may well see it as harassing / manipulative. And unfortunately as the children aren't yours, you don't have any parental rights over them. Seek further advice from your solicitor if you genuinely want to continue to see them, but I would really urge you to first have a period of no contact, and get some therapy so you are in a better place and can think with a clearer head.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but it does sound like you need to back off for a while and focus on your mental health.

Thank you 🙏

Ah yes, you’ve always been the calm, rational, factual one (while she’s presumably been hysterical / irrational / unable to access logic and reason?) which is why it hurts your soul that anyone disagrees with you or doesn’t see that you are right. And why it is so hard for you to let go of trying to correct her flawed thinking in ending this relationship. you are objectively a good person, and she’s just too mad and illogical to see it!

We’ve all heard this one before.

Please seek help with this.

Your behaviour is disturbing and you are stalking this woman.

It is highly concerning you cannot see this. Leave the poor woman and her children alone.

It hurts my soul because somebody I love and have been the biggest fan of for many years now sees me like I’m a monster. As a man, I’ve always felt like it’s my responsibility to make her feel safe, look after her, and provide for her and the kids. Now, not only can I not do this, but I’m also the very person she fears or at the very least thinks is a huge inconvenience to her life. So yes, it hurts.

Right so -

You've attempted to sue her for deformation, because she's said you're abusive and harassing her. By sending her ten emails and threatening suicide and continually sending unwanted gifts - you are harassing her. Threatening to kill yourself is so manipulative and abusive and you can't seem to see that. Trying to sue is just another excuse to try be In her life and to see the children - they are not your children, you have no legal rights.

You aren't taking anything on board and defending your behaviour. I completely understand why she's frightened of you. You have no legal case, but she will if you continue. None of this is ok. You need to leave her and her children alone. If you love her so much why on earth would you try sue her and continue to frighten her?? If you ever cared about this woman - back off and leave her and her children alone.

I understand you're hurting - but you need to be told in no uncertain terms because your inability to see how you are behaving is genuinely terrifying. Stay away.

Your ex accuses you of being abusive.

You proceed to describe a bunch of abusive behavior.

You say it's her friends that are misinformed.

You think the best way to deal with this is a legal threat combined with a request to access children that aren't yours.

With all due respect it sounds like her friends are absolutely spot on. Please leave this woman alone. You are not entitled to her time or a relationship with her children.

Repeated for truth!!

It is this way because of your behaviour, though. It hasn’t come from nowhere. You are not being persecuted here. Try to learn from this.

Why did she dump you?

“It hurts my soul because somebody I love and have been the biggest fan of for many years now sees me like I’m a monster. As a man, I’ve always felt like it’s my responsibility to make her feel safe, look after her, and provide for her and the kids. Now, not only can I not do this, but I’m also the very person she fears or at the very least thinks is a huge inconvenience to her life. So yes, it hurts.”

We have all heard this long winded dramatic waffle before. The way you write reminds me of someone I knew actually. He almost certainly had a personality disorder. Lots of words to describe how my he was suffering to gain sympathy.

It’s not about you. SHE doesn’t want you. She doesn’t want you and although you feel bad that doesn’t mean she has to put up with your behaviour. Leave her alone and for gods sake see a therapist.

somebody I love and have been the biggest fan of for many years now sees me like I’m a monster.

Typically people do not suddenly start regarding nice people as monsters for no reason. I would suggest that your ex has actually been giving you feedback about why she is unhappy for some time but you have completely dismissed it. You haven't answered repeated questions as to what you understand the reason to be for the breakup.

I'm always a bit sceptical when guys come on here like this. It's like their abusive behaviour and manipulation hasn't worked and they can't quite get why. So they want to get a group of women to help them identify how they can dial it down so they can go for a different tack. And when the women here can spot it a mile off it's all woe is me and being defensive.

Anyway. Regardless of what a solicitor is telling you, I'd be utterly amazed if you got access and she would be fighting it tooth and nail. And your suicidal cry for help would give her a huge leverage as she would absolutely be saying you're not safe around the kids.

And for the record my friend divorced her calm, measured and logical ex. He was the most abusive underhand bastard ever. His logic meant she was always wrong, and when she got frustrated as she was being gaslighted, he further used this as a reason of why she was being unreasonable and he wasn't, all the time with a patronising head tilt and soft voice asking "why she couldn't discuss things rationally like he did". Sounds very similar to what you said upthread.

If everything is a balanced relationship, but some one had fallen out of love, after 5 years you don't get dumped by text. You only get dumped that way because she knows you'll go on with logic until you convince her she's utterly wrong.

Yes you sound abusive and quite frankly bordering on stalking. Leave her alone before she rightly initiates a non mol against you.

Did she actually agree to this maintenance, or are you just taking it upon yourself to dump money in her bank unsolicited?

Why do you think she broke up with you? How honest are you being to yourself?

This is an anonymous forum. I’m not looking for sympathy, what do I gain from sympathy on here?

And yes, I’m talking about my own feelings, there is two people to this relationship and the children. It isn’t only the woman. You’re insinuating a man can’t talk about his own feelings without having a personality disorder? Have you ever wondered why the suicide rate for men is so high?

I’m already seeing therapists, I’m under the care of the crisis team as we speak. Each part of the puzzle has their own heart, their own hurts, perhaps my emotions haven’t allowed me to listen to hers enough and that’s why I’m here asking for clarity on that. I’m not trying to ask people to agree with me, If anything I’m asking them to roast me so I can see different perspectives because I can’t trust my own judgement at the moment.

And the people on this forum so far have done a great job of this. 🙏

Your ex girlfriend's silence on your manipulation is because women are trained to think of the man and not disrupt him, in case he gets angry. I'll remind you of Margaret Atwood's statement:
Men are frightened that women will laugh at them.
Women are frightened that men will kill them.

This is why women keep quiet.

This link is about the cost to women of placating men with our silence. It involves a tribunal where a man is upset that a woman won't refer to him as a woman on his say-so. It contains other insights that are relevant to your understanding of why things may have appeared fine to you, but that deeply concerned and frightened your ex.

https://glosswitch.substack.com/p/the-invisible-work-of-saying-nothing

I'll also remind you of Sylvia Plath's words:
Women are not machines that you pay kindness coins into until sex falls out.

That means that we are people too. We have real feelings and experiences and you being a nice guy is not a relationship strategy if you think that's all you need. Do some work on yourself and find out why your behaviour is so alarming to the women on this thread.

@NavyDog Im not your ex but I do recognise your behaviour in my ex and I can see why yours is reacting in anger. No, it’s not abusive (or at least not in the recognised sense), but you are leaving her feeling like she has no full control over her own existence. You are imprinting yourself on to her and her children when she has zero reason to be around you anymore. In my situation, I have to accept gifts ‘from the kids’ from my ex, but they’re obviously things he associates with our past relationship (such as the soundtrack to a film we used to love watching). The constant comments and emotional outbursts of ‘well I’ll never get over you/losing our family unit/the life we had’, all emotional blackmail.

It’s been nearly 3 years in my case and I still find myself over explaining any social situation I’m going to be in, because if any hint of enjoying myself (especially with other men around) gets out, it’s another spiral and inappropriate comments. It makes you feel like you’ve lost your autonomy, if you have a right to existence as your own person or is your only function in life is to prop up a man who becomes emotionally unstable if you’re not around. And that’s extremely unfair and exhausting. Please walk away from her completely and leave your ex and her children to live their lives.